The Conversation
      Chapter 10
 

“Setting me up? What do you mean?”

Danny gets up off the bed, unable to look her in the eyes at the admission of his mistrust. Yet another small detail that she never knew about is coming to the surface.

In reaction to his sudden movement, she turns herself around and re-adjusts herself, as pregnant women often need to do. She grabs a loose pillow to hold over her stomach as she leans up against the headboard to face him. His hands run through his silky and tussled hair as he makes his way to the dresser. There, he runs his hand over their wedding picture. His hand on top of hers, their secret smiles. If only they could've stayed in that moment, he thinks. Why did it have to get so complicated? He slowly turns around to find his very pregnant and very beautiful angel with patience washing over her face.

“I… remember I told you about those cigars that were coming in a shipment?”

How could she forget? She had set out to try and find something that could bring Carmen down and was told about illegal cigars in a shipment of clothes that were coming the next night. This was the first information she got that the FBI could use to bring down his family. It was hardly a day she could easily forget. She softly squeezes the pillow.

“Of course I do… that was the first time you… when I had called the FBI." It hits her. "Wait, you set me up with that information? You tricked me?”

“I didn’t trick you… it was a test,” he said quietly.

“A test. A test!? I… you set up your own wife. You set me up.”

“Woah, wait a minute. Excuse me, excuse me! Who was turning who into the cops? Who was turning on who? I had to know, Michelle. I had to know, once and for all, if you were on my side or theirs.”

"Your side or theirs? You thought it was that easy? That I could just choose – Danny or the FBI, Danny or the FBI – that wasn't even the choice! You seem to be conveniently forgetting that I was dealing with your mother this entire time. That no matter how much I wanted it to be just you and me, she never let it! I was fighting for my life, for my sanity! I was going crazy! There you were, being so loving and open and honest… I kept doubting whether or not I should go ahead and tell them about this, but then…all I could think about was how miserable I was whenever you weren't around, with your mother or Dietz staring at me every chance they got, and I knew I had to do it…"

He knows how right she is. But this isn't about how they feel now, it's about how they were feeling then, and honestly dealing with those feelings. He pushes the present aside and delves into the past. He walks up to her side of the bed and sits carefully on the edge. She curls her legs up to her side to give him room. Still clutching the pillow, she looks at him with hope. Hope that he can put himself in her shoes and see how she was feeling then. His voice is soft when he answers.

"Ok, ok… but… why didn't you come to me then? Why didn't you tell me how scared you were? I wasn't blind to my mother…"

"Oh come on… maybe not completely blind but you wouldn't have believed me."

"Yes I would, Michelle. At least… I think I would've wanted to…"

"Exactly. But you wouldn't have. That's what it came down to. You still had some big doubts about me, and with good reason… you said it yourself - hot and cold, on and off… you had no idea if you could believe me or trust me. Even I knew that. So, in my mind, all I could do was try and just ignore any feelings I had for you and go on with my plan. It seemed like the right thing to do. As long as you were never hurt…"

The irony of her words felt like a shard of glass through his skin.

"As long as I was never hurt? How was that going to be possible? You knew the FBI wanted me. You knew that and you still agreed to help them, you knew I'd get sucked into this. So how can you say that? You knew I was going down to take care of the shipment that night, you knew I'd get caught if you told the feds about it. Didn't you?"

"Not exactly. You said the shipment was coming – I didn't know you'd be there."

Defeat, snatched from the hands of victory, because of semantics. It was one of her greatest talents that she only pulled out when they were in disagreement.

"That doesn't matter anyway…"

"No, it doesn't. It matters that we were both lying… that neither of us trusted the other enough to put us first. Maybe you didn't want to believe your mother, but she got to you…"

"Yeah she did. But I've thought about it, and I think it was because there was still, at the time, a part of me that never believed that you could love me… that you would inevitably turn on me because… well, not because of you, but because of me."

"What do you mean?"

"Michelle, for the longest time, a part of me never felt like I deserved you… never deserved you to care about me, to love me… never deserved that look you would give me from across the room when nobody was looking. That's why it was always so hard to believe you when you told me that you felt something. I mean, I knew…I did… I knew you loved me. It was as real a feeling as I've ever felt in my life, but there was always a part of me that doubted it… and usually, I let that part of me make my decisions. I would sometimes look at you and see how you… just see how you were and I couldn't help but second guess those looks you'd give me… the looks when I thought you cared."

"Oh Danny…"

"I'm just saying… I'm not saying that it's an excuse, but it probably had a lot to do with why I doubted you. That it wasn't just because of Carmen, although I do think she fed into it as much as possible, to get me to doubt anything good that happened to me. That way, I would stay with her, thinking that that's all I deserved. Nothing more. Nothing like you."

"I guess we didn't trust ourselves, either."

