Love Me or Leave Me
Christmas 1975
Rollin’s apprehension grew as he continued toward the house. He and Cinnamon
had spoken only twice since Thanksgiving. Once when he had talked to Jennifer
upon their return to
He parked the rental car in front of the house and shut off the engine. He
hadn’t been to
With the closing of his play, he instructed his agent, Tom Watkins, to find
his next job in
Tom had been able to secure him a movie assignment and Rollin was looking forward to the change of venue. But first he had to win back Cinnamon’s heart.
He stepped from the car, taking a bouquet of flowers with him and popped open the trunk. He had brought a number of presents for Christmas. Most were for Jennifer, several were for Cinnamon and two were for Maria. He grabbed the bags of the brightly wrapped gifts from the trunk, closing it with his elbow. At the front door he stopped, he had a key but decided it was best if he was announced. He pushed the bell and waited.
The door opened and he was greeted by both his daughter and Maria. “Daddy!” Jennifer yelled.
His grin was genuine, “Heya Kiddo! Has Santa come yet?”
Maria’s cool gaze was not welcoming.
Jennifer laughed, grabbing his legs to hug him as his arms were full. He sat down the bags and scooped Jen into his arms. “How bout a real hug.”
Jennifer hugged him tightly. “I missed you Daddy.” Jennifer said.
“I missed you too, Sweetheart.” He said meeting his daughter’s blue eyes.
“What did you bring Daddy?” Jen asked as he sat her down and she assessed the packages.
“Just a few gifts for my girls.” He said with a wink at Maria.
Maria did not acknowledge his attempt to engage her and shut the door behind him.
“Santa will be here in just two days.” Jen announced.
“And what happens after that?” Rollin asked as he followed her inside to the tree.
“My birthday!”
Rollin smiled as they settled the gifts around the tree and found a vase for the flowers.
After he and Jennifer had caught up they went to the kitchen for an afternoon snack of cookies and milk.
“Gracias, Maria.” Jennifer answered as Maria handed them another plate.
Rollin looked at his daughter, surprised.
Jennifer caught his look. “Maria is teaching me Spanish, Daddy.”
“That’s terrific, Jen.” He said with a quick glance at Maria, who was finally smiling.
“She is a quick study too.” Maria stated, proudly.
‘Just like her Mom.’ He thought. Rollin was aware of Cinnamon’s obvious absence. “Where’s Mom today?” He asked.
“She’s shopping with Miss Paula.” Jen told him as she gobbled up several of Maria’s special Christmas tree cookies.
Rollin nodded as he reached for another cookie. He remembered a phone call from Barney two weeks ago.
“Hello.” He said, picking up the telephone.
“Hey Rollin.”
“Barney! How are ya man?”
“Good, real good.”
“And Paula?”
“Wonderful.” Rollin could hear the smile in his voice.
“What can I do for you, buddy?” Rollin asked his old friend.
“I was just calling to see if you were still alive. I heard about the incident.”
Rollin sighed as he leaned back against the couch. “Yeah, I’m still here.” He said defeated.
“Man, what were you thinking?”
“It wasn’t my fault Barn, the girl just showed up. I didn’t invite her.” He said in defense.
“Did she know Cinnamon and Jen were there?”
“Probably. It’s all I had talked about before they came. It was great having them here.” Rollin continued. “I really messed things up for us.” He added sadly.
“That was the impression I got.” Barney recalled.
Barney had known Rollin and Cinnamon since before their relationship had begun. He was the first person they had shared their relationship with when they had all worked together. He had been Cinnamon’s best friend through the years and her confidant when she had gotten pregnant. He still couldn’t understand why Rollin seemed to have to see other women.
“Barney, I love Cinnamon, you know that.”
“Then why do you sleep around on her?”
“It just sorta happens.”
“Happens? Jesus Rollin, you’ve never had to ask for it.”
Rollin shook his head. “It’s hard when I don’t see her for weeks on end.”
“Well, man, that isn’t the way you’re gonna keep her either.”
“Whaddya mean? Is she seeing someone?” He asked suddenly suspicious.
