WICKED GAME
By Mare
Chapter 3
Disclaimers in Chapter 1; Rated NC-17
As hard as she tried to avoid going home, Scully could delay it no longer. After shed finished in the lab, shed accomplished a lot of other work during the day in an effort to keep her thoughts as far as possible from the events of the previous night. She had been successful -- too successful, in fact. Her focused efficiency during the day had made short work of the stack of paperwork on her desk, leaving her with nothing more to do. Mulders remarks about the source of her new-found energy continued to get on her nerves. She could take a joke as well as the next person, but he was carrying it too far. Shed thought he was sensitive enough to know when enough was enough, but apparently shed thought wrong. Not only was it embarrassing and annoying; it also made her more and more sure that she couldnt tell him what had happened. Once she reached the point where she either had to leave or hit him, she realized she had no choice but to go home.
With each block she drove, she sent up a silent prayer that Krycek would be gone when she got home. She even managed to half convince herself that what she thought had happened had really been a nightmare.
Nightmare, Dana? that little rebellious part of her mind piped up. Or is dream a better word?
"No," Scully said firmly, hardly aware that she was speaking aloud. "Even if it was real, it was a nightmare."
Really? When was the last time a man made love to you like that?
"He didnt make love to me. He raped me."
Then why didnt you tell Mulder? He wouldve sympathized; wouldve even stopped making those crude remarks. Could it be, maybe... you enjoyed it?
"NO!" Scully pounded her fist on the steering wheel. "I did not enjoy it." Even as she said the words, utterly delicious sensations from the previous night came back to her, and a completely unwelcome warmth spread through her lower body. "He just knew what buttons to push. Like he said, its just as easy as making someone scream."
Oh, come on. Three orgasms, just from knowing what buttons to push? Not likely. Admit it, you loved how it felt when he touched you. Feeling him inside you drove you wild.
"NO!"
Face it, if it were any other man, youd be half in love with him already.
"I dont base my relationships on sex. I would never fall in love with somebody just because hes great in bed."
And he was great, wasnt he? Best you ever had.
"So what?" She became aware that the driver of the car in the lane next to her was looking at her funny, and she glared at him until he sped up and passed her. "It was just sex," she said firmly. "Meaningless sex."
The State of Denial must be a nice place to live, Dana.
"Denial? Im not in denial. It meant nothing. I didnt tell Mulder because... well, Krycek would find some way to twist it around so... it looked like something it wasnt."
Youre afraid, arent you?
"Of him? Absolutely not!"
Youre afraid of yourself. Youre afraid it felt too good and you liked it too much; afraid you wont be able to hold out. Afraid youll go crawling to him one night begging him to do that again, and afraid of how youll feel when he pays you off with information.
"Im not afraid," Scully whispered fiercely as she pulled up in front of her building. "Not afraid." But as she turned the key to kill the engine, she realized that her hands were trembling.
Taking a moment to compose herself, she looked up to the windows of her apartment. There were lights on, meaning that Krycek was still there. A shiver of fear ran through her, and she had to stop and calm herself down again. Nothing will happen, she reminded herself. Ill be fine if he sticks to the terms of the deal. He wont touch me unless I initiate it.
"Right," she said aloud. "The last time I took Alex Krycek at his word, Mulder almost got his arm chopped off." She took a deep breath and entered the building.
********************
Visions of how she might find her unwelcome houseguest tumbled through her mind, distracting her so thoroughly that she dropped her keys four times before finally fitting the correct key in the lock. She spun her mental roulette wheel, trying to decide which image would be the right one. Would he be in the kitchen cooking? Already waiting for her in the bedroom? Lounging naked on the sofa? She wiped that vision from her mind quickly, unwilling to deal with the reaction her body had to it, and pushed the door open.