"No, I guess we didn't. All I wanted… all I wanted was to know, to know that you wouldn't turn me in. I let my mother convince me… I didn't want to believe it… you know, part of the test was to show her that you weren't capable of turning me in. I wanted to show her once and for all."

"But you had to know… I guess I failed the test. God, I remember that day… so well… I finally told Drew that day…”

“Told her what?”

She reaches out for his hand, the strong hands that have protected her, the hands that fit so perfectly around hers, the hands that she gets lost in. They intertwine their fingers as she continues.

“That you were getting to me. That you were good to me. I finally said it out loud. It was the strangest feeling to admit it. Like a huge weight had been lifted off of me. Drew saw it… she saw the way I looked at you… the smile I got when you were around… even she saw it…"

"…before I did?"

"Well, you weren't the easiest to convince, no. But then I went back to the house and I overheard you, remember? With your grandmother… you told her you loved me.”

Saying it out loud. He knew how great a burden that was to be lifted off of her because he felt it that day too. His grandmother, the only woman he could trust with his truest feelings, forced him to admit the one thing he didn't want to.

“I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to test you and I didn’t want to love you… but I had to… I had to…they were both out of my hands. I had no choice.”

“I remember that feeling, like it was yesterday… when I heard you say it… “I love her”… I was so happy. So happy.”

“You were?"

A smile so grand that he could get lost in it for days crossed her lips. Basking in the feeling of love she feels for him always has this affect on her. She bites her bottom lip, remembering…

"Oh yeah. I felt so…special. You loved me. You loved me. My Danny. It was different then. I don't know how to… explain this… um, you were sometimes so hard to reach, hard to get a grasp on, hard to figure out. One minute you were so sweet, the next, you could be so mad at me… I didn't know sometimes if it was all a game to you, or a control thing… I was still learning so many things about you. But I never, I never allowed myself to believe that it was all because you loved me."

Small and joyous tears begin to form around her eyes as her smile stays in place. His eyes, fixated on hers, are filled with wonderment. To know how his words felt to her is one of the greatest gifts she could give him.

"But as soon as you said it, and to your grandmother, who I knew you adored and trusted, I knew you weren't lying… I knew you meant it. And as soon as I heard it, it's like I became this different person… I wasn't Michelle Bauer, wife of Danny Santos… I was just Michelle, the girl that Danny loves. I know it sounds stupid, but that's the only way I can explain it. I really was yours, and I finally felt that way. It felt right. Finally."

He instinctively finds himself moving towards her, inching up the edge of the bed. He pulls her close to him and holds her face in his hands before kissing her forehead, her eyelids, her nose and her cheeks. Finally settling, he gives her a lingering kiss on her lips before nuzzling into the crook of her neck.

"I love you so much."

"I love you too," she laughs, as she tries to wipe her tears as he holds her tight.

He pulls back, but not much. He stays within inches of her beautifully raw face.

"No, I mean it. I do. Tonight, all of this, and I know… I know there's more to talk about… but I want you to know, right now, that you… you are the most beautiful person in the world. I know I've told you this before, I know you're probably sick of it, but sometimes I just need to tell you."

Here come the tears again. He ignores them. There are times in your life when you love someone more in that instance than you ever have before. There's no reason for it, it just happens. In that instance, everything becomes lucid and perfect and you know that love in a way that you never thought was possible. In an honest way, in a pure way, in the way that literally could move mountaintops. It gives you strength, and it gives you hope… it banishes all fear, all hesitation, and presents you with the truth.

"I just need to tell you how amazing you are… how special you are… and how I couldn't possibly live without you."

Their foreheads meet as they stay in that position for the next ten minutes, surrounding themselves with their love before she's forced to separate herself by the pain in her stomach.

"Ow!"

"Baby? Michelle? What is it?"

"Oh, no, no, it's ok. She just kicked."

As though the little girl knows that this is a special moment, she has to make her presence known. Michelle's smile grows three times as she takes Danny's hand and places it on their baby girl, a whole new life that was created as a result of their most powerful love. His hand gently feels her taut skin and she moves it around to make sure he feels the full impact. Finally, it happens again.

Their laughter is loud and boisterous as they look at each other. Somehow, this night of truth is putting everything into perspective. Despite the lack of trust, despite the misunderstandings and miscommunications in the past, their present and their future is not built on those doubts. It's built on the foundation that was formed as they got past those problems, as they slowly became one person, one entity, one family.

"Oh man, I'm never gonna get used to this."

"You better! She'll be here soon, and she's gonna need a daddy who's going to do more than just stare at her with awe."

His hand doesn't leave his daughter as he awaits the next movement. A few more come, weakening in strength, before he leans down and kisses her.

"Get some sleep honey," he says to his princess.

He leans back up and sees nothing but pride beaming from Michelle's eyes at this man who has given his life to her.

"This is what it was all for, huh?"