THE STRANGE, SICK, SAD CAREERS OF
The X-Men
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The creakiest part of "X2: X-Men United" is the title. Apart from that, the movie was a sleek, streamlined, pitch-perfect entry into 2003's haphazard field of big summer blockbusters. While the script and effects are solid, the most striking element of both X-Men films is the spot-on accuracy of the casting. "X2"-an improvement in many ways over the original "X-Men"-built upon the good work of its predecessor by welding the right actors into tricky parts; Hugh Jackman, a previously unknown Australian actor, is so inextricably linked with Wolverine that it now seems faintly ridiculous that he wasn't the first choice for the role. The choices for most of the rest of the cast were equally apt.
Because I have far too much time on my hands, I investigated the on-screen careers of the various X-Men to see if they fare as well outside of the guidance of "X2" director Bryan Singer. Here, I'm using "X-Men" in the most chauvinistic sense of the term: as much as I adore Famke Janssen and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, and think mostly kind thoughts about Halle Berry and Anna Paquin, this time around it's all about the boys. Can Hugh Jackman play anyone other than Wolverine? Has the prolific and talented Alan Cumming ever appeared in anything resembling a good film? And where did this Shawn Ashmore kid come from, anyway? (Canada, as it turns out). These were the questions I wanted answered. Sort of. Mostly, I was looking for a pretext to rent stacks of James Marsden films, which is really not the kind of thing you should do without a good excuse firmly in place.
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Hugh Jackman:
Having overdosed on Star Trek in college, I skipped over Patrick Stewart's filmography and dove straight into the Hugh Jackman oeuvre. There wasn't much of an oeuvre to dive into, since Jackman rose from obscurity to icon status with his dead-on portrayal of Wolverine in the first film. Jackman brings a nice human quality to an over-the-top character; the fact that he's outrageously attractive doesn't hurt matters either. That said, however, it's not unusual to develop a mad crush on Wolverine that ends abruptly at the sight of Jackman outside of his claws. It's a sad testament to the awesome power and fickle nature of hormones that foul-tempered, cigar-chomping, fuzzy-faced Wolverine is far sexier than sleek, clean-shaven, perpetually chipper family man Jackman. I can't explain it, but I know better than to fight it.
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Someone Like You
(2001)
Immediately upon release of the first X-Men film, Jackman started receiving offers for plum roles in major Hollywood movies. The downside to this is that he promptly started churning out big, bland studio pictures. His first post-Wolverine role was in "Someone Like You," an immeasurably irritating romantic comedy starring an ill-used Ashley Judd as a neurotic twit who, after being dumped by caddish Greg Kinnear, publishes her inane theories about the differences between men and women and becomes an instant media sensation. Jackman is a breath of fresh air as Judd's slutty, womanizing roommate who rightly identifies her theories as crap; he's fun to watch, until the plot calls for him to fall madly in love with her.
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Swordfish
(2001)
Jackman next surfaced in "Swordfish," in which he plays a brilliant computer hacker forced to work for generic uber-villain John Travolta. The rest of the players include Jackman's bitchy porn queen ex-wife, a nameless blonde who orally services Jackman while he cracks computer code at gunpoint, and fellow X-Man Halle Berry as Travolta's floozy. I didn't care much for "Swordfish," but that's okay; the filmmakers didn't care much for me, or the rest of my gender, either. At various points in the story, Berry bends over while wearing a short skirt, flashes her breasts at Jackman for no earthly reason, and dangles from a rope, slowly strangling while Jackman cracks still more computer code at gunpoint; from an X-Man standpoint, this is wrong on so many levels. I usually have no quibble with the exploitation of attractive actors--Berry does have fabulous breasts, and if she wants to show them off, there's no shortage of moviegoers who'd like to see them--but there's something a little snickering and mean-spirited in the film's treatment of her. Jackman's fine in this, in the way that he's fine in everything he does, but he's no Wolverine; he emerges from the wreckage with a smidgen more remaining dignity than Travolta, but that might be simply because he wasn't forced to wear a stupid-ass goatee consisting only of a pencil-thin strip of fuzz down his chin like a Brazilian bikini wax gone horribly wrong.