Whatever picture her mind had settled on, it hadnt prepared her for the utterly innocuous scene she saw before her. Krycek was stretched out on the sofa -- fully clothed -- reading the newspaper. There was a laptop computer (not hers) sitting closed on the coffee table, next to a newly-straightened pile of magazines she had been meaning to read. In fact, the whole room seemed to have been straightened up a bit. Not that it had been messy before; it just looked more organized somehow. Scully shook her head a bit in disbelief. Alex Krycek -- domestic?
He had looked up briefly when she came in, and now turned his attention back to the newspaper with an amused half-smile. "Hi," he said, more to the paper than to her. "Thought you might be late tonight."
Scully closed the door and kicked off her shoes, still processing the scene in her living room. Two nights in a row now, Krycek had gotten the drop on her. As soon as she thought she had him figured out, he went and did exactly the opposite of what she expected. What other surprises did he have in store for her? "Oh, you did," she said, trying to regain some measure of control. "And just what made you think Id be late?"
"Mustve been the way you left here this morning." He closed the paper and watched her as she moved about the room. "You as much as told me that if I was here, you wouldnt be." He caught her gaze and held it. "Dana, youre trying to avoid me."
She felt herself being drawn in, hypnotized by those luminous green eyes. Yes, I want you, right now, right here, was on the tip of her tongue, but she managed to squelch the impulse to say the words. Instead she closed her eyes for a long moment, breaking the hypnotic spell. "And why would I avoid my own home just because youre here?" she asked. "We have a deal. If you stick to it, I have nothing to be afraid of, right?"
"Its not me you dont trust, is it? You dont trust yourself."
The impulse to smack that grin off his face was almost overpowering. Hed probably enjoy it, she thought. But the words were disturbingly familiar, words that had come from her own mind. Better to just not deal with that for the time being. "Oh, please," she scoffed. "How do you get through doors with an ego that size?"
He laughed. "So the bullpen was wrong -- you do have a sense of humor!"
Scully leaned against the entrance to the kitchen and chewed her lower lip. "Care to hear some of the things they said about you?"
"Heard em." Krycek sat up and stretched, a move of such surprisingly sinuous grace that Scully couldnt take her eyes off him. She continued to watch as he stood and moved into the kitchen to check the pots on the stove. He moved like a cat, with an ease shed never noticed before. Then again, shed never seen him in this sort of environment, relaxed, confident and in control. The effect was very unsettling. "Seriously, Dana," he continued, his tone light, "lots of women would kill to be in your position right now. Believe it or not, Id be considered a great catch."
"Sure, by the local law enforcement." She couldnt watch him anymore; the whole effect was too disturbing. She mentally cursed herself for finding it disturbing at all.
He shook his head sadly at her. "Dana, didnt your mother teach you that if you cant say something nice --"
"Okay, Ill bite," Scully sighed. "Why are you such a great catch?"
"Look around you. I cook, I pick up the place...youve already experienced my, um... after-hours skills... I even took the wet spot..."
Please dont go there... not yet, she silently begged. "How considerate."
"I even did the laundry that was in the hamper."
He apparently didnt want to nitpick last night either, at least not yet, or he wouldnt have moved on so quickly. "Great. I suppose my whites are now black and my delicates are ripped to shreds?"
"Hey, I took Laundry Sorting 101," he said defensively.
"Fine," she sighed. "If you do windows and can give a bathroom a half-decent scrub, I just might hire you."
He looked up at her, studying her, his expression unreadable. "They were so wrong about you," he mused. "Thats good. I like a spirited woman."
"Im so glad." Finally managing to beat back vivid memories of the previous night, Scully watched him move around the kitchen, setting the table for two. "You didnt eat yet?"
"Couldnt let you eat alone, could I?" He flashed her that killer grin, then turned back to the stove. "Its almost ready. Are you?"
Ready for what? You? Very definitely not... "Ill be right back," she said slowly, "and I swear, if I see wine on that table when I get back, youre dead."
Krycek laughed softly. "Dana, would I do that to you?"
"Yes. You already have."
