Trust Me
      Chapter 9
 

Carmen walked into the family room thinking she would find the old lady watching her favorite soap opera. Two or three times a week the hour between between 3 and 4 o'clock had become a habit between the two women. To Carmen this time represented a breather and gave her some sense of normalcy in a life that had become chaotic. Over the course of a cup of coffee and some pound cake they would discuss anything and everything, yet refrain from entering into areas that would lead to a disagreement. These conversations grounded Carmen. They gave her back, at least for one hour, a chance to be like every other woman. It removed her from the life she hadn't chosen for herself.

Sitting down on the beige, leather sofa Carmen wondered if her Mother in law wasn't feeling well. Since Pilar's death their meetings had been infrequent and Carmen had begun to miss them.

She was determined to spend the hour alone away from the business, so she leaned back into the comfort of the couch and closed her eyes. Many important things had happened recently and she needed time to digest it all. The room being empty gave her that opportunity. As she drifted off into a light slumber she smiled remembering Danny's resolve to be the one to avenge his sister's death. Things were looking up. Not even Michelle could stop him now.

The family room was immense. Carmen was in the Television area. The large screen TV dominated the area that included a state of the art sound system and was decorated in light, relaxing earth tones. There were three recliners and two sofas including the one Carmen was dozing on. Across the room was a full bar that was also a soda fountain. The wood paneled bar was accented with ten bar stools. There were two round tables that sat six people each. Many of the children's birthday parties had been celebrated in this room. Dividing the bar from the Television area was a pool table. Two doors lined one of the walls. Behind one was a full bathroom. The other led to a sound proof music room.

Michelle sat on the floor of the music room. The speakers blaring,

"...But then someday comes

tomorrow holds a sense of what I fear for you in my mind

As you trip the final line

And that cold day when you lost control

Shame you left my life so soon

You should have told me

But you left me far behind..."

{--Far Behind by K.Martin (Candlebox)}

Numb. She felt paralyzed by the fear in her heart. She was losing him. In her mind she knew that many times her love, their love had won, yet this time, she had no hope. Drowning out her feelings with the music, that was the only thing she knew to do at the moment. Danny had made his choice. Together they were supposed to be invincible. For a long time now they had been operating as two separate people. Not working towards the same goals. It would have been wonderful to continue to believe that they had a common cause, but that was a fallacy. She had left him with Ray wishing that Ray's faith would make an impression on Danny.

Danny's family, his heritage was a force in and of itself. The pull was so strong. She could feel the power it held over them. Michelle had believed that she could fight it, and when she had found Danny and he had found her, she had believed they could fight it together. It was all an illusion. Like the oasis in the middle of the desert, Michelle had seen their freedom. There was no freedom for them. Danny would never be free.

It wasn't easy living up to the expectations, hopes and dreams of the people you loved. She supposed that Danny, just like anyone else, felt that urge to make his mother proud. Wasn't it natural to want to fulfill the expectations of others? Wasn't it right to make the dreams of those who love you come true? In her life she had known many times when the disappointment of her mother and her father had been scarier and hurt more than their anger ever could. She knew Danny lived that day in and day out. Rejecting his family was disappointing to his mother, she realized that, but, in her heart, she knew that Danny's battle was more about his father's disappointment. Danny was answering the call. His mother's dreams were coming true. He was becoming the Santos she had always envisioned.

She pulled her legs closer to her body and rested her head on her knees. The music cleansed her. She could feel the beat vibrating in her body and it comforted her. It was better than listening to her heart pounding to the rhythm of fear. She was afraid and she hoped that Ray was getting through to him. Would Ray tell Danny she had called? Would he be her ally?

The CD changed and she smiled as she heard the first notes of "Slide" begin to play. Her eyes filled with tears as she remembered the night Danny had gotten her out of the psych ward at Cedars. She had felt so sick from the sedative. He had helped her change into a T-shirt and boxer shorts and then she had spent the night in his arms. Tired, but not sleepy Michelle had asked Danny to tell her stories. After they had exhausted all of Danny's repertoire he had kept her entertained by singing to her. The radio was on in the background and he would sing along softly whispering the words in her ear, making her laugh and giggle.

"...And I'll do anything you ever

Dreamed to be complete

Little pieces of the nothing that fall

May put your arms around me

What you feel is what you are

And what you are is beautiful

May do you wanna get married

Or run away..."

{Slide John Reznik (Goo Goo Dolls)}

Michelle had turned to Danny at the end of the song and said, "Run away." Danny had said, "Okay". Then she had told him about her childhood fantasy about getting married at Laurel Falls. The next day he had made her fantasy come true.

That is what is important. Right? She could make Danny happy. He could make her happy. They were meant to be together. He healed her soul. He made her complete. Didn't she do the same for him? He believed in their dream to make the Santos name mean something good. He wanted those things didn't he? She didn't recognize the man who had stood in front of her and admitted that he would kill another man. It wasn't to be an accident or self defense. Danny was willingly going to seek out and murder someone. To top it off he had declared he was doing it for her. He was going to kill for her. She wished she could understand him. She wished she could tell him what it meant to take a life. She wanted him to understand how it felt. How could she? How could she tell him more about killing his brother? Explaining it once had been hard enough. Could she give more details? Should she? Would he feel the same about her?

She closed her eyes and let the music envelope her body. She wrapped herself in the sound.

Danny had sat in his office and tried to make sense of everything. Ray, the one person, other than Michelle, who believed in him and knew him, had made it clear that he couldn't and wouldn't support him. Had he gone too far? Had he made decisions based on what he thought was expected of him? Ray had made one thing clear to him. He did not want to lose his wife.

