The Conversation
      Chapter 4
 

"What? Drew? She told you? How? Why? Oh my…"

She's livid. Her eyes grow an extra size and her mind is racing with feelings of betrayal and confusion. He reaches out and smoothes her cheek, forcing her to look him in the eye.

"W-wait a minute sweetie, I never told you this?"

She shakes her head, unable to speak for the moment.

"Wow, I guess I just always thought you knew or I told you or whatever, yeah, that night at Millennium, she told me she could tell me who killed Mick, so of course I wanted to know."

"Oh my god. I can't believe this, what did she say?"

He pauses for a second, taken aback slightly by her anger.

"What did she say!?"

"Okay, okay, I kept pushing her, I was anxious to know what she had to say. I figured she would say it was Jesse, and when she denied it, she was getting hysterical, she couldn't control herself. She started crying, which just got me… well, let's just say I'd had enough. Finally, she said it. She said you did it."

"She just said that I did it? She didn't say she was there at all?"

"Honey, if you remember correctly, a few months ago I was just a little bit angry to find out that she was there, I had no idea. She never said a word about being there. Not then, not ever, not until she got up on that stand. Jesus, I can't believe her. It's all making sense now."

"It is? Can you fill me in, please?"

"You said Jesse left town to protect you, right? To throw me off your trail?"

"Yeah." It hits her. "Oh… she… she knew you needed a target, and she knew that Jesse was leaving to protect me! She gave you my name so he would stay, so he would stay with her after you killed me! I don't believe this."

"Actually, it sounds just about right. Always putting herself first, that's our Drew."

"What else did she say, anything else?"

He thinks carefully back to that confrontation and takes a minute to remember exactly what she said.

"Anything?"

"She did tell me that he was attacking you, that he was going to rape you, but I didn't know what to believe at that point. And, well, she seemed surprised."

"Surprised about what?"

"That… that I still had every intention of getting rid of Mick's killer. I… I think she was hoping that I cared enough about you not to hurt you."

"Oh, please. You're telling me that she gave you my name because it was the best-case scenario? That she was just hoping and praying that you would find it in your heart not to shoot me in the back of the head and throw me in a river?!"

He hates hearing her talk like this, as though it could've really happened. His throat tightens at the mind picture she describes before he finally clears it and tries to explain.

"I guess so. I don't know. Drew wasn't exactly my first priority that night, so I really couldn't have cared less what her motives were at the time."

"She threw me to the wolves, Danny! She hung me out to dry! Use any cliché in the book and she did it!"

Michelle gets up quickly, needing to stomp this anger out of her system. Before she gets out of reach, Danny keeps his grip on her hand as tight as he can to ensure her reasonable proximity. He swings his legs over the side of the bed and pulls her back, gliding her onto his left knee. She reluctantly does so and turns toward him.

"Aren't you mad? Can't you see what she did?"

"Babe, I hate her for what she's done to you, you've gotta know that. She was there that night and she never fessed up until a year later when she was forced to. Frankly, I never knew why you two were friends in the first place, but I always supported you when you wanted to make up with her. But no, I'm not surprised."

"I know, but…"

He pulls her tighter and leans his chin on her shoulder. He talks softly, hoping to calm her nerves.

"But… she's gone now. She and Jesse are long gone. I think you made it perfectly clear when they left that there was no place for her in your life. Don't give her the satisfaction of getting on your last nerve now. She doesn't deserve that much attention. She never has."

"I know you're right… but it just…sorry…"

"No, go ahead, I want to hear anything you have to say."

She settles more comfortably on his knee, putting her right arm around his shoulders.

"It's just that… I could never do that. How can someone do that? I don't understand. I protected her, for a year! All because she wanted Jesse. That's all this was about. Ahh! Ok, I'm not gonna think about her anymore. I just have to accept that I will never understand why she did some of the things she did."

"Okay… you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah."

She places a small kiss on his temple and holds him tight. He squeezes her as much as possible without getting in the baby's way. He pulls her back and looks into her eyes.

"You're amazing."

