Prelude to the Conversation
     

 

Toots Writes: I wrote this last September, back when Manny had gotten back from the Reva Rescue Mission and tensions were high and they were separated for a few days. As a matter of fact, this was written the day after he said he "couldn't walk away" in the Bauer kitchen. In any case, I wanted to use one particular line and I just started writing. I realize that I must've wanted to write "The Conversation" long before I actually did when I re-read this. It's practically ALL dialogue, with VERY little direction. You'll notice some similarities that you may have read in "Convo", most notably my favor toward nothin' but the spoken word, but some of the actual dialogue is similar too.. that's because I infuse my Manny beliefs into whatever I write. Having had no intention on sharing this when I wrote it, it's a little raw. It's a first (and only) draft and it's a stand alone. Enjoy

Written: September 17, 1999

Setting: Casa Santos Bedroom



"You're leaving me."

"I'm leaving the situation, you can come too… but you don't want to."

"Come on, it's not that easy."

"Why not, Danny? Tell me why. Tell me why, despite the fact that this situation is beginning to tear us apart, you can't leave it behind you."

He stands in silence.

"Danny, despite what you may think right now, I really do want to understand why you let yourself get sucked back in every time you tell me you want out…"

"I do want out. I do."

"And because of that, because you told me that all those months ago, the night Pilar was shot, because of that, I came back to you. Danny, I was ready to walk away. I was. It would've killed me to do it, but I was so close that night. Do you remember what you said?"

-He remembers the night on her bed, soaking wet.-

"Yeah, I do, but it became more complicated than even I knew it could be."

"Okay, then why couldn't you tell me that? Is it because you didn't think I could take it? Danny, I know you want to protect me, I know you feel it's your job, but we laid on that bed when you told me that you wanted to share everything with me. Everything."

"I tried. I did. Michelle, do you realize how little my life is worth without you in it? Do you? Because I do. I know that if you weren't with me, I very easily could've turned out like Mick."

"No, no you couldn't. Danny, I know you."

"You know the Danny that loves you, Michelle. I don't think you'd like the person I have the ability to become."

"I don't believe that, Danny. I don't."

"Don't you see? If I didn't promise you every time that things would get better, that I would make everything ok, I ran a huge risk."

"Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you only had two choices here? Lie to me and hope that I don't find out or tell me everything and risk me hating and leaving you? I don't believe this."

"Well, believe it Michelle. Because it's true, only it's not even as easy as you make it out to be."

"Easy!? This isn't easy, Danny!"

"Exactly. Michelle, listen to me, ok? Just let me try to explain."

"I'm listening."

"Growing up in this family was nothing like growing up in the Bauer house. Nothing."

"I know."

"Do you? Sometimes I feel like just because everything is so black and white in your world that you automatically expect it to be like that in mine, and it isn't. You never had to have bodyguards walk you to your classroom because your father was making new enemies every day. I grew up with sounds of gunshots ringing through my ears, not lullabies. I was taught, from a very early age, that you live and die for your family, that you never allow yourself to be weak and that you take your duty to your grave. These are hardly the family values you grew up with, huh?"

"No."

"My mother. She didn't used to be like this. Up until my father died, she was a wonderful woman. She really did love us. She read to us, played with us and tried to make our lives as normal as possible. It wasn't until Papa was killed that she became so hard, so ruthless. She didn't see us as her children anymore, but employees, Mick and I. Even there, I was the one she groomed to take over someday. It was my future. It was already determined for me. I didn't have a choice. And I don't think I wanted one."

"What do you mean?"

"For all intents and purposes, that was the life I wanted."

"How? Why?"

"Because I didn't know any other way of life, Michelle. That's what I'm trying to get at. It's all I had ever known… until you. I won't lie. Before I met you, women never meant much to me. I used them to get what I wanted and left."

"I don't know if I want to hear this…"

"I'm not sure if I want to tell you, but you wanted full disclosure – this is part of the big picture. You have to hear it."

"Ok, go ahead."

"These women… well, any woman… I never thought that I… I could never see myself with anyone longer than a couple of weeks, Michelle. I never thought I even had a future. So I made the most of what I had – they had their fun, I had mine, and we left it at that."

-a Michelle look-

"Hey, they used me just as much. Did you know that there are girls out there who make it their mission in life to bed down the future head of a mob family? I never used anybody who didn't want to be used. They all saw me for what I was. A mobster. A thief. I just dressed nicer than most of the other hoods. All this time, though, I always had a line I would never cross – not in the name of business. My mother knew this and she accepted that. She knew I had a heart, which was more than I could say for Mick. She knew I couldn't kill anyone. I knew it. Until Mick died. She convinced me that the line I had never crossed in the name of business now had to be destroyed in the name of family."

"She convinced you to kill?"

"You know how she is with family loyalty speeches. She was very convincing. I had a job. I had to find who did this and eliminate them. Do to them what they did to Mick. I was supposed to fulfill my destiny, my fate that night at the dock…"

-Michelle hangs her head, he lifts it-

"…instead, you saved me from it."

"Saved you? You're the one who saved me."