He raised an amused eyebrow at her. "Trust me?"
"Not on your life."
He laughed again. "Just go, will you?"
She surprised herself by going. She could afford to trust him to some extent on this point; it was a relatively simple one. She would, however, stand her ground on more important stuff. She knew better now.
Scully returned after quickly changing her clothes to find the room exactly as shed left it. No soft lighting, no candles, no light music... and more important, no wine. A bottle of mineral water stood by one of the glasses on the table; a beer by the other. She slipped without a word into the chair by the mineral water place setting, noticing as she sat the lemon wedge on a small plate next to the bottle. This whole experience was a nightmare, but one thing about it was rather appealing. It was nice to be cooked for and waited on for a change, even if it was by a wanted felon. After all, her doctors had told her to start eating better, and Krycek was, to her amazement, a good cook. Thoughtful in his choices, too -- if Mulder had been serving this dinner, there would be no lemon for her water. In fact, there would probably be a beer by her plate, too. And the food would more than likely be Chinese takeout.
Scully dug into her meal (chicken cutlet something or other -- she suspected it was a recipe unique to her new cook), perfectly willing to dine in silence. At least she thought she was willing, but she soon realized that the silence was filled with unspoken questions she didnt want to answer. She figured she might as well get the conversational ball rolling, if for no other reason than to head off any discussion of the previous night. "So," she asked, almost afraid of the answer, "what did you do all day?"
"Nothing much," came the answer. "Cleaned up last nights dinner -- forgot to do that, didnt we?" His playful leer brought no response (only through sheer force of will on her part), so he continued. "Picked up the place... did the laundry... like I said, not much."
She offered a tight smile. "How very domestic."
"Yeah, well, I got tired of living like a sewer rat. Domestic is a nice change." He paused, almost daring her to respond to the sewer rat comment, but she declined. "Oh, by the way, I thought that since Ill be living here, I should unpack. I moved some stuff around in the closet and dresser. If you cant find something, just ask."
Scully blinked at him. "You moved my things?" The thought of him touching her intimate possessions made her feel... weird.
"I cant very well live out of a duffel bag for the rest of my life, can I? Where else was I going to put my stuff?"
Rest of your life? Thats how long you plan to be here? Not willing to discuss that point for the time being, she bent to her food again, now determined to dine in silence, no matter the cost.
Krycek allowed her to for a good while, through most of the meal, before asking in a casual, conversational tone, "So, hows old Spooky these days?"
She looked up at him, trying and failing to read his expression. "Since when do you care?" What was he getting at?
"Today I happen to, okay?" No response from her, so he continued. "When I didnt have cops and former colleagues beating in the door during the day, I figured you didnt tell Mulder about last night." Another pause, during which Scully, knowing and dreading what was coming, concentrated mightily on her plate. "Why?"
Even though she knew it was coming, the question still hit Scully like a ton of bricks. Did he have to bring it up so soon? She gulped from her glass, then made the mistake of meeting his gaze. Those green eyes were very intense now, rendering her utterly incapable of speech. She dropped her eyes to her plate again. "I... I..."
"Why?" he repeated, his voice soft yet unmistakably commanding. "If you really believed it was what you called it, why didnt you tell him? He mightve even believed you."
She could almost feel that intense gaze boring into her skull. Not now, she silently begged. Dont do this to me; not now.
"Why, Dana?" he asked again, his voice still soft. "Why didnt you tell him?"
"Because..." The truth was, she didnt really know why she hadnt told Mulder anyway, despite his teasing. Of course she couldnt now, not after a whole day, but why hadnt she as soon as she got to the office? Because she didnt think hed believe her? Because Krycek could refute any claim she made? Because last night was... Because... "Because I just want this whole nightmare over with," she heard herself say. "I want it finished as soon as possible, and this... deal... of yours seems to be my only choice. If you stick to it." She could feel her face redden as she said the words.
