No Going Back
February 1970
By Kristine Zensky and Anna Neelis
Rollin opened the door cautiously. It was nearly midnight. Lights were on in most of the rooms he could see, but no sounds. He entered fluidly, pivoting quickly to close the door. He turned the doorknob firmly with his right hand. His left hand pressed against the wooden panel, ensuring there would be no reverberation as he used his hip to smoothly guide the door flush against the woodwork. He slowly released the knob and the latch caught without a click.
He slipped off his loafers and moved quickly and quietly from room to room. He found them in the bedroom, sprawled together against the collection of pillows across the top of the bed. He saw Cinnamon first. Her ash blonde hair was tousled, a wavy bang grazing her forehead. Her white night gown was unbuttoned, revealing her engorged breast and the aureole of her swollen nipple. Her eyes were closed.
His eyes met Jennifer’s, which were wide open, brilliantly blue, and filled with an alertness and energy all the books said newborns didn’t develop for eight more weeks. It would be a race against time. If only he could pick her up and get her out of the room before she woke Cinnamon.
He reached across the bed, keeping eye contact with Jennifer, willing her to stay quiet. He gently disengaged Cinnamon’s protective arm, at the same time lifting Jennifer. The baby cooed. “Shhh.” He whispered conspiratorially. Cinnamon stirred. “Shhh.”
Jennifer quieted as he lifted her and held her against his shoulder. He reached for Cinnamon with his other hand and caressed her neck. “Shhhhh. Just sleep.” He could see she was fighting to wake up, but her heart wasn’t in it. Rollin held the baby’s head in his palm and leaned over to kiss Cinnamon’s temple softly. He smoothed back her hair. Jennifer seemed to magically do as she was asked and stay quiet. Cinnamon was able to sink back to sleep.
He looked over his shoulder to check on Jennifer. Her eyes were wide open and she was content just feeling the warmth of Rollin’s shoulder through his sweater. He stood and moved the warm bundle off his chest so their eyes could meet. He knew all the books said newborns could barely make out shapes and saw everything in black and white, but he was convinced Jen knew him. He didn’t have the give-away smell of breast milk that Jen used to identify Cinnamon. Maybe she recognized his voice.
He started reading to her when she was a few days old. Even before that, in her last trimester in the womb he spoke to her daily, telling her funny stories about mommy and daddy and all the things they were trying to do to get ready for the arrival of the baby. He also told her about how much he loved mommy and soon learned it was a powerful aphrodisiac for a pregnant woman in her last trimester to have a man caress her bump and tell her how beautiful and desirable she was.
He carried the baby back to the kitchen and changed her diaper on the counter next to the tiny TV. “Sweetheart, it’s too bad you’re going to miss the run of this play because your dad is spectacular. It’s a shame it’s a limited run because I’d keep playing it ‘til you were old enough to come see me.” He finished snapping her pajamas back together, “I’ll just have to produce a revival when you turn … hmmm, what age?” Jennifer wriggled her feet ferociously drawing another laugh from Rollin.
He lifted her to his shoulder, reached into the fridge for a beer and carried both out of the kitchen to the opposite side of the counter. He turned the TV to face him as he sat in the chair nearest and lowered the volume slightly to not disturb Cinnamon. He lay Jennifer across his lap – one hand securely wrapped around her, the other holding his beer – and watched the Lakers highlights.
When the news ended he flipped channels but didn’t like the guests on the Tonight Show or any of the late movies. He turned off the TV and walked to the glass door to the balcony. He slid it open and watched as the soft breeze ruffled the blonde fuzz on Jennifer’s head. Her eyes wrinkled and her expression made him laugh. He kissed her head softly as he walked out with her. “It’s all so new to you, isn’t it, Sweetheart. Every sensation is brand new. What a great time.” He watched her and was certain she was meeting his eyes, listening.
He looked out across the city. The balcony was high enough to escape the traffic sounds. He walked back and forth across the long terrace working off some of his post-performance energy. He knew Jennifer loved to wander. From day one she enjoyed being on the move.
He looked toward the coast. Maybe he could convince Cinnamon that the three of them should spend Sunday and Monday at his beach house. They could walk in the surf and get some fresh air. Cinnamon hadn’t left the apartment in the last month since Jennifer’s arrival, only once for a routine doctor’s appointment last week. Adele, her hairdresser, had even made a house call.
