PART NINE

For a while I stood outside Brian's door trying to get my breathing under control. Funny how I could go on stage with thousands of screaming fans and not break a sweat, but standing here alone, right outside his door made me nervous.

"Just do it," I demanded firmly and raised my hand to knock. No turning back, no turning back I chanted inwardly, waiting. Hearing the small catch of the latch being opened, I forced my self not to turn and run. One chance, that's all I have. To declare a beginning or an end. I knew if I left now, I would also lose myself. From regret and uncertainty came my simple desire to touch Brian and believe that it could be real.

Brian opened the door and we just looked at each other in total silence. I love you, I thought desperately. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, and only God knows what my face must have looked like.

"We need to talk," I finally managed to stammer out.

"We already have Nick."

"But if we can. . ."

"I don't think you understand. We can't." Brian looked at me matter-of-factly and began to close the door.

Oh, no. One chance to begin again and it was slipping out of my reach. With a determination borne out of desperation, I stuck my hand in and caught the door before it closed. If only I could say the words, the words to save myself, to save Brian. I struggled for a moment before blurting out:

"I love you."

An odd silence built between us as Brian took in what I said.

"So?" he said finally.

A quick spark of anger raced through me as I stood uncomfortably in the hallway. Why is it that sometimes there is so much anger for the ones you love? I forcefully pushed my way in and shut the door.

"Just give me a minute, okay?"

Brian glanced pointedly at his watch and I felt a flush of resentment.

"I love you," I repeated to him. "Just tell me what I need to do to fix this mess we're in."

"Tell me?"

Exasperated, I raked my fingers through my hair. "What do you want me to do, Brian? I'll do anything…anything. I need you, I miss you, I want us to be together. I'm sorry for all the things I said to you, I didn't mean it." I paused a second to look at Brian. I longed to see that burning look of desire in his eyes, but all I saw was a cool indifference.

"This isn't easy for me." I admitted.

"I'm sure it isn't."

I let a frustrated breath of air escape. "Brian. Something, someone's gotta give. I can't do this all alone."

"I know." Brian looked at his watch again. "Time's up."

I watched in disbelief as he walked over to the door and opened it. The sting of Brian's rejection brought a rush of conflicting emotions in me: frustration, desperation, and most of all, denial. I'd be damned if I was going to give up that easily. I walked over to the door, reached out with one hand and slammed it shut.

"You really are a bastard Brian, you know that? Here I am, spilling my guts out to you and all you can do is act like I'm bothering you."

"Well, welcome to the club, Nick. Seems I remember you did the exact same thing to me in AJ's room."

"But that was different."

Brian gave me an incredulous look and leaned against the closed door, his arms crossed. "Oh, really?"

"Really. Cause you said that you loved me and I was afraid to hear it. And now, I say that I love you but you aren't afraid to. . . " I paused as I saw Brian's eyes advert mine and I drew a sharp breath in, suddenly understanding.

"Brian. . . Brian!"

"What?"

"Look at me," I commanded.

Reluctant eyes glanced up at me.

"You're afraid," I said softly.

"No, I'm not."

I moved a step toward Brian. "Yes, you are. You're afraid to hear it. I can tell." My heart pounded wildly as I dared to take another step. "You're afraid to say it too, aren't you?"

"No, I’m not.”

One more step. God, I was so close, so close to Brian that I could actually feel the warmth radiating out from his body. "I love you, Brian," I whispered. "Say yes. . . to me."

I watched as Brian’s face struggled with the jumbled feelings of fear and exhilaration, defiance and longing as he tried to make his choice. Feeling a flash of desire in the pit of my stomach, I leaned in even closer. God, all I wanted to do was pull Brian to me, to kiss him, to show him that it could begin right here, right now with a simple yes.

My fingers framed the strong outline of his jaw, searching the blue depth of his eyes for an answer. "Say something, anything," I pleaded as I guided my lips slowly to his, kissing him with as much passion as I could.

I was hoping for a different answer than the one that left me sprawled out on the ground. I looked up in surprise as I realized that Brian had quickly shoved me away, his breath coming in erratic pants.

