Decisions

April 1976

Rollin turned the ignition off in the rented convertible just as the front door to the house opened and a six-year-old little girl ran towards the driveway.

“DADDY!” she screamed and threw herself at him over the door of the car.

“Whoa, there”, he opened the door and quickly stepped around and took the girl in his arms and picked her up off the ground and giving her a kiss,  “You’ve grown about a foot since January!”

“Three-quarters of an inch”, she corrected, obviously very proud of the accomplishment.  She was definitely going to be tall and slender like both of her parents.  “How long are you staying?” 

"Just a couple of day, I need to be in Vancover on Monday.  Where’s your Mom?”  He looked longingly towards the house but saw no sight of her.

“She’s on the phone with Uncle Jim, we have to be quiet when it’s Uncle Jim…” Rollin knew exactly what that meant; she was working closely with Jim Phelps, trying to keep her hand in “the business” as much as she could as a single mother. 

When he had left in January he was unsure of what was to become of his relationship with Cinnamon.  He had left the both of them.  He still was not completely sure what reception he would get.  He knew his infidelity had hurt her deeply. He hoped that a little time and distance was what they had needed to help get their relationship back on track.  He was encouraged when last night he had called and asked if he could visit and stay at the house for the weekend, and Cinnamon had said ‘yes’.  

Jennifer reached for Rollin’s hand and began to drag him into the house…he paused to grab his garment bag out of the back seat and followed her up the walk.  When they walked in the front door, Rollin smiled to himself.   Cinnamon had done some redecorating since he had been there, and her fashion sense showed throughout.  Every room was perfectly decorated but very warm and inviting.  They had purchased the house together shortly after Jennifer was born.  While he had contributed financially, the property was wholly in Cinnamon’s name, just a part of their agreement on raising their daughter.  He wanted the best for both of them and made sure he did his share or more of providing for her.

“Come on, we painted my room, you’ve got to see it!” the energetic child nearly pulled her father up the staircase.  Rollin could hear Cinnamon on the phone in the study down the hall from the living room but followed his daughter to her room. 

Cinnamon hung up the phone and checked herself in the mirror.  After all these years, Rollin still had a way of making her feel like a schoolgirl with a crush.  Her heart was beating fast and it was all she could do to maintain a professional demeanor with Jim during their conference call.  She followed the sound of voices up the stairs and to her daughter’s room.  She stood in the doorway several seconds, watching the two of them interact.  So much alike, she smiled to herself.  Not a day went by that the child did not remind her of her father.  She not only had Rollin’s blue eyes, but his mischievousness and a grin that could make anything forgivable.   “Hello, stranger…” she finally broke their private father-daughter moment.

“Cinnamon…” Rollin smiled and moved to her in one graceful move.  He wanted to take her in his arms and show her how much he had missed her in the three months they had been apart, but he was unsure given how they had left things between them in January. In deference to their daughter’s presence, he simply kissed her on the cheek, whispering in her ear, “You look fantastic….”

“How was your flight?  You got here in good time…” They made small talk until Jennifer tired of their banter and interrupted.

“Daddy, let’s go swimming.”

“Ok, kiddo, sounds perfect…you gonna join us, Mom?” he looked eagerly at Cinnamon.

“Sure, you two go on down, I have to make another phone call then I’ll join you.  Rollin, you still have a suit in the pool house.” 

Rollin put his suitcase in the guest room.  He still wasn’t sure where he stood with Cinnamon. He thought it better to let her take the lead. He slipped off his shoes and headed downstairs and out to the pool while Jennifer changed.  Cinnamon had disappeared into the study and closed the door.  He resisted the urge to follow her and headed outside.

In the study, Cinnamon hesitated at the phone. She had made plans with a friend, a male friend, who was maybe on the way to being more than a friend, but would have to cancel now with Rollin’s arrival. As much as she wanted to see Rollin, she was a little annoyed that, after three months, he felt he could just interrupt their lives with no thought to what plans she might have….  She stopped herself, trying to figure out exactly what she was feeling.  Rollin was the love of her life, the father of her child, yet when he walked out of the house in January, she had made the decision that she had to go on with her life.  Upon seeing him again today, however, her emotions were torn.