She's learned by now not to answer these unanswerable compliments he adorns her with every day. She's tried his patented retort, `I know', but it just doesn't sound the same coming from her. She's tried `thank you' but that makes her sound pretentious. She's even tried `not as amazing as you' but that just comes off as corny. So she just smiles a knowing smile and lets him bask in her happiness, for he does the same when it's her turn to shower him with those very same compliments. It's one of those small conversational non-spoken understandings they've mastered in their short time together.

After spending a few minutes loving each other in silence, his calm voice sounds like thunder.

"You know we have to talk about it."

She pulls her forehead away from his and looks into his deep and longing eyes.

"I know," she whispers.

She pries herself off of his knee and they re-arrange themselves on the bed. He makes sure her back is being supported by the extra pillows as he climbs in next to her, not before getting them each a glass of water from the bathroom. It's 2am, and they've barely scratched the surface. He sees the clock.

"Are you tired?"

"No, not yet. You were right, we have a lot to talk about. And I know we have a long way to go."

He takes her hand again gently. He's always amazed at the strength this woman possesses when he looks at her small and delicate hands. Her wedding ring looks so big, he thinks.

"Do you want a bigger wedding ring?"

"What? No! I love this ring!"

She lifts up her hand to showcase the gold band that gleams in his eyes.

"This ring, mister, has been through a lot. It means almost as much to me as you do."

She laughs, amused at her own joke. He smiles. Another thing to love about her – her inability to tell a joke.

"Well, it's not like you got it under the best circumstances."

The tone in the room grows serious. He wants to talk about their first wedding, and the events that led to it. She doesn't want to beat around the bush this time. Instead, she dives right in. She goes back in time to remember one of the worst nights of her life.

"That night… I said goodbye to Jesse. I thought he was only leaving for a few days, so as far as I knew, everything was ok. But it wasn't. Far from it."

"I ran out to find you as soon as Drew told me. I was beside myself. You, this woman who I… I… I was furious. You lied to me. You looked me in the eye and told me that none of you had anything to do with Mick's death. All I wanted was to… I don't know… I don't know. All I knew is that you had to pay. If I didn't kill you, somebody else would."

"How would they have known, Danny? Tell me. I never understood that part. If Drew only told you, how could they have still come after me?"

"You were all going to die that night anyway, Michelle. Remember? Dietz? He would've done it too, in a heartbeat. He didn't care what happened to you. He didn't care if Mick had attacked you. He really would've shot you in the back of the head and left you in the river. I couldn't let him do that to you."

The tears he hopes are gone for the night, find their way back to his throat, threatening to escape.

"If you were going to die that night, it would be by my hand, not his. Not his."

Her eyes are glued on the top of his head, for he can't bear to look at her right now as the realization sets in.

"You had every intention of killing me, didn't you? You would've done it. You could've done it."

His guilt forces him to look at her. The force of her fingers lifting his chin didn't hurt, either. But he continues to avert direct eye contact. How can he look at her and tell her that he was going to blow her brains out? His wife… the mother of his unborn child…the woman he lives for…the woman he would die for. How could he?

"It doesn't matter now."

"Yes. It does. Tell me."

She's determined now. He can't win when she's like this. His eyes finally meet hers. There's detachment in her eyes, though her fingers are still intertwined with his on her lap. In her eyes, he sees the truth, the truth that he can no longer run from. His lip trembles, his breath shakes and tears fall from his weary eyes as he admits the one thing he never wanted to believe.

"Yes. I could've. I could've killed you that night."

Her eyes leave his as she lowers her head. He could've killed her. He would've. Her husband… the father of her unborn child…the love of her life…her protector. How could he?

Her eyes meet his again and plead for answers. She tries to find the strength to speak, but her heart is in her throat and it takes everything in her not to get off the bed and walk away from this conversation. She doesn't. She stays.

"I…"

"But the truth is… baby, the truth is… if they had heard one gunshot that night, they would've heard two."

Her head jerks up, hair strewn about her tear-soaked face.

"No."

"One for the back of your head… and one for the temple of mine…"