“No. You know she wouldn’t, especially with Jennifer. But you’re making it easier for her to do by dicking around.”
“It didn’t mean anything.”
“It does to Cinnamon. You know it does.”
“Yeah.” He sighed. “I do.” He admitted.
“Then I suggest you get yourself back to LA and try to work this mess out and learn to keep it zipped, like the rest of us do.”
“Daddy?” Jennifer brought him back to the present.
“Huh?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing Honey.” He lied. “Now are you going to show me your latest masterpieces?”
“Sure,” Jen hopped out of her chair and grabbed his hand, “let’s go.”
Rollin followed her willingly.
Upon her return, Cinnamon wasn’t surprised to find an unfamiliar car in the drive. She went to her study to put away the last of the Santa presents for Jen. She’d had little time to finish her Christmas shopping, so another last minute shopping trip with Paula was her option. It also gave her the opportunity to discuss the situation with her good friend.
After putting the packages away, she assessed herself in the mirror. She shook
her head at herself. ‘Why does he have this effect on me?’ She pondered. She
had caught him in
She knew she’d find them in Jen’s room. She stood at the door watching them as they concentrated on Jen’s latest painting. Rollin was kneeling beside Jen, instructing her as she explained the painting to him. She marveled at the connection they shared. Rollin passed the brush to her and she finished her desired addition.
“Just what are you two up to?” She called.
“Mommy!”
“Hi Sweetie.” Cinnamon said coming to stand next to her. “What are you painting?” She said glancing at the paper before meeting Rollins’ eyes.
“Me and Daddy are doing a landscape.”
“It’s beautiful, Jen.” She said brushing her daughter’s blonde hair from her face.
“Merry Christmas.” Rollin said looking up at her.
“When did you get in?” She asked.
“This morning.” He answered.
She turned her attention to her daughter. “Jen. I think Maria wanted you to help set the table. Why don’t you run downstairs and see what she needs you to do.”
“K, Mom.” Jen handed her brush to Rollin. “We’ll finish later, Daddy.” She explained.
Rollin watched as she took off like a shot.
Cinnamon stood as Rollin laid the brush aside to join her, wiping his hands on a towel. “She’s going to be an artist, I think.” He said, picking a safe topic.
Cinnamon nodded moving to the window of the room that overlooked the backyard, wrapping her arms around her, feeling suddenly cold.
“How’s Paula?” He asked.
“Fine.” She answered flatly. “The baby has a cold.”
“How are you?” He inquired.
“Fine.” She said flatly.
Rollin sighed. He wanted terribly to take her in his arms and show her just how much he’d missed her. “Cinnamon...” He moved closer to her. “I need to know what I have to do to make things right between us.”
“You should have thought about that before you did what you did.” She said picking up some of Jen’s discarded toys.
His head shagged. “I’m sorry. I didn’t plan for it to happen, it just did. I certainly didn’t do it to hurt you.”
“How can you say that?” She asked sharply, letting the toys fall into the toy chest.
“Because it didn’t have anything to do with us.”
She was incredulous. “What do I not understand here?” She asked standing in front of him, looking him in the eye. “You sleep with a twenty-two year old and you say it has nothing to do with us. It has everything to do with us?”
“It wasn’t you and me, it didn’t mean anything.”
“And that justifies it to you.” She stated. “Jennifer saw and heard the whole thing, Rollin. What do you think that tells her about you and me?”
Rollin looked at the towel in his hands. He thought he had explained it to Jennifer.
“You didn’t think about that did you?” She asked, pointedly. “She may be just a child, but she understands a lot more than you think she does.”
“I do know that.” He defended himself.
“Then why don’t you understand how it made me feel?” She asked.
“Because I don’t see it the way you do.”
Cinnamon shook her head and moved toward the door. “Then do I get to play by the same rules as you do, Rollin?” She asked. “If I slept with another man and told you it didn’t mean anything to me, would that justify my actions?”
“Did you?” He asked.
She looked at him hard, “What if I did. It wouldn’t mean anything to you, would it?”
She left him, speechless.
