Sunset
     

 

Written: August 31, 2000


As my head jerks back due to the thrust of the plane separating from the tarmac, I'm reminded of everything I'm leaving behind in Springfield, the only home I've ever known. The sun is setting and my thoughts make tread tracks in my mind as I try to focus on the future. I know that I must concentrate on establishing a new life in a new town, because that is the only thing that will bring Michelle the peace she deserves. She deserves to live without fear. When I came into her life, she was swept up in mine, causing her to jump at shadows and awake from nightmares in the middle of the night. Her life should be better than that, and now, my only wish is that I'm making the right decision by her.

The plane is now evening out and I take off my seat belt, staring out my window and looking down at the town below that holds so many memories. Some good. Some bad. But these last few months have been the hardest of my life. My separation from Michelle sent me so deep into a hole that I never thought I could claw my way out of it. But I did. I did it for her. It's always for her. I had to be strong enough to walk away, to set her free again. But I didn't get to that point easily. Michelle and I had a few knockout, drag-out fights before I got there.

After Ray was shot, Michelle asked for a divorce – demanded one, actually. We both said some things that hurt, but don't they say that your one true love is the person who can make you the most miserable? Believe me, it's true. The next couple of weeks, I took control of the Santos Empire. Why not? Being the head of a mob family may not have always been my life's ambition, but the pull was always stronger than my resolve. I always tried to rise above it, dismissing it as being beneath me, when in truth, it was the only place I truly felt like I belonged. Until I met her. Forgive the cliché, but she really did change everything. I was willing to give up everything for her, no matter how hard it was for me. I wondered sometimes if she ever believed me, because I made her so many promises that I never could keep, even though I tried.

And I did. I tried. But it wasn't good enough. She was still willing to give it all up.

After Michelle heard about my new position as head of the family, she did everything to avoid me. I'd like to say I did the same, to avoid the obvious awkward and possibly painful situation, but in truth, every time I turned around I hoped to see her. Every laugh started to sound like hers, every blond head of hair stopped my heart for just an instant, and every whiff of her perfume sent me reeling. I even almost caused an accident one day when I thought I saw her car. She contacted Ross about relinquishing her percentage of the club, taking her name off the deed to the Laurel Falls property, everything. But the one phone call I never got was about the divorce papers. Part of me thanked God every night when I went to sleep that I made it through another day without receiving that call. That was a call I never wanted to answer. One night, Pilar dragged me to Towers for a late dinner. Needing a break, I gave in, hoping beyond hope that Michelle would somehow be there.

I love it when I'm right.

As I took a drink, the elevator doors opened to reveal my gorgeous wife, dressed in black. I always loved her in black, though she rarely wore it. I quickly looked to her side to see who she was with, thanking God once again to see that it was only her Aunt Meta. She took a seat and didn't see me, but she could feel my stare. She finally looked up as she sat down, staring back for an instant before shaking her head and paying Meta more attention than I'm sure she's ever gotten from Michelle before. Feeling brave, or stupid, I told Pilar that I was leaving and took a chance. I went to her table.

"Michelle. Aunt Meta," I say, leaning down to kiss Meta on the cheek.

"Danny, good to see you."

"Thank you, I'm glad to see you're back in town. Welcome back."

"It's good to be back home where I belong."

"I know Michelle missed you a lot."

Look at me, Michelle.

"Michelle? Can I speak with you in private for a moment?"

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Danny."

Help me out, Aunt Meta.

"Honey, I think you should go talk. It's ok, I'll order for us."

"Aunt Meta…"

"Go, I'll be fine. You have a lot to talk about."

Reluctantly, Michelle followed me into the elevator as I pushed the button for the garage parking lot.

"Where are we going?"

"I just wanted to have a little privacy. How are you?"

"How do you think I am?"

"I'm assuming that's a rhetorical question."

"No, really. Do you think I'm happy? Sad? Angry? Confused? Hurt? Huh? How about being hysterical at the thought of spending the rest of my life without you? What do you think I'm feeling right now? Right this very instant?"

"Look Michelle, I didn't want to fight."

"Then what did you want, Danny? Why did you do this? You know that any time we see each other, we just hurt each other more! It just keeps getting harder and harder!"

"Hey! I didn't set this up, ok? This was purely coincidental! Look, I just wanted to talk to you, that's all."