They had done so much shopping over the last nine months – enough to survive a siege, and that’s what it felt like some days. Rollin knew Cinnamon was happy having Paula visit with new mother tips and other advice, and Maria bringing in groceries and looking after the apartment. He was around most days, delighted to spend time with her and constantly amazed by Jennifer, but getting cabin fever. He hadn’t been able to persuade her to take the baby out of the apartment.
He knew she liked being in familiar surroundings as she adjusted to her new life as a mom. She was also tired and because of that thinking she didn’t look her best. She did have dark circles under her eyes, but who wouldn’t? She was on the kind of sleep pattern used to break political prisoners. He’d have to tell her that one next time he caught her frowning in the mirror.
He figured that a woman as beautiful as Cinnamon would naturally be self-conscious about these things. No amount of reassurance from him seemed to soothe her. He thought she looked like a million bucks. He had a lot of Valentine’s Day presents planned – all designed to change her outlook. But in the meantime, he felt like a caged animal and was eager to get her out of the house.
Jennifer made a sound – not a cry, not a wail, just a sound. “I know. We need to figure out a way for your mom to get more sleep.” Rollin told her as he held her close. He turned her to meet her eyes again. “You know you should try sleeping a little more – you might like it. It would be a big help to both of us.” Jennifer vocalized her special sound again. “Okay. So long as you try your best, that’s all we’ll ever ask.”
They made a few more circuits across the balcony. Jennifer’s noises became cries and her wiggles more insistent. She was hungry. “Not much I can do to help you there, Sweetheart.”
Cinnamon was awake as they walked into the bedroom. Rollin smiled as he laid the baby in her arms. “You girls are really tuned into the same frequency.”
Cinnamon smiled, “She calls ahead. She must be sending messages to my breasts, making a reservation. They feel full just before she gets hungry.”
Rollin sat next to her on the bed, wrapping his arm around her so she could lean against him. “Well, that’s pretty miraculous. How can you two be on the same schedule when Jennifer doesn’t have one?”
“Now who could she have inherited that from?” Cinnamon teased. “I don’t want to force her onto a schedule,” she added, wondering if Rollin would recognize she felt the same way about him. “That’s why I think she has radar.”
Rollin kissed Cinnamon’s hair and pulled her back so she rested in his arms. He watched her maneuver her breast and Jennifer latch on to the offered nipple. “Or you have radar. You are pretty amazing you know.” Rollin was entranced watching Cinnamon nurse their baby. She had surprised him when she told him she planned to breast feed, but after the first month he couldn’t imagine it being any other way. Every time he watched them together he thought of his favorite Renaissance Madonna and child paintings.
He watched them nurse, in awe, as ever. He still couldn’t believe they made this precious baby together. But Jennifer was so like Cinnamon with her delicate fingers, strong cheekbones, and determined stare. And Cinnamon said she was so like him. He felt connected to Jennifer in a way he had never felt before and knew it must be true.
Cinnamon turned to meet his eyes. “How’d it go tonight?”
“We flew.” He said with a gleeful smile.
“You seem very up.”
“It was a great night – everything just clicked.”
“Will you be sad when it ends?”
“A little. I guess I knew going in it would be a limited run. I won’t miss being away from you five nights a week. Both of you. In hindsight, I could have gotten the timing better.”
“You’re sweet.” She turned her head toward him again and he leaned down to meet her lips with his.
Rollin was still fascinated with nursing. He reached to gently stroke Jennifer’s head with his fingertips. ”How come you don’t need to drink a lot of milk?”
Cinnamon smiled, “Cows don’t drink milk.”
“Okay, how come you don’t need to eat a lot of grass?” He kissed her neck teasingly. Rollin was still jazzed from the show. The apartment felt warm to him, but he knew Cinnamon preferred it that way. He slipped out from behind her, leaning her against the pillows. “I’m gonna take a quick shower.”
Cinnamon was envious. Jennifer hadn’t slept much at all that day and she never made it into the shower. She watched Rollin peel off his sweater and tee shirt and toss them toward a chair. She enjoyed the long line of his back and felt a stir she had not felt in weeks as he lowered his trousers and tossed his boxers aside.
