The Conversation
      Chapter 20

 

"You know what that was."

"Yeah…"

"I hurt you again."

He says this more to himself as punishment, than to her as an admission. He needs to be aware of every time he's hurt her, every moment that his life caused her pain, every instance that her heart felt as though death was too sweet a punishment. It was only in this consciousness that he could explain and possibly be forgiven. Not by her, but by himself. This was forgiveness, however, that would never come. It was his plight to live in her servitude as punishment… for causing her sleepless nights, instants of fright, flashes of doubt, and hours of tears.

She leans back to make allowance for the memories. All of her dreams of growing old with her husband were dashed at that park bench. Every vision of she and Danny together, with their children, happy together, was destroyed at that park bench. Every hope that she had of living the kind of life her mother always told her she could have if she wanted it enough… killed at that park bench. Her very soul was taken out, scrutinized by the man she loved, stomped upon and left there to whither and die. He hurt her? That was an understatement.

"You think you just hurt me? You make it sound so simple. As though that pain was just like any of the others."
"I'm not saying that…"

"Yes you are. It's another `I hurt you, let's cry, say we're sorry and be over it' situation, right?"

She was tiring of the monotonous pattern of their conversation. She never expected to speak of this day again, the day at that ugly park bench.

"Hey wait a second, we're talking these things out so that we can be completely honest with each other, this is a good thing."

"Good thing," she laughs. "Well, it wasn't a good thing when you took me there that day with so much anticipation only to tell me, oh, what was it? That I saw you as `potential'? You spat on everything we shared, Danny…"

"But I told you…"

"I don't care what you told me… yes, I know it was all meant to push me away… to protect me… but at the time, you might as well have been ordering a hit on me yourself, that's how much I wanted to die when I left you."

"Baby…"

"No!"

She backs away from him, determined to tell him everything she felt that day, whether he wants to hear it or not. His eyes fill with fear when his touch is met with apprehension. What did he do to her? She looks into the fireplace, unable to look at him, and recalls the events of that afternoon.

"I remember the drive over there, following you in my car. I kept hoping that you were taking me somewhere special to tell me that we could be together. Every red light… I'd look in the mirror… I'd fix my make-up and brush my hair to look beautiful for you. When you pulled into the park, I had some doubts as to why you would bring me here, but I never had doubts about you… not about us…"

A slight half-laugh comes from the back of his throat before she continues.

"I don't know, maybe I was naïve. I guess it seemed so simple to me. I loved you. You loved me. We'd be together. The last thing I expected was… outright rejection. And not only that, but… I thought you loved me… I thought you loved me… "

She buries her head in her hands as she feels the sadness from that day weigh heavily on her heart. Tears begin to fly at will as she tries to contain them within the confines of her small hands. While her body convulses to absorb the sobs, he inches closer and places his hand on her back. While the pain of re-living these few moments is as real as anything else, knowing in his mind that he did the right thing, that he did this to protect her, enabled him to justify his actions to himself, and hopefully soon, to her. But now, as he watched his life before him in pain, there was nothing more on his mind but to comfort her, to take it away from her, to see that majestic smile on her face once more.

"I did, baby…"

"No. Stop. Don't. You don't seem to understand. Everything I thought I knew… every feeling we ever shared… every intimate moment… every kiss… everything… it all meant nothing to you, it meant nothing. That's what you made me believe, Danny. That I was nothing more than a warm body… that my…my mind, my heart, they were nothing more than mere accessories… that everything we'd been through was truly for nothing."

Gathering strength from her sincerity, he stands, walks behind her and leans up against the footboard of their bed, continually staring at his feet. Moments pass in silence, the only sound coming from her gasps for air as she tried to compose herself and the birds in the trees outside. Finally, he says it.

"Now you know how it feels."

As her mind registers his words, an understanding is reached. Although she is somewhat tempted to jump from her place and ask him why he would say such a thing, she knows. She knows that he's right. She knows that their motivations, however different, were born from a place of love for each other. And in her heart, she knows that he would do it again if it meant protecting her or their daughter. This understanding, one of their most important during this conversation, was found while separated, while their fixation was concentrating on something other than the other. This is the strength of their connection. This is the strength of their love.

She rises to meet him, tears freshly lying at the foot of her lids. She wrings her hands together unsure if she should let this go or continue purging her every sensation from that day in that ugly park. Upon her arrival, he opens up his once clinched arms and welcomes her into his warm embrace. As they separate, there are still words left unspoken… words that need to be shared. With his hands still holding her in place against him, she begins softly.

"I thought that if I put all my feelings out there, on the line, that you'd be happy, that I could make you happy. I thought that if you just knew how much I wanted you, we'd be ok. So simple… so easy… and always my choice. That's what I'd come to always expect… but I guess that's what I get when I grow up in…"

"…your world."

"Yeah."