Ted was in his late 30’s and had an eight-year-old son from a short-lived marriage during his residency.  He was tall with sandy blond hair and brown eyes, and a healthy tan that he said came equally from golf and taking his son to the beach as often as he could.  He was physically in contrast to Rollin, not as tall, but more muscular and broad-shouldered.  Ironically, he was a member at one of Willy’s gyms and his dedication to workouts was obvious. 

Cinnamon was attracted to him physically but also to his sense of humor and dedication to his child.  She tried desperately not to compare him to Rollin, knowing Rollin would spend more time with Jennifer if the situation were different and his career did not require him to spend so much time in New York and London, but that wasn’t how it had been working out lately. 

She and Ted had gone out a several times over the last two months, including taking the children to Disneyland and the beach.  She very much sensed that Ted wanted more from their relationship but she was still keeping him at arm’s length physically. 

She left a message with the service that she had unexpected guests and would have to cancel their plans for brunch the next day, Sunday, and that she would explain soon.  She felt guilty not only for canceling on Ted but for, if at least in her own mind, dropping him as soon as Rollin showed on the scene. 

Hanging up the phone, she headed towards the pool house and proceeded to change into a black two-piece swimsuit that she knew showed off her tan and that Rollin had indicated he was particularly fond of. She still wasn’t sure what her emotions were telling her and felt guilty as if she were somehow being unfaithful to Ted, even though their relationship had not yet proceeded to an intimate level, but she couldn’t deny the chemistry she and Rollin shared and enjoyed their physical relationship.  She decided to quit thinking for now and enjoy the moment with her little family together again once more. 

Rollin and Jennifer played in the pool for about an hour while Cinnamon floated on a raft, careful not to get in the way of their splashing. Tired from the sun and water and compounded by the fact that he had flown all morning to get to the west coast, Rollin indicated he wanted to take a short nap before dinner.  As he announced this, he looked longingly at Cinnamon, his invitation to her obvious. 

Cinnamon answered his unspoken question instead by saying, “I’ll go see what Maria has in mind for dinner…”

Later that afternoon, after naps by both Rollin and his daughter, the two set out in the convertible to find something special for dessert.  Wandering through the grocery store, Rollin pointed out various dessert options but Jennifer finally spoke up with “Strawberry shortcake!”

“Strawberries…. that sounds good,” Rollin responded and headed to the produce section. 

“Yeah, we had that last Saturday at our picnic on the beach with Uncle Ted and Ryan”, the little girl offered.

Rollin hesitated, not knowing if he wanted the answer to the next question he was about to ask. “Who are Uncle Ted and Ryan?”

“Uncle Ted is Mommy’s boyfriend, he’s a doctor, Ryan is his little boy….”, Jennifer responded innocently.

Rollin’s heart and stomach sank.  He certainly had his share of dates, but none of them took Cinnamon’s place in his heart.  He had hoped that some time and distance would have Cinnamon missing him.  Maybe she didn’t want him back.  He also hated the fact that there was another man in his daughter’s life.  He knew he should not pry the child for details but couldn’t help asking one more question.  “You like them?”

“Sure”, the little girl beamed, not knowing the effect it was having on her father, “Uncle Ted’s great…we went to Disney and the beach and he’s gonna take us skiing in the winter… Ryan is ok but he teases me a lot...he is eight.”

Rollin purchased the dessert items and drove them home, letting Jennifer play with the radio so that he didn’t have to speak…his thoughts lost in the fact that Cinnamon was seeing someone and it sounded serious.  It sounded to him like it was really over. He tried to tell himself that he did not have all the facts.  As they pulled in the driveway, he decided he would not say anything but let her tell him when she was ready.

