The Conversation
      Chapter 18

 

“Very funny.”

“You don’t think I considered it?”

A smile found her lips as she stretched her legs out in front of her, trying yet again, to gain comfort in her uncomfortable state.

“Can I get you something?”

“Yeah, this baby, out of here” she says, caressing her stomach.

“Oh, come on, it’s not that bad, is it?”

She cocks her eyebrow as she shows him a look of disbelief. The look that, despite everything he thinks he knows, assures him that he'll never know as much as he thinks.

“You should try it someday."

"Yeah, I'll get right on that."

He cracks a wicked grin that he only shares with her. In that look, she feels like the entire world is at their beckon call… that everything exists for them.

"All I know is that once she’s born, you’re doing more than your fair share of midnight diaper changes, buddy.”

“Anything you say, dear."

He leans over and kisses her stomach, wishing somehow that this was enough to ease her discomfort. Instead, she giggles. Good enough, he thinks, as he speaks to his daughter.

"No late night special deliveries in the diapers, kay sweetie? Work with me here."

Michelle rubs her husband's curls as he places another kiss on her belly before straightening up and getting off the bed to open the drapes. He opens them slightly, remembering the attack of blindness he suffered in his last attempt. The sun has since drifted overhead, so they were treated to a lazy dance of sunlight that helped brighten the room. He opens them completely before crawling back onto the bed on his hands and knees. She smiles, seeing the little child he once was… the child she rarely sees… the child she will someday see their future children as they will jump onto their bed and crawl up to them with reckless abandon. He re-joins her in his familiar position, at her feet, and sits down, pulling his knees up under his chin and resting his arms on them. His hands join together loosely, emulating his feet below. She watches him, jealous of his dexterity. After a few moments, she brings herself out of her pang and continues.

“So where were we?”

“The lighthouse…”

“We’ve had quite a few interesting… moments there, haven’t we?”

“That’s an understatement.”

“But I’ve always loved it, since I was little. And I knew that nobody else would be there, so I went hoping to find some peace and quiet… to think.”

"About Jesse…"

"And you too."

"Yeah, you mentioned that… what were you thinking about? Exactly? I got out of there so quick that night that I never really thought about what you said.”

“I was thinking about who… about what I wanted.”

Still not completely understanding, his eyes beg her for more details. Was she thinking of how much she wanted to be with Jesse? Was she thinking about how wrong he was for her? She senses his need and complies.

“I guess I'll just start from the beginning?"

He nods.

"Okay… when I got there, I was… confused seems to be the only word I can come up with right now… but it's accurate. I knew I wanted you. I knew that. But I had to convince myself that it was okay to want it… to want you. Do you understand?"

"Not completely."

"I was always fighting myself, Danny. I wasn't fighting you, or Jesse, or Drew, or even your mother… it was just me, and I realized that while I was there. I was quick to blame everyone else, but I was my own worst enemy, emotionally. It was like there were two sides of myself fighting… trying to win… trying to tell me what to do, how to feel, who to be with."

"Don't tell me… the angel on one shoulder told you to make things work with Jesse… but that devil on the other shoulder wouldn't let you forget about me, hm?"

He's kidding, trying to make light of the situation. But little does he know how right he is. He puts his legs down and crosses them, grabbing a pillow to hold onto his stomach as she answers.

"Kind of, yeah… I wanted so desperately to remember Jesse and everything good we shared and I wanted… again… to make myself want him… I mean, we had a good thing before, how could it have been gone? That's what I was thinking, at least. How could it have just disappeared? And was it my fault? Was it my fault that I couldn't make him understand me anymore? Did I try hard enough? All those things… and I had hoped that by being there, at the place that meant so much to he and I once, that… well, that it would all just happen… that it would work out… that the love I once felt for him would somehow flood back and everything would be like they were supposed to be… uncomplicated, and easy.”

“Two words that never could describe us. But… why did you want it so easy? Why were you so scared? Then, I mean.”

"I hurt you, Danny… remember, at that time, I had no idea what you had done with Drew, so I felt very guilty over what I'd done to you. All I had to do was look back… you were hard, Danny… we were hard… I didn't think I could fight for us anymore. I didn't even think you wanted me to."

A look of reflection comes across his face. As many mixed signals as she had given him over the months, he wasn't exactly easy to read either. He loved her and he left her. She could probably see his love in his eyes as he asked for an annulment, so why would she think he wanted her when he did everything in his power to separate them, legally? No matter how much he knew at the time, he was truly trying to see things from her perspective, and in doing so, it helped him understand things a little more clearly.

"I can see why you'd think that. I guess when we're lost… we want things that are safe. I guess that's why I went to the lighthouse… and that's why you needed Jesse."

His head dips at the thought that he couldn't provide the safety that she so desperately needed. He feels his stubble scratch his chin as he thinks that he was, in fact, the catalyst to make her run as far away as she could from herself. His eyes return to hers at her behest.

“Look at me, babe… that's just it… from the moment I got there and saw the bed… I thought about you… I needed you. I tried so hard, but I couldn't remember saying vows to Jesse there… the only memories I had were of kissing you and wanting you and it was as if Jesse didn’t even exist. And I… I did… I hated it. I hated knowing that I could forget him so easily, because of you. But it was like… like a moment of clarity… like this wonderful realization. A realization that made me feel so free… so good… and I had to face it. I had to face the fact that I wanted and needed you, that I loved you and that I had to fight to make us work."

"I wish I'd known all that before I got there…"

"Believe me, you were the last person I expected to see that night.”