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Kate & Leopold
(2001)
Most recently, Jackman starred opposite Meg Ryan in "Kate & Leopold," a film which proved to be my Waterloo of sorts. I'm no stranger to cruddy movies. In the name of research, I watched pretty much everything in the decade-long disaster zone that James Marsden calls a career, but I know my limitations. I didn't think I'd be able to handle Jackman as a 19th century English nobleman transported to contemporary times who falls in love with modern woman Ryan. Evidence suggests the result is madcap and whimsical. Excessive whimsy gives me hives, and besides, I'd done my time on the romantic comedy front by watching "Someone Like You." Anyway, "Kate & Leopold" was still on the New Release shelf, which means I'd have to shell out an extra two dollars to rent it. I'm underemployed, I'm doing this for my own edification, and quite frankly, I think someone needs to pay me to watch Meg Ryan movies.
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James Marsden:
The most underrated X-Man, James Marsden doesn't get enough credit for the subtle work he's done in breathing life into Cyclops, the character who has spent the past forty years in the comic book world as the dull guy who leads the X-Men because none of the cooler mutants want the job. Marsden manages to find the sly charm in Cyclops' straightlaced dorkiness; his poorly-concealed wrath at the way Wolverine pisses all over his territory is a joy to behold.When his face isn't obscured by Cyclops' visor, Marsden is almost ludicrously beautiful, in a way that makes me want to compose giddy sonnets about his lovely blue eyes. It's a sad commentary on the dismal state of the motion picture industry that Marsden, with his formidable combination of talent, charm, and cheekbones, isn't a full-blown star yet. Critically thus far he's been overlooked, underrated, or outright dismissed. At long last, however, he seems poised for a breakthrough. His performance in the low-budget independent film "The 24th Day" is nothing short of phenomenal, and proves without question that he deserves a spot in the big leagues.
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Boogies Diner
(1994)
After getting off to an inauspicious start with a couple of guest spots on "The Nanny," Marsden was cast in a lead role in the similarly-inauspicious syndicated series "Boogie's Diner." During its short run, I only caught a couple of episodes, so I don't recall any particulars; I remember it being lame, though not actively vile like, say, "Saved By the Bell." As to Marsden, I have vague impression of dark hair and a lot of shiny white teeth, but that's pretty much the extent of my recollection. Due to its short, unheralded run, it's not likely to be shown in syndication or released on DVD. This means no collector's edition deluxe box set complete with signed-and-numbered die-cast polyurethane figurine of series star Jim J. Bullock. Drat. |
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No Dessert, Dad, Till You Mow the Lawn
(1994)
Like so many bright young things, Marsden got his start in features in a fast, sloppy, micro-budgeted, straight-to-video release for famed schlockmeister Roger Corman. Why couldn't it have been one of Corman's infamous tawdry, exploitative films instead of this anemic family fare? Something where he runs around in a tank top and lots of stuff blows up, maybe something with co-stars like Tia Carrere and Antonio Sabato, Jr., instead of Joanna Kerns and Richard Moll? The plot, such as it is, revolves around a couple of tykes (Joshua Schaefer and "Smallville"'s lovely Allison Mack, her gawky adolescence immortalized on film) who alter their parents' self-hypnosis tapes to trick the poor sots into doing their shameless bidding. As the sadistic older brother, Marsden bulldozes through this crap with an assurance in the face of degradation not seen since Bill Pullman sang and danced his way through "Newsies." (Die-hard Marsden fans can snatch up a DVD for a couple bucks on eBay. Don't expect much in the way of extra features. The box claims it contains the original trailer, which, unless it's an ingeniously hidden Easter egg, is a dirty lie. The DVD does have a trailer for some gorilla buddy film starring the kid who plays Reese on "Malcolm in the Middle," so, y'know, it's not completely without added value).
