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| SO FRAGILE TONIGHT by Wren PART 1 3:23 AM, Wednesday. The chill of an autumn morning ran through her spine as she paced around the front yard. She was clad in a white terry cloth robe and a heavy blanket she dare not let go. It was as if she felt that it was all she had left. "She's dead." They were words she almost longed to hear, but she feared them gravely. The space around her expanded and she felt powerless, vulnerable. Everyone in her circle was asleep at the moment. "But I have to work today." What does today mean anyway? Yesterday. Yesterday, she thought, was different. Yesterday, she existed. What difference does it make? She exists now, though her soul has flown away never to return. Cyd paced around her front yard, the cigarette she was holding long burnt out since. It wasn't until the phone rang when she was snapped back to earth after a state of ambiguity, confusion, and helplessness. "Hello?" "Cyd! I've been trying to get a hold of you all day!" The sound of a living being drenched her with warmth, but it had been too much for her. "Ana's dead, James." Silence. "What? "She killed herself. She died fifteen minutes ago." A prolonged silence was broken after what seemed like forever. "Do you want me to come over?" Moments later, as she was boiling water for tea, the doorbell rings. "Come in James." She croaks. James hugs the shaken Cyd. "Oh, love." "How can you make tea in your condition?" James says as he runs back and forth to find a blanket. "Sit down, Cyd. I'll finish this." He wraps the blanket around her. Cyd shudders underneath the blanket as she places herself on the couch in a catatonic state. It was a haunting silence as James prepared the tea. Cyd heard and felt the whistle blow, the peaceful clink as the cups were being placed on the tray. The sound of water being poured in china. Every minor sound and action processed through her mind. The soft couch beneath her legs she felt, and yet it was as if she were somewhere else. James could only snap her back to reality for one moment. She felt his warm hand gently stroke her messy brown hair out of her face. "Cyd?" She slowly extended her hand to touch him. "You're here." She managed to slip out of her tired throat. James enveloped her hand with both of his, ever so tenderly. "She doesn't hurt anymore, love. She's going to be alright now." He stammers, a bit shaken as well. "So why do I, James?" He could only look at her with deep concern. He got next to her and took her in his arms. She listened to his heartbeat and felt his warmth and beardy stubble scratching her forehead as he moved to kiss her. She felt his soft lips on her forehead. "Don't let me go, James." She whispered. "I won't, darling." James manages to whisper, the crack in his voice apparent. He was not one to show his true gut emotions, but at a time like this, and around Cyd he had always felt safe. Nobody drank any tea that night. Cyd and James fell asleep in each others arms. It seemed like eternity before he woke up and found Cyd sleeping peacefully on his chest. So not to disturb her, he placed several conveniently located cushions in his place as he slid out from underneath her. The blanket at this point was to the side of the couch. Suddenly, James had second thoughts. First, he draped the blanket over her, then he gently lifted her and carried her to her bed. As he laid her down, he felt as though leaving her alone would be a grave mistake. "I'm just going to clean up a bit, but I'll be right back, love. I promise." He whispered, slowly leaving her room. He returned a few minutes later to find her still sleeping, shivering under the covers. She needn't say anything at all. He knew the pain associated with the death of a beloved, and loss in general first hand. He knew it all too well. He remembered the vivid dreams that haunted him into waking up in a cold sweat. He was shattered watching Cyd go through this. James remembered times when he wished for someone to be there on mornings like this. To wake up after a particularly frightening dream, and find his mother holding him in her loving arms, a tender comfort. No longer. This contemplation left him maudlin, in combination with grasping Cyd's deep emotional pain, James buried his face in his hands and cried. "I'm sorry love." He left the room, sat alone on the couch for a few minutes, and sobbed for both himself and Cyd, and for those they'd loved and lost. He always felt like he never truly got a chance to say goodbye. He stopped crying for a moment and went to the restroom. He wiped away his tears and washed his face. He gazed in the mirror and didn't see the reflection he normally would. It may have been physically similar, but inside he was broken. He saw the tears forming in his already red eyes. He froze when he heard a small voice. Be strong, James. Cyd needs you now more than ever. You can't blame yourself for the past. You know what you need to do now. Go to her now, James. "You're right." James quietly said to his reflection. He turned off the light and closed the bathroom door behind him. He then paused. "I just answered my fucking reflection." He shook his head and headed back to Cyd's room. He embraced her as she slept. He felt her tremors die down and her face bury itself against his chest. He tenderly stroked her hair. "You're here." It was almost a subconscious uttering out of Cyd. "Yes, love." James held her tight. "Don't leave me please." The intense vulnerability was apparent in her voice. "I promise, love. I won't leave you." He kissed the top of her head as they both lay in the foetal position, legs intertwined as they both stated into each other's eyes. The deafening silence carried on, but Cyd absorbed every bit of the man before her that was her dear friend. She remembered the time Ana introduced her to him almost three years ago. Cyd was a far different person back then. She was tougher than nails and scared the hell out of James. They tolerated each other enough to keep the drama between the three of them null, but it never got to anything further than that. It had been nearly a week since Ana had spoken to James, which he found highly unusual. Ana gave James Cyd's number in this sort of case. Unfortunately, the worst had come for the both of them and they were left to pick up the pieces. James somehow had a deep inner feeling that they could only do it together. He wouldn't have it any other way. He would have killed for a moment alone with Cyd. Unfortunately, it took something like this to make that happen. She stroked his beardly chin and hair, then she gently blew on his face. This made James smile. She took his hand and caressed it gently, every inch, staring in wonder. She stroked his wrist and paused to feel his pulse. She kept her index and middle finger on his pulse. James didn't move. She moved his hand to her face while James softly caressed her cheek, sticky from fallen tears. He ran his thumb over one eyebrow and gently under her bottom lid, wiping away forming tears. "You've been crying, James." Cyd observed. "Yeah." He whispered back. "Time...still doesn't seem to exist" She croaked. "Don't worry about it." James whispers. "I've called your work and told them you were ill and couldn't speak. You got the next two days to grieve." "But there are things I have to do tomorrow." "I took care of it, love." "She doesn't ever have things to do tomorrow." Cyd cried. She felt the warmth in James' sad eyes. "Everything now. You being here in front of me, the rain pounding outside against the glass. I can't seem to fathom of one day having it taken away from me." "It was her choice, Cyd. She couldn't hear or see any of it anymore. She only saw and felt the tormentors inside her head." James consoled. "You know it wasn't to do with you. I know it wasn't to do with me." "What use are words at a time like this? Words. Simple, easy words. People use words in order to understand, but what happens when words no longer make sense?" James nods in understanding. "There's something we have to do." Part 2 >>> <<< Wren's stories |