"Say something?" he snapped, his eyes ablaze. "Say anything? Okay Nick, how about this?"

Uh, oh, this looked like it could take a while.

I settled myself more comfortably on the ground and patiently waited as Brian ranted and raved, calmly listening to every cuss word, every vile epithet he flung my way. I let him ramble on and on, getting it all out of his system. I was not at all disturbed, not at all bothered, because in those few fiery seconds of contact, I had felt him kiss me back with as much passion as I did. I must have had a goofy smile on my face, because Brian stopped in mid-rant, giving me an annoyed look.

"I'm glad you find this so amusing, Nick."

I beamed up at him. "You love me - don’t you.” It was a statement, not a question, and I leaped effortlessly up from the ground, coming over to him.

Brian frowned unconvincingly and I had to laugh. "You love me," I repeated confidently.

Brian ignored my statement. "Where's Matthew?"

"AJ's babysitting him," I explained, noting the flash of concern in his eyes. "Don't worry. Matthew will survive. AJ might not." I grabbed Brian's arm and noticed that he didn't pull away. "Don't avoid me, Brian. Come on, say it. You. . . love. . . me." I edged in closer, holding my breath.

"You always this much a pain in the ass, Nick?" Brian tried to sidestep away from me, but I wouldn't let him and blocked his path.

"You always this nervous?" I teased as I leaned forward, my mouth just inches from his.

"No."

I wanted so badly to kiss him, our nearness was driving me crazy, but I waited patiently, not even daring to blink. I heard a small sigh of surrender from Brian.

"Oh, Nick," he said quietly. "Yes."

"Yes? Yes what? That you're nervous?"

Brian shook his head slightly.

"Yes…that I love you." His blue eyes glimmered with unshed tears. "There. Are you happy? I said it."

There was something in Brian's voice, open, honest, and incredibly vulnerable that made my heart soar. I slid my fingers through his hair and kissed him, once again marveling at how well we fit together.

God, Brian felt so good, the pressure of our bodies blending together made me gasp with desire before I pulled away.

"I've missed you, I've missed this. . . " I began, my voice fading away as I struggled to find the right words about how I felt.

Brian caught the wistfulness and stared at me as I fought wordlessly to explain.

"Jeez, Nick, you're not gonna try and sing to me, are you?"

Well that broke my mood. "Why not?" I asked offended. "I am a singer!’

"So am I, but you don't see me doing it!"

I was about to argue when I noticed Brian grinning at me like an idiot. I relaxed and laughed, knowing that he was only trying to help relieve some of the tension.

"I really suck at this seduction shit, don't I?"

Brian circled my waist, pulling me close. "Well, perhaps instead of singing, you could try something else."

Now we were both grinning like idiots. "Okay," I said happily. "I think I can find something else to seduce you with."

I watched as Brian's face warmed, and I felt another kind of heat rise inside me. "Come on," I said roughly, grabbing a hold of his hand.

"Where are we going?"

I nodded to his bed. "Unless, you want carpet burns?" I taunted with a smirk.

I enjoyed seeing Brian's face flush red again and with one quick, confident movement I threw him playfully onto the bed. I crawled on top, pinning him with my weight and kissed him quickly.

"Hey, look what I caught!" I said mischievously.

Brian smiled. "Yeah, but do you know what to do with it?"

"I think I've got a pretty good idea," I replied. The instant I kissed Brian again, I made damn sure he knew what I meant. I enjoyed the harsh little gasp that came from him and I pulled back a little, trying to tug off his shirt.

"Uh, Bri? I could use a little help here."

Brian sat up and easily shed his clothing along with mine. We looked at each other for a moment in silence. "God, you're beautiful," I whispered and Brian closed his eyes.

"I want you Nick," he breathed, "I need you. Now."

"Brian, open your eyes. Please. Don't close them." I gazed hungrily as he fluttered them open. "I've wanted this so much, so much, I. . . " Brian cut me off as he pulled my head down to kiss me hard.

I surrendered to the melting warmth of his mouth, exploring with impatient fingers the soft and hard outlines of his body. Brian twisted on the bed, digging his hands into the sheets as he arched to meet my demands.

