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| A MOMENT OF CLARITY by Sky Babies The journey home to home is always a killer, too much traffic and not enough sensible drivers. This is one reason why I only make the trip at night. Car loaded, goodbye to the folks and CD playing hooked up and ready to go. I always put the CD’s on the vacant seat next to me so I can pick up and play without looking. Petrol at the station, quick oil check and straight onto the M4 from the junction which hooks the village up to the rest of the civilised world. Gods, I hate Wales…I always have. This is one of the reasons why I decided to take my chances in London a good eight years ago. All goes well. Past Cardiff with strains of Therapy? blasting out of the speakers. I sing to myself “I thought of you tonight in simple twists and turns, incarcerated here I’m handcuffed to your world”… Mind spins back, out of control. I think of him, how much he meant to me back then, how I would have done anything…anything. I’m gone for a while, winging my way in the fast lane to my destination, to my life now. If and only is not a way to live your life. Severn Bridge…always makes me think. Goodbye to the old and an arm-stretching hello to the new. For the last few miles I’ve noticed the same car following me, pretty close too. This frustrates me and makes me wish I had a ‘back the fuck off’ sign in the back. “Asshole” I mutter to myself, “It’s no wonder there’s so many accidents on the road with drivers like that!” Light flash…I try to accelerate on but my car feels like it’s pulling me back. Shit. Light smoke starts to pour from my exhaust behind me and I feel trouble. That’s it I need to pull in. Tomorrow I will call the dealer I bought this heap of shit from a few weeks ago and scream at him, but for now the hard shoulder and the RAC are the order of the day. I flit best I can through the other lanes and grind to a stop by the crash barrier. Safe. Then I notice it. The car that was behind me has pulled in just in front of mine. This scares me…I’m alone, I’m stranded. The driver steps out and begins to make his way over to me. I instinctively lock the door and root for my mobile. It’s flat, the battery’s dead. I fling it onto the seat as a knock hits my window. I look up and there he is, kind face, looking concerned…I know that face only too well. Still, with trepidation I wind my window down a little. “I saw you were in trouble a while back and tried to signal to you. You okay?” he asks. “Fine…well kind of” I say feeling very flustered. He smiles as he looks into the car. Still, years on, he looks beautiful. “Do you want me to wait with you until help arrives? Can’t go leaving a lady all alone out here, you never know whose about”. Exactly, I smile to myself. “My phone’s dead” “No problems, use mine” he says as he pulls it out of his slightly battered denim jacket and hands it to me. Cold, he pulls his jacket around himself. I unlock the passenger door and motion for him to come in. He picks up the CD stack and starts to flick through them as I make the call. “They should have someone out in the next half an hour or so.” I say, handing him back his phone. “That’s okay, I don’t have to be anywhere fast. Where are you heading?” “London…or at least I was. Looks as though I’ll have to be towed down to my folks place and make the journey some other way tomorrow.” I say, miffed at the situation. “Well, I’m heading that way so if you want…” he nods towards his car. “My names James, by the way” “I know” I say, almost too quickly. I feel my cheeks blush as scarlet as my hair. “Ahhh…interesting CD collection you have here.” He say, putting me at ease once again. He flips open the cover of a Wildhearts CD and mentions he billed with them once. Without thinking I blurt “yeah, Ginger is my fantasy man”. I can’t believe I just said that! He laughs at this and says that, should he see him around, he knows a gorgeous young red head that’d love to get to know him better. I assure him Ginger’s wife would not like to hear that. “I’m sorry but I have nothing of yours here with me.” “No? Not a fan?” he jokes “Well I was, some time back.” “Oh, what changed?” He questions jokingly. “If I told you that you’d leave me stranded!” I murmur. “No, go on. Tell me straight…” “I think you kind of lost your edge, became too stadium for me.” I flush “I guess I’m one of the minority” “You’d be surprised” he smiles. With my car safely strapped to the back of the tow truck we fall into his. I put my bags on the back seat and slide into the passenger seat, next to him. He’d grabbed a few of my CD’s and said that he wouldn’t mind listening to them during the journey as there were a few he hadn’t heard for years. He dumps the stack onto my lap and selects the top one. Opening it up and taking it out with care his hand brushes against my knee. I sharp gasp falls from my lips and, flirtatiously, he says sorry. Gently leaning over me he reaches into the glove box. I feel his breath on my bare knee and I tingle with sorrowful anticipation. This can’t be, I’m reading too much into it, I think as my mind races back to my fantasies of old. I remember sitting in my room at home with my friend, Jo. She was obsessed with Nicky, totally in love she thought. And me, one day, I hoped, James would be mine. We used to put spells to the wind with all belief that one day they would come true...and then we grew up, moved on and moved away. These days we were satisfied with real partners, or so we told each other during those long, drawn out phone calls. Right now I crave for those old day but feel embarrassed due to the situation. Sure I’m sitting next to him but this is so different from how it’s meant to be. “Cigarette?” He offers, breaking me away from my dream. “Thanks, but I don’t” I virtually stammer. “I don’t know your name by the way.” “Mill…well, that’s what everyone calls me at least.” “Ahhh, okay.” He turns up the volume on the CD player as “Submission” blasts out. He smirks and we set off. If the road of life is laced with disappointment then I’m the living fucking proof. Lights go roaring by and we sit there making trivial conversation. He is sweet and sincere, more real than I ever