The Conversation
      Chapter 17

 

"Well, I didn't mean to."

"What, it was an accident?"

His beaming smile caused an impish giggle to escape. She rubs her stomach as she releases his grasp and leans back to the nightstand for her glass of water from the night before. She takes a sip and offers him the glass. He drinks his share before placing it down on the floor by the bed.

"Thanks."

"It wasn't an accident, no, but it was easy. I don't know, I guess you could say I was just going back to the life I knew, the safe life I knew. The time with you was so… unpredictable. You know, up and down, hot and cold… it was just such an adventure, emotionally, that I guess I just needed something stable, someone that didn't drive me crazy. That was Jesse. So we tried, we tried to be what we used to be."

"I guess it wasn't as easy as you thought it would be."

He's not sure he wants to hear more about Jesse, but he loves his wife, and he wants to know every nuance, every fine distinction of what made her the woman that she is, the woman whose heart has given him the kind of love that he once thought only existed in the works of Shakespeare and Browning. Once thought, that is, until their stars collided on that frigid day nearly two years ago. As a way of reminding himself that her place is with him, he takes her hand, yet again, and twirls her wedding ring around her finger as she answers.

"No, it really wasn't… I think part of me was hoping that it would be, though. I think I was hoping that if I just forced myself to love him again, that it would make you disappear."

She takes her free hand and lifts his exquisite features to match hers. In doing so, she finds not the solemn face that she last saw before it dropped, but a grin so pleasing to the eye it takes every strength she has not to ravage him for the rest of her life.

"I'm a hard man to forget… or so I hear."

"That you are, Mr. Santos."

Her head cocks to the side as she looks at him with adoration. He picks her hand up and places small, yet passionate kisses to each finger, declaring that the feeling is most definitely mutual.

"Seriously, what was it like?"

"You really wanna hear?"

"Well, I don't think I'm too worried about a Michelle-Jesse reunion, if that's what you mean. Yeah, go ahead, what was it like?"

"Horrible… I mean, not Jesse, he was great, he was trying, but it was pretty obvious he didn't love me like he used to, and I knew I didn't love him the same way, either."

"Mmhmm. Was it hard?"

"Being with him and wanting you? Yeah…"

"I will admit, now, that I hated seeing you with him. I hated it."

She leans down to coax his head up, after watching him play with her fingers like a child playing with a brand-new toy on Christmas morning. Without hesitation, he kisses her, unable to stop himself. It's a brief kiss, but just as meaningful and evocative as any other they've shared. It's always the smallest things… the little touches, the kisses on her forehead, the nibbles on his neck, which always signify the amount of pure, unadulterated love that exists only for them. In the moments that they share when nobody's looking, when no words need to be spoken, the magnitude of their devotion to each other outweighs every other movement, every other sound, and every other love. These are the moments they take with them every night as they drift to sleep in the arms of their savior. It's these moments that they will remember long after every other memory fades. These are the moments that matter.

"You sure didn't show it. In fact, you kept saying that I belonged with him."

"And you believed me?"

"I didn't know what to believe. My mind was scattered all over the place. My heart was with you, that's all I knew… but Jesse was there, he was being so sweet and I just had to force myself into thinking that I belonged with him."

"It made sense."

"Me and Jesse?"

"Yeah."

"What do you mean?"

"You two had a connection that we would never share. Listen, I don't wanna talk about that… I just had to force myself into thinking that he was the best thing for you."

"But you never really believed it…"

"No, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that you were safe and happy. I didn't think you could have that with me."

"You know, I'm never happier than when I'm with you."

"Even back then? Do you remember what it was like between us back then?"

"We haven't changed that much, have we? I mean, except for the whole killing me thing…"

"Sure we have. You don't think so?"

"Well, in some ways, of course… the obvious ways. We're a lot more honest now; we trust each other, of course that's all changed. Is that what you're talking about?"

"Not really. I mean, I know that's all changed, for the better, but do you sometimes remember that feeling… before all of that happened… there was this kind of unspoken language we had."

"Had? I could swear we still have it."

"We do, we do…"

"If you're talking about the way we'd look at each other… I remember… I remember all the times we understood each other without having to say a word… I remember how hard it was to get through to each other sometimes…if you're asking me if I miss that, then the answer is no… I don't want to go back to the way things were."

"No, I know… all I mean is that there was that little something between us… even if we were in a room full of people… this little thing that was stronger than anything I've ever felt before."

She lovingly grazes his cheek with the back of her hand before possessing it with her palm.

"Yeah… it's still here, you know."