"Tell me what you want me to do Brian," I murmured in his ear, gently stroking, teasing his inner thighs with a warm hand. "Do you want me to do this?" Brian hissed through clenched teeth, his eyes bright with want. "Or how about this?"

"Please. . . oh," panted Brian, pleading, demanding more.

My breathing ragged, I fought to control the exquisite shivers that ran through my body, concentrating, focusing instead on Brian's face. Brian held my gaze a moment before his eyes traced the path my fingers trailed. Small shocks of pleasure rocked through him as my caresses found sensitive, tender areas.

I had almost forgotten what it was like, to feel so alive, to see how Brian responded to my touch. For the first time in a long time I felt wanted, needed, desired. The sound of Brian’s passion-filled voice calling my name sent a powerful, intoxicating jolt of heat through me.

"Nick," Brian whispered urgently, arching his body against mine. That was all I needed. I gave him a look that surpassed any questions, any explanations and Brian nodded, spreading his thighs apart. I trembled as Brian’s hands traced down the small of my back, cupping his hands to draw me nearer.

There was no turning back, no allowance for compromise and we both knew it was neither needed nor wanted. Brian’s eyes shone with the promise of an unspoken pledge of love and for a moment I willed myself to dwell in there, accepting his declaration.

With a muffled groan, I bore down with my weight and thrust my hips forward. The pain and pleasure were too intense to suppress and ragged gasps escaped from our lips. I silenced us both with a kiss, inhaling Brian’s pain, savoring my pleasure. I knew that this violence against his body would soon be replaced with a sweet passion and I brushed small kisses down the nape of his neck, waiting, fighting off my own desire to move.

Feeling the searing heat that sheathed me, I moaned with approval as Brian gripped my hips, seeking, demanding movement from me. I responded to the demand and began to slide my hips in a slow, sensual rhythm. I varied the movement slightly, taunting Brian as he panted and begged me for a quicker rhythm. Suddenly taking command, Brian met my thrusts with ones of his own. With breathtaking ease we moved as one, our movements fluid, fast, each seeking for simultaneous release.

“Nick, don’t stop now,” I heard Brian breathe and I gave a small groan.

“I don’t think I could,” I answered and threw my head back, a pure wave of raw electricity sending me into an overwhelming climax. I continued to rock into that abyss of passion and I opened my eyes in time to see Brian reach his peak, arching with cries of incoherent pleasure.

It took a while before I was able to hear Brian’s short, uneven breathing, feel his warm but moist body pressing against my own. Dazed, I felt the tentative touch of Brian’s hands caressing my back. I shook my head a little to clear the last wisps of lingering passion and found Brian watching me with a loving look. I withdrew gently, blindly seeking for Brian’s fingers to intertwine with as I lay on my back to catch my breath.

Brian lay on his side, the shadows of the room casting a jagged crisscross against his body. I watched as Brian slowly brought our laced fingers up to his lips, giving my hand the gentlest of kisses.

“I need you,” I said. “Please don’t ever leave me again.”

Brian’s eyes softened. “How can I? My heart goes where yours is.”

I gripped Brian’s hand tight. “With me.”

“With you.”

“And Matthew.”

Brian smiled. And then frowned.

“What? What?”

“You left Matthew with AJ.”

“Yeah.” I rubbed my forehead. “Well, at the time it seemed like a good idea.”

Brian twisted out of my grip. “It was a great idea, Nick.” He leaned over to give me a quick kiss before climbing off the bed. “But now, I think it might turn into a bad one.”

Tossing me my discarded clothing, we both quickly dressed and hurried to the door, but not before I ambushed Brian, wrapping my arms around him as I kissed him thoroughly.

“Continue that and we will never save Matt,” Brian warned with a laugh.

I reluctantly let go. “Yeah, no telling what’s happened to my son.” I opened the door, then paused, turning to face Brian. “You know I love you.”

Brian’s eyes creased with happiness and my heart caught in my throat as he spoke. “Nick, I love you. You’ll never have to worry about me not saying something, anything. I will always love you. I will always say yes.”

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