Rollin allowed the spray to massage his neck as he rinsed off shampoo and soap. The warm water felt great. He thought of Cinnamon’s breast peaking out of her open nightgown and his hand strayed lower. He loved everything about her body and never understood why she worried about gaining weight. To him it only made her breasts more spectacular. And to know it was his baby inside her, driving all the changes, he felt himself harden just thinking about it. And it was the time of day. He always came off stage jazzed. It wouldn’t be the first night this month that his dick ended up in his hands.
Barney had warned him about giving Cinnamon space. Not much hope of having sex with a sleep-deprived woman who thinks she’s fat and only recently passed a bowling ball between her legs.
He heard Cinnamon open the door to the bathroom and call to him softly. “Jennifer fell asleep on the job again. She’s having trouble finishing what she starts.”
“Well she didn’t get that from me.” Rollin teased. He poked his head around the shower curtain. “Will you join me?”
Cinnamon smiled and pulled her nightgown over her head. Rollin helped her over the tub side and into the spray. He held her closely, pressing against her as the water rolled down their bodies. They kissed each other tenderly. “I’ve missed you.” He said throatily.
“Me, too.”
“Lemme do your hair.” She turned her back to him and he lovingly shampooed and rinsed her hair. His hands trailed down to cup her full breasts. One hand traced lower, across her belly. “I can’t believe you had a baby in there three weeks ago.”
“Four weeks ago, tomorrow.”
“And six weeks is the magic number.” He decided not to go down that route. “You’re skinny as ever.”
“I’m two cup sizes bigger!”
Rollin turned her to face him with a look of mock surprise on his face. “Really?” He pressed her back against the wall of the shower and his lips trailed closer to her breast.
“Rollin, I’ll gush.” She protested.
“It’s okay.” He continued to run his fingers along the under side of her engorged breast. His lips slid over the round mound, made slick in the shower, gliding toward her prominent nipple. When the tip of his tongue flicked back and forth across it, milk seeped out.
Cinnamon watched his tongue play across her nipples. It was a completely different sensation to breast-feeding. The baby used her jaws to chomp down on the glands behind the nipple and extract milk. Rollin used his tongue delicately and she felt the warm reaction throughout her body. She almost forgot the raw chapped feeling that greeted her most days.
As she watched him, she could see his long, firm penis through the spray. She reached for him, encircling him tightly and pulling him closer to her. Rollin sighed heartily and rose from her breast to meet her lips. They kissed teasingly, tongues darting between them as she stroked his organ. His palm held her breast, resting her sore nipple between his thumb and forefinger. The arc of shower spray encompassed both of them.
She stroked him firmly, finding a rhythm he matched with his thrusts against her. When she knew he was close, she stopped, pinching him slightly. He broke off the kiss, needing to catch a breath. “Oh, Honey.” Cinnamon slid down the shower wall to a crouch and took him in her mouth. She cradled his balls, grasped his shaft, and pleasured him with her tongue. He came quickly.
He was still panting as she slid back up the slick wall. She smiled sassily. “Six weeks is just my magic number.”
He pressed her back against the wet wall and kissed her hungrily until he was out of breath again. “Thank you,” he murmured.
She smiled. “Let’s get some towels.” He shut off the tap and followed her out of the bath.
As she wrapped her towel around her shoulders, he embraced her from behind and spoke to her reflection in the mirror. “Sure you won’t marry me?”
She pursed her lips, but smiled. “I am sure I love you,” she told his reflection, meeting his eyes via the mirror.
He kissed her hair lovingly, holding her close. He realized there was no use pursuing it. “I love you, Cinnamon.”
“I know.” She turned in his embrace and reached for his chin, guiding his lips to hers. As they parted he searched her eyes, but there was no additional information there. She reached for a hairbrush. He looked for his sweatpants. He had tossed them onto the chair when he left for the theater, but they weren’t there. He found them, folded, on top of the dresser. As he unfolded them, he realized they had been pressed. Maria must have been there during the day.
He grabbed a clean t-shirt from his drawer. The ironed sweats were beginning to get to him, but he was fond of Maria, though it was clear she was not entirely fond of him. Maria took good care of Cinnamon and good care of Jennifer and that made her all right by him. He realized he had to prove to her he’d do the same for both ”her girls.”
“Cin, how about going out to Malibu tomorrow? We could walk on the beach, get some fresh air, maybe stay out there.”
Cinnamon tried to think of a nice way to say no. She screwed the lid of moisturizer tightly closed. Rollin leaned over and nibbled on her neck. “I’ll make dinner.”
