Chapter 27
December 25, 2006 - (later)
"You didn't have to come all the way over here to get me, Kevin."
"Yes, I did." Kevin maneuvered the car out onto the street and headed back across the city. "Aaron was crushed when he heard that you weren't coming back for the party. And I didn't want to take a chance that something might happen to you getting back." His voice was clipped and a little harsh in the semi-darkness of the car. "So-yes, I did have to come over here."
Rachel suddenly felt as though her mother was right. She had behaved irresponsibly. She had promised Aaron. But she had been so wrapped up in trying to figure out what to do about her feelings for Kevin, that she had forgotten. "Is that why-because Aaron was upset?" she asked quietly. Silence. She waited for Kevin to answer her.
"Not entirely." His tone of voice had changed. "I wanted you there too. I told you that the night of Jemma's play. I guess you didn't believe me. But I meant it," he said softly.
He ran the fingers of one hand nervously through his hair.
"Rachel-I-I'm not sure how to say this. Or even what I want to say-." He glanced over at her. She was looking down at her hands in her lap.
"I know I still have things to work out-about Kristy-but there are other things that-"
"Kevin-don't." Rachel stopped him. "I think I know where this is going. And you have to understand that what you're feeling is probably transference for the most part. I've been there to help you through a big crisis in your life, and you're mistaking gratitude for my help for something else-and-"
Kevin's hand slammed down on the steering wheel. Hard. "Stop it, Rachel! You're hiding behind your college education, and maybe what you're saying is what happens in textbooks, but it's not what's happening here! I feel something for you, and it's not gratitude! And I know you feel something for me. I know you do! Stop analyzing everything." He chuckled suddenly. "But I guess I don't really have to tell you that-do I? Because you don't analyze everything-you didn't the day you decorated the den. And you didn't last night when we were finished setting up for this morning. At least you didn't analyze beforehand. And that's how I know that you feel something for me."
She was quiet for so long that Kevin thought she wasn't going to speak to him again. But finally, "Yes, Kevin," she whispered. "I do have feelings for you. I'm not sure what they are just yet, but they're there. My problem" He reached over and took her hand in his. "My problem is," she continued quietly. "That I don't know what your feelings are-and I don't think that you do either." She came to a decision. "Stop the car, please Kevin."
He pulled off, into the first parking lot he could find, shifted into neutral and set the parking brake. He turned to look at her. In the glow from the dashboard lights, he could see a hint of tears in her eyes.
"Kevin, this is not the time or the place I would have chosen for this conversation, but it'll have to do. I don't want this hanging over our heads when we get back to the house." She looked up at him. "You've been stuck in your grief process over Kristin, and over your mother, for a very long time. In all that time, Kevin, you haven't looked for a relationship with anyone else. I'm sure that you haven't been celibate, but there hasn't been room in your mind or your heart for anyone else. You've only just started to let your children in."
"I know, Rachel," he broke in. "But now I think there is room for someone-and I want it to be you."
Rachel smiled at him. "I know you think that. But couldn't it just be that I'm convenient? I'm right there. You don't have to think about it or try very hard. It's just like magic-instant family again." She took a deep breath. "And Kevin, if I'm going to give you-myself-my heart-I have to know that you're sure. That once the healing is done, and you can look back at Kristin and at your mother with love-that I'll still come first. I've seen it happen too many times-what looks right while you're grieving, just doesn't measure up once you're whole again. And then you'll be looking elsewhere-and I couldn't handle that."
"What do you want me to do?" he said brokenly.
"Give yourself some time, Kevin. First things first. Get past those nightmares." He looked up at her sharply. "Yes, I know that you still have them," Rachel smiled. "Get past all the negative feelings. Find a way to forgive her and yourself. And then, if you still feel the same-then we can try."
"And in the meantime? Rachel, I can't go back to 'Mr. Richardson/Miss Daniels'. Not tonight-not this week. Can't we just 'try it on for size'? I promise not to look too far ahead-but I really want to be with you right now. Can't we dream for just a few days?"
Rachel looked at him intently. Her eyes were probing deep into his, looking for an answer-a sign that she could rely on. He's not listening to you-he doesn't know-you weren't clear enough, her mind said. Live it while you can, her heart cried. You know you're going to regret this Rachel, her mind told her. Maybe we can beat the odds, her heart soothed. You know better, her mind lectured. "Okay," she whispered softly. "But don't ask me to give something I'm not prepared to give, Kevin. If it's not there it's because I have to protect myself-just in case."
"I understand-and I won't push-I promise," he whispered back. He leaned over and kissed her gently before putting the car in gear again and continuing on to the house.
She closed her eyes as she came to terms with her decision. Well, you're in it now, Rachel. Right up to your neck. You said you'd never get this involved. You promised yourself you wouldn't lead with your heart. You'd better make sure that it's worth it-his recovery -- and your broken heart.
Chapter 28
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