She felt the intensity of his gaze drop dramatically, and he chucked softly. "Does that mean I have something to look forward to later?"
"No, I..." She took a sip of her water to calm herself, trying to will her face not to turn as red as her hair. Damn him for being amused by all this! "Im not ready for that. Not yet."
"You were ready enough last night..."
"I wasnt given a choice last night, was I?"
"Sure you were," he countered. "And I didnt hear the word no pass your lips once. Which is why I sort of thought you might want to get this deal started as soon as possible..."
"I thought you said the when was my call."
He shrugged. "It is," he said mildly. "But if youre even thinking about it... last night wasnt really so awful, was it?"
Again memories of the previous night washed over her, and it took every ounce of self-control she had not to give in. "Why are you doing this to me?" she asked quietly, not meeting his eyes. "Do you have any idea how hard this is for me? Do you even care? You couldve asked me to climb Mount Everest without ropes and it wouldnt be this hard." She paused, took a breath, and sipped from her glass again. "The only way you couldve made this deal any harder would be by asking me to... to sleep with that black-lunged bastard youre in league with." Her voice had dropped almost to a whisper by the time she finished, and she was almost surprised to find that she was trembling.
"See, Dana, it could be worse," he pointed out, an evil grin appearing on his face. "I couldve asked you to sleep with other people, and I didnt. Console yourself with that if you like. Its only me."
"That," she spat, "is the problem."
Krycek considered this for a moment. "Sex with me is really that revolting?" he finally asked.
Scully fought to keep herself from crying. How could the sick bastard be so glib about this? The most revolting part of this, for the moment, was that her mouth just couldnt seem to form the emphatic "yes" she desperately wanted to say. "Asking for it is revolting. And degrading. This whole deal is... hard. So damn hard."
"I know its hard," he broke in softly, and she looked up to see a flash of something -- might that be regret? -- cross his eyes. "I cant help it."
"You cant help it?" she hissed. "You --"
"I cant help it," he repeated quietly.
Her eyes met his again, and she felt all the anger drain from her body. "What do you get out of this, anyway?"
"Besides the obvious? Sorry, thats classified."
"Classified." He nodded. "Dammit, tell me!"
He sighed. "Dana, in my experience, this statement is generally full of shit, but in this case its very true: what you dont know cant hurt you."
Scully sat back and processed what shed just heard. Was there something more going on here? More than just his own sick, sadistic game? What was he keeping from her?
"By the way," he said, interrupting her thoughts, "that should be used to be in league with."
She blinked. "What?"
"You assume Im connected to that black-lunged bastard. Our agendas... ah... arent quite the same anymore."
That was news. "Since when?"
Krycek drained his beer. "He tried to kill me twice," he said evenly. "Quite a philosophical difference, wouldnt you say?"
Okay, maybe that had something to do with what was going on. But... "So why this deal, with these terms? Why does it have to involve me?" Her voice dropped as an uncharacteristic wave of self-pity came over her. "What did I ever do to deserve this?"
"Its not a question of deserving it," Krycek told her. "The stakes are high here, Dana. I know you dont believe that, but its true; much higher than you think they are. And trust me, youll thank me when this is all over."
"What are the stakes?" she demanded.
"Classified."
"How am I supposed to know when this is over if I dont know what Im working toward?"
"Youll know. Believe me, when the time comes, youll know."
Scully mentally berated herself for falling into this trap. Once again, shed placed herself in this mans hands, trusting him to lead her to some unknown, but apparently important, goal. Shed sworn never again after the last time...
But last time you didnt have sex with him, that little part of her mind piped up. That is whats keeping you in this deal, isnt it?
She banished that thought from her mind. It was absolutely impossible for one night to affect her life so profoundly, to the point where she would actually agree to something like this. Wasnt it? There had to be some way out of this...
"Krycek," she began softly, then corrected herself. "Alex... is there any way... any way at all that we could... renegotiate?"
He raised an inquisitive eyebrow at her. "Renegotiate?"