“I’m not sure-“
“I bet the ocean breeze will make Jennifer sleepy.” He nuzzled her neck and met her eyes in the mirror, hopeful.
“I just don’t feel ready yet.” She confessed as she stood to disengage.
Rollin watched her. “Honey, you haven’t been out of the house.”
“Why don’t you go? I’m sure a day lying in the sun would re-charge you.”
He reached for her arm, caressing it softly, and whispered, “It’s you I want to re-charge.”
“I’m fine, just not used to so little sleep so many days in a row.” Cinnamon moved for her dresser and pulled out a fresh nightgown, pulling it quickly over her head. She checked on Jennifer than picked up their dirty clothes, headed for the laundry room. Rollin followed her down the narrow hall.
“Honey, maybe you could try to express some milk again and then I’ll get up with her tonight.” He caught her grimace. “I know, I know, it really hurt. But maybe it won’t hurt so much this time.”
“I don’t think so.” Cinnamon tossed the clothes into the basket. She turned to return to the bedroom, not meeting his eyes.
He did believe that the pump would be painful. It certainly looked that way and Cinnamon’s earlier attempt brought her to tears. But he also thought that a part of Cinnamon liked having the baby totally reliant on her. He felt shut out and knew it was his own fault.
Maria was not the only person he needed to prove himself to. Cinnamon still harbored doubts too. No matter how many times he apologized, how much he told her he loved her, how often he told her how happy she made him, or how much he adored Jennifer, he could not erase that terrible day. When she had told him she was pregnant, he had bolted. He’d give anything to have that moment back.
He glanced into the bedroom. She was sitting on the bed, watching Jennifer sleep. “Cinnamon, maybe we could see if Barney and Willy are in town. They keep asking about seeing the baby.”
“Rollin, I feel really tired. Can we talk about it tomorrow?”
“Sure.” He turned and continued down the hall. In the kitchen he took another bottle of beer from the fridge. He returned to the terrace and paced. When his energy waned, and no closer to knowing what to do, he sank into a chaise, staring at the skyline. He could see the planes lining up on approach to LAX. The lights hung in the sky like giant fireflies moving in slow motion.
He hadn’t flown for more than three months. That had to be a record. Leaving the IMF meant an end to constant travel. He was glad to have the break. He slowly realized that for the run of the play he even had a routine. That was surprisingly nice, at least for the time being. He had thought he’d miss the IMF more than he actually did. Cinnamon seemed much more wistful about leaving the force. She rarely spoke about it, but he knew she felt like she had lost a part of herself. Since the baby came she even seemed reluctant to see any of their former teammates.
She had always said the IMF made her feel empowered. From his perspective, motherhood was pretty empowering, but she didn’t seem to see it that way. He knew she was devoted to Jennifer, but he suspected she missed being a spy so much that it made her feel guilty. He thought she worried that she was less interested in being a mother than she should be. She also clearly did not want to be married, at least not to him.
He turned as he heard the door slide open. Cinnamon had wrapped herself in a robe. She held Jennifer and a beer in her arms. She moved toward him. “May we join you?” she asked, passing him the beer.
“Sure,” he smiled.
They had often shared the chaise and he moved sideways to allow her to lie beside him. He took a long swig of beer, then put the bottle beside the chaise. Jennifer was awake and wiggling. He smiled as Cinnamon laid her on his chest and she wiggled some more. “She’s wide awake again.” Rollin embraced the baby’s bottom with his large hand.
“She’s a night owl, like her daddy.” Jennifer cooed as she stretched her arms across Rollin’s chest. Cinnamon laughed softly. “She loves to play with you.”
“She’s tickling me.”
“You love it,” Cinnamon teased.
“I do.” Rollin answered earnestly.
His seriousness caught Cinnamon off-guard. She knew she had hurt him earlier, by not acknowledging his latest attempt to talk about marriage. She knew he would never consciously do anything to hurt her or Jennifer. She watched him as he tenderly held Jennifer’s tiny hand in his. She knew he was captivated by everything about the baby. His fascination was entirely genuine and it reminded her of how much she loved his curiosity about life.
She reached for his shoulder. “Sweetheart?” Rollin turned to meet her eye, waiting for her to continue. She sighed. “I’m sorry. I just need to get used to everything. I feel like I’m not myself.”
“You’re tired, that’s all.”
“I am very glad you’re here.” She rested her head against his shoulder.