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Second Noah
(1996)
This short-lived series marked the first in a long string of teen father roles for Marsden (on a poignant "Outer Limits" episode, he played a teen father raised in captivity by aliens, which was rather an exciting variant). Whee. There is possibly nothing in the world less sexy than a teen father--"Hey, ladies, he's fertile!" I don't know much about "Second Noah" outside of publicity stills featuring Marsden posing shirtless with llamas. Huh. It came in on the mid-'90s wave of uplifting, inspirational family shows ("Promised Land," "Touched by an Angel," "Seventh Heaven"). I'm of the opinion that this type of show has no business mucking up the airwaves, but since I haven't seen a single bloody episode, I won't judge prematurely. It might be a heart-warming little gem. Or it might really suck.
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Public Enemies
(1996)
Also known under the title "Public Enemy #1," this one's a straight-to-video project about the larcenous Barker gang, with Theresa Russell as a surprisingly glamorous Ma Barker. Marsden, naturally, plays the sluttiest of the homicidal Barker boys (lip service is given to the fact that he's supposed to be the smartest one, too, but since we see no evidence of this, I've decided to ignore it). A friend of mine argues that any film featuring an appearance by Alyssa Milano in a black nightie and garter belt can't possibly be all that bad, and while I appreciate his point, "Public Enemies" is pretty crappy, even by my generous standards. Marsden doesn't have a whole lot to be proud about here, though of the principal cast he does sport the backwoods drawl least likely to incur the wrath of the Ozark Anti-Defamation League. "Public Enemies" also stars Frank Stallone, Eric Roberts, and Dan Cortese as FBI bureau chief Melvin Purvis. Be very afraid.
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Campfire Tales
(1997)
"Campfire Tales" slunk directly to video on the coattails of "Scream," which means it dates from a time when teen horror films weren't expected to be self-referential or witty or, y'know, watchable. Even still, the end result is mostly fun, with a solid young cast that includes Christopher Kennedy Masterston, Ron Livingston, and Christine Taylor. It's kind of a horror anthology, with a framing device and a smattering of different stories in the style of "Creepshow." Marsden is in the film for all of three minutes, and he isn't called upon to do anything more taxing than sucking a little face with cute Amy Smart, yet he managed to get himself featured prominently on the movie poster. Nice work, if you can get it.
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On the Edge of Innocence
(1997)
Marsden kicked off his string of portrayals of gorgeous nut jobs in this surprisingly effective made-for-TV movie about a couple of troubled teens (Marsden and Kellie Martin) who fall in love and escape from the psychiatric ward. Ah, young, under-medicated, manic-depressive love. Both Marsden and Martin are very good with tricky roles: they manage to be believably out of control and yet remain sympathetic, not twerpy.
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Bella Mafia
(1997)
Marsden and his amazing cheekbones got some nice exposure with a meaty part in "Bella Mafia," a CBS miniseries with all the artery-clogging goodness and authentic Sicilian flavor of a box of Velveeta Shells & Cheese. Not so much melodramatic as histrionic, "Bella Mafia" starts off like an average cheeseball "Godfather" knockoff, with such high-caliber actors as Vanessa Redgrave, Nastassja Kinski, and Illeana Douglas mugging their way through every mob stereotype in the book. Then Marsden bursts onto the scene as a feral, psychotic, barking-mad Mafia hitman who gleefully wipes out half the cast, seduces the other half, and runs away with the show, dragging most of the scenery behind him, though the peerless Jennifer Tilly tries her best to wrestle it away from him. "Bella Mafia" is awful, awful, awful, and I mean that in the very best possible way.