"About what? About your new job? About how many illegal activities you're involved in? About how your life is in danger every single day? How you could get killed at any given moment because of a life that you chose?"

The elevator doors opened and she flew out, with no clue where to go from there.

"I didn't choose it, Michelle!"

"Yes you did!! Every time, you stepped back into that life, the life you swore to me that you hated, the life you said I was more important than… in the end, you chose it over me."

"I wish it were all as simple as you're making it. It must be nice to live in your little cookie cutout world where everything's black or white, with no room for gray! Because I live in the gray all the time, Michelle! I've never been lucky enough to have those clear-cut answers, to have those absolutes at my disposal! In fact, in my life, I've only had one absolute – and that was you. My love for you was the only thing that I was clear about. But it wasn't enough. My love for you wasn't enough."

"Your love was always enough, Danny."

"Liar."

"What??"

"If it were, we'd still be together. If it were, you'd still love me."

"I do."

"I don't believe you. But why should I? This last year, you kept saying that as long as we were together, we could get through anything… that you'd rather die with me than live without me… that it was for better and worse, Michelle! But the first sign of trouble and you take off."

"First sign!? First sign?! How about a year full of signs? A year full of promises? Don't they count?"

"I've tried, Michelle! You saw that I was willing to give it all up for you! Everything! I walked away from it all, and I lived with you in your house with your family! I did it all… for you."

"Until Carmen died."

"It triggered something in me, Michelle. I didn't know what it was then and I don't know now… but I couldn't tell you about it because it scared me to death. Do you think I liked feeling such rage and hatred for someone I didn't even know? I hadn't felt that way since before I met you. The fact that it came back to me so quickly… as if my whole life with you never happened..."

"There, right there, as if we never happened. And you went with that, Danny. You accepted that. You knew that whatever choice you made would have consequences… and one consequence was me leaving."

I chuckled to myself as I walked to my car. Frustrated, she followed me. I knew she would.

"You know what, Michelle? Honestly, that thought never crossed my mind."

"What?!? You never thought of me once while you ordered that man's death?"

I got in my car and revved the engine as I rolled down the window.

"If you want the answer, you'll have to get in."

She stomped around the back of the car, flung open the door and threw herself onto the seat. I backed up and started to drive. Just drive.

"Now tell me what you meant."

"I meant… I never thought that you would leave me."

"But you knew how I felt about that."

"Of course I did. But I never thought that you'd leave me because of it. And I also thought that I knew that you loved me."

"I did… I do… but one thing doesn't have anything to do with the other."

"Don't you see, Michelle? For me, they had everything to do with each other. I had been going through hell. My mother died, my baby died…"

"She was my baby too."

"I know, I know. But both of the deaths… it was so much to take. I had no control over either of them. I couldn't save either of them. So I did the only thing that I could. If there had been one person responsible for our baby's death? I would've killed him too."

"So it wasn't about protecting me."

I didn't answer. I just kept driving. We got to the lighthouse and walked upstairs before another word was said. After she sat on the bed and held her head with her hands, I walked to the window and finally answered her.

"I always protected you, by any means necessary."

"And that's what scares me, Danny. Those means… they're a part of a life that I can't live, that I can't condone."

"I'm not asking for your approval, Michelle. All I ever did was ask for your understanding. And sometimes, that understanding entailed believing that sometimes you wouldn't understand."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that you were the only reason I had for changing, for becoming a better man. If I had never met you, I'd still be groomed to take over the family. I'd be dealing with the books, I'd be approving illegal shipments, and I'd be the man you're afraid of now."

"So it's true then, people can't change?"

"Maybe that was the problem. You fell in love with the man you wanted me to be. You fell in love with my potential."

"That's not true!!"

"Isn't it? Isn't it? I'm not good enough for you now. I made a decision, and it wasn't the one you wanted me to make. It wasn't the good Bauer way, and it wasn't good enough! I'm not good enough!"

"How can you say that? I stuck by you through all of this! I waited and I waited for that final break from your family, and it never came."

"So you couldn't wait more? Did you reach your quota?"

"Don't make fun of this."