He spoke softly into her ear, his warm breath soothing on her throat. “Cinnamon, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here, with both of you, as long as you want me to be.”
“I do want you to be here.” She looked up and kissed him softly. She moved closer and he raised his arm so she could move into the crook of his shoulder and snuggle against him, her head next to Jennifer’s on his chest.
She continued, “Paula called earlier. She invited us over tomorrow afternoon to watch the Lakers game on Barney’s new big TV set. I’m sure Barney and Willy must be in town. I said no, but she left it open in case I changed my mind. I think I’d like to try to go. What do you think?”
“I don’t want to push you.”
“You’re not. I know … I know I have been … well, hiding a little.”
“Cin, you look great, more beautiful than ever.”
She traced his lips with her fingers. “I take it you’d like to go.”
“Yes – to show off both of my beautiful girls.”
“It’s not Malibu.”
“Maybe next weekend.” He kissed her forehead. They lay together quietly until Jennifer fell asleep, then Rollin carefully carried her inside.
The next morning Rollin felt like they were planning an invasion. He didn’t want to say anything that would cause Cinnamon to change her mind, so he simply fulfilled every one of her requests. The mountain by the door continued to grow as she thought of yet another thing the baby might need.
An hour before they were due to leave Jennifer fell asleep on the sofa after nursing. “I’ll watch her.” Rollin volunteered, moving to sit beside his daughter with the Sunday paper in hand. “Why don’t you catnap?”
“I’ll take you up on that. Will you wake me at noon?” Cinnamon moved toward the bedroom.
“Sure. Will you be hungry then?”
“When I called Paula this morning she said she’s serving lunch at one. Can you hold out?”
He smiled. Paula was a great cook. “Definitely.”
Cinnamon shared his smile and turned for the bedroom.
He woke her gently by kissing her neck. “Darling…time to get ready to go.” Cinnamon turned and stretched. As she opened her eyes she met Rollin’s. He was watching her closely. “I was torn between following orders and letting you sleep.”
“You made the right call. Where’s Jennifer?”
“In her little seat with a new diaper and that pink outfit Paula and Barney sent her.” He kissed her, slowly tugging on her lower lip, then moving back to nibble on her long neck.
“Mmmm, you are good.”
“Why thank you.” He kissed her deeply. “This will be fun.”
“I’m excited too. I need to change.”
He pulled her to her feet. “I’ll get the car. Yours or mine?”
“What do you think?”
“Yours – if it will start. Jen and I will go try and then we’ll come back for all the stuff.”
“Okay.” She moved to the bathroom realizing she was honestly excited, not just posturing for Rollin. She reached into her closet and pulled out a simple a-line sundress, pleased that it once again fit.
She moved to the bathroom, stood in front of the mirror and slowly raised her eyes. She took in a slow, deep breath. Not a day for an audition, but not too bad for lunch at a friend’s house. She opened the top drawer and applied foundation. A good concealer combined with minimal eye shadow and soft lashes drew attention away from the dark circles under her eyes. She dropped the concealer and pale pink lipstick into her purse. The perm Adele suggested was holding up well and a quick flip with the brush turned the curls into gentle waves. She reached for ear rings and a simple bracelet, pulled a cardigan from her dresser, and moved to the front door.
Cinnamon surveyed the pile thoughtfully. There was no glamorous way to take this much stuff to Paula and Barney’s. She’d need a suitcase rather than a tote bag. She checked the chic diaper bag the girls at the agency had given her. Rollin had re-stocked diapers, wipes, cream, breast pads, a towel, two blankets, pajamas, and a spare outfit for the baby. She hadn’t realized he knew where everything was, much less that he would be thoughtful enough to include it.
She looked at everything else she had asked him to gather. With another deep sigh she let go. Grant Collier was only a little more than a year older than Jennifer. She’d just have to borrow anything else they might need.
Rollin opened the door, cradling Jen on his hip so she faced out. Cinnamon met her daughter’s eyes and caught the smile of recognition. “Hi Sweetheart. Are you helping Daddy with the car?” Cinnamon caught Jennifer’s toes as the baby wiggled in excitement. “Rollin, I think she understands everything we say.”
“I know she does.” Rollin kissed the baby’s head. “Good news, Mom. Your car starts. I left her little seat down there. If you take her, I’ll start loading the stuff.”
“You know, I think you’ve got all the essentials right here.” She looped the bag over her shoulder and reached for his arm. Her lips moved toward his. “Thank you.”