"Yes." Scully took a deep breath, then continued tentatively, "If I could arrange for a pardon..."
He shook his head slowly. "You dont get it, do you, Dana?"
"But youd be free," she protested.
"Dana, even with a pardon," he said, as if explaining to a small child, "Im not free."
"Youre telling me that your own personal freedom... the ability to walk down the street in broad daylight without getting carted off to jail, is actually less important to you than sleeping with me?" She knew she was grasping at straws, but she couldnt help it. She was getting desperate.
"Youre not hearing me, are you?" He sighed, apparently as frustrated with this question as she was. "I dont care if you get a pardon from the President himself and have him sign it right here in front of me. It doesnt matter. Will that stop anybody from putting a bullet in my head? Get me a pardon from that and maybe well talk. Anything less means nothing. Im not free."
"I see." She sat back, trying not to let her despair show on her face. "Youre not free, so Im not free."
"You really dont get it, do you?" Krycek got up and paced around the kitchen. His voice changed; she thought he sounded almost angry now. Not quite, not yet, but the anger was there, just beneath the surface. "Youre as free as you want to be. You tell me right now you want to bag the deal and Im outta here. Youre free as a bird; you can pretend the last two days never happened if you want. If you can. No strings. But if you say yes, youre in this deal one hundred percent, and youre in it to the end. You have time if you need it, but rest assured, time is not unlimited. Something will be expected of you. And if you say yes and then string me along? Im outta here then, too... and you wont like what happens after I leave."
He came to rest by the chair from which hed arisen, leaning forward across the table, eyes fixed intently on her. "You just have to decide how badly you want what Im offering." He reached out and, before she could move, gently caressed her cheek. His touch might just as well have been a slap. The gesture and the gleam in his eyes sent a clear message: Never forget Im dangerous. Never forget Im in control. "I know you want it," he whispered. "You just tell me how much."
Scully could only sit and stare at him. Yes, she wanted the information he offered; Mulder needed it. But did she really want...
You know you do, that little voice told her. Sure, it all sounds sleazy. Sure, he could hurt you any time he wants to. But it all comes down to one thing, doesnt it? You do want him, and you wont be able to let him just walk out that door.
Krycek sat down again, leaning back and crossing his arms. "So, are you still willing to stand by that yes you gave me last night?"
He was giving her another chance to back out. But... would he really let her just walk away from this, with no repercussions? Probably not, she admitted. She couldnt forget who she was dealing with here -- hed sold out his own government; who was she to expect any better treatment? Of course, she could still end the whole thing by telling Mulder...
Another completely unexpected flash of memory from the previous night sprang to her mind. She could almost feel again the incredible things he did to her with his hands... his tongue... "Yes," she whispered, so softly she could barely hear it herself.
"What was that?" Krycek asked. "Didnt quite hear you."
"Yes," she repeated, louder, unable to look at him. "Yes, we have a deal."
"Good." He drew her mostly-clean plate across the table. "You werent planning on finishing this cutlet, were you?"
She looked up, taken aback yet again. She had just agreed to be his sex slave, and what did he want to do? Eat. "Im tired, and I have a headache," she said, rising from her seat. "If its okay with you, Im just going to go to bed now."
He looked up from the plate, startled. "You okay?"
"Im fine; Im just tired." The headache is your fault, she mentally added.
"I take it that wasnt an invitation, then."
She sighed as she moved toward the hall. "No, it wasnt. Believe me, youll know it when you get an invitation."
Krycek waited until she was almost in the bedroom before calling out to her. "You know, Dana, someday this is going to be a more equal partnership."
A chill ran down Scullys spine as she returned to the entrance to the dining nook. "I beg your pardon?"
"It is," he insisted, clearing the dishes off the table. "One of these days youre going to help with the dishes."
