The Conversation
      Chapter 7
 

"Oh no, not that!"

She giggles like a schoolgirl and backs up while he straightens himself up against the headboard.

"Do you know… how much I regretted that little… speech?"

His hands search for hers on his lap. A fondness beaming from his eyes, he remembers the day so well.

"Are you kidding? That was one of the most romantic things you've ever said to me!"

"Now you must be kidding… I don't know what got into me… well, I guess you did. I guess I just couldn't hold it all in anymore."

She begins to mock him as she leans into his ear.

"I… am… a man," she whispers before backing up again. "Like I couldn't tell!"

"I know, I know… I just…oh, okay, question."

"Yes?"

"Who were you on the phone with? Remember? I thought it was Jesse, you swore it wasn't. Who was it? See? All these little things… this is good. Ok, spill."

His cute smile makes her question her answer. Does she tell him? Does she bring up the FBI now? They're enjoying themselves for the moment and she doesn't want to ruin it.

"I… uh… okay, it wasn't Jesse. It was… the FBI."

"You called them from your house? While I was downstairs?"

"I… yeah, I did. But I didn't tell them anything… I was still a little riled up from uh… you know…"

His embarrassed smile greets hers, remembering how nervous he was, how caught up in the moment he found himself that day.

"Rick had just gotten done telling me that I was ruining you… that I was killing your spirit."

"He said that? When? Oh, before I got there. No wonder you were in such a mood. I had no idea."

"Yeah, and I knew that he was right, but it didn't stop me. I needed you to really understand me, where I was coming from… but I never expected it to come out like that."

"It was beautiful. I'll remember it forever. I couldn't even look at you. I just kept thinking about the nights you were describing… how many nights I slept beside you hoping that you wouldn't touch me."

"Hoping? Gee, thanks…"

"No…no! I meant that if you had touched me, I don't know if I could've controlled myself – really. It wasn't anything I wanted to face, but when you sat behind me, and I could feel your breath on my neck, it all hit me."

She closes her eyes and lifts her right hand to her shoulder, remembering the feeling. Her head cocks to the side as though waiting for his breath again.

"I could barely breathe. You wanted me and… and if I could've moved, I would've. If I had just turned around… You made me feel so desirable – you always have. But that day…"

Her eyes open to find him with his mouth agape, eyes bulging at her movements and description.

"That day… you showed me a side of yourself you never had before, you made me feel like I was the only woman in the world."

"You were. You were to me. All I could see was your skin… shaking… all I could think of was how I had hoped you were shaking because of me."

"I was… I was…" she whispers.

"It was all I could do not to touch you. But you had to know. You needed to know… I owed you that much… even if you didn't feel the same."

Her hand cups his chin and rubs her thumb across it, lovingly.

"I told you once that I felt like I've loved you forever, and I do feel that way… I do… I think that I've loved you since the day I was born, I just didn't know who you were. But it wasn't until that day… it wasn't until then that I knew it was you… that was the first day that I started to recognize you as the one."

"All because of what I said?"

"And how you said it. I knew you meant every word. I knew it came from your heart. That was one of the first times you ever really opened up to me… and that was the first time that I had forgotten about everyone else."

"What do you mean?"

"I think that was the day that it really did become about you and me. After that, whatever happened between us was about us, not about anyone else."

"Yeah…"

She intertwines her fingers with his, forming a firm grasp to assure him that she's telling him the truth. She stares at his perfectly manicured nails, remembering how she felt knowing how close he was that day.

"For those few minutes, all I wanted to do was turn around… turn around and…and be with you. It was fleeting, but it was real. I just wanted to lock the door and stay in that moment forever, with you."

"Why didn't you? I mean, we could've avoided a lot of trouble if you had just turned around, you know."

She smiles.

"I couldn't move. You did that to me. Blame yourself! But I did… I wanted it…"

"You sure? You were pretty shaken up afterward."

"As soon as you touched me, I snapped out of it."

He laughs.

"I had no idea… too much to handle, huh? I am good."

"Oh please!"

"I had you weak at the knees!"

"Yeah, sounds like I had you weak everywhere else every single night, buddy!"

"What can I say? You drive me crazy…"

He leans in and starts kissing her neck.

"Hold on, big guy… we're not done here…"

"Aww, man… ok, where were we?"

He leans back onto his pillows, disappointed.

"Let's see… I guess after this we just were getting ready for the wedding, right?"

"Yeah, not the easiest time around the house."

"Hardly. Your mother, giving me her wedding dress… Drew kept coming over and I had to keep Jesse away, he just wasn't giving up."

