Before & After
      Secrets
 

Michelle's Story

"That's how it started." Michelle said. She turned from the window returning from the dreamlike state her memories had put her in. She doubted her words had captured the essence of that fateful meeting. In her mind she had seen it happen as if it were a play or a movie, but she knew that her description was no where near the perfection that was her memory.

"Well, how do you feel?" Doctor Peterson asked.

How did she feel? How do you explain that eight years had done little to erase the touch of the cool night air on your skin, the taste of the harsh tequila going down your throat, the smell of the flowers, the sound of his deep voice, the look in his eyes? How do you begin to make someone, other than him, understand the meaning of that night and what it felt like to reminisce about it so many years later?

"Michelle?" Doctor Peterson coaxed her.

"You know Doctor, this was a mistake. I...uh..." Michelle grabbed at her jacket strewn over the end of the elegant sofa. "Thank you, but...I'll just settle my bill and be on my way."

"Michelle. You came to me. I think I can help you. I really do." The Doctor stood up and walked to her. Placing her hand on Michelle's arm she tried comforting her.

"Doctor Peterson, I've tried to come to terms with my life. I'm a Doctor. I have accomplished what I set out to do. Talking about him and remembering won't help me." , she moved away from Doctor Peterson.

"Don't be so quick to judge. This is your first session. Give it time.", The Doctor tried reasoning with her. She knew that the first session for most patients was the hardest. She could see that Michelle Bauer was troubled and she was interested in knowing more about this young women's intriguing past.

Michelle sighed and shook her head. "This isn't for me. Thank you. Thank you for your time." She half-smiled and finished adjusting her jacket.

After paying her bill she walked out of the Doctors office into the bright, loud streets of New York City. She made her way down Fifth Avenue. As she passed one of the shops she saw her reflection in the window. She barely recognized the person looking back at her. She fixed her hair and stared back at the wide brown eyes. It was after six o'clock and she had to get home. Her hand shot up hailing a cab. She gave the driver the address and sat back into the seat. The traffic was impossible. Walking would be faster, yet the time in the cab would help her collect her thoughts. Her eyes closed and the memories began again...

Three weeks after the encounter she found her life even more upside down then had been before. She hadn't seen him again and she hadn't told anyone about him. Her family wanted to know what she was going to do at the end of the summer. Her boyfriend wanted to have sex. She didn't know what she wanted.

He hadn't left her thoughts. His identity remained a mystery and it was her secret. He invaded her dreams. Every night she would go to sleep knowing she would find him there. The visions were different, but all ended the same. He would stare at her and then he would kiss her, passionately, like she had never been kissed before. She would wake up sweating and out of1 breath.

The night before had been much of the same. She had woken up, drenched in perspiration, and had been unable to fall asleep again. Finally, she had slept when the exhaustion proved itself to be stronger.

"Michelle. Wake up sleepy head."

She heard his voice and smiled. She reached for him and pulled him down to the bed, wanting him closer. Her arms wrapped around him. She pulled at his shirt, un-tucking it from his pants. The stubble on his chin scratched at her neck. She turned her head searching for his mouth. "Hmmmm..." She desired him. Her mouth opened to his lips.

"Hey! You haven't brushed your teeth."

Her eyes flew open and she gasped. "Bill!"

"Yeah. It's me! Who did you expect?" He squinted at her trying to read her expression.

"What time is it?", She sat up and hopped off the bed distancing herself from him.

"It's nine o'clock. We're supposed to leave in fifteen minutes. Why can't you ever be on time?"

"Give me a break." she responded angrily.

"Hey. Don't bite my head off. Shit! You are unbelievable. What's gotten into you lately?"

"Nothing! " her answer came too quick.

"Well, get ready. I'm going downstairs. Your Aunt Meta made some blueberry muffins." With that he left the room.

"Oh my God!", she breathed when the door closed. She had been dreaming of him again. Rubbing at her eyes she headed for the bathroom. Not caring that they were going to be late she took a hot shower and tried to clear her head. The water fell in cascades over her and she stood there wondering what was happening.

An hour later they were on their way to the shore.. The weather wasn't really good enough for a day at the beach. Summer had not arrived yet, but everyone in Springfield seemed to think it was warm enough. Michelle was laying in a lounge chair trying to read a book when Bill announced that he was going for a drive with Steve and Rich. Steve and Rich completed Bill's version of the three musketeers. Michelle preferred to call them the three stooges. Neither Steve nor Rich had girlfriends, preferring to take their pick of the girls who made themselves available for their use. Michelle waved them off and settled back into the chaise lounge. She put her book down and took off her wrap. She found the right position where the sun would hit her directly and closed her eyes. The warm sun felt delicious on her body. Suddenly she couldn't feel the rays any more. Had clouds covered it up? She sensed someone looking at her. Her eyes opened.