********************
Scully sighed in frustration. Tired as she was, sleep refused to come. She tried to empty her mind and allow herself to drift off, but soon realized that wouldnt work. There was too much running through her head to even think of sleep. She punched her pillow, releasing some tension, and gave up. The questions demanded answers, or at least some focused thought.
Chief among those questions was just how her houseguest would behave now that shed agreed to his deal. Would he stick to it? His word had never been worth much before, so she couldnt count on it now. She had searched for the least sexy sleepwear she could find, finally settling on a pair of baggy cotton pajamas that buttoned up to the neck. It was a precaution, just in case Krycek finished the dishes and decided to join her. He hadnt; she had heard the TV come on once he was finished in the kitchen. Even though hed lowered the volume, she could still hear what was on: a couple of inane sitcoms, a cop drama, the late news. Somehow shed never thought of Alex Krycek as the type to kill an evening in front of the boob tube, but that was exactly what he was doing. Just one more thing to keep her off-balance.
Their dinner conversation this evening had certainly kept her off-balance. At first she had thought this deal was just one of Kryceks little head games (a particularly sadistic one), but she was apparently mistaken. If he could be believed, it went much deeper than that. Start with that statement that he wasnt free. What did that mean? Probably that the smoking bastard still wanted him dead. Why did he want him dead? Shed probably never know. Not unless he benevolently decided to tell her everything, and she was pretty sure it would be a cold day in hell before he did that.
Okay, so the deal had something to do with buying his freedom from the Morley Man. How? By feeding the information about his operations to Mulder through her. But why involve her at all? It wasnt like hed never fed information to Mulder before. Of course, the end result of that was that Krycek became Mulders personal punching bag and had his arm brutally amputated. Had he been trying to expose the smoker then? Hed said he was, but who could believe him? That was probably the reason for her involvement. It was probably safer for him to be once removed from the exposure when (if?) it came. That would also explain how he could be desperate enough to offer it in the first place.
What she still didnt understand was how he could say shed thank him once this was over. Sure, once they were exposed, hed be free, but what benefit would that be to her? Evidently there were still things he hadnt revealed. He said he got something "besides the obvious" out of the deal. What was that? And how did she fit into that? Was she his chosen conduit for information only because he wanted to sleep with her? Or was there something more on the line here? He implied that there was, but again, how could she take him at his word?
Scully was still awake and pondering these questions when she heard the TV shut off. A minute later Krycek entered the bedroom, moving around in the dark like hed lived there for years. She watched him through slitted eyes, trying not to give away the fact that she was still awake. He started to undress, and Scully sent up a silent prayer: Please, God, dont let him sleep naked. Her prayer was answered quickly, as he stripped down to only his t-shirt and boxers. He went into the bathroom, and she turned on her side, away from his half of the bed. She heard the toilet flush and the faucet run, then he was sliding under the covers next to her.
There was a pregnant pause, and she could feel the weight of his stare. She heard a soft chuckle, then his low, throaty voice. "Nice jammies, Dana," he purred. "Very sexy." Then he turned on his side away from her with a soft sigh.
What have I done? Scully asked herself as she closed her eyes. Dear God, what have I done?
********************
He stood in the middle of the meadow dressed all in black, a dark beacon that drew her like a moth to a flame. She flew to him, clung to him, molded herself to his body. He stroked her cheek once, the invitation clear in the gesture and in his brilliant emerald eyes. She let her gauzy white dress fall to the grass, offering herself to him. In an instant she was lying on the dress and he was with her. He kissed and touched her everywhere, setting her entire body afire with the magic of his touch. His roving hand came to rest between her legs and she opened them in welcome, shivering and sighing at his gentle strokes. First one finger, then two, then three slid inside her, and she gasped at the sudden entry. He kissed her then, his tongue invading her mouth in time to the rhythm of his fingers sliding in and out of her. His thumb stroked her tiny nub, bringing her almost instantly to that perfect peak of ecstasy --
Scully sat up like a shot, breathing hard and more aroused than shed ever been from any dream in her life. It was a dream, wasnt it? Sure it was. She was in her bedroom, in her own bed, alone -- no, not alone. Not alone, but certainly not being --
She shook her head and took a deep breath, willing her pounding heart to slow down. She calmed herself after a few moments and slid back down toward the pillow again. That was when she noticed the dark spots on the crisp white pillowcase, clearly visible in the pale moonlight filtering through the curtains. With growing fear she touched her upper lip, and her finger came away wet. Another nosebleed.
