Chapter 44
May 10, 2007
Sound checks were underway at the auditorium, and Kevin was not paying attention.
"Stop! Take it again." Everyone groaned. "Kevin!" the voice boomed over the PA system. "You have to sing into the mike for me to be able to get a level!" There was a short pause. 'Unless you really want dead air on your side of the stage."
"Okay-okay. Sorry."
Twenty minutes later they were heading back to their dressing rooms. Brian caught up with Kevin just outside his door. "Hey, Cuz," he grinned. "A little preoccupied today?"
"Yeah," Kevin smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry."
"You already apologized-out there," Brian chuckled. "What's up?"
"I've got a lot of things to organize in the next couple of weeks. A lot of loose ends to pull together," Kevin muttered.
"Anything I can help with?" Brian asked.
"Not really, Rok," Kevin smiled. "But thanks anyway. I think what I really need is a secretary."
"So hire one." Brian paused. "What's on the agenda for today?"
"I've got flight schedules to work out. Either that or I beg Michael for the jet." He grinned. "That might be the simplest answer anyway. Then I don't have to worry about them being by themselves on a big plane."
"Who?" Brian asked, mystified.
"Jemma and Aaron."
Brian's face broke into a big smile. "You're bringing them out to see you? That's great! When are they coming?"
"At the end of the month." Kevin sighed but he was still smiling. "I didn't realize how much planning there was to do."
"Yeah," Brian grinned. "It can be a pain in the butt, but having them around is worth it. I love it when Leighanne can get away long enough to bring Hal and Ashley out. I miss them." He paused. "It's got to be easier with someone like Rachel though-at least she's not juggling another job."
"Rachel's not coming," Kevin said quietly after a pause.
"Finally giving her sometime off, huh?" Brian chuckled. "She deserves it, that's for sure. How long are they staying with you?"
"No, Bri. You don't understand." Kevin looked down at the floor. "I want to have the kids with me. But I also don't have a choice right now. Rachel's leaving at the end of the month. She's got the kids till then. I'm keeping them with me until we can find a new housekeeper-probably through the end of June."
"Rachel's leaving? Why? I thought-you two-." Brian stared at Kevin. "What the hell is going on? Was this her decision?"
"As a matter of fact-it was," Kevin snapped. "But I happened to agree with it. It's time for everyone to move on."
"It's time for everyone to 'move on'??" Brian looked up and down the hallway and then opened the door to Kevin's dressing room and pushed him inside. Once the door was closed behind them he turned to Kevin, disbelief written across his face. "All right-you and Rachel aside-and I don't understand what's going on there-just how do you think Jemma and Aaron are going to 'move on' from the only mother either one of them can remember?!? What are you trying to do to them?"
"We'll have a more settled situation after the end of June," Kevin insisted. "I'm going to make sure that whoever we hire is going to be there for the long term. It'll be okay. Kids are resilient. They bounce." His head dropped and his eyes closed. Oh, Rachel! This is going to be so hard!
"They bounce???" Brian exclaimed. "Jesus Christ, Kevin! What are you on? Your kids aren't fucking rubber balls to be tossed around from one person to another until they're old enough to fend for themselves!"
Kevin's head had snapped up at his cousin's profanity-the level of Brian's anger finally getting through to him. "Bri-it's going to be okay," he said soothingly. "Rachel's got the next couple of weeks to help them adjust to her leaving, and then they'll be with me for at least a month. I think between the two of us, we can reassure them that they're going to be okay."
"Do you hear yourself?" Brian asked. "She has the kids until the end of the month, then I've got them through the end of June. You're talking like you're divorced and you've never been married to her! What is wrong with this picture?"
"It's not the way I wanted it, Bri!" Kevin shouted. "But I can't very well go back right now to straighten it out, now can I? Unless you'd like to cancel some of the tour dates."
"If it's not the way you wanted it, Kev-what have you done to fix it?" Brian asked more calmly. "Have you talked to Rachel?"
"No."
At the stubborn silence, Brian raised an eyebrow. "Kev-what's going on here? Before we left Lexington in January, you two looked like you had the beginnings of something solid and long lasting. We weren't back in Orlando more than a week and you were out partying." Kevin shot him a glare but said nothing. "I didn't say anything then, Kev, but I wondered how you were going to justify that with Rachel-hell-even with yourself. Did she find out? Is that what this is all about?"
Kevin sat down heavily at the dressing table. "She didn't find out. She told me to do it," he said softly. "She wanted me to be sure that I wasn't just taking the easy way out-thinking I was in love with her just because she was there. It made sense at the time."
"Okay-I guess," Brian said cautiously. "But what about now?"
"I don't know, Bri." Kevin looked down at his hands and twisted his thumb ring. "I don't know what's going on with me." He looked up briefly at his cousin. "When I got home in March, I thought I was sure. We made love for the first time the night of Aaron's birthday."
Brian's eyebrows went up. "March?!" he asked incredulously. "What about New Year's Eve?"
Kevin couldn't look at Brian. "I tried-but-I-I couldn't…" he whispered.
Brian wasn't sure that he wanted to hear more, but he knew that Kevin needed to talk. "Too much to drink…?" he asked tentatively.
"That's what I passed it off as, but that's not what it was," Kevin said quietly. He looked up at his cousin. "I wanted her that night-so much. And she wanted me. And all the time that I was kissing her and touching her, everything felt so right. And then-I just got this overwhelming feeling that if I actually…" he looked away again and his voice dropped even lower. "That she'd-leave me." It was absolutely silent in the room. "That she'd die," he whispered.
"Oh G-d, Kev," Brian breathed. "Do you think she knew? Is that why she told you to see other women?"
"I don't know, Rok." He hesitated. "I don't think her feelings really changed, but I was gone so soon after that-who knows?"
"Well, what about March? Aaron's birthday?" Brian prompted.
"It was just-different. I told her I was through trying to find someone else-I was sure that I wanted her. I loved her and I wanted us to be together. And everything-everything was so good." He got up and paced the length of the room and back again. "And then I found Kristin's letters and her journal after the memorial service and I just came apart. Rachel pushed and pushed, and I finally realized that I'd been blaming myself all along and taking it out on everybody else. I felt like such a fool. When I woke up the next morning-I just couldn't face her. She loved me. She was there for me, and I'd put her through hell along with everybody else. She didn't deserve that. Brian-you don't know the half of what she put up with from me. I just needed to get away from all the reminders of how stupid and callous I'd been. It hurt like hell, and I didn't want to be around her…" He was pacing again. "So I told her that I thought it would be better if she didn't call me on the road…" Brian watched as a look of comprehension crept over Kevin's face. "That I wanted to put the past behind me…" He stopped pacing and started at Brian.
"Oh G-d! Jerry was right!" At Brian's look of confusion, Kevin almost laughed. "He called me a few days ago. He told me I was doing the same thing to Rachel that I had done to the kids. He was right!" He pulled Brian into a bear hug. "Thank you, Rok," he grinned. "Thank you!"
"Okay, Kev, okay. I love you too." Brian disentangled himself from Kevin. "Would you mind telling me what the hell I did?"
"Just what you always do, Bri," Kevin said with a smile. "Let me talk."
Chapter 45
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