Chapter 5

 

Thor Micó

 

915 a.d. - 968 a.d.

 

 

Life was tough for the early Vikings.  Maximus Micó and his crew had managed to locate a remote tribe in the mountains to the far north of the land.  To survive they bred cattle and fished around the shores.  But that was not enough for the Vikings, there was an acute shortage of women.  Well actually there were only two.  They were both very willing to keep the Vikings entertained, one could sing a bit and the other did magic tricks.

 

The Vikings had memories of other types of entertainment provided by women and decided that next weekend they would seek out the nearest orgy.

 

They set sail and travelling westward eventually landed on the east coast of Scotland. In the middle of the night Maximus went ashore on his own to reconnoitre. When he returned he briefed his men.

 

"Right men," Maximus whispered. "there's a village down the road and it sounds like a wild orgy is going on in a house called "Ye Nags Head".  We'll go in the house, have a few drinks and enjoy the orgy.  If you get a good woman try to get her to come for a ride in the boat.  Then we can take a few home with us."

 

They quietly crept into the village and into "Ye Nags Head".

 

"By the gods."  Maximus muttered to himself.  "These have to be the ugliest women in the world.  They all wear the same colour skirts and...and....no, I don't believe my eyes. They all have ginger beards and large red noses."

 

"Maximus, I know they're a bit rough," commented Causticus, "but me and the men are really getting desperate."

 

"O.k. men, get stuck in."

 

This early set back taught the Vikings a thing or two about visiting foreign countries.  Firstly never try to rape a drunken Scotsman.  Secondly, if you've made the first mistake, don't invite him back to see your boat.

 

Well as it turned out two Scots did go back to the boat.  They told of a land to the south that was full of the wildest, sexiest women in the world.

 

"We could nae keep up wi'em and had tae build a wall tae keep 'em oot."  The first Scot said in a Scot’s accent.

 

"Aye," added the second Scot.  "And if they try tae climb the wall, we gi'em a blast o' the ol' bagpipes.  That'll frighten off anyone within twenty miles."

 

He proceeded to play the bagpipes.

 

The Vikings could not suffer the awful noise and threw the two Scots overboard.

 

Maximus and his crew eventually got their women and returned to the Land of the Vikings.   There they lived happily and their numbers grew.  Orgies were not allowed in the Land of the Vikings, but every weekend they would sail to the land to the south west.  There they would search for their weekend pleasure.

 

The Vikings soon decided that having six kings was not practical.  So they united under the leadership of Maximus's son Olaf Micó, who became known as Olaf the Awful.

 

In fact he was so awful that they threw him out of office.  The son of Causticus, Aegir was made king in his place.

 

And so it was that the long line of Micó’s lost its' royal status.

 

Generations passed and Vikings became feared throughout northern Europe.  In the tenth century the Viking king, Thorfinn Rollo, eager to expand his territory, and sent his armies south.to France.  The leader of the army was none other than Thor Micó a direct descendant of Maximus.

 

The armies landed near a small town called Cannes.  Thor set up camp on the beach and posted guards to keep watch over night.

 

The French peasants, never having seen men dressed in fur, or having horns coming out of their heads, thought they must be aliens.  After all there had been frequent sightings of UFO's (Unidentified Floating Objects), over recent weeks.

 

They immediately informed the local governor, who sent along the local malitia to investigate.  The malitia captured one of the aliens and took him away for interrogation.

 

Please note that Vikings were pretty poor at foreign languages, but they did know some English that they had picked up during their weekend trips.  The French on the other hand were quite good at languages, particularly English, but had an awful accent.  For that reason the following spoken French, which is in italics, should be read with a heavy French accent.

 

"Now then yow naughty alien," Commander Rudolphe de Rougenez said, poking the Viking with a large sausage. "Hoo are yow, end whart dew yow warnt?"

 

"I am Sven, one of Thor's men. Grrrrrr." Replied the Viking menacingly.

 

"Nors.s.s. men, and wherre doo Nors.s.s mens come frrom?"

 

Sven was a simple rapist and pillager, he really didn't know how to answer the question.  All he knew was that when Thor had shown his crew a map, home was at the top, and France was at the bottom.

 

"Well home is that way." Sven answered pointing up in the air.

 

"My god!" Rudolphe thought to himself "Zees really are aliens".

 

"End Norsmen whart eez eet thet brrings yew earr?"

 

"We came to invade your country.  We will take your land and all of your women. Grrr."

 

"Hmm.  End ow deed yow come earr?"

 

"In a ship of course."

 

"A sheep, eez eet a, a, a space sheep?"

 

"Space?  Oh space, er, yeh, lots of space. Plenty of leg room."

 

"Le groom!  Plenty le groom!" (n.b. in French the word groom means bellboy).  "Eet must be a beeg sheep eef yow ave serrvents on eet. Zis eez too merrch pour moi. Marcelle yow murst fetch zee Keeng."

 

Now then, I know this sounds silly, but the King of France at this time was Charles the Simple.

 

Marcelle returned with Charles.

 

"Now zen Rudolphe, wherre ees zis alien Norman?" demanded Charles.

 

"Er, Norsmen yowr highness."

 

"Whart?"

 

"Er, er Norsmen sire. Yow er, cawled heem Norman."

 

"End hoo eez Keeng arrownd earr, anyway?"

 

"Er, yes sire. Right zees way. Zee, er, Norman eez eer."

 

The King addressed Sven.

 

"Szo, yow verry naughty airry alien, szo yow warnt too eenvad ma cuerntry doo yow? Well arrrm not eving eet, yow earr."

 

"Look matey, it's no good you getting shirty with me.  I'm only here for the raping and pillaging.  If you want to talk about the invasion you'd best go and talk to Thor Micó."

 

"End oow eez zees Thoorr Miccóó?"

 

"Well he's our leader."

 

"Zen alien......Tack me toow yowr leaderrr."

 

Charles the Simple had his meeting with Thor and eventually realised that the Norman's were not aliens after all.  They decided to settle the invasion peacefully by holding a quiz.  Each party could ask the other forty - two questions, and the who ever got most right was the winner.

 

Thor went first.

 

"How do you spell 'simple.'"

 

"Er, um, oh, ess, eye, emmm, pee, ay, ell."

 

"Wrong."

 

"Merde!  Ow doo yow spell 'Mesdemoiselles', huh!"

 

"Very carefully."

 

"Merde! deux point pour vous."

 

And so it went on.

 

Final score: Charles the Simple 0 Thor Micó 42

 

Charles was prepared to compromise with Thor and granted the Norman's control over a large part of his country, although he insisted that he remain King of all France. He declared the region be ruled by a new Duke, and be known as the Duchy of Norman.  Thorfinn sent his youngest son, Wellheim to become the first Duke of the Norman Duchy.

 

Thor was handsomely rewarded for his services to Thorfinn.  With his new wealth he bought a forty two bedroom detached castle with all mod cons, slit windows, draw bridge, moat, port cullis, etc..Wellheim knighted Thor, and he became known as Sir Thor of Normandy.  He married Clair-sur-Epte a cousin of King Charles the Simple which helped to unite France behind the Norman Duke.

 

Thor spent the rest of his days in peace, bringing up his seven children, and fishing in the moat.