The Conversation
      Chapter 3
 

"What happened then?"

"For just a second, for the smallest second, it all left me when I saw you. But then you looked at me, and that fear was there, and it brought me back…"

"And you didn't believe us at all…"

"No, well, I mean, at the time I could read you all like a book. It was obvious that Drew was hiding something, I knew Jesse was, too, he kept repeating himself. You were quiet until… oh… what was it? Do you remember the first thing you ever said to me?"

"Uhhhh…oh, something about what happened to Mick was terrible, right?"

Their eyes lock.

"Yeah. The only compassion I felt that whole night came from you, from a stranger. I remember that."

"I remember you coming to talk to me while I was studying. It was the first time you really looked at me. You were fishing for information… with a glass of water."

"You were beautiful. You are beautiful."

She blushes as she looks down, examining his long fingers. The blush leaves her as she looks back up at him, with a hint of sadness.

"I was scared. I didn't know what you wanted. I didn't know if you were gonna find out and if you did, what you would do to me if you knew…"

"I scared you…"

This is the part he needs to hear, the part he never wanted to hear, the part he accepted, but never wanted to see in her eyes. Her eyes aren't scared now, though. He tries to find some semblance of comfort in that fact, but it grows increasingly difficult as she continues.

"Everything scared me. If it wasn't you, it would've been my own shadow. You knew who my teacher was, and in that moment I thought `oh my god, he knows everything and he's stalking me,'… all the things Drew said came rushing back - drug dealers, killing, everything. You did scare me then. You did."

With that, his head sinks, thinking back to that night. His recollection was different. He saw a kindness in her eyes from that first night, a kindness he was never able to escape from. A kindness that always drew him back to her, a kindness that made him feel like he had found a haven. He shakes himself out of his memories to listen fully to hers.

"Your eyes, I remember how sad they were, how desperate. I always remembered that look. They softened as you talked to me, about Mick, ironically enough. They weren't hard anymore. And that scared me, too."

"Why?"

"Why? I didn't know you. I didn't know how you could look at me like that, like you knew me. That scared me. You weren't supposed to know me. Especially when I barely knew myself."

His heart lightens. She felt it too. She started to drift off into her own thoughts, almost unaware of his presence.

"Everything was set for me, everything was going as planned, until… I was with Jesse, and he loved me. I was going to school, everything was ok. I mean, Drew kept going after him, but that was nothing compared to what happened with Mick. And then you…"

Her eyes drift back to him, capturing the memories, not wanting to let them go.

"It would be so easy for me to tell you that Mick changed everything, but he didn't. You did. I don't know how, but I probably could've kept everything a secret for the rest of my life if it wasn't you…"

"What do you mean?"

"You were there, all the time. Everywhere I turned, everywhere I looked, you were there. Thanksgiving…"

She remembers trying to throw him off their track. He remembers how he knew she was lying. Like a jackrabbit, he thinks. Again, a slight smile graces his lips before he remembers what happened later.

"You all thought I kidnapped those kids."

"Lizzie and Marina, yeah. I… looking back now I know that you could never do such a horrible thing, but at the time…"

"…At the time, you didn't know me. At the time, I was the likely suspect, I know. I expected it from everyone else, though, not from you, no matter how little you knew me. Part of me wanted you to be able to look at me and just know that I couldn't do it."

"I'm sorry."

Her eyes attempt to hold him against her heart.

"Tonight isn't about apologies, ok? I know, Michelle, I know that it took a long time for us to feel the same way about each other at the same time. I know… But on the beach that night, I hoped you could connect with me. I hoped…"

Her thoughts leap from sympathy to the memories of how he treated her that night. All these questions came to mind. Almost as though it's not herself asking, she quickly turns on him. He was right, there were a lot of unresolved issues and unanswered questions that she needed to know.

"Then why were you toying with me? Why were you yelling and screaming and throwing me around?"

His eyes dart to hers in shock.

"I was not throwing you around. I was so enraged, Michelle. I was… I knew you knew something. I just knew it. But you kept denying it, you just kept saying you didn't know. I just needed to know what happened, and you couldn't, no you didn't tell me. I needed to know, and you didn't care."

His grip on her hands tighten.

"When was I supposed to care? Between the threats and the innuendoes? Danny, you were threatening Jesse, you were scaring me, I didn't know what else to do. I felt myself losing every sense of myself. I would've told you, you have to believe that, if I was alone that night. At that point, I would've rather had you kill me than have to live with what I did all alone."

She breaks down, tears now consuming her cheeks. His heart reaches for her again, like it did that night on the beach. His fingers continue to massage hers in re-assurance.

"You told me that night that Jesse never knew what Mick did to you. Do you know…"

She lifts her head, eager to know how her husband felt during a time when they barely knew each other.

"…I wanted to kill Mick myself after you said that. I would've. Just the thought, the idea… I was willing to believe you…and then Jesse showed up."

