janey_test-of-endurance-4

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TEST OF ENDURANCE by Janey

PART 4

Thursday 21st January ’93
“Sherry please, let me help wash up. Rich will dry, won’t you?” you say light-heartedly. “That really was a wonderful meal, I’m sorry I couldn’t do it justice, and it’s a shame that Rachel isn’t here.”
“Richard can indeed help out, along with Graham but you my dear, you stay where you are. You really are looking terribly pale and fragile, which is unlike you Natalie.” Sherry puts a hand up to your brow, “just as I thought, very clammy. And you’ve lost weight. If this sickness thing doesn’t get any better soon you’ll have to go to the doctors. Need all your strength in your job I would think.”
You both turn and look toward the kitchen from where Richey has just let out a giggle that he obviously couldn’t suppress any longer, he was also muttering something but you can’t make out what.
“Richard stop mumbling and giggling and tell me what’s going on,” Sherry was firm but was smiling. Rich made her smile with the silly and yet wonderful things that he did. He had always been a very sensitive soul.
“It’s nothing Mum, really,” Graham follows behind him. Richey has a huge grin all over his face and the sly wink he gives you is almost seen by his mum.
“Now you two are up to something! Richey always has that stupid grin when he’s trying to hide something, so you may as well tell us,” sighs Graham, with his mouth curling up at the corners.
“Well the thing is…” starts Richey, “you know you where both away for those 3 weeks over Christmas and New Year? Well Natalie and me spent some of the holiday time together too. Just the two of us though, that’s why I rang you up for once, so that you wouldn’t find out.”
“Pardon?” asks Sherry.
“Oh mum, dad, Natalie and I are a couple, have been since November 17th,” he winks at you cheekily hoping you’re impressed he’s remembered the date. “It’s