She scooted into the bathroom and was concentrating on trying to stop the nosebleed, praying that it wouldnt get worse, when she heard movement behind her. She looked up from the sink to find Krycek standing in the doorway, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Dana, are you okay?" he asked, reaching out to her. "Here, let me --"
"Dont touch me!" she cried sharply, shrinking away from his touch.
He stepped back, and she turned away almost too quickly to see the flicker of hurt in his eyes. "I was only trying to help."
"I dont need your help," she snapped, reaching for another tissue.
He moved toward her again and laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Yes you do, Dana," he said softly.
The memory of her dream came to her, and she jerked away from his touch and spun around to face him. "I said, dont touch me!" she cried, and felt a measure of satisfaction when he obeyed and stepped back, chastened. "You have a lot of nerve, you know that?" she went on, the effects of the last two days and the dream, combined with the crushing fear that accompanied every nosebleed, finally allowing her to lash out at him. "You really do. How can you stand there and tell me I need your help? You torture me and badger me into this sick deal of yours, and I need your help? I have a terminal disease -- how the hell do you think you can help with that? Youre probably one of the ones who gave it to me!"
Krycek stiffened at that, his hands curling unconsciously into fists. "Never, ever say that again," he said in a low voice, his eyes filling with anger. "Dont you dare lay that on me! You have no idea!"
"Then enlighten me!"
His eyes closed now, and he struggled with himself for a long moment before he was able to speak. "I cant." His voice was soft again, his anger faded to sadness. "I cant."
"Then leave me alone." She turned back to the sink, closing her eyes against tears.
"Thats the problem, you know," Krycek said, moving forward and placing his hands on her shoulders. This time she didnt shrug them off. "Everyones leaving you alone, and youre perfectly happy to push the ones who dont away. Whos there for you through this? People always lean on you. Who do you get to lean on now?"
"My mother," Scully whispered, choking back tears. "Mulder..."
"Your mother," Krycek said gently, now massaging her shoulders, "has no idea, does she? She says shes there for you, but she doesnt know what youre going through and you dont talk to her, you dont tell her what youre feeling. You dont tell her how youre afraid every time you get a nosebleed that the cancers spreading. You cant tell her how you feel youre letting her down. She still thinks youre the strong one, the daughter who can take anything. Who can cope with anything. Youre the doctor; cancer at least is an enemy you know how to fight. She doesnt know..." He leaned in closer now, whispering in her ear. "She doesnt know how scared to death you really are."
Scully took a deep breath and pulled away from his massage. He couldnt have come any closer to the mark unless hed been living in her own head the last few weeks. How the hell did he know?
"And Mulder," he went on, now leaning against the bathroom wall, "is in denial. You dont talk to him either, because the subject scares him even more than it scares you. He says hes there for you too, but hes not. He cant be because hes too busy wallowing in self-pity; thinking about how if you die he wont have anyone to dump his problems on anymore. You dont even feel you can talk about it with him because the subject upsets him, and God forbid we upset Mulder, right? Poor tortured Mulder. Everyones out to get him. You are too, by being selfish enough to die and leave him all alone."
"Thats not fair," she whispered, but even as the words came out, she knew that at least part of what Krycek said was true. She didnt feel she could talk about the cancer with Mulder, and he certainly was in denial.
"Maybe not," Krycek allowed. "But it is true, and deep down you know that." He waited for her denial, but none came so he continued. "You do need somebody to be there for you through this. To give you a shoulder to cry on if you need it and a sounding board to scream at if you need to. You need someone whos traveled the same road and knows how you feel." He paused, then, "I can do that for you."