imagined him to be. I tell him about my life, how the dreams I had got lost in the wind and he listens intently. “Sometimes you have to go and fight for them to be blown back,” he says softly. As we hit town he asks where he can take me. My mind says “To heaven and back” but my mouth says “To the nearest tube station, I can make my way back from there.” “Don’t be daft. What kind of man would leave an already stranded woman alone at night with all them weirdo’s about? Tell me where you live and I’ll take you home, to your door.” His hand touches the flesh of my leg as he changes gear. He looks at me and gently places it on my thigh. I start to burn with the deepest of desire, short of breath and trying to remain calm. “You don’t mind…do you?” We pull up outside my flat. As I go to unfasten the belt he grabs my hand. I look into his eyes, deep and intense. “Would you like to come in for a drink or something? It’s the least I could offer.” I say, giddy with a rush of feelings. He slowly begins to smile and nods. I stumble around with the keys; hands, whole body shaking. He takes them from me and turns them in the lock. I brush past him and flick on the light in the lounge, he follows me in. He notices my stack of vinyl leaning against the wall. Kneeling down he begins to examine my collection, pulling out some early copies and limited editions. “I see you’re quite a collector,” he says, gently handling the baby of my collection. He looks at the picture of himself from eons ago, which adorns the disc and shakes his head with a little giggle. “What can I offer you to drink?” I ask, excusing myself to the way of the kitchen “tea? coffee?” “Anything stronger?” he asks, looking up. His eyes like dark pools, warm, inviting and with the hint that one could easily drown in them. “But you’re driving.” I stammer. “Yeah…” He sounds a little disappointed. “I have a bottle of wine, red, if that will do?” He smiles, “That will do perfectly.” I grab a bottle from the rack and pick up a couple of glasses from the counter. Taking them into the lounge I place them on the table and dive into the pot to pull out a corkscrew. He stands behind me; I can feel his breath delicately caress my neck, very close and getting closer. Slowly I turn around. We’re face-to-face, eye-to-eye. He looks at my lips and leans forward, our breath quickening and eyes closing. He kisses me lightly then slowly pulls away. Taking the corkscrew out of my hand he says “let me do this.” I excuse myself, heading to the bathroom. I lock the door and turn the cold tap of the hand basin on full blast. Splashing my face with the icy water, I try to revive myself, to wake myself up. This is bullshit. It has to be a dream. It cannot be. Rivulets if moisture cascade onto my neck and into my cleavage. I look into the mirror. I look terrible…so why? Why this? This is torment. I’ll go out in a few moments and he won’t be there, this will all just be a spark of my over fertile imagination…won’t it? Count to three…one, two…three. I walk back into the lounge, half expecting him to have vanished, like a ghost, into thin air. He sits on the sofa, sipping the heady Shiraz and looking relaxed. He puts the glass down and motions me over to him. I cautiously sit on the edge of the seat and he takes my hands. “This is too much…all too much” I gasp. “What is?” He asks tenderly. “You. Here. This. It shouldn’t be” I find myself saying. He looks into my eyes. “Well, if you’d rather I went” he says, hurt in his tone. He lets go of my hands and starts to get up. I close my eyes. “No,” I say quietly. I open my eyes and look at him. “No…I don’t want that.” I get up, level with him and grasp his hand firmly. Twelve years of wanting, longing, needing take over my body and slowly I kiss him. I kiss him with more passion than I can ever remember feeling before, lips brushing apart. He responds with urgency. Tongues colliding, seeking out the deepest roots of our souls. Swiftly I unhook each button of his shirt as we feel the temperatures of each other’s body start to rise. I push him back onto the sofa and he lies there looking up at me, his features like an innocent boy. He grabs my wrist and pulls me onto him, kissing me hard and fast as he unzips my dress. I feel him hard against me…. “No, not here” I gasp, pulling us onto our feet once again and stumbling with him, kissing and exploring into the bedroom. We hit the bed, tearing the remaining clothes from one another’s moistening bodies. I hold back and look at him for a moment. Fuck, he’s more beautiful than I thought. He takes hold of my hair and motions my head towards his. He kisses my neck. It makes me go weak, powerless to him. He kisses his way down my body, reaching my lower extremities. “Smooth” he grins, “interesting” as he delves down lower. I try to stifle moans as he expertly explores, licking, sucking, and touching me…I can’t take much more and sit up. I pull him up and turn him over to return the favour. I take him firmly in my mouth, twisting and gently tugging with my hand and the same time. I lick him right down and he tilts his head back, eyes closed and groaning softly. I maintain my action, slowly then fast, different pressures, teasing him, playing with him masterfully until it happens. Like the sweetest nectar of all I drink it down with pleasure. He opens one eye and grins. Slowly I slide back up to him and kiss him gently. He sighs and strokes my hair softly. For hours we hold, kiss and touch one another. “I don’t normally do this, you know,” he says shyly. “And you think I do?” I laugh as he rolls onto his side, beginning to suck my lower lip. I take his head and stroke his face. He smiles wickedly, eyes glinting with mischief. “We still haven’t…” he raises one eyebrow and nods down. “Well, that can be arranged” I smile and pull open the draw next to me. He quickly gets ready. “So, how do you want me?” “We could deliberate about that for hours” he laughs and turns me onto my side. With his arms around me he spoons me…the CD we’re listening to skips a few lines. “Kiss me through your warming darkness, Kiss me once so I can breath. Kiss me once then I am leaving. Kiss me once then kiss yourself goodbye.” <<< Miscellaneous |