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Disturbing Behavior
(1998)
Against my better judgment but without apology, I like this movie. It's a little on the lame side, sure, but there's something terribly well-meaning about it. A mishmash of "The Stepford Wives" and "A Clockwork Orange," the plot involves an insidious parent-sponsored scheme to surgically transform rebellious underachievers into model students. Naturally, there are a few bugs in the works: whenever the altered kids get sexually excited, they turn into berserk killing machines. Oops. Marsden, the troubled new kid in town, teams up with "Dawson's Creek" cutie Katie Holmes (playing the oddly wholesome town slut) to stop these nefarious shenanigans. Or something along those lines--it's been about a week since I last watched it, and already the plot details are no longer taking up valuable real estate in my brain. For a horror film, it's completely devoid of anything resembling suspense: the sequence in which Marsden and Holmes sneak into the psychiatric hospital to uncover the truth behind the surgical alterations, which should be the film's centerpiece of thrills and chills, plays like a particularly rip-roaring "Hardy Boys" episode. Still, it's impossible to hate any film where the forces of evil hang out at the local Yogurt Shoppe and listen to Wayne Newton. Director David Nutter honed his craft on several episodes of "The X-Files," and while that influence is present in the Pacific Northwest setting and the themes of shady conspiracy, it was more revealing to find several "21 Jump Street" episodes buried at the bottom of Nutter's resume. This explained the odd sense of nostalgia I felt while watching Marsden hanging out in the school cafeteria with his younger, plainer classmates. For a moment, I was reminded of Johnny Depp and Richard Grieco trying to pass themselves off as average high school students. The freakishly beautiful Marsden spends much of the movie getting punched in the face by the less-attractive supporting cast; while I certainly don't support this kind of behavior, I can kind of understand it. Marsden does a fine job with the available material, hitting the right note of poignancy with his performance, as much as any film about homicidal sex-crazed lobotomized teens can be considered poignant. He's got a nice way with subtle moments, such as his expression of bemused resignation upon realizing that, only a few hours into his first day at his new school, he's already fallen in with the wrong crowd. Helpful hint: Spend the extra two dollars and rent it on DVD instead of VHS. The DVD has a slew of restored scenes, including a sex scene between Marsden and Holmes. What manner of idiot would delete gratuitous skin from an 84-minute R-rated horror film? Holmes and Marsden were nice enough to take their shirts off for the greater good of the movie; the least the studio could have done was leave it in the theatrical release.
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Gossip
(2000)
A study in missed opportunities. All the right elements are in place for a searing look at soulless college debauchery, of the kind that Roger Avary's screen adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis' "Rules of Attraction" depicted to such blistering effect. "Gossip" has a fetching cast, fabulous sets, and an appealing aura of sleaze; unfortunately, the script doesn't measure up to the decadent art direction. Where the film needs to be cold, vicious, and sophisticated, it ends up seeming oddly naive and silly. Marsden is the ostensible villain of the piece, and he looks the part, with his faintly menacing charm and his sumptuously tailored all-black wardrobe, but it is the film's insurmountable flaw that we never actually see him doing anything more perfidious than drinking and smoking and lurking in alleys, when he should be engaging in proper depraved college behavior, like, say, indulging in three-ways or snorting great lines of coke off of someone's toned abdomen. He does get to beat the snot out of "Dawson's Creek" star Joshua Jackson, but it's too little, too late. Had he then snorted great lines of coke off Jackson's toned abdomen, it would have been a step in the right direction. (The DVD, by the way, features an engaging audio commentary by an effervescent Marsden and amiable director Davis Guggenheim. There are two types of DVD commentaries in the world: the ones in which filmmakers yammer on about their inspirations, and the ones where Marsden snickers at the way his chest hair looks onscreen. Having had an earful of directors during four long years of film school, I have little patience with the former, but I'm downright fond of the latter.)