Rollin accepted her kiss. “You’re very welcome.” Cinnamon started through the door. “You’re sure we don’t need any of this?”
She pursed her lips. “No, I’m not sure. But I’m willing to chance it.”
Rollin smiled. “Okay, but one more thing.” Cinnamon stopped and turned. Rollin pulled her back into the apartment. “You are exceptionally beautiful today.” He pressed her against the wall as he kissed her deeply.
“Thank you.” She looked up at him coyly. “You are exceptionally sweet.”
Rollin held her gaze then leaned close again to feel her against him and press his lips against hers. He slid his hand down her side as he pulled reluctantly away. “Come on, beautiful.”
When they pulled into the Collier’s driveway, Cinnamon was pleased to see Willy’s Porsche as well as a station wagon and a VW beetle she did not recognize. As Rollin turned off the engine she reached for his arm. “Would you carry our daughter into her first party?”
“I’d be delighted to.” He leaned over to kiss her. “Thank you.”
Cinnamon smiled. She watched him bound out of the car, open the back door of the Catalina, and reach in for Jennifer. “Okay, sweetheart, time to be belle of the ball.”
She climbed out of her door and turned at the sound of Paula’s voice. “Hallelujah, the Carter-Hand family has emerged!” Paula embraced Cinnamon warmly. “I’m so glad you changed your mind.”
“Paula, you are so sweet. I’m already glad we came.” Cinnamon loved being called a family. It was something she had never considered.
“And this is our glamorous hostess, Miss Paula.” Rollin told Jennifer softly as he leaned over to kiss Paula’s cheek.
Paula shook the baby’s hand. “Hello Jennifer. Welcome!”
“And this is her beautiful house and her realtor promises she’ll find us another one just like it.” Rollin teased as he continued past Paula up the steps to the open front door.
Paula laughed. “Jennifer is our guest of honor.” She turned to Cinnamon. “Camille drove up just ‘cause I said you were coming.”
“How sweet. From Vegas?”
“Yes. How did you know that?” Her little sister was always on the move.
Cinnamon shrugged and glanced toward the Beetle. “I guess I noticed the Caesar’s parking sticker.”
“You people are too much.” Paula turned and headed inside, shaking her head.
Cinnamon followed her into the house. She saw Rollin beaming as Barney and Willy gathered around him to greet the baby. She suddenly felt choked up seeing the excitement the three men shared over her daughter. She had been through so much with them over the years but this kind of interaction was completely new to her.
Willy saw her and moved toward her. “She’s as pretty as her mama. Congratulations, Cinnamon.” Willy hugged her warmly and Cinnamon marveled at how a man so strong could be so gentle. She was glad to be buried against his bicep and used the time to compose herself quickly.
“Thanks, Willy. She’s a wonderful baby.”
Barney moved closer. “Don’t tell me that surprises you!” She moved from Willy’s arms to Barney’s.
“Just a little,” she confessed.
“Well, you shouldn’t be. Parents like hers, she’d have to be a great kid.”
Cinnamon pulled back. She was surprised to hear Jim’s voice. Paula had not mentioned he’d be at lunch. She knew he wasn’t as much of a basketball fan as the other guys and he seemed to keep his life with Mary and their new baby more private. Most surprising of all was to hear him be so positive about her baby. He had seemed so unhappy with the whole idea. Rollin had said it was only a natural reaction to losing two team members within six months. Cinnamon wasn’t so sure.
Rollin reacted faster. “Mr Phelps, may I present Jennifer Carter Hand, four weeks old today.”
Jim played along happily. “Delighted to meet you, young lady.”
Cinnamon moved closer and accepted his embrace. “Where’s Mary?”
“They’re having a feed. In the other room.”
Rollin propped Jennifer against his shoulder and grasped Jim’s hand. “Glad to see you’re introducing Junior to the Lakers at such an impressionable age.”
Jim laughed. “Maybe he’ll take to it more than I did.”
Cinnamon turned to Paula. “Where’s Camille?”
“That girl is so baby crazy she volunteered to put Grant down for a nap.”
“Did we miss him?”
Barney laughed. “Miss him? He’ll be back in under an hour.”
“Are they all that way?” Rollin asked seriously. “Jim, does your son sleep?”
“Like a rock.”