His eyes search hers for some kind of hidden joy, instead finding a loss. A loss that incurred as a result of his brother, his blood. An incident that happened because he couldn't - wouldn't - stop it from happening. Quickly, her eyes turn. Remembering that night, she remembers the feeling… as though standing on the edge of her own life, she was looking out and saw nothing, nothing but pain. His heart falls again, knowing his part in that pain.

"I scared you," he said under a whisper.

"Stop saying that."

"It's true. I just wanted you to tell me what he did to you. I had to know what he did to hurt you so much, and there I was, hurting you, too. God, that must've just… god…"

She quickly gets up onto her knees, as quickly as her stomach lets her, and while never breaking their physical contact through their hands, she sits next to him as her right hand drapes around his slouched shoulders.

"Listen to me, ok? Listen to me. You had no idea, Danny. None. You didn't know, and I should've told you. I have never blamed you for any of this. Despite what I would tell you day in and day out…"

He laughs as he remembers all the fights, all the times she did just that, blamed him, even if it wasn't a direct hit. She caresses his shoulder as she lets a laugh get the best of her as well.

"… ok, yeah, I did that a lot. But I'm serious. I knew, especially after we were married, just how trapped you were in all of this, too. You mentioned the first time you kissed me, remember? I remember it like it was yesterday…"

"The diner."

She turns back around to face him, both with smiles of remembrance on their faces.

"Yeah, Jesse… he was talking to you, I remember, he was trying to apologize to you, and you, you barely looked at him."

Her eyes look deeply into his. She lifts her right hand and gently strokes the side of his face with the back of her fingers, remembering the look.

"You looked at me. He was talking to you, and you were looking at me. With these eyes, I remember… god, I remember how it made me feel."

He takes her hand and kisses it gently before he places it back down between them, in his. She closes her eyes, as though basking in the moment again. Her body awashed with the memory.

"How?"

"Like…like I was yours. And you knew it."

A smile breaks across his face as she opens her eyes.

"I did. And you did, too."

"I didn't want to. I was so determined to make you nothing more than a temporary nuisance."

She grins back at him, teasingly.

"That didn't last long, did it? I mean, uh, I wasn't going away."

"No, no you didn't. That kiss… tell me."

"Ahhhh. Michelle, I won't lie to you. I wanted you. But…"

"But… you were using me."

He hated how well she knew him. Even in hindsight, she knew. No matter how much he wanted to turn that kiss into something romantic, he couldn't lie to her.

"To a degree, yes. I knew you were the weak link, and I preyed on that. But the reason I knew that you would break before the others is because I knew you were different. I felt it. You weren't like them. You never were. So I tried to get to you, any way I could. I knew there was something between us. I could feel it every time you looked at me. And in the diner, when I looked at you…"

"I didn't look away. I couldn't."

"And I took advantage of that. If it meant that I got to kiss that mouth of yours in the process, all the better."

That grin. He flashes it to her and despite what he's telling her, that he used her feelings for him to get what he wanted, she can't help but smile at his deviousness. Mostly because she knows that it's one of the qualities she loves most about him. That little devil inside that keeps her on her toes. And he knows it, too.

It only lasts for a moment, however, when her thoughts turn.

"What did you tell your mother this whole time? What was going on with her?"

"Ahhh, my mother. She… she kept on me every day, she kept telling Dietz to remind me every day to find whoever did this and do the job. Do the job. Every day. It was getting to me. That's when I was following you everywhere, I guess, yeah, around Christmas."

Her thoughts turn cold. One of the few times that Danny himself scared her to death, that look came flooding back. She closes her eyes and winces at the thought. He notices.

"What is it, baby?"

"That day… you gave me that… that gift."

He remembers. Not one of his finer moments, he knows. He exhales deeply.

"The picture. I…"

He begins to apologize, then remembers what he said earlier. No apologies.

"That scared me, Danny. Following me, taking pictures of me, and you said, oh what was it? That you just wanted to make sure I didn't forget you? Why did you do that?"

"I was getting it from every side, Michelle. My mother, Dietz, myself… you were close, I knew you were. I knew I was getting to you. But you were so tough. You were always fighting it, fighting me, fighting back. As frustrating as that was, it was something I loved, too."

"You did?"

"Yeah, even if I did scare you, you never backed down from me. Never. You never have, and I know now that you never will."

His smile was full of love.

"Dietz, though, he was always there. He knew I suspected that you guys had something to do with it, and he told me… he said that if I didn't take care of it soon, he would kill all four of you."

"Are you serious? Just kill us even if he didn't know?"

"Yeah. Sometimes, in my family, suspicion was enough."

"What happened then?"

"I had to find out what happened, I had to. If it was Jesse, if it was Bill, whoever, I had to find out what you were hiding. Dietz gave me one last chance. End it that night or else… and my only thoughts went to you."

"You wanted to protect me." He nods. "You always protect me…"

"I always will. That night, though, it was so mixed up in my head. I had to do something, but I had to protect you, so when I found out it was you… I lost it. I couldn't believe it. But I did. It made sense…"

He's talking a mile a minute and suddenly she feels a question come into her mind that she never thought to ask.

"Hold on… how did you find out? You never told me how you found out it was me."

"I didn't? Drew told me."