He stayed for dinner but left for Willy’s just after Jen’s bedtime. There
had been an uncomfortable silence and distance between them the entire evening,
which Jen took notice of. He drove to
After staring at the waves, his cross country trip began to get the best of him and he headed to Willy’s condominium. He turned into the complex and found a parking spot. He retrieved his bag from the trunk and went to his door. His friend greeted him warmly. “Bout time you showed up.” The big man said.
“I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to bother you, Will, but things haven’t turned out quite the way I hoped.” He said stepping inside.
“Not a problem Rollin. My guest room is yours.” He said leading him to the downstairs bedroom. The room must have served as Willy’s weight room as well. There were dumbbells of every size scattered about the room.
“Sorry bout all the stuff, but one of the manufacturer’s reps wanted me to try out his new line of weights. I haven’t had time to get rid of them.”
“It’s fine, Will.” Rollin said tossing his bag on the bed. “Maybe Cinnamon and I will sort this out tomorrow.” He said defeated.
“What happened?”
Rollin looked at his friend, he half expected him to know too. “Long story. You got any scotch?”
Willy thought a minute. “I might.”
“I think I could use one.”
Rollin made himself a drink and related the story to Willy. Willy listened patiently as Rollin explained his dilemma. He remembered Rollin’s trysts when they were coming back from missions. He did seem to be a magnet for women. Willy wasn’t innocent there either but Rollin was certainly the champ. But when Cinnamon had joined the team, Rollins’ roving eye had stopped, at least as far as he knew.
“Well?” Rollin asked as he finished.
Willy considered the story for a minute. “Simple, if you want to keep Cinnamon, you have to stop seeing other women.”
“I wish it were that easy Will. I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me.”
“It is that easy Rollin.” He said with sincerity. “I just want to find a woman half as sexy and together as Cinnamon. Believe me that’s not easy.” He paused. “You have it all, a beautiful woman who loves you and a wonderful daughter who adores you.”
Rollin smiled at his description.
“Don’t screw that up because you were lonely one night. Man, take a cold shower or call her and talk to her. Don’t throw it all away on someone you’ll never see again.”
Rollin looked at his empty glass and considered his friend’s words then let out a tired sigh and rose. “Thanks Will.”
“Sure.”
Rollin set his glass aside and retired to the bedroom.
Sleep did not come quickly for him that night as he mulled Willy’s advice. It sounded simple, but convincing Cinnamon would be the hard part. Christmas Eve’s for the threesome were usually spent as a family, this year was already different. The tree was trimmed and the stockings hung. There was little left for them to do, but wait for Santa. He decided that he would pick up Jen and see if they could find an adventure together.
He arrived back at the house late that morning. Again, he rang the bell. Jennifer ran down the stairs and threw open the door. “I knew it was you.”
Rollin smiled, “You peeked. I saw you at the window.”
“Uncle Willy!” She shrieked when she saw Willy standing next to Rollin.
Willy smiled as he squatted down, picked Jennifer up and swung her around. “Weeeeeee.” She cried.
Rollin grinned as he watched his friend with his daughter. He dropped his bag on the floor in the foyer.
Willy soon set her back to the floor. “Soon, you’re gonna be too big for me to do that, Jennifer.” Willy said.
“Ah, Uncle Will. I’ll never be too big for you.” She said as they continued into the living room. “You missed breakfast.” She stated.
“Yeah, we had to return the rental. Will here as volunteered to make sure my car starts.” He said, giving Willy a friendly slap on the shoulder.
“You sure you two won’t be needing Barney?” Cinnamon asked as she came out of the study. “Merry Christmas, Willy.”
“Cinnamon.” Willy said as she gave him a hug, then he looked down at her. “Merry Christmas. How’ve you been?”
“Busy.”
Willy nodded. “So I hear.”
“Jen. Where are my car keys?” Rollin asked.
“In Mom’s desk. I’ll get them.” She said taking off for the study.
The adults watched her as she ran from the room. Willy immediately recognized the tension between Cinnamon and Rollin. “Hey, I’m gonna go see about the car. I have date later and I don’t want to keep her waiting.” He said with a smile as he moved off toward the garage.
“Thanks Will.” Rollin said giving him a slap on the back as he went.