“According to another rock.” Mary caught the tale end of the exchange as she entered the room carrying her wide-awake son. She exchanged greetings with Cinnamon and Rollin. James Junior was much bigger than Jennifer at three months older and had a full head of blonde hair.
Rollin spoke to his daughter in a stage whisper “And that my dear is hair, which we are all hoping you sport one day.”
Camille joined the group. “Rollin Hand, don’t you say things like that to that beautiful baby girl!” She added boisterously.
Rollin continued. “And this is Miss Camille, who like you has never slept a day in her life because she is too afraid of missing something.”
Camille hugged Cinnamon, then moved toward Rollin. “Come on, let me hold her.”
Rollin smiled as he passed her the baby. “Camille, I’m counting on you to be a good influence.” Paula’s little sister was a dynamo and her exploits were legendary. As a result she had always been one of Rollin’s favorite guests at holiday gatherings and parties at the Colliers.
Paula joined her sister. “She’s gorgeous and she’s so sweet.”
Rollin smiled. “She needs to let her mother sleep.”
Cinnamon clarified. “She’s not fussy at all. She just likes to be awake and she’s quite the wiggle-er. She doesn’t want to miss anything.”
Barney came back into the room, handing around bottles of beer. Cinnamon nodded her head no. Paula noticed. “Cinnamon, one beer may be just what you need.”
Mary nodded, “She’s right. If you’re nursing, it helps the baby sleep.”
“In that case Cinnamon, you better take two.” Rollin stood behind Cinnamon, slipping his arm around her waist.
Paula poked him in the arm. “Wait a minute, let me see if I understand this. Rollin Hand, you have a child who is full of energy, hates to sit still, and doesn’t want to miss a party?”
Everyone laughed as Rollin nodded. “Yes, I certainly do.”
Paula shook her head in disbelief. “And you are surprised! “
She continued into the kitchen, returning shortly with assorted salads and cold cuts for a buffet luncheon. Lunch conversation was a successful blend of baby and toddler stories and Lakers statistics. Barney’s rear projection large screen television was much admired.
By the start of the third quarter the Lakers were up by three and Camille was engaged in a heated debate with Barney about pending trade rumors. Grant Collier giggled as he swung on Willy’s leg. Jennifer was asleep in Rollin’s arms. Jim and Mary had packed Jim Jr. and all his paraphernalia into the family wagon with faux wood paneling because Jim had a Monday meeting to prepare for.
Cinnamon was happy to help Paula clean up and appreciated the chance it gave them to talk in kitchen. They fell into a comfortable rhythm with Paula washing and Cinnamon drying.
“Cinnamon, it is so good to see you out of the apartment. You must have been getting cabin fever.”
“Well, I wasn’t really, but I know Rollin was. It’s so nice of you to invite us over.”
“We’re happy to see you. I know it turns your world upside down for awhile, but you need to get back into the swing of things.”
Cinnamon smiled and took a wet bowl from Paula’s out-stretched hand. “Speaking of getting back into the swing of things, there’s something I want to ask you. It’s very personal.”
Paula turned to meet her eyes as she continued to scrub. “Go ahead.”
“When can you have sex again?”
Paula passed her a plate and met her eyes. “For you or for him?”
“Excuse me?”
“For you or for him? I did it for him at three weeks. He was more terrified about hurting me than I was.”
Cinnamon focused on the plate and didn’t say anything.
Paula continued matter of factly. “Yes, it hurt. But I wanted to feel close to him, plus you remember he had to leave when Grant was 4 days old and he’d been gone more than 2 weeks. It was my own little welcome home daddy party.”
Cinnamon met her brown eyes with a smile. “And for you?”
“They say six, at least the doctors do. I think every woman needs to make her own decision. It was nice for me sooner than that. He pushing you?”
Cinnamon shook her head. “No. I just want to feel close to him.”
“He seems very happy, Cinnamon. You don’t feel close?”
Cinnamon hesitated. Paula was fast becoming her best friend, but friendships came slowly to Cinnamon Carter. She wasn’t sure she wanted to say more.
Paula dried her hands and handed a second dry towel to Cinnamon. “Girl, you need to just tell me when I need to stop. I’m sorry for being so nosy.”
“You’re not nosy, Paula.” Cinnamon stopped as Camille entered with a tray of empty bottles.
“She is so nosy – you are the nosiest person I know, Paula Devries Collier!”
“Camille Devries, will you please get out of my kitchen.”