After dinner of burgers on the grill topped off with the shortcake for dessert, the three settled in the family room to watch a movie on TV.  Rollin watched Cinnamon all evening and tried to read her. She was mostly quiet during dinner and had not sat next to him during the movie but let Jennifer curl up in his lap.  They were little things, which he might not have noticed otherwise but given Jennifer’s news, it hurt him.  He knew they still had a long way to go to repair the rift between them, but he had been encouraged by her invitation to stay with them.  Jennifer’s revelation earlier in the day had upset him and he couldn’t let go of it. 

Cinnamon had taken Jennifer to bed.  In better times, this would have been the time they got to enjoy each other’s company, usually spent in bed, but Rollin was hesitant to make any forward moves and waited for Cinnamon’s lead.

On the way downstairs from tucking Jennifer into bed, Cinnamon tried to decide how the rest of the evening was going to go…she desperately wanted Rollin.  Her anger towards him had waned over the last several weeks and just being in the same room with him was overpowering, their chemistry was that strong.  She didn’t want to deceive him, however, or jeopardize what seemed to be a promising relationship with Ted by sleeping with Rollin.  She moved to the bar when she entered the room, “You want more wine?”

“Sure,” he said, hoping it would give him some courage for whatever was about to happen.  He moved to the bar.  She handed him his glass and their fingers touched.  “I meant what I said earlier, you look fantastic…”

“You flatterer…” she responded smiling and moved towards him.  She knew if she kissed him, there would be no going back so for now she moved past him and returned to the couch.

“Mmmm, just a lot on my mind.  I was talking with Jim when you got here, we’re having a problem with an agent, one of my recruits, hard not to take it personally…” she mused. 

He nodded his understanding and sat down next to her and took her wine glass from her hand and sat it on the table, taking her hands, “I’m glad that’s all it is, I thought you were still mad at me…” he said showing her that infamous grin.

“Why?” she chuckled, “What have you done this time?”

“Nothing yet,” he responded and leaned into her, meeting her gaze, looking for approval to continue.  When she did not pull away, he kissed her deeply, moving one hand to her face and the other to her hair. She let him continue kissing her, letting her body respond to his touch and his whispers.  She marveled at the effect he had on her and simply let go and enjoyed herself. 

They continued to kiss on the couch until she paused slightly, “This probably isn’t the best place for this….” She motioned towards Maria just down the hall and their daughter’s room at the top of the stairs.  He stood, pulling her to her feet and led her upstairs.  Cinnamon signed inwardly, the course of the evening was in motion and she decided not to stop it.

They made love slowly, quietly…Rollin felt almost as if he were taking advantage of her, knowing she was most likely feeling torn about her feelings.  But, he knew Cinnamon well enough to know she never did anything she didn’t want to, so he tried to show her how he felt about her with his gentle caress and kisses. 

Afterwards, they lie in the darkness, touching but not speaking.  Finally, Cinnamon rolled on her side away from Rollin and took a deep breath. “Rollin…we need to talk,” she said hesitantly.

“Okay,” he knew she wanted to talk to him about Ted but wasn’t looking forward to it.  He did not turn towards her and was lying on his back staring at the ceiling.

“Jennifer and I are glad you’re here….you know that…but I wish you’d give me some notice before you just call and tell her you’re on your way…makes me feel like I can’t say no…”

“You wanted to say ‘no’”? 

“What are you saying, Cinnamon?  You don’t want me here for you?”  She did not answer, so he continued, not wishing to prolong the inevitable any longer, “Cinnamon, I know about Ted….”

He felt her stiffen…. “How..?”

“Jennifer told me…” he started, but she cut him off. 

“How dare you question our daughter about who I’m seeing!” she sat up in bed and pulled the sheet up around her. 

“Hey, calm down, it wasn’t like that, she told me, I didn’t ‘question her’,” he snapped back then softened, “Is this serious? When were you going to tell me?”

Cinnamon left the bed and reached for her robe, which was on the chair, and wrapped it around her.  It was dark in the room, with only a sliver of moonlight coming in the French doors that led to the balcony, but she suddenly felt “exposed”.   She sat in the chair and pulled her legs up under her. 

