The Conversation
      Chapter 11
 

"I think it is," she says softly as she rubs her stomach lovingly.

Both are caught in a daze, as though everything now makes perfect sense. Before them is their soulmate, the one person that exists solely for them. They found each other. That, in itself, was a miracle. That their love created another life is yet another. With dreams and memories in their eyes, they resonate… until Danny snaps himself out of it.

"Let's go to sleep."

"But we're not done…"

"I know, but you need your sleep and tomorrow's Saturday so we can sleep in and just lay in bed all day anyway. You weren't doing anything, right?"

"No, I was going to take it easy this weekend, I've been so busy the last few days…"

"Good, then we'll just be John and Yoko and have our own little sit in on the bed."

When she met him, she never would've guessed. This man, who grew up with violence and darkness for most of his life, has as much wit and sardonic humor as anyone she's ever known. That's a part of him that's only reserved for her. He doesn't dare let anyone else see his silly-ness, and she knows their daughter will never want for laughter because of this.

"Sounds perfect."

She looks at the clock – 3:30am. She makes a trip to the bathroom one last time before making her way back to the bed. The lights are out with only the small lamp by their bed to light her way to her husband. She walks to her side of the bed and sees him lying on his side with her covers lifted, awaiting her arrival. She slips in and backs up into him, allowing him to engulf her with his arms. How life could get any better than this, she has not a clue.

He turns out the light and nestles his face under her ear, gently rubbing her stomach with his right hand. This is a small routine they've gotten into that helps her get to sleep faster when she's restless.

"Goodnight baby, I love you. Both of you."

"We love you," she whispers as her hand joins his. They peacefully fall into slumber, dreaming of each other, as they do every night.

Saturday morning - 9am

With their heavy curtains blocking the sun, they're able to wake up slowly. Their sleep was so deep that they never changed their sleeping position. She awakens to his hand on her stomach and his beautifully scruffy face grazing her neck. She gently reaches up over her right shoulder and scratches his cheek, just enough to make him stir.

"Mmmm… morning."

"Morning… ready for breakfast?" she asks, wide awake.

"Wow, I remember a time when you used to wake up with only one thing on your mind."

He starts kissing her neck as he slowly turns her over to meet him. She giggles as she finds herself lying on her back, sharing their familiar morning kisses.

"I still wake up with only one thing on my mind – the bathroom."

With that, she gets out of bed and leaves him wanting more. He gets up and heads in her direction, yelling through the crack in the door.

"I'll meet you downstairs, I'm gonna start the coffee and breakfast."

"Ok… I think I can make it down in a couple of hours."

"Okay, see ya then, " he says, laughing.

Their playful demeanor is one reason they've always been happy together. He goes downstairs, smiling as he quickly recalls all the small jokes and playful times that his heavenly wife has brought to him. Her capacity for laughing at herself and any situation she's in, whether intentional or not, is one of her qualities that he loves the most.

After another 15 minutes, she joins him as they sit and have breakfast. They quickly look through the newspaper before heading back upstairs, showering and dressing into their casual weekend attire, sans footwear. He's making the bed as she finishes her hair.

"Ahh, much better," she boasts as she puts her tresses into a clip. "Now I just wish I had a snack."

"A snack? After the meal I cooked you?"

"Hey, I didn't even get to eat it all! Someone stole my last piece of toast!"

She walks up to him and puts her hands around his waist, he holds her against him, bending down to kiss her forehead.

"Who? Me?"

"Yes you!" she laughs. "You stole nourishment from your only daughter."

"Are you kidding? You eat like a pig! I was saving her from being crushed from all the food you eat!"

They laugh as they walk over to the bed, hand in hand. He helps her down and makes sure she's comfortable before he crawls up and sits opposite her at the footboard. Just as quickly, he lays on his side, props his head up with his left hand and starts playing with her feet again with his right.

"So, I was in the shower thinking of where we left off last night…"

"Mm hmm?"

"And… I think we need to start with the night I faked my blindness, because there are some things I'm not sure you understand about that night."

"Like what? One minute I'm talking with my grandmother, the next, you're begging me to stay and talk with you and telling me you're blind, what don't I understand?"

"How I was feeling."

"Michelle, I thought we went through this…"

"We can't just keep saying that. It's so much easier now, to understand, but I… we… we need to go back and feel it again."

"I don't have a lot to feel about that night."

"Ok, fine. I do. Can you look at me, please?"

He stops playing with her feet and sits up.

"Sorry. Go ahead."

"Ok… this is right after I heard you talk with your grandmother. Like I said before, I was overwhelmed with all this…"

"Love?"

"Emotion. They were still feelings I wasn't able to admit to. I knew they were there, but I didn't know what to do with them. And then you told me that you had to go meet the shipment and I just knew…"

"Knew what?"

"That I couldn't let you go. Do you remember finding me on the phone in the hallway before?"

