A man walks into his doctor's office one day. He has a carrot coming out of his nose, celery sticking out of his ears. He says, "Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with me?!!" The doctor says, "The answer is obvious...You're not eating right!!!"
A man walks into a bar one day and has a few drinks. He notices a large jar of money sitting on the window sill, so he pulls the waitress over and asks her about it. She informs him that it is all part of a contest. He wants more info, so she explains that there are 3 parts...There is a huge bodybuilder over in the corner and you have to beat the crap out of him. Then, there is a crocodile out back in the swamp with a loose tooth. One must successfully pull the tooth. And finally, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs that must be "satisfied". The guy drinks a few more, gets out of his chair, and beats the crap out of the bodybuilder. He then walks out the backdoor toward the swamp. He is gone for about 3 hours and everyone thinks that is the end of him. Suddenly, he comes stumbling inside, bloody from head to toe....he mumbles, "Where'd ya say the old lady with the loose tooth was??"
A man and woman were getting comfy of the couch one night and started messing around. The pulled off his socks and there were blotches on his feet. The asked what was wrong and he said, "Tolio...it's a form of polio, only I got it on my toes." Satisfied with that answer, she continues by taking his jeans off. She sees more blotches on his knees. "What is that?" She asks. "Ohh...that's kneasles...a form of measles, only I have it on my knees." She is again satisfied with that answer and continues by taking his boxers off. "Ohh, let me guess!!!" She exclaims, "Smallcocks?!!!"
One day after a big snowstorm, Bill Clinton walks outside and sees, "Bill Clinton is a f*****g moron written in snow on the White House's front lawn. He is appalled and orders his top advisers to find out who did it. The take a sample of the snow and return a few hours later. They tell Bill they have bad news and worse news. He asks for the bad news first. They tell him it was written in urine and the sample traced back to Al Gore. Clinton asks what could be worse that that, and they tell him it was Hillary's handwriting!!!!
There were these little people that lived on the side of a big hill. They were called Trids. Well, these Trids were adenturous people and always wanted to see what was on the other side of the hill....there was only one problem. There was a giant that lived at the top and everytime they would try to cross over, he would kick them back down to their side. The Trids decided to try to take some action, so they visited the local Rabbi to see if there was some way for them to resolve their differences. The Rabbi decided he would talk to the giant, so he walked to the top and asked why Giant why he was so mean to the little Trids. The Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!!!!"
I have tons more, so check back often for updates!!!