"I went to him once right before the wedding, did I ever tell you that? To tell him to stay away from the wedding, or else…"

"You did? No, you never told me. Why?"

He looks at her, wondering how such a brilliant young woman could ask such a stupid question.

"Why? To make sure he didn't show up, of course. I knew you were still… unsure about things. I wanted to make sure that we had a good day. I wanted to make sure that you were ok and not put in a bad position if he had shown up."

"Oh, you threatened him for me?"

"Yeah! Ok, well, maybe a little for me."

A slight grin graces his lips.

"That's what I thought."

"Hey, it was my wedding day, too!"

"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting! How about you? How were you feeling that day?"

"Me? Nervous. I didn't want to screw up in front of everyone. I wanted to make sure you were ok – really. I wanted to make sure that my mother and my grandmother were happy and that everyone had a good time… but I was mostly nervous about you."

"What about me?"

"I figured you'd put on a good show, but I almost didn't care about that. I think I was mostly worried because I had no idea how you'd look at me at the altar. If it would be with contempt or with indifference… I knew I was already in love with you, but I also knew you didn't love me, so I didn't want to push you, but I wanted to make it a day you would remember forever."

"I do… I remember it… I was scared to death before the ceremony, though."

"Yeah? That bad?"

"Yeah. I was hoping I could go through with it… I hadn't seen you all day, so I didn't even have your little glances of assurance that I'd started to rely on. I wasn't thinking about you… I was thinking about Jesse and keeping he and Drew and Bill safe. I knew I had to do it. I… I had a plan."

His eyes grow serious.

"A plan? A wedding plan? What kind of plan?"

"I… well… I was going to bring down your family."

A moment of silence invades the conversation. Although he's always known that she was involved with the FBI, it still hurts to hear her talk about it.

"Bring us down… yeah. I guess your mind would be on other things."

"Listen to me… I had to do it. I told Drew to call the FBI and tell them she was my go-between. I wanted her to do it that day, but she never got around to it until later."

"When they showed up at our door…"

"Yes… but it's not as simple as that."

"I have a feeling it was."

"No, not at all. Danny, I wanted to bring down your mother and end the threat that was always over my head, I don't deny that… but it wasn't about you."

"You just said that after that day in your bedroom it was all about us, so how come all of a sudden it was all about everyone else?"

"It was about us, eventually… that's what I'm trying to get at. You were the reason for the good things, the right decisions… they were the reasons for the bad ones."

He looks at her quizzically.

"I'm not making myself clear… ok, there you were, every day, being so good to me. Those very same days your mother would threaten me or I would see Dietz or Jimmy with their guns or whatever… do you know how that feels?"

"I lived that way my whole life Michelle, I knew how it felt."

"I don't think you did. I don't think you know what it's like to be torn in two."

"You think I don't know?"

His voice rises and she scoots back in the bed.

"I know it all too well, Michelle… I was married to a woman who couldn't stand me…"

"Dann…"

"No, let me finish. I loved you, I protected you, and you were miserable and you never made that a secret. No matter how much you tell me NOW that you were having `feelings' for me, at the time, at the time, I thought you couldn't stand me. I thought you blamed me for everything, I thought that all you wanted… was Jesse. But I still loved you, against my better judgment. My mother, my family, my job, all of that went against everything you stood for, everything you were. I was living my life for two different worlds. Yours and theirs, but never mine!"

"I know… I know… I just… you lived with the danger growing up, all your life. Guns, beatings, it was normal for you. You may not have liked it, but you were used to it. I wasn't. I'd never seen a gun before in my life before you… Killing, in my world before I met you, was not something we did to someone we disagreed with. But for you, in your family's world, it was the way they solved all their problems. That's not normal!"

"I know that. You think I don't know that? It wasn't me, that's what I'm trying to say. I tried to make you happy… I tried to make them happy… "

"But it never made you happy."

"That day… our wedding day… was the first day in my life that I remember being truly happy. And it was all because of you."

Love is beaming from his eyes as he picks her left hand and kisses her wedding ring.

"You were so excited… I remember that look in your eyes as I walked down the aisle."

"And you were the most beautiful woman I'd seen in my life. Even if all you were thinking about was Jesse."

He lowers his head and she ducks down to make eye contact with him, bringing it back up with hers.

"You know, I want to tell you how I felt when I walked down the aisle…"

"Why does it matter?"

"It matters a lot, Danny… it matters because… because that was the day that I knew I loved you."