There was still the problem with Dietz. He could let someone else handle things for now. A decision did not have to be made immediately. He could mull over the situation. He needed to buy himself some time. Michelle had trusted him. She had been confident that they could build a life together. He had even bought into her fantasy. Their life away from the ugliness of the Santos family. The violence would be a thing of the past. The crimes would end. Their family would be honest, caring, and mainly trusting. Everything his family and the Santos name was not. They were going to change it all. Together. The night his mother told him about Dietz was the night he had come back to reality. He couldn't just leave. He couldn't turn things around. There were generations of Santos legacy to over come and he couldn't do it.

His mother would never give him a break. She hadn't made things easy and she wasn't going to. That was obvious. He'd seen the glee on her face when he'd fought for the right to make Dietz his personal problem. She revelled in the knowledge that she had him right where she wanted him -- by her side. The man of the house. Daniel Santos, heir to the Santos throne. Everything Michelle hated about him.

Ray considered finding Michelle and talking to her. Her pain was vivid to him. He felt agony and knew it personally. Deciding it was better to distance himself a bit from the situation, he left a message with one of the maids to tell Michelle that he would be at the house the following morning, if she still needed him.

For now, he wanted to go back to the rectory to contemplate all that had transpired between Danny and himself. He had seen Danny's anger. He knew that Danny had wanted to lash out at him. It was no longer a question of whether or not Danny held it against him that he had left him alone to face the Santos way of life. He hated himself at the moment. He loathed the man he had become to save himself from exactly what was happening to Danny. It was ironic. He was a good man. He had committed himself to a righteous life. He had taken the correct path. Yet, all of this meant nothing when he saw the truth of everything in his cousin's face. Danny was carrying the weight of the Santos name on his shoulders. Mick was never an accomplice. He had done things his own way. Ray felt he should have been there for Danny. He had let his cousin down and in doing so he had let himself down too.

Danny was trying to be all three of them. Mick, the one with no soul. Heartless, vengeful Mick. He could crush the life out of anything or anyone who stood in his way. Ray, the one with a conscience. Honesty, truth and virtue all wrapped up in the neat little packaging of a priest. Danny the responsible one. Loyal, honorable and the protector. Danny's inner conflict and turmoil caused Ray a pain that made him want to cry out. When he thought of it he saw the three of them as innocent children who had no idea that life would lead them this way. How had they managed to become these people?

He would keep his promise to his cousin. Ray would help Danny protect Michelle, by any means possible. He knew that there could be a conflict between his vows and this promise, but he had to do it. He had to help. Just like the Santos legacy had come calling for Danny, he heard it calling him too. He wondered how it would end. He left the house, but, that night, it never left him.

Danny decided to go to the family room before he went upstairs to their bedroom to face Michelle. A game of pool would calm him he reasoned, but he knew he was stalling, biding his time.

The family room was empty. He went to the bar and grabbed a bottle of tequila and a shot glass. The liquor went down harsh, but felt good. He needed to feel nothing. That was his mission. For a couple of hours he was going to feel nothing. He brought the bottle to the the table and served himself another shot. Bending down he began to bring the balls up to the table.

 He racked the balls and grabbing the white cue ball he walked around to the other end of the table taking a cue stick with him. He set the ball down and bent over the table and put all the power behind his stroke. The balls broke in all directions.

The sound woke Carmen from her slumber. She sat up and fixed her rumpled dress. Checking her watch she realized it was after four o'clock. Standing up she saw that Danny was alone. She walked to the table. He realized she was there, but said nothing.

"How are you Daniel?"

"Fine."

"I was very proud of you today."

He positioned himself and sunk the 7 ball fast and furiously.

"Ha. Proud.", he shook his head and found it strange that the words that would normally make anyone else stand up straighter made him feel like slumping to the ground.

"Daniel, you should feel good about this. We, your family, depend on you. Your actions have spoken volumes. You've taken your rightful place."

The ball Danny had just hit spun wildly across the felt and bounced off the pocket.

"You know mother, you can save it. I came here to not think. It's best if you just leave." His eyes never left the table. He had yet to look her in the face.

"Why shouldn't I speak the truth. You should know these things and you should feel pride. You have begun to prove yourself to be a Santos. Your fulfilling your destiny. All of this...", her arms opened wide, "it is yours. I knew you would take your place. It's been yours and finally you are realizing it."

"Stop it." he pointed the cue stick at her and his eyes flashed angrily. "I don't need or want to hear this."

"This is about Michelle isn't it."

"It's not about Michelle. Leave her out of it." He threw the stick down on the table and poured himself another drink.

"Always the protector."

"Mother leave. Now." he picked up the bottle of tequila and the shot glass turned and walked towards the music room.

Carmen watched his retreat and realized that Danny wasn't ready yet. It would take time for him to see things for what they were. She was willing to bet that he was far enough on her side though.

She didn't hear the door open. The music resonated against the walls. He stood in the door way and saw her her there. He walked towards her and sat down in front of her. He placed the bottle between them. Her hair fell over her face and he reached out to push the stray hairs behind her ears. As her face was uncovered she looked up at him. Her tear stained eyes broke his heart.

The music stopped. The silence was loud.

He picked up the bottle and served her a shot. Handing her the glass their hands brushed against each other. He looked on as she leaned her head back and swallowed the golden liquid, grimacing as it made it's way down her throat. He placed his fingers on her throat. She felt warm.

The music began again. Her hand came up and she laced her fingers through his. He sighed.

They both leaned in and their foreheads met. The melody washed over them...

"...So don't leave me

And I know you're justified

So don't leave me

Cause a part of you in me died

We wish ourselves beautiful

We cry in the night

And it's not the love you feared

But the fall from the height..."

 (Ghosts of Jackson Square by Edwin McCain)