She turned, confused. "You can? Youve had cancer?"
"No," he sighed, "but Ive stared death in the face, and I did it alone. I was so sure, so damn sure Id die in that silo, and I have to tell you I was never so scared in my life. I thought I wanted to die after those barbarians hacked my arm off..." A slight shiver ran through him and he crossed his arms as if trying to ward off a chill. "They tell me I almost did. And yknow what? No matter how much I wanted to die, when it came right down to it, the idea scared the hell out of me."
He moved forward again, gently stroking her hair. She allowed him to, suddenly mesmerized by the soft, gentle look in his eyes; the kind of look shed never expected to see from him. "My journeys might not have been the same as yours," he told her, "but I do know how you feel; I do understand. I know you feel more alone now than you ever have, but it doesnt have to be that way." He gently lifted her chin so that she was looking up at him. "I can help you, Dana," he said softly. "Please let me."
A part of her desperately wanted to believe and trust him. That part ached to just lay her head on his strong shoulder and cry as she hadnt been able to thus far; cry out all her loneliness, depression, and fear, and let him comfort her. But the rest of her...
She pulled away from him and turned back to the sink. "The only way you can help me," she said, trying to keep the quaver out of her voice, "is to find a cure for this disease and get out of my life."
He said nothing for what felt like a long time; so long that she thought hed left. She looked up into the mirror and saw him still standing behind her, eyes fixed on her. When her eyes met his in the mirror, he looked away and shifted his weight, unsure now. And when he spoke, his voice was so quiet she could barely make out his words.
"I can make certain... inquiries..."
Scully whirled around to face him, but his attention was focused somewhere off to her side. "Are you saying you have a cure for this disease?" she asked sharply.
Krycek sighed deeply and met her eyes. "There are some avenues I can explore..."
She threw up her hands. "Of course. You have nothing. How in the world I could ever believe --"
"Its not nothing." He sounded almost defensive now.
"No? Its no sure thing either, is it?"
"Surer than that chemo youre undergoing right now."
"And just what would I have to do for this? Is this where you tell me I have to sleep with --?"
"No." He cut her off quickly. "You wouldnt have to do anything youre not already doing."
"So this is part of the deal."
He shifted uncomfortably. "Not exactly..."
"I find it very difficult to believe that youd offer it if there wasnt anything in it for you."
"Look, does it really matter?" he asked. "Do you want me to make the arrangements or not?"
Scully leaned back against the sink and weighed her options. Did he really know of a cure? Or was this just another one of his little head games? Did a cure even exist? Shed been told it did not, but then again... Krycek was once in league with the people responsible for her disease. If anyone could get ahold of a highly classified treatment, he was the one. Still... it was still Krycek. The man offering her her life was once sent to her own living room to end it...
She shook her head and turned back to the sink. "No, I dont... I dont believe you; I dont trust you. Theres no way you can have a cure."
"Suit yourself." She could almost hear the shrug in his voice. "The offers always open. All you have to do is ask."
She looked up at him once more. "Why? After all youve done to me and my family, why do you want to help me?"
"I dont think you deserve to die." The words were simple, but his intense green eyes, fixed on hers, suggested to her that there was far more to the answer.
She met that gaze for a long moment, then bent back to the sink, hoping he wouldnt notice the shudder that ran through her. "Im touched," she said flatly. "Now get out."
He moved toward the bathroom door, but turned back to her. "Think about this, Dana," he said. "They dont have anything to offer you. They just treat you like a cancer patient and wait for you to die. Im offering you life. And even if you dont take it, for the time you have left, Ill treat you like a woman. A woman with a full, rich life she shouldnt be so hasty to let go of."
"Get out," Scully repeated softly.
To her great surprise, he did. And then she sat down on the edge of the bathtub and cried.
End Chapter 3
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