It was him.

"Michelle." His sounded exactly like he had in her dreams. Her memory had not failed her.

Her brain wouldn't cooperate. She gaped at him.

Then he smiled.

Her mouth curved up involuntarily and she found her voice. "Hi."

He was even more interesting in the daylight. The sun bounced off his hair and made it shine. He was gorgeous. She felt giddy. Then she laughed.

"I'm sorry. How are you?" She felt silly.

His eyes swept over her body. He looked amused. Was he examining every inch of her body. Did he like what he saw? She realized she was enjoying it. Suddenly self conscious she reached for her wrap and sat up to cover herself as much as possible. Their knees touched. He looked down and then he looked up at her. His face tilted to the side. His tongue ran over his lips. She felt her hands get clammy, so she wiped them on the wrap. Why did she feel so nervous?

"Fine. I see you're not drinking today. Things must be looking up."

If he only knew. Things were only good in the privacy of her dreams.

"You remember."

"I remember."

"I thought I'd never see you again." Why did I say that? She played with the material.

He placed his hand on hers. She felt herself stiffen. She looked down at his hand covering her own.

"I wouldn't have let that happen."

Oh my God! What does that mean? Has he been thinking about me too? Stop it! Her mind was racing with too many thoughts at the same time.

Trying to gain control of the situation she said, "Really? I thought I might have imagined you in my drunken stupor."

"You weren't that drunk."

"Your disappearing act was very well done." She felt better now, more secure. He was puzzling to her, but she liked it.

"Was it?", he was smiling again.

"Well, a, "good night", would have been nice." She smiled at him.

"I'm sorry."

"Why did you leave like that? I...well...I wanted to thank you."

"Thank me?", he looked surprised.

"For listening to me. For putting up with my ranting. For bringing the lemon!", she laughed.

He laughed with her. "You're welcome. So is Stanford in your future?" he asked.

"Maybe. I haven't made up my mind."

"Why?"

She instantly knew that he was genuinely interested in knowing her decision. Not even Bill had bothered to ask her about it. He was too busy finding ways to entertain himself and others.

"There's really no reason for me not to go. It's Stanford. It'll be good to get away from here. I can have some excitement in my life. It'll change my perspective on things." She was talking too fast. She looked away. Her eyes wandered to the crashing waves on the shore.

"Stay."

She froze. Slowly lifting her head she stared at him. "What?"

"I said stay." he was serious, his eyes never left hers.

"Wha...wh...umm...WHY?" she finally was able to say. What was happening?

"I want you to." he said it firmly. There was no hesitation. He was looking right at her. She felt anxious.

"That makes no sense." Maybe he's joking.

"It will."

"I don't understand." Her heart was pounding in her chest. Could he hear it?

"Yes you do."

Horns honking brought her back to reality.

"Ma'am? We are here.", the cab driver said with a deep accent.

"Oh! Thank you. She gathered her belongings and paid him. As the cab drove away she looked up at the building.

"That's enough of the past Michelle. Stay with the present.", she told herself as she walked into the building.

As the elevator door opened into the foyer of her apartment she gathered all the energy left in her and called out, "I'm home."

He came out of the kitchen with a drink in his hands, handsome as always.

"It's about time. I thought you said you'd be home before six-thirty."

"There was a lot of traffic, my appointment ran late...I"

"Michelle, forget the excuses. We need to talk."

"Talk?" She was surprised. They never talked beyond the necessary daily conversation. The routine was simple. "What time will you be home? Are you cooking tonight? Don't forget..." 

He cleared his throat and began, "Dinner's ready. Let's eat first."

His words hung in the air. He was stalling. She walked to the credenza and picked up the mail.

"I'll be right there, Bill."

He turned from her and walked back to the kitchen. She watched him leave over the top of the mail. She shuffled the correspondence. Her heart stopped when she reached one of the letters. She stared at the envelope. There was no return address. She opened it. Her hands began to shake.

"Why now?"

Bill's Story

He felt edgy. She was supposed to be home soon. The clock on the wall wasn't moving fast enough for him. It was better to just get things over with. He worked on preparing dinner. It helped to calm him. He found the leftovers from their dinner party the week before. He unwrapped everything and stuck it in the oven. How would she react? What would she say?

He wasn't sorry. Damn it, it was his turn to do what he wanted and not what others expected of him. He had done that his whole life. He'd been a good son, followed the path they had chosen for him. No, there was no doubt. It was time to live life on his terms.

Marrying Michelle had been another step in completing his mother's dreams for him. Michelle represented everything Vanessa Chamberlain wanted for her son. She came from a good family, she was the daughter of her best friend. She had a career. Michelle was Vanessa's idea of perfection in a mate. Too bad Vanessa had never had to sleep with her, or even deal with the mood swings. Hell, he had even forgiven Michelle for making a fool of him. He had swallowed his pride and let her back in his life. His recollection of that summer that had changed everything was as clear as day. He had never forgotten...