“I remember parking outside and wondering why I was there. I really thought about turning around and leaving… part of me didn’t want to think of you, but it was out of my hands at that point. Did you know that Springfield is like a really large Michelle Bauer Tour? You were in everything I saw, everything I heard, everyone I ran into… just everywhere… and I knew how much the lighthouse meant to you. I guess it was like I was saying earlier… it felt safe to me, I guess because of how much you loved it there. Before I knew it, I was upstairs and opening the door."

She sees the emotion brimming in his eyes as he remembers how he felt that night. Completely lost, completely empty, hoping to find some semblance of home, of the person that he was when he was with her. Oh, how he desperately wished that he could be that person again… If it was even for a moment, he would take it. If it meant going to an empty lighthouse on the beach late at night just in the hopes of feeling her presence in the slightest way, he would do it. If it implied that he was nothing without her in his life, he would risk it. Because it was all true, even if it tortured him by reminding him that he would never hold her in his arms again…

She forces her daughter to allow her to scoot up closer to him. She eventually fits herself up against his left leg, still facing him as he pulls her even closer. Her left hand grazes the outside of his right leg and soothes him.

"Go ahead…"

"I got in there and could swear I smelled your perfume. I thought I was going crazy… I couldn't believe I was there. I was just about to leave when you came in. You were so beautiful. I thought I was dreaming for a second.”

He reaches up and cups her face in his left hand, feeling her smooth skin, sending him back briefly, remembering all the nights he lay awake staring at her perfect complexion and how it reminded him of his favorite lake by his family's summer home they visited in his youth. He would sit by the lake for hours and watch it simply exist in it's perfection… so tempting to dive into… yet so beautiful that he dare not taint it with his touch. He lowers his hand and places it on her stomach; his other embraces hers on his thigh.

“I know. I remember the look on your face. You looked like a deer caught in the headlights.”

“I’m sure I did… I had no idea what to do, what to say. In the span of a few days I found out about the FBI, all the stuff with Drew, we broke up, you were back with Jesse, Pilar came back, my life was gone and then there you were… like a dream. And I had no idea what you would want from me… I just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.”

"Isn't it strange?"

"Hm?"

"I never thought about it before… but… it was like a sign almost."

"What do you mean?"

"If we weren't so stubborn then, maybe we would've seen it… what were the chances of you and I running into each other then? Slim to none, really… but we did… we found each other… you found me."

"So, you didn't chalk it up to coincidence, huh?"

She laughs the laugh she knows he loves. Sometimes she wonders if he only makes jokes to hear her laugh. That thought always makes her feel exceptional… a way only he can make her feel.

"At the time, maybe… but not now… I was doing so much thinking, all about you and me… going over all the little details… the nights alone… the fights… the times you kissed me… and I just wanted it all back. I wanted the little details… I wanted the fights… I wanted you… and there you were.”

“Yes I was…"

He shakes his head, remembering everything.

"God, why couldn't it have worked then? All these moments that we could've just made everything ok and we didn't… we couldn't…”

“I tried. I really did this time… I was so sick of lying. I had lied to you… not just about the FBI, but also about how I felt about you. I had lied to Jesse about feeling something for him that wasn’t there… and I had lied to myself, for months. I was sick of it. I just wanted to be. I wanted to feel what I wanted to feel and I wanted to love you without being afraid. I didn’t want to be afraid ever again. So, when you were there, right in front of me, it forced me to own up to everything.”

It had become so clear to her when she saw him standing there. This was her life. He was her life. As though decided for her, a pre-destination if you will, she was only then gaining the inner strength that she needed to accept this fate… her life with him.

“Do you have any idea how much I wanted to believe you? You talked about two people inside of you… that's just like me. My mind was racing back and forth… I loved you, but you hated me… but then, you loved me? I didn’t get it. I wanted to… so much… I wanted to believe you.”

“I know. I know I was saying one thing and doing another all the time… but… didn't you believe me at all that night?”

“I don’t know. You were crying… and I kept thinking that there was no reason for you to say any of this if you didn't really meant it. You were safe; you didn't need my protection anymore… so that part of me believed you. But at the same time, I remember thinking that I could never give you what you wanted… which was a life free of my family. I couldn’t leave them. Not after what I had done to Pilar.”

He fights back the tears as she rubs the side of his face, thumbing at the stubble she's grown to appreciate more and more as the months have passed. Sometimes she wishes that everyone could see her husband the way she does, as an incredibly sensitive man with depths that nobody would suspect. This is a man who would kill for her… who would die for her… who has shown her what "honorable" truly means. A word that meant nothing to her before she met him has now become the one word she would use to describe him to others. Every day of her life, she wonders how she was lucky enough to be the recipient of the kind of love that no human deserves, a love so rich and powerful that it could exist without air, without water, without a heart beating to its rhythm. His love for her is infinite… that much she knows.

“Why? I would think that, especially after having to face everything with her, that you would want to be as far away from the business and your mother as possible.”

“Yeah, well, my logic doesn't always make sense, does it?”

“That’s the truth.”

“Carmen was hell bent on keeping Pilar under her thumb, and if I was going to do anything to prevent that from happening, the only leverage I could use was my place in the family, in the business. So, in a way, when Pilar figured out everything, it made it real. It was easier to just be the mobster that everyone expected me to become rather than pretend like that part of me didn't exist… for Pilar's sake."

"You mean… as long as she still thought that you were just a big brother with a temper, and not working for your mother, you felt worthy? Is that what you're saying?"

"Yeah, kinda… but at that point, it didn't matter anyway. I had to protect her, and I had to do that by using whatever power I had over my mother. So I couldn't leave… not then.”

“That’s why you pushed me away.”

“I couldn’t change, Michelle. If I couldn’t change for my own sister, what made me think I could, or would, change for you? Just because you expected me to?”

“No, because you wanted to.”