“She was wondering where you were.” Cinnamon said as Jennifer reappeared with his keys.
“Here Daddy.” She said, handing him the keys.
“Thanks Honey.”
“Jen. Maria is packing for
“K Mom.” She said. “Daddy, I’ll be out to check on you and Uncle Will after I help Maria.” She told him as she moved off toward Maria’s room.
“Ok Jen.” He had to smile at his daughters handling of her assignments.
He turned his smile to Cinnamon, “You’re looking lovely.” He said appreciating her emerald green pants suit and cream-colored blouse.
“Thank you.” She replied determined she was not going to succumb to his charms.
They stood for a moment, both unsure of the others next move. Cinnamon headed toward the living room and he followed.
She turned to him as she reached the coffee table. “Rollin, I want you here for Jennifer.”
He met her eyes, sincerely. “I want to be here for both of you.” He said then continued. “Can we call a truce today?” He asked.
She took a breath and nodded. “Yes. It is Christmas Eve after all.”
“Yeah.” He agreed, finally relaxing. “I thought Jen and I would go out for an adventure. Okay with you?” He asked.
She nodded. “She’d love it.”
He took a tentative step toward her, reaching for her hand. “I meant it. You are looking especially lovely today.” He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her fingers.
The touch of his lips on her skin sent a shiver through her, just as it always had.
He left her to help Willy with the car and she went to help Maria prepare to
leave for
Within the hour, Rollin and Willy had the car running. He and Jen spent the
day cruising around LA, shopping, site seeing and just being together. They
stopped for lunch on the pier in
“Daddy, these hot dogs aren’t like the ones in
“Nope, they’re not.”
“Do you miss
“Not too much Jen. I prefer being here with you.”
“Will you go back there?”
“Sometime. I just don’t know when.”
“I like
Rollin smiled. “We’ll go back there together.”
“But that lady can’t come back. Mommy didn’t like her.”
Rollin watched Jennifer. “Did Mom tell you that?”
“No.” She admitted. “But you and Mommy were fighting after she was there.”
Rollin reached for her and pulled her closer to him. “I know Jen and I’m sorry.”
“You need to tell Mommy you’re sorry.”
Rollin met his daughter’s blue eyes. “I will Jen. I promise.”
“Okay Daddy. Can we feed the birds now?”
“Sure we can.”
Rollin picked her up and hugged her. “Jen. You know how much I love you?”
“As much as I love you Daddy.” Jen giggled.
He set her down and hand in hand they went to buy bread to feed the seagulls.
Cinnamon appreciated the down time. The holidays were always hectic and she was no different than any mother with a soon to be six-year old daughter who was anticipating Santa. She wondered if Santa would bring her what she wanted. She ached for Rollin’s touch, yet she was still angry with him. How could he rationalize sleeping with another woman and think that it wouldn’t matter to her? How would he feel if she had done the exact same thing?
Maybe it was for the best. If he was going to start coming in and out of their lives, as he probably would, maybe it was best to leave things as they were and accept the fact that they might not be together. That thought saddened her, but maybe they were just not meant to be.
Jen and Rollin returned after dark with Rollin mentioning something about dinner. Cinnamon vetoed the idea saying “Not with all the food the Maria has prepared.” So they had a simple dinner and spent Christmas Eve as they always had, as a family. Throughout the evening Rollin tried to show Cinnamon his devotion to them.
With Jen reluctantly tucked into bed, they put out all the gifts from Santa. Rollin wondered just how long they were going to keep up the charade of putting out treats for Santa, because he knew that Jen knew that truth, she was too smart not too. But still he had a good time, leaving the half eaten cookie and half empty glass of milk.
Still there was the elephant in the room with them-the events of Thanksgiving. He knew she was still angry with him and he wanted to do whatever he had to do to make her forget. But he didn’t know where to start.
After they completed setting out the gifts, Rollin went to the bar. “May I pour you a drink?” He offered.
It had become something of a tradition for them, a cognac on Christmas Eve, before bed. “Sure.” She replied, moving one last gift to its proper place.
He joined her on the sofa, still keeping his distance.