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Sugar & Spice
(2001)
Many a bad movie has been made watchable through the sheer force of Marsden's personality and cheekbones. This is not one of those movies. Of all the dreck on his filmography, this is the only film that's just plain wretched. It's not funny, not clever, not good. Maybe it's harder than it seems to make a genuinely funny dark comedy about bank-robbing cheerleaders, or maybe nobody was trying very hard. For the most part, the cast is okay--Marley Shelton is cute and engaging, Mena Suvari is fine--but tone is way off: it tries to be dark but the wit isn't there, despite a pervasive, wholly unwarranted smugness. Marsden has good comic timing, but it's wasted when the material is this bad. And he's playing another teen father...
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Zoolander
(2001)
Among the endless stream of cameos in Ben Stiller's spoof of the modeling industry, Marsden makes an ephemeral appearance as Presidential assassin/male model John Wilkes Booth. Really, that pretty much tells all you need to know about the movie.
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Ally McBeal
(2002)
Brought in for the final season to replace Robert Downey, Jr. as Ally's love interest, Marsden started out strong, providing a much-needed jolt of energy at a time when the regular cast was starting to look tired and cranky. Amidst the unending deluge of Very Special Episodes, tiresome generalizations about relationships, and lethal doses of whimsy, Marsden managed to be likable and genuine in a sea of caricatures, until he vanished midway through the season, an apparent victim of executive producer David E. Kelley's iconoclastic "fire the cute, likable cast members to boost ratings" strategy. Strangely, this scheme failed to win audience support, and the show died an unceremonious death a few episodes later.
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Interstate 60
(2002)
Not at all bad, though the fact that it didn't get theatrical distribution and eventually went directly to video doesn't qualify as a crushing blow for the filmgoing public. Writer/director Bob Gale has a good premise and some innovative ideas, but the end result isn't quite worth the sum of its parts. Gale attempts to create a modern-day folk tale--Marsden plays a recent college graduate dissatisfied with his pre-set career path who takes a road trip on a highway that doesn't exist, accompanied by Gary Oldman's sinister wish-granting sprite--but judging by his bitter DVD commentary about all the crew people he either fired or wanted to fire, Gale is entirely the wrong person to be helming a movie about youthful idealism. Mixed in with the free-spirited whimsy is something a little nasty and spiteful. A scene in which a hitchhiker (Chris Cooper) threatens a homeless man is particularly distasteful: in dealing with a panhandler, you can either give a handout or not give a handout, but threatening to detonate a bomb strapped to your chest if he doesn't wash your windshield is not a viable option.
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The 24th Day
(2004)
Tony Piccorillo's terse, spare adaptation of his two-man stage play is a little jewel of a film. The script makes few concessions for the screen and the short attention spans of audiences, and yet it's shockingly effective. The plot concerns the repercussions of a one-night stand, with Marsden as an inveterate liar who has completely lost track of the truth. He's forced to face up to his past indiscretions by Scott Speedman (best known for "Felicity," except for a choice few of us who know him best as Ned Nickerson from the short-lived 1995 France/Canada television production of "Nancy Drew"). This is good, smart material to begin with--crisp dialogue with the right balance of intensity and bleak humor--but it all hinges on the two leads, and they're more than up for it. Marsden has the juicier part, though Speedman is almost up to his level. Marsden's character is a messed-up wreck, who somehow also manages to earn our complete sympathy. It's a revelatory performance by a pro: assured, complex, and mesmerizing. (The stage play had a successful run in LA in 1996 with Noah Wyle and Peter Berg in the leads. Any way you want to look at it, going from Wyle/Berg to Marsden/Speedman is what's known as trading up).
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Alan Cumming:
Despite the presence of several more conventionally attractive leading men in "X2," many filmgoers lost their hearts to Nightcrawler, the demonic-yet-cuddly German-speaking, Psalm-quoting, blue-skinned mutant played by Alan Cumming. The Scottish actor is the closest thing we have these days to a Renaissance man: he co-wrote (with Jennifer Jason Leigh), directed, and produced the feature film "The Anniversary Party," and he won a Tony for his portrayal of the Master of Ceremonies in the "Cabaret" revival on Broadway. His debut novel, "Tommy's Tale," a quasi-autobiographical look at growing up gay in the UK, was published in 2002.
