* Chapter 9 *

Kevin finished up his work - and his thinking - at the studio in the early afternoon and opted to go to the hospital rather than return home. He knew that he would have to face Mariah at some point but he preferred later rather than sooner. He just hoped that she would be there when he was ready. He wasn’t certain he could explain himself, to make things right again.

Kevin, a time-worn copy of the book Corduroy tucked under his arm, felt a chill as he walked through the sliding doors into Orlando General Hospital. Dismissing the feeling as a reaction to the air conditioning, he continued down the corridors. A left in the atrium. A right at cardiology. He had been here so often he was steering on automatic pilot.

As he approached the nurses station in the pediatric wing, the chill returned, this time as more of a sense of forboding like something out of an Edgar Allen Poe short story. He was unsuccessful in shaking the feeling now. Something was wrong. Strolling by the front desk, he saw Rachel there looking over some patient records.

“Hi, Rach.”

The young ebony-haired woman raised her head and Kevin immediately saw the fear and sadness in her brown eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Rachel knew why Kevin was there. “Kevin, J-Joey...”

Kevin understood. He’d seen that look too many times in his 28 years to not recognize it. In an instant, he was transported back nine years to the fateful day when his father succumbed to cancer. Still his heart denied his mind the opportunity to process the information.

He strode down the hallway to Room 315 and opened the door. The room was much the same and still seemed inhabited. The Backstreet Boys poster, now complete with five signatures, decorated the wall in front of the bed. Several books lay on the bedside table. Kevin lay his book on the bed and picked up the University of Kentucky hat from the pillow. He willed the tears not to fall as he whispered a short prayer.

Kevin then walked away and left the hospital without uttering a word.

* ~ * ~ *

It was late in the evening when Kevin turned his Toyota 4Runner into this driveway. He had spent hours driving before stopping at the beach in Tampa, where he sat in the sand and allowed his own thought to overtake him. Even now, sitting in his parked SUV, he took a few deep cleansing breaths. Mariah’s car was there and he knew she was inside the house.

Now or never.

Mariah heard the front door shut. Kevin was home. She had been relaxing on the backyard deck since arriving from the hospital a couple of hours before. Rachel had told her that Kevin had been by an hour before she had and judging from his reaction to the news, he hadn’t handle Joey’s death well.

Knowing that some of Kevin’s long-harbored emotions had been resurrected, Mariah was wrought with worry. Her thoughts of leaving him disregarded. She loved him and needed him too much to do anything so rash.

She heard the sliding glass door open onto the deck and Kevin’s footsteps on the wood grow louder as he ventured closer to her. He knelt before her. Green eyes locked with hazel ones, both pairs shining with love, sadness and unshed tears. Not a word was spoken as their bodies came together in an embrace.

The silence was broken an eternity later. “I’m so sorry, Riah. Sorry for everything,” Kevin’s deep voice choked repeatedly. “Sorry. So sorry.”

Mariah cradled his head against her breast rocking them both gently. “Shh, it’s forgiven, Kevin. It’s okay, baby.”

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Later that night, after ordering Thai food, Mariah and Kevin sat face-to-face on the couch in his den. The conversation thus far had been small talk. Mariah needed answers in order to forgive him fully. “We can’t avoid this much longer…what happened to us, Kev? Things were so great then they were so wrong,” she lamented.

Kevin avoided her eyes for a moment while he collected his thoughts. “Riah, your confession that night forced me to think about myself. I didn’t know that I was capable of having such strong feelings for you without acting upon them. I love you so much that it’s embedded in my soul. Everytime I’d see you, I wanted to show you that love.”

He took her hand caressing it with his thumb. “Every touch makes me want more. I was so afraid of hurting you by pushing too hard. The best I could do was try to avoid any type of intimacy at any level.”

“Do you realize what that did? My God, I though you didn’t love me anymore.”

“That is so far from the truth, sweetie. It’s because I love you that I did it. I didn’t want to hurt you,” he repeated.

“But it did hurt…more than you’ll ever know,” Mariah replied. The tears stinging her eyes less painful than pain of misunderstanding in her heart. “It hurt so much that I forced myself into avoiding the man I love at all costs. I didn’t want to get too close. The fear of being hurt by you was so strong.”

“Ri, I never wanted to hurt you. I had the best of intentions.” He shook his head in disbelief. “Instead, I pushed you away.”

“But I did, too. I should have realized something was wrong.” Mariah started into his green eyes. “I’ve never been in such an intense relationship before. It scares me to think how much I love you, Kev. It scared me so much…I wasn’t sure I could hold onto you. That you would eventually hurt me so I prepared myself by pushing you away. You’re apathy gave me the excuse.”

Kevin encircled her in his muscular arms. “To think that I almost lost you because of my own damn stupidity,” he whispered softly.

“We’ve got to make a promise, Kev, a promise to communicate. No more misunderstandings. Life’s too short. I think Joey taught us that lesson.”

“Our guardian angel.”

Chapter 10
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