"I'm not! But how could you expect it to happen overnight? You know, Michelle, the Santoses may never have been the Bauers, but we were a family! And whether you believe it or not, we loved each other, and in her own twisted way, my mother loved me. And I still loved her. And I left her, because of everything she did to you. It's all about you! And yet, that still wasn't good enough! I was supposed to just let her death go without finding out who did it?"

"Yes."

"I guess that was the one thing I couldn't do for you."

"Look at what it did to you. It turned you into a murderer."

"That's where you're wrong. I was protecting everybody. And you will never believe me, because it's easier for you to blame this on revenge, on the way I was raised. It's easier for you to blame our failed marriage on me and my decisions."

"Are you saying this is my fault?"

"I’m saying that maybe you should look at the whole picture instead of your skewed version of the situation. I'm saying that there was a time when I believed that you would fight for us. And I'm saying that you gave up."

She didn't say anything. We sat in silence for a few minutes before she walked out the door and got back in the car. I heard her crying all the way back to Towers, where she got out and closed the door without saying a word. I went home and stayed up all night convincing myself that the only way for either of us to move on with our lives was to ensure that we never saw each other again. I talked myself into believing that she was better off without me in her life, and over the next few weeks, I began quietly dispensing my smaller responsibilities to other members of the organization in a way that wouldn't tip off my future intention of leaving it all behind. I entrusted all larger decisions to my grandmother until she found a suitable replacement. She was the only person who knew I was leaving. I never even told Pilar or Ray. I'm sure Abuela has filled them in by now. I can only hope that they will someday forgive me for my hurried disappearance.

This morning I was gathering my bags in the foyer when she arrived. I admit I had had a few drinks already, but I could still tell my wife's footsteps as they neared the porch. I stood up as she let herself in. It's still her home. Though she was always stunning, there's something about her appearance in jeans that turns me on end. I was shocked to see her, to say the least, but a part of me was simply happy to see her at all. There's something so peaceful in her eyes, they were always able to calm my every last nerve, and mine were definitely as queasy as they'd ever been. She was holding a thick yellow business sized envelope in her hand, and I knew what it was. I'd held that same envelope once.

"Danny?"

"Hi Michelle. What are you doing here?"

"Are you… what are these for? A business trip?"

"Not exactly."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving."

"Leaving for what?"

"For good."

"What!?"

"What are you doing here, Michelle?"

"I… I came to drop these off."

She lifts the envelope slightly.

"Divorce papers. The final nail."

"Where are you going, Danny?"

"You couldn't just have Ross send them to me?"

"I thought… that just seemed really impersonal, that's all."

"Well thanks, now I feel all warm and fuzzy because my wife served me with divorce papers instead of my lawyer. I really appreciate it."

"What's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong? You have to ask?"

"I mean, besides that. Danny, are you in trouble? Is that why you're leaving?"

"Not everything is about the business, Michelle."

"Then what is this about?"

"This is about… oh never mind. I'm gonna be late for the airport."

"Wait! You… you can't leave."

"Why not?"

"I'm not… I just…"

"Isn't this what you wanted? Me out of your life for good? Well, you're getting your wish."

"I never wanted you gone, Danny, I mean, not out of town… I just wanted to be more important than your family."

"You are my family."

I walked out to the car and put the bags in. She followed me. I knew she would.

"Why are you leaving?"

"Because I can't do this anymore, Michelle. I can't keep hurting you, which in turn, hurts me, anymore. Whenever you see me, you run the other way. Whenever I see you, I regret letting you run the other way. And then I start to get angry with you, and I don't want that. I don't want to hate you for doing this."

"For doing what?"

"For giving up. For throwing this all away. For choosing yourself over us."

"You'd hate me for wanting to save myself from your violent life?"

"Yeah. I would. Because from the day we got married at Laurel Falls, this ceased being about you and about me. It was about us. It was about living a life together, with faults, with failures, with jubilation and success. All of it. Not just the good stuff."

"I know that. I remember it all"

"Do you? Does the memory of us keep you warm at night? Because I'll tell ya, I've barely slept since I moved out of our bed. I stay up and I think about every time when I was fool enough to believe that you loved every part of me. The good and the bad. Because you know what? I love every part of you. The good… and the bad."