It's good that he has all this to keep him respectable, because his film career is even more scattershot than Marsden's. This, after all, is a man who has appeared in "Spice World," "Josie and the Pussycats," "Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion," "Spy Kids," and "The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas." If he keeps this up, he's in danger of becoming the next Tim Curry, another talented actor who apparently never turns down work. In fact, in Rob Marshall's 1999 made-for-TV version of "Annie," Cumming assayed the role of Rooster, which was played by Curry in the 1982 theatrical version. If Cumming ever starts making noises about a "Rocky Horror Picture Show" remake, someone probably should schedule an intervention.
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GoldenEye
(1995)
Since Cumming has appeared in over thirty films in the past decade, he's ended up in a couple of decent ones, probably by accident. Like most Bond films, "GoldenEye" is a mess, but it's a delightful mess, thanks to a stellar supporting cast including a glorious triumvirate of villains comprised of the great Sean Bean as evil-yet-suave turncoat operative 006, Famke Janssen (X-Man Jean Grey) as a lethal Russian dominatrix, and Cumming as a lecherous hacker. I dare you not to root for the bad guys.
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Titus
(1999)
One of Cumming's juiciest roles, out of a vast and varied career, is the malicious emperor Saturninus in "Titus," Julie Taymor's grisly, overwrought adaptation of Shakespeare's grisly, overwrought "Titus Andronicus." Drenched in violence and gory excess, "Titus" is "Caligula" without the hard-core porn scenes. Everyone behaves badly in "Titus," and while Cumming partakes in his fair share of the debauchery, top honors for sleaze go to Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and Matthew Rhys as the skanky, evil Goth princes; when Anthony Hopkins finally butchers the rambunctious lads and serves them up to their mother in a meaty pie, no one accuses him of overreacting.
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Aaron Stanford:
Among the smattering of new mutants added into the mix in "X2," one of the more interesting was the character of flame-controlling Pyro, played by Aaron Stanford. The largely unknown Stanford struck exactly the right balance for Pyro, setting some solid groundwork for his eventual defection to the dark side. His Pyro is a little arrogant and a little quick-tempered, but Stanford is careful not to overdo it; for most of the movie, he seems perfectly happy to hang out with his square pals Bobby and Rogue--at least until a better offer comes along.
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Tadpole
(2002)
Prior to "X2," Stanford was mostly known for the independent film "Tadpole," in which he plays an intelligent, spookily sophisticated fifteen-year-old who is hopelessly in love with stepmother Sigourney Weaver, yet ends up having an affair with her forty-ish friend Bebe Neuwirth. Stanford is actually somewhere in his mid-twenties, which is really for the best; his five o'clock shadow significantly neutralizes any ick factor during the seduction scene. The darling of 2003's film festival circuit (it won the Director's Prize at Sundance), "Tadpole" is nonetheless problematic. At under eighty minutes long, it somehow manages to drag. More damaging is that Stanford's character is written as such a hyper-pretentious French-spouting Voltaire-quoting twerp that I felt a strong urge to bop him in the nose, which is probably not the desired response to a leading man. However, the film is not without merit. All the performances are solid; the late John Ritter is particularly good, and just how many times do you get the opportunity to say that? As far as Stanford goes, I like him better when he's setting bullies on fire in the food court.
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Shawn Ashmore:
Another improvement over the comic book source material came with the cinematic fleshing-out of the role of Iceman, a character who gives Cyclops serious competition as the most boring superhero in the entire Marvel Comics universe. Shawn Ashmore handled his bit part in the first movie like a pro, and was rewarded with a greatly expanded role in the sequel. Ashmore had a busy career as a child actor in Canada before getting his big break with "X-Men." One look at the slew of Disney Channel and Nickelodeon projects cluttering up Ashmore's filmography, and I immediately assumed this kid was as wholesome as Iceman.As it turns out, I was wrong.