He was waiting for her, as usual. She was always late. It pissed him off. It was like Michelle was living in another dimension of reality. It was their last summer before college and she had been acting weird. When she was present she had this far away look on her face. He had come to pick her up to go to the beach and she had been sleeping. She had grabbed at him and pulled him down on the bed. Then she starting moaning and had actually wanted him to kiss her before she brushed her teeth. Even stranger was the stunned look on her face when she realized it was him. Like she had expected someone else.

Bill assumed it was a phase and as long as she didn't cramp his style too much he could deal with it. It was also in his best interest to keep Michelle around. The last thing he needed was his mother on his case about that. Besides she would be leaving soon anyway. He checked his watch again. Where the hell was she? What was she doing? He refused to go inside to get her again. He was tired of catering to her. He honked the horn. All he could think about was later on that night he would have his chance to release everything into the open legs of Patrice Silverton. He had to smile about that. He saw Michelle then and quickly stopped thinking about Patrice. She hadn't said anything to him the whole drive to the beach.

Once there she had laid down on the lounge chair and begun reading her book. Steve and Rich had suggested they go for a ride. Rich had some stash and Bill was bored. So they had left her there reading her book.

He heard the elevator open and walked to the foyer. She looked tired. He needed to do this. He had to. She was hanging her purse in the closet and taking off her jacket. He asked her why she was late, not really caring about her answer.

"Michelle, forget the excuses. We need to talk."

He could tell she wasn't expecting him to say that.

"Dinner's ready. Let's eat first."

When she went to pick up her mail, he realized that she was once again in her own little world. It made him angry. He was mad at himself for suggesting they eat before their talk. What he had to say would change everything. Nothing would be the same.

He settled into his seat and watched the flight attendants prepare for take-off. He couldn't believe this day had arrived. It was something he had thought of for what seemed like forever. He heard the roar of the engines. The plane began to taxi down the runway.

By now she has the letter. His only hope was that she wouldn't run. The thought reminded him of a time long ago. He felt a fluttering in his stomach, and realized it was the sensation he had felt that day at the beach when he had said that one word... 

"Stay."

He couldn't believe he had said it. The look on her face told him she couldn't believe it either. He could see the tension in her body.

"What?"

"I said stay." What are you doing?? She doesn't even know your name. Why should she stay? Because you asked her to? He began to sweat.

"Wha...wh...umm...WHY?" Because I have to know you. Because I can't stop thinking about you. Because...

"I want you to." The words slipped out before he could stop himself..

"That makes no sense." he could hear the uncertainty in her voice. Maybe I'm scaring her. You've got nothing to lose. She'll either get up and walk away or...

"It will."

"I don't understand."

"Yes you do." He could see it in her face. There was no way she could hide it. Suddenly he felt very good. His eyes darted back and forth searching hers.

"I don't even know your name", she whispered. Was she afraid to say it too loud?

He leaned in towards her and reached for her hands. He laced his fingers through hers and when their lips were almost touching he said, "Danny."

She didn't move away. Her eyes closed. He took the chance and placed his lips on hers. They were soft and full. He barely moved and didn't dare breathe. She sighed. Then she laughed and he loved every minute of it.

He hadn't been wrong. He began laughing too...

He heard the voice of the pilot over the loudspeaker. A lot had happened since that day. Had eight years made a difference to her? Did she still remember those first meetings like he did? He had seven hours to think about it. Two days in the city would give him the time he needed to prepare to see her again. Would she be there? Would she let him back into her life? After all he had done, would she accept him? He had his doubts, but there was no way to stop what he had set in motion when he had written the note.

M,

Central Park by the carousel. Wednesday the the twenty-third at two PM.

D.

The note was much like the ones he had written to her during those long summer months, before anyone knew about them. They had enjoyed the secrecy. It had made things exciting. Not that they needed much to excite them.

He had forgotten who he was when he was with her. The moment he had seen her he knew his life would be different. He only knew two things when he'd left her standing in the gazebo. Her name...Michelle, and that he had to be with her.

That night he had driven away from the Reardon house wondering how he could fit her in with his life. She was different from all of the other girls he knew. Michelle was so unassuming. She had no idea the effect she had on people. The way she walked. The way she smiled. It was enough to put any man on his knees. For the first time in his life, Danny Santos, believed in love at first sight. 

At the time, he didn't realize that inviting her into his life would cost him everything he had and everything he was. In the end, it had almost destroyed her. His parents had seen to it. Now, five years after their last meeting, he was coming back for her. His family couldn't do what they had done so many years before. They didn't have that power over him.

He saw the clouds and stared into the bright sun as the plane flew through the air. "I told you I'd come back for you, Michelle."