"I know… Danny…"

"No, let me say this. I have loved you unconditionally since we met. And now you're putting conditions on your love for me. How did we get there? In the beginning, what I felt for you was beyond my comprehension. It still is. I had never felt that way before in my life, and I know I never will again. I have risked my life to be with you. And I'd do it again. You had every part of me at your fingertips. I'd give my life for yours, without a second thought. When I should've hated you, I protected you. When I tried to leave you, I came back for you. When you betrayed me, I forgave you. When you hurt, I was there. When you cried, I was there. When you needed me, I was there for you. I never gave up on you because you're my wife, my partner, and everything that was ever good in me came from you."

"You had good inside you before we met."

"But I didn't want it. I didn't need it. Maybe it was there, but I had no reason to pay attention to it, until you fell in love with it."

"You really think you're not good enough for me? Is that what you think is the reason behind this divorce?"

"I think that it got hard for you, and you ran. Only this time, you ran from yourself."

"That's bull. Did you ever stop to think how I saw everything? Were you there the times I cried myself to sleep when you wouldn't come home because of the family business? Were you there to see how I couldn't stand the thought of losing you? Did you ever think that maybe I can't be around to watch that happen to you? You say I'm protecting myself, and maybe that's true, but it's better than watching you die in my arms!"

"Well, maybe so. But I just want you to remember every time you look around and miss me, that you wanted this. I hope you remember that you're the one with the divorce papers, not me. This was your decision, not mine. Remember that."

I had begun to open the car door when she spun me around with all her might.

"What do you want from me!?!"

"I only wanted you to fight for us, Michelle! That's all I've ever done - fight for you! But now I'm fighting with you and I'm letting you win. It's over! You win!"

"I didn't want to win! I just wanted you!"

"You had me! You'll always have me. Talk about irony… I'm finally doing the one thing you wanted and it's too late. I'm leaving. I'm out. All my power has been given to other people, and I'm letting you live the life you need to live."

"Where are you going?"

"Greece."

"Greece? Why?"

"Because nobody knows me there."

"You're never coming back, are you?"

"No."

"I don't know what to say. I never thought I'd have to say goodbye to you."

"Then don't. Don't say goodbye."

"What do I do with these?"

She held the envelope in my direction. I grabbed it.

"I'll take em. I'll give you this divorce because it's what you want. And I'd do anything for you. I'll look them over, make sure everything's taken care of, and I'll send them to Ross."

"Thank you."

"Don't… don't thank me for ending our marriage. Don't do that."

"I'm sorry."

"So am I. For everything."

"No, not for everything. Don't be sorry for loving me. Please don't."

"Baby, that's the only thing I've ever done right."

I gave her a kiss to remember and slipped into the driver's seat.

"Danny? I love you."

"I love you, too. Here, this is for you."

"What is it?"

"Your future."

I handed her an identical yellow business-sized envelope, only thinner. As soon as I knew she had it, I sped off, doing everything I could to avoid my rearview mirror. I made it to the airport in record time, boarding in silence and continuing to see her hair at every turn, hear her laughter against my better judgment and smell her perfume when I least expected it. I found my seat and prepared for the long flight. I had lost myself in memories when a sharp poke on my shoulder snapped me back to reality.

"Is this seat taken?"

I saw it again. Her hair.
I heard it again. Her laugh.
I smelled it again. Her perfume.

She came.

You see, in that thin envelope was a one-way ticket to Greece. I gave her the final choice. Come with me and live our life together, or stay in Springfield and realize that every moment we're apart kills us just a little bit more. By showing up, she told me that she loves me enough to risk everything, to leave with me and love me, just Danny. And that's something I needed to know. We both gave in and compromised, and we'll both be better for it. Now, we'll start over, fresh, together, as equals. And I know we'll be ok, because we're at our best when we're together.

As I sit here in my first-class seat on my way to Greece, I relive the past two years with my wife, my Michelle. Our souls crossed paths and together, we created a new trail. As the day becomes night, I anticipate our new life beginning with a new day. As one horizon departs, another will be delivered in the morning, bringing hope and a future that we both deserve.

I chuckle to myself as I think of all the times we could've ended this. I laugh because it all seems trivial now. As my shoulders jerk up and down, she awakens from her slumber. I soothe her cheek and kiss her forehead.

"Go back to sleep, baby."

"What were you looking at?"

"The most beautiful sunset I've ever seen."

THE END