After a long pause she began, “I don’t know what it is, Rollin.  I just know I’m very confused and your being here doesn’t help matters.” He didn’t say anything, knowing with Cinnamon, it was best not to push. 

In the darkness, she continued, “Rollin, you know how I feel about you, I can’t even stay angry at you. I’ve never felt about anyone the way I do about you.  You gave me Jennifer and I love you…but this isn’t working.  When we’re together, everything’s wonderful, you show up every few months and we’re like a family, then you leave and Jen and I are just left to pick up the pieces.  Rollin, she misses you so much, I miss you so much…you have no idea…I look at her every day and see you. It tore me apart when you left us in January…” her voice broke with the last sentence.

He wished he could see her face, touch her, but he stayed where he was, on the bed and said, “Cinnamon, is that what you want, for me to be here all the time?  How many times have I asked you to marry me in the last seven years?  And how many times have you said ‘no’?” He didn’t leave her room to respond, “I miss you too, but I thought this was what you wanted.” 

“I don’t know what I want, Rollin.  I want you, but I don’t think we would survive that way.  I want Jennifer to have a father…”

“God, Cin, don’t do this to me…. I wanted to stay. You think I like never seeing her?  Never seeing you?  I apologized a hundred times and tried to show you how I felt but you wouldn’t give me a break.  You made it clear you didn’t want me here so I’m trying to go on with my life.  Looks like you have too….”

“That’s not fair, Rollin, you think I’m supposed to wait here patiently for you while you traipse around the world.  I’m supposed to accept that there are other women, but you want me to sit here pining away for you…”

“I’ve never said that you were supposed to wait for me,” he took a deep breath and exhaled as he continued, “I know you’ve been with other men, I just try not to think about it.”

Cinnamon got up from her chair and walked to the French doors without speaking.  Rollin searched for the shorts he had been wearing earlier that evening, quickly put them on and walked towards her, but not too close….

After a few moments of silence, she spoke, but so quietly he almost could not hear her, “No, Rollin.”

He didn’t understand, “’No’ what?”

“No, I haven’t been with anyone but you since Jennifer was born,” she remained facing the night sky as she said it. 

Rollin Hand did not often find himself speechless but her confession had left him without response.  He had no idea….before he could say anything, she turned to him and he could see in the moonlight that she had been crying.  He reached for her, she tried to push him away but he wouldn’t let her, wrapping his arms around her tightly, “Cinnamon, why?”

“Rollin, I love you…..I haven’t wanted anyone else…” is all she could get out before she gave up fighting him and rested her head on his shoulder.  They stood together in the darkness for a few moments until Cinnamon pulled away from him and sat on the bed.

“God, at times like this I wish I still smoked,” she said, trying to lighten the moment. 

Rollin laughed and sat next to her on the bed, still not sure what to say.  He was experiencing a rush of emotions, shock, guilt and some resentment that he couldn’t quiet place…“Cinnamon, I never asked you to wait for me.  If you’re waiting for me, you should have told me…”

“I’m not waiting, I just haven’t found anyone else who was worth it.  No one who made me feel like you do.  No one who was worth complicating Jennifer’s life…”

“until now….” He finished her sentence.

“I don’t know, Rollin…Ted is great.  He’s smart, funny, responsible, a well-respected doctor, attractive…he’s great with his son and Jen.  I just feel guilty all the time when I’m with him and I don’t know why.  I guess I feel like I’m being unfaithful to you and I hate it.  I hate that I think about you all the time and just about when I can get through an evening with Ted and not think about you, you show up and turn everything upside down.”  She was letting her frustration and resentment show more than she had intended. 

“Cinnamon,” he tried to contain his rising anger, “You’ve done this to yourself, don’t blame me.  I love you and you know that, but you won’t have me. Don’t blame me for you not moving on with your life.” He rose from the bed and started pacing as he continued. “You won’t marry me so I live my life…don’t make me feel guilty for that.  You can’t have it both ways….”