“What has Tom got set up for you this time?” She asked.
“I haven’t seen the script yet. I won’t have it until after the New Year.”
“You agreed without seeing the script? That’s a first.” She said, surprised.
“I told Tom whatever the next project was, it had to be here. I needed to be back here. With you…both of you.” He said with sincerity.
Cinnamon did not meet his eyes.
“Cinnamon. I don’t know what to do. I know what happened was wrong but I can’t undo it now.”
“I know, but it happened. And now I have to wonder, will it happen again?”
He sighed. “You really don’t trust me.”
She didn’t answer him. He answered for her. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
“Maybe it’s for the best. Since I’m going back to work with Jim, maybe it’s better if we’re not together.” She said.
“Not together?” He repeated. “What are you talking about? Are you asking me to leave?” He couldn’t believe what she said.
“I’m not sure what I want. I wasn’t prepared for what happened. I thought…”
“You thought what?”
“That I was the only one.” She continued softly.
Rollin set his glass aside and moved closer to her. “You are the only one. You are the only woman who has my heart.” He pleaded. “My god Cinnamon, don’t let this tear us apart!”
Cinnamon felt her emotions start to rise. She had voiced what she had been
feeling since she left
He couldn’t make any excuses.
“You just thought if I didn’t find out, it would be okay.” She continued. “No Rollin. I can’t trust you, because you haven’t earned my trust.”
He couldn’t meet her eyes. She had him.
She sat her glass aside and rose from the sofa. “It’s late. Jennifer will be up early.”
“What about us?” He reached for her arm as she moved away.
She looked down at him. “I don’t know.” She said softly as she moved toward the stairs. “You can have the guest room.” She said as she left him.
Rollin sat there for the better part of an hour, reviewing their conversation. Finally tired and frustrated, he grabbed his bag from the foyer and went to the guest bedroom to try and get some sleep. It did not come. He kept hearing her say ‘maybe it’s better if we’re not together.’ He could not believe she said that. It frightened him. He had to think of something to make her understand.
Cinnamon woke, sensing someone was with her. She opened her eyes to find Rollin sitting on the edge of the bed, watching her. “What is it? Is something wrong with Jen?” She asked, still half asleep.
“No. She’s fine. It’s you and me I’m worried about.”
Cinnamon lay back against her pillow. “Rollin it’s late and we’re both tired, can’t we do this tomorrow?”
“No,” was his firm response.
She looked up at him and waited.
“I know what I did was wrong. Please don’t let one indiscretion on my part ruin what we have together.”
“One indiscretion…” She echoed.
“I can only blame it on my loneliness for you.”
“That’s an excuse.”
“That’s all I have.” He said, defeated. He looked at his hands and continued, “You are the only woman I have ever truly loved. I can’t imagine losing you. You’re the only thing in my life that really makes sense. You and Jennifer.”
Cinnamon could see the conviction in his eyes and the she heard the fear in his voice. She had scared him.
“I can promise you this…I will never lie to you. And I will do everything I can to make it up to you, that may take forever, but I’m willing to try. I’ll do anything to keep us together.” He said pleading his case.
He rose from the edge of the bed and moved toward the door.
“Rollin…” She called.
He turned back to her.
“Come here.”
He returned to look down at her. “Yeah?”
She sighed tiredly. “Stay here.” She said pulling the covers back on the opposite side of the bed. “Jen will be expecting to find you here.”
Rollin’s heart leapt. He rounded the bed and climbed underneath the covers.
“We still have a lot to talk about.” She responded turning on her side away from him.
“I know.” He said closing his eyes hoping he had started down the road to forgiveness.
Later that morning Rollin woke with Cinnamon still beside him. For a fleeting moment he thought that it had all been a bad dream, but then the memory of their conversation suddenly returned.
A quick little rap on the door brought Cinnamon fully awake. Rollin rolled toward the door. “Come in.” He called.
“Daddy?” Jen said opened the door slowly unsure of what she heard. “You’re here!” She cried as she ran across the room and jumping in between them
“Merry Christmas, Sweetheart.” He said hugging her.
THE END
Elena Vorska
April 2002