He takes her hand and nuzzles himself in it… kissing her delicious skin, smelling her familiar lotion, feeling the silkiness that has touched him millions of times, all over his body. The touch of her skin is an addiction in which he willingly indulges. He playfully bites the end of her finger before kissing it and laying his newest toy softly on his lap. There, he quietly and rhythmically strokes it as he answers.

"I know. But back then, it was so new to me… I didn't know what it was, I didn't know how to control it…"

"There you go again, having to control everything. Like, do you remember… um… yeah, the night at Millennium when Pilar had just come to town, remember?"

"Ohhh yeah I do. You were there with Jesse, right? I was… jealous."

"So was I. I had no idea who she was, and you, you didn't make it any easier! You just had to make sure that I thought she was some new, old girlfriend of yours, hm? Mr. control freak."

"Hey, I wasn't the one going upstairs with my ex, if you remember…"

"Yeah, yeah…I… I was trying to love him again, but knowing you were downstairs with her just… I couldn't do it…"

"You couldn't sleep with him…"

"No."

"I gotta tell ya, I was so happy when I saw you run out. I didn't care that you looked miserable… I didn't care. Thinking that you…and him… ok, I'm not even gonna say it. But I will say that when I saw you leave, I had a good feeling that things weren't going well between you two."

"You'd think I'd know that too, wouldn't you? But the weirdest thing… I hated, I mean hated that, that you had that kind of power over me. In fact, I hated it so much, you know what I did? I asked him to move in with me."

"You what?"

"Yeah, the next day. But he made it perfectly clear that that wasn't what he wanted, and honestly, I was relieved. The whole way over there I was trying to talk myself into wanting it, into wanting him, but when we decided to say goodbye… it was sad, but it felt right. And he deserved that much…I had to say goodbye to him… I never really did before. Actually…yeah, that was the night I told you I was leaving to see my father."

"Oh yeah, the mysterious trip to Europe that never happened."

"I really was going to…"

His eyebrow lifts, jokingly questioning her sincerity. She tries to release her hands to swat at him but he doesn't let her go and what results is a large thump of their entwined hands back down onto his lap. He grins because it's one of the few battles he's won on this day. Victory. She willingly gives up one fight, only to win the next… she moves her body and posture so their hands now reside on her lap. Defeat. They smile and laugh at their intimate tug-of-war.

"I was!"

"Uh huh."

"But I started packing and… I kept running into things, little things that I had kept, things that reminded me of you and of Jesse, and I just needed to think, I needed to figure out how I felt about the both of you, and about myself…"

"That was a hard week. You were gone…at least when you were with Jesse, I had a chance of running into you around town…and sometimes that's all that got me through the night, hoping I'd somehow see you the next day, somewhere, anywhere…"

She thinks she knows how much he loves her at times until he says things like this. How could she have gotten so lucky? Or was it luck? Did she dare attribute their fortune to something that, at times, has been blind and dumb? Sometimes, she's still surprised to hear the effect she had on him, and to such magnitude. Yes, she missed him during that week too, but her feelings weren't as clear as his, at least not yet. They were filled with complexity and circumstances, and truths that she wasn't ready to face, until she saw him. She never really knew how he ended up at the lighthouse that night. She wanted to know now, she needed to know…

"What happened while I was gone? You never really talked about it."

"It was tough… I missed you. Everything else in my life was falling apart, and I knew that all I needed was you to make it better. I needed you… but I knew it was over. Ya know, I kept seeing women with blond hair and going up to them, thinking they were you even though I knew better… I was pathetic. I was drinking, and drinking and drinking, I was making some stupid decisions…"

"Like what?"

"I set up this shipment… it's what got me arrested."

"That's right, I had forgotten."

"Yeah, then Pilar started figuring everything out and it was just hell… it was, it was… bad. She was really hurting, and all I ever wanted to do was protect her. She shouldn't have ever found out about us. She didn't deserve that life…"

"No more than you did."

"Yeah… It can't be easy to find out you're a member of a mob family and that you've been lied to your entire life, though. At least I knew the score going in. She just got it all dumped on her without any warning. We were arguing and Bill was there…"

"Bill?"

"Yeah, he had just met her and was worried about her… actually, by then, yeah, the whole week had passed by then. That was day I found you. It was that night… Bill and I had a long talk about… everything… you, Pilar…"

"He's a good guy."

"I was lost, Michelle. I didn't know which way was up. You were gone, Pilar wanted nothing to do with me, I couldn't stand my mother… everything was gone. I didn't know where to go. So I just got in my car and drove, not really caring where I ended up."

"You ended up with me. Why the lighthouse? You didn't know I was there, right?"

"No, I had no idea. I thought you were in Europe somewhere. I don't know why. I guess I just needed to go somewhere that meant something to you… and I didn't think Rick would let me sleep in your bedroom."