Camille realized she had interrupted an important conversation. “Sorry, Cinnamon. I just came for beers for the fellas.”
Paula opened the fridge and wordlessly handed Camille a chilled six-pack. When her sister was gone, she turned back to helping Cinnamon dry the remaining dishes in the rack.
“Paula, you have been such a good friend to me. I…it’s been really great to have someone to talk to, someone who’s already been through it.”
“I feel the same way about you with all this stuff we can’t talk about.”
Cinnamon smiled. “Well, I might be more helpful if we could actually talk about it.”
Paula laughed. “That’s true. Anyway, I’m just glad I can help.”
“I’m sure Barney told you that Rollin wants to get married.”
Paula couldn’t deny it but didn’t want to implicate her husband. “How do you feel about it?”
“I’m not sure. He’s asked me about ten times now. I keep saying I’m not ready, but I think it would be the best thing for Jennifer.”
Paula shook her head and answered softly. “Girl, the best thing for Jennifer is for her momma to be happy. You’ve got to always remember that.”
“I think you’re right, Paula. But I’m not sure what will make me happy.”
Paula nodded. “You’ll know when you know. Let’s check on the boys.”
She moved into the lounge. Jennifer was now in Barney’s arms, Rollin beaming as he watched his daughter sleep. Camille must have taken Grant upstairs. Paula caressed Barney’s shoulders. “Let me check on that sister of mine.” She headed for the stairs.
Cinnamon hung back in the kitchen archway and overheard Willy asking Rollin about leaving the IMF. “I can’t believe you don’t miss it. How can you just switch over to acting?”
Rolling shrugged. “Easy, Will. I’ve always been an actor. It’s just the parts come with scripts now.”
All three men laughed. Willy passed Rollin another beer. “Yeah, but an actor for the rest of your life?”
“Who knows? About the only thing that I know is for the rest of my life is that I’m a father now. For the rest of my life I am Jennifer’s father.“
Willy was surprised to hear such conviction from his former partner, but admired it nonetheless. He lifted his bottle toward Rollin’s. “Well hear hear.”
“It’s true – there’s no going back.” Barney added.
“I don’t want to go back, Barn. This is the best thing I’ve ever done.” Rollin was more serious than either man knew he could be.
Barney raised his bottle to meet the other two. “Here’s to Jennifer.” They each took a long sip. Barney smiled “It’s a good thing you’re a good actor. It’s a hard way to make a living.”
Rollin smiled. “No harder than being a spy,” he whispered.
Willy turned to Barney. “He’s got us there.”
Cinnamon thought about Rollin’s words the rest of the day. She was surprised to have heard such conviction in his voice. And this time everything he said was supported by his actions. He seemed so genuinely happy to be a father. She watched him soak in the bath with Jennifer on his chest, carefully supporting her head, laughing as she splashed her hands and feet. He was so loving and gentle with her. By the time they wrapped her in her towel, dried her, diapered her, and snapped up her pajamas she was actually yawning. Cinnamon was not surprised when she fell asleep mid-feed and carefully lifted her into her bassinet.
Rollin put aside his book to welcome her back into bed. “I can’t believe she’s asleep already.”
Cinnamon nodded. “She seems tired. That’s a first.”
“She had a lot of new stuff to take in today. She seemed kinda fascinated with Grant.”
“Hmmm, Willy too.”
“And riding in the car.”
“So do you think we’ve discovered the secret?”
Rollin raised an eyebrow and looked at the clock. “Only time will tell.”
Cinnamon chuckled as she moved across the bed to lie across his chest. Rollin welcomed her into his arms and kissed her lovingly. He told her, “This is your big chance for some sleep.”
“Hmmm, I thought it might be my big chance for something else.“ She trailed her finger down his chest suggestively.
Rollin took her hand and brought it to his mouth for a kiss. “Sweetheart, earlier, in the shower, that was great for me. “
“As you would say to me, and have on many occasions, that was hours ago.”
“Yeah, but…”
“Rollin, I want to feel close to you. I want to make love.”
He smiled, but was unsure. “Isn’t it too soon?”
“Since when did you play by the rules?”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I know. We’ll go slow. But I’d like to try.” She moved astride him and kissed his neck.
“You’re sure?”
“Very.” Cinnamon replied as her hands slipped under his t-shirt.
Rollin sighed contentedly. “Well, you have always been an over-achiever.”
THE END