"Yeah… weren't you talking with Rick? Oh… I guess you weren't, huh? Since you weren't really going blind, I guess you weren't really talking to him. Who was it?"

"It was Drew. I called her to tell her not to call the FBI."

"You did what?"

"I did. I told her not to call them. I couldn't let you get caught. I tried, Danny. You see? I really tried."

"Then, what happened?"

"She told me she had already called them, and there was nothing I could do. They were already going to be there… so I did the next best thing, I got you to stay away. I wasn't going to let you get hurt."

"Interesting, because that's exactly what I got."

"I know… but just think back. I told you about this later, but I don't think you were listening. But I want you to know now that I was trying… I was trying to protect you."

"By keeping me there… by using… ok, I'm not gonna go over that again. But you knew I'd stay if you were hurt or if you needed me…"

"Yeah, I knew. Especially after what I heard you say earlier. I was desperate. I didn't know what else to do."

He shakes his head in hopes of making sense of the myriad of feelings and flashes of thoughts raging through his head.

"God, Michelle… do you have any idea how worried I was about you? When you had told me about the fire and about losing your sight, I remember when you told me, and I remember seeing how much it scared you. You had told me, do you remember? You had told me that every once in a while, when you don't see something just right, just perfectly, that you… that you have that moment when you think you're going blind again, and I remember how you said that those have been some of the scariest moments of your life. I would've done anything to protect you from that. Anything."

The passion in his voice warms her as though wading through his protective sea. He listened, he cared. Those small moments, the nights before they would go to bed early on in their marriage. He listened, he cared. She never thought he did. Her greatest fears, that small conversation they had the night after they got married. He listened. He cared.

"And I knew it."

"Okay, so you got me to stay away. I guess I should thank you?"

"No. I shouldn't have let it get that far."

"Maybe not, but it did. It happened. We moved on."

"Did we?"

"Well, you did. You kept up the act. You tried really hard to make me believe that your eyes… that you needed to be away from me."

His eyes lower.

"It just worked out that way, with Rick and everything. I didn't plan it, you have to believe me."

"I believe that you didn't plan it… I do… but, um… it just so happened that… um… well, I knew about the raid at the docks that night. I knew that you did it."

"You what? You knew? You knew that night? While I was at the hospital?"

He nods. Her mind races back, trying to remember the sequence of events that followed.

"I… I got out of the hospital the next day… I visited Drew and then I went back to the house… oh god… you knew then… you were acting so strange…"

Her voice drifts off as he begins to feel it all over again. She turned him in. After everything he did for her, after every way he protected her, she betrayed him. He never understood why she was so willing to sacrifice his life for hers, when he had already done that very thing. He's brought back to the present by the stinging of a single tear sliding down his cheek.

"I was given an order, Michelle. I swore to my mother that if you betrayed me… if you failed the test… that I would do what I had to do… that I would make you pay. And as soon as she found out, she called me on it. And so help me God…"

His knees come up to his chest and his hands cover his face.

"So help me… I went to our bedroom that night prepared to do it."

No, not again, she thinks. He was going to do it. He was going to kill her. Despite that notion, she needed to be closer to him. She got up as fast as her little girl would let her and she crawled over to him, kneeling next to him, taking his hands away from himself and making him look at her.

"You wouldn't have… Danny, listen to me… not then… not after everything…"

He takes his hands out of hers and sits up straight, causing her to lean back.

"You wanna know the truth? The truth is… the truth is that I couldn't have hated you more than that moment before I opened the door. I saw you packing and I swear, if you had listened close enough, you could've heard me tear in two. I looked at you, my Michelle, my wife, and saw a traitor. I saw the woman I loved, I did. But I also saw my enemy, someone who used me and was laughing at me."

His tears had a mind of their own as they came pouring out of his shame-filled eyes.

"Danny, I was never laughing at you."

"Just stop. Just… all I needed… I just needed you to tell me. To tell me that you did it. I don't know… I don't know if it would've made a difference… maybe I would've thought that you wanted to be honest with me, like it was you and me against them… but you didn't… you didn't tell me… so it was you against me… oh dammit, Michelle… I just wanted to hold my wife… I just wanted to believe you… If you had just told me…"

"I couldn't! Danny, I loved you. I did. And I knew I hurt you. Do you think I wanted that? Do you really? Do you think I enjoyed watching you hurt?"

"I was supposed to kill you. And part of me wanted to. I wanted you to feel like I did. I wanted you to hurt like I did. I wanted to hurt you."

He wipes his tears away furiously, hating himself for ever having these feelings. She remembers…

"Your hands… around my neck. I didn't understand…"

"I was close, Michelle. So close. But it had to be clean…"

"My god, Danny… I had no idea. I wasn't even scared of you. All of it, the way you held me, the way you looked at me… all I felt was your love. Oh my god…you offered to drive me that day because…"

"Because I was going to kill you."