“You really think we’d make it married?” her anger was rising to meet his, “You think you could stay faithful to me then?  I’m only still exciting to you because you only see me ten times a year…it’s a challenge this way, but you’d get bored.  You’d resent me if we got married, Rollin Hand, don’t deny it, I know you too well.”

He stood in the dark facing her direction, holding his tongue, waiting for her to continue…

“I want what’s best for my daughter.  You think seeing us miserable together would be better than this?” 

“Your daughter?” he started and they argued like this for close to an hour.  While both were strong-willed and had their differences of opinion over the last ten years, they had never had a fight like this that was so personal, so hurtful. 

Finally worn out and getting nowhere, Rollin turned on the bathroom light and began picking up his clothes from the bedroom floor.  “I’m going to sleep in the other room.  I’ll explain to Jennifer that I have to leave earlier than expected tomorrow but you need to figure out what you want, Cinnamon.  When you do, I’ll let you know if I care…” and he walked out of the room. 

Cinnamon grabbed a pillow from the bed and threw it after him hitting the closed door.  She finally let the tears of anger and hurt she’d held in flow and cried herself to sleep, hating Rollin and loving him at the same time. 

The next morning, Cinnamon took her time coming downstairs, not wanting to face Rollin or see how hurt Jennifer would be that he was not staying another day.  His luggage sitting at the bottom of the stairs told her he had not changed his mind about leaving.  When she finally gathered the strength to enter the kitchen, she found Jennifer busy showing Rollin how to make Mickey Mouse pancakes. 

Obsessed with getting the ears just right, neither of them saw her come in, but Maria, who was setting the table while her kitchen was being overrun, caught Cinnamon’s eye with a long knowing look.  Cinnamon did not know if she had heard them fighting last night but Maria definitely could feel something wasn’t right this morning. 

Maria had been with her since before Jennifer was born, she was invaluable in raising Jennifer and was more a member of the family than an employee.  Cinnamon knew Maria cared for Rollin but from time to time had let it slip that felt he should spend more time with his daughter.  It was unspoken between them but she also knew that Cinnamon was having mixed emotions about her relationship with Ted.  Cinnamon broke her gaze and stepped over to kiss Jennifer on the top of the head, “Good morning, Pumpkin.” She glanced at Rollin who resumed his concentration on the pancakes. 

“Hey, I think I’m pretty talented…” Rollin rebutted. 

Cinnamon reached for a cup and poured herself a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen table while the two continued their banter.  She felt horrible about things she’d said the night before but was determined not to beg him to stay.  She had a right to feel the way she did and if he didn’t agree, maybe it was time they both moved on, no matter how hard it might be on Jennifer in the short term.

Pancakes ready, plates were filled and Rollin finally acknowledged Cinnamon by offering her a plate. “No thank you, I’m not really hungry this morning,” she replied, holding his gaze, looking for any sign of regret in his eyes.  Just a stubborn as she, he refused to let her see his feelings.

“Mom, Daddy says he has to go today….make him stay, tell him you don’t want him to go….we can go to the beach…” the little girl pleaded to both parents.  She was a happy child but always elated when she had both parents to lavish attention on her at once.

 Cinnamon hated to hurt the child and looked directly at Rollin when she replied, “Honey, you know Daddy is very busy, he wants to be with you but he has to leave today.”

Rollin picked up where she left off, “Maybe Mom will let you come out and stay with me in New York after school’s out, would you like that?”

Rollin and Jennifer made plans for her visit until breakfast was over then he made moves to leave.  Cinnamon stood back while he said his goodbyes to Maria and then to Jennifer, who began to cry as he left.  As he was walking out the door, he turned to Cinnamon and their eyes met…so much unspoken and it seemed it was going to stay that way for the time being, “Goodbye Cinnamon, I’ll call you about her trip when I get home.”

THE END

Betsy Nicholas

April 2002

<return to retirement universe>