"No. Well, maybe, yeah. But Michelle, that night was the first time I saw something better in the future instead of the black hole I had always seen. You gave that to me. You gave me my future. But… little did I know how hard it would be to get there with you."

-She laughs-

"It sure was hard."

"It still is. No matter how much you gave me, or how much you made me feel, I was still Danny Santos, future head of my family. It's all I had ever been, until I became your husband. When that happened, I had to make everyone happy – you, because I loved you, and my family, because that was what I was raised to do, expected to do… provide and take responsibility for my family."

"But I'm your family now, Danny."

"And that negates the last 20 plus years of my life? The way I was raised? The only life I'd ever known? In one night, my life changed forever. Just like yours. For months, I was convinced that you hated me… despite any connection that I know we had, you pushed me away at every opportunity."

"But that…"

"I know, it changed. But I still was obligated to my family – my mother, grandmother, sister, all my aunts and uncles, cousins – they all looked to me… me… to take over someday. Since I was 14, since that day on the bench, they all looked to me for leadership. How could I, in one fell swoop, marry my brother's murderer and leave the business, and them, behind? Because, you know, that's what I would be doing… leaving my family."

"But this family is not good for you."

"You don't think I know that? Michelle, that makes this even harder. This has never been a question of what I should do, it's what I can do to incur the least amount of damage – literally and figuratively."

"I thought you believed in us."

"I do! Michelle, if this were just about you and me, I wouldn't be nearly as scared as I am now. This is bigger than just us."

"I know you're scared Danny. And in my life, all I want are two things for you – to be rid of all of this guilt and pain and for you to be safe. What I see right here, in you, is someone who's ready to break. Do you have any idea that I don't nearly want this change for me half as much as I want it for you? You deserve so much more. You deserve to be able to live the life you want, Danny. The life you choose."

"My choice was taken away from me when I was 14. My life is, and will always be, tainted. It will always be dangerous…"

-He comes to a realization-

"…and it will always be unfair to you. You deserve happiness and freedom and the ability to go to sleep at night without crying."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that now, right now, I know what it feels like to love someone so much you're willing to sacrifice yourself in order for them to be happy."

-Michelle's in tears-

"No, no, you tried this before, we couldn't do it then."

"And we tried… we did."

"No! No! You… you're the one who always told me not to give up! I'm not letting you give up! No!"

"What else can we do, Michelle? Realistically, what are our options? We stay together, I tell you everything and you just have to accept it? No, I won't do that to you."

"I have a choice!"

"And so do I!! I choose this way! I choose to let you go back to a life where you can be safe!"

"What were the other options, hm?"

-He laughs, half-heartedly-

"Ok, another option… I leave the business and we're together."

"Yes?"

"You just don't don't know how this works. I know you don't and I'm so glad you don't…"

-He kisses her forehead-

"People don't just leave this life, Michelle. The only way I could've done it is if my mother agreed to take the entire Santos presence out of the families. But now, now that I know my mother has no intention of doing that, there's no possible way for me to leave without having a huge target put on the back of my head. I'm as good as dead if I try that Michelle. And if you stay with me, you're as good as dead too."

"No… no… God please no. Danny. Danny, this can't… oh God. If anything happened to you…"

"So now do you see why? Why I didn't want to tell you all of this? Michelle, all I ever wanted was a future with you. I wanted it so much that when I finally got it – that night that Pilar was shot – that's all I saw. I think somewhere in my mine I thought that if I wished it enough, it would happen… just happen. But slowly… as I realized what I had really done to you, I turned your life completely upside down. I turned it into a living, breathing soap opera."

"You didn't do anything, Danny, but make me fall in love with you. If my life became something unrecognizable, it's because of the circumstances, not because of your reaction to the circumstance. Yes, you could've told me more about how you were feeling and the brutal truth about the reality of the situation – and while I still don't think they were good enough reasons, I really think I can see why you choose to do things this way. I don't "understand", but I don't blame you, Danny."

-He hangs his head-

"Hey, look at me. We will figure this out."

"No, Michelle, I said…"

"I heard what you said, and I'm not leaving you. You can say as much as you like, but this is my decision. But I want to make this perfectly clear."

"What?"

"I know that when I push you to make a decision in an instant, that it just makes this worse. I swear to you…"

-they both laugh-

"…I do, I swear, that I will ease up on that as long as you continue to tell me everything. Everything. From business dealings, illegal or otherwise, to everything that you're feeling. Every last thought and instinct, fear and joy. Everything. Can you do that?"

-He takes a moment to think-

"You know, the more information you have, the deeper you get into this way of life."

"No, that's where you're wrong. The more I know about your heart, the deeper I get into my life with you, the deeper in love I am with you. I'm a big girl, Danny, I can do this. I can help you get out of this. Somehow. I need to know that this is what you really want – what you really want."

"If it means having a life with you that's safe and stress-free, yes. Yes. I want that. Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what? Staying?"

"Yeah. Why do you insist on putting up with all of this… the house, the mother-in-law from hell, the danger, the lying?"

-She strokes his hair and puts her nose on his-

"You know why."

THE END