"And that was your problem. You never saw the reality of the situation, what was staring at us right in the face. You just kept thinking of two normal, happy people loving each other and how good we could be together. But you always seemed to forget about the reality that was my mother, my family, and about the business I was in."

She backs up slowly, sitting on the arm of the chair as she answers.

"I never forgot. Sure, I didn't like to think about it, but that was because… because I never saw you as an extension of your mother, of your family, or of your business. I just saw you. It took me a long time, but every day it became more and more clear to me. All of the exterior junk just blended into the background and there you were, as clear as day right in front of me… my husband… a man I loved. And yeah, maybe I was a little naïve to think that it wasn't a package deal, but I didn't love your family, I only loved you. That's all I saw… maybe because that's all I wanted."

Their eyes lock in an unspoken understanding of love and patience. This was the look that was there despite any words to the contrary that were said during their marriage. This was the look that acted as a shield against anyone who tried to come between them. This was the look that they both dreamt of at night… that they knew as well as they knew themselves… that they believed in more than anything.

"Exactly. But I wasn't that lucky. I could never choose not to see them. That's what my life was and that's what I needed you to understand that day."

"But you said a lot that day."

"I know, baby, and I didn't mean some of it… but if you're wondering if I meant other… parts of it… yeah. Michelle, even now, no matter how happy we are… there are inherent differences in how you and I see the world. We grew up with different morals, different philosophies on life, different priorities. Somehow, we found each other, and we…"

"… we changed each other."

"Yeah… we've found a place, a happy medium, that's just ours. A little world of our own. A place that nobody else can ever understand, and I love having that with you."

"So do I. And she…"

She rubs her daughter tenderly as he closes the gap between them and does the same.

"…she's going to be born into our world."

Tears form in his eyes as he thinks of his little girl growing up with his name; the ridicule and injustice she may have to incur as a result of a decision made long before her father was even born.

"I want to give her so much, Michelle. I want to make her proud…"

"You already do."

He concentrates his eye line on his small and innocent baby. Continuously touching her, he picks up his head and looks into the pools of acceptance that tempt him to fall carelessly for the rest of his life.

"But… the questions in people's minds, they're always going to be there. The Santos name comes with a lot of baggage, a lot of stares, a lot of preconceptions…"

"They're not anything we can control, Danny. We can just be the best parents…"

As though ignoring her, he continues professing his fears. The thoughts don't stop as he forces himself into the future…

"What about the kids at school? What if nobody wants to play with her because they think her daddy's gonna hurt them? Or… what if they only play with her because of that? Oh, and if she does make friends… what about her first slumber party? What if all the other little girls don't come because their parents are worried about their children being in my home? What if she never has a chance to find the kind of love we have just because boys are scared of her mobster father? God, Michelle, what if this ruins her life? What if I…"

He bends down and takes his wife into his arms and holds on for dear life. As his tears wash the crook of her neck, his hands hold her so tight that she had trouble breathing. Attempting to allay his fears, she calmly strokes the back of his head and his back while placing gentle kisses to his neck. As he begins to relax, she slowly pulls him away from her, keeping him close, but allowing her lungs to fill with air again. She keeps his face in her hands as she wipes his tears away gently with her fingers.

"You are not going to ruin her life. Danny… you are going to show her the kind of love that every little girl deserves to have from her daddy. Together, we're going to teach her to be loving, fair, and non-judgmental… and she will have friends who will look past her last name… and she will meet a boy someday… a boy who will love her because her heart is good and pure, because her soul is as genuine as humanly possible and because she is the most magnificent creature he ever laid his eyes on."

"How do you know?"

"Because it happened with us. It happened with me. I admit, it took some time, but we were worth it. And she's worth it too. Have faith that she will rise above whatever life throws at her. She is a little piece of magic… a little bit of you… and a little bit of me… she's going to be fine. And she's going to love you so much… maybe as much as I do. But probably more."

He looks into her eyes, rimming with tears themselves, and is overwhelmed with the love that emanates from her very soul. He has never been able to understand her ability to save him from himself time and again. What he doesn't know is that in healing him, she heals herself. When he hurts, she hurts, but just a little less, just enough to give her the strength to carry him to a better place. He's done it for her on countless occasions, but doesn't think to credit himself. For Danny, it's become as much a part of his being as growing up a Santos. His love for her is who he is… it's why he is.

He replaces the tears on her cheeks with his soft palms as he brushes her stray hair out of the way.

"I'm so sorry, baby… I'm so sorry I ever hurt you. I don't deserve you."

In one look, she expresses everything. The love that she has for him, her faith in his intrinsic worthiness, her belief that maybe someday he'll actually think well of himself enough to rid her of the continuous need to re-assure him, and the boundless devotion she has to this man… the man who completes her in every way. He sees this look and lets out a small laugh before answering.

"Ok, maybe a little."