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Animorphs
(1998)
Ashmore established himself as a rising teen star with the lead role in the Nickelodeon series "Animorphs." Based on the fanatically popular kids' books by K.A. Applegate, "Animorphs" shows that Canada is just as capable of turning out half-assed children's shows as the United States. The plot revolves around a team of kids, led by Ashmore, who are given the power to morph into animals by a fuzzy blue race of good aliens called Andalites. They use this power to do battle against a parasitical slug-like evil alien race known as Yeerks. Coincidentally, "yeerk" is also the noise my stomach started making while watching this. That said, I should point out that I could probably have watched one episode to get a feel for the show and called it a day. I watched nine. I have no explanation, other than that it kind of grew on me. Ashmore and his fellow Animorphs, all of whom tackle their roles with grim resolve, are much better than their material; I would have cast Ashmore solely for his ability to deliver lines like, "I can't carry the fate of the entire human race on my shoulders!" with a perfectly straight face. Try watching "Animorphs" back-to-back with a rerun of "Saved By the Bell" or "Boy Meets World," and the conclusion is inescapable: Canada produces a much higher caliber of young actors than we do down here.
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Cadet Kelly
(2002)
Ashmore then starred in the short-lived Disney Channel series "In a Heartbeat" then consolidated his evil alliance with Disney in the made-for-TV movie "Cadet Kelly." A showcase for cute but shrill Hilary Duff, "Cadet Kelly" is slapdash and gratingly stupid enough to make me suspect that the Disney Channel hates kids. Ashmore is uncharacteristically restrained, as if he's trying not to draw attention to himself, which was probably his wisest course of action. A similar strategy is employed by the always-great Gary Cole, who hides behind an unusually large mustache.
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Wolf Girl / Blood Moon
(2001)
After all this unrelenting wholesomeness, Ashmore must've been feeling the need to do something a little naughty. He succeeds admirably in "Wolf Girl" (released on video in the U.S. under the title "Blood Moon"), an exceedingly odd thriller that proves that the Canadian film industry is an entirely different beast than Hollywood. It stars Tim Curry and Grace Jones, and if you're not already mentally saying "Uh-oh," you don't watch enough bad movies. The plot revolves around a traveling sideshow of circus freaks somewhere in the backwoods of Canada. A group of exceptionally ill-mannered teens, led by Ashmore in full-on bad boy mode, hangs around the sideshow to antagonize the attractions. The main target of Ashmore's particular malice is the titular Wolf Girl (Victoria Sanchez), who suffers from a rare genetic condition in which her body and face are entirely covered with hair. She's secretly taking an experimental drug that has the potential to reverse her condition, but which also unleashes her deadly animalistic nature.So far, so good. When the Wolf Girl happens to spy on Ashmore coming out of the shower, she--and we--discover he's hiding a dark little secret of his own. Unaware he's being watched, Ashmore drops his towel and reveals more--and less--Ashmore than anyone really needed to see. We're treated to lingering closeups of Ashmore's nether regions and the complete lack of anything resembling normal male genitalia. I think "vestigial" is the word I'm looking for here. This initially disturbed me to the core--you have to figure a low-budget Canadian feature wouldn't have the funds to digitally erase Ashmore's boy-parts, so, without dwelling on this too much, where'd they go? I was a little concerned until a male friend explained to me that guys can do amazing things with tucking. For Ashmore's sake, I certainly hope so. In many ways, Ashmore is, er, riveting in this, and he shows a great aptitude for playing evil. He's got slightly outsized canine teeth, which are a nice contrast to his angelic face; when he smiles, he looks like he's getting ready to rip someone's throat out. It comes as a bit of a surprise, then, when he ends up getting his own throat ripped open by the Wolf Girl. His friends find his mutilated corpse and mock his lack of genitalia; on the list of all-time least-dignified screen deaths, this ranks pretty high. If this is the kind of stuff Ashmore's doing in his early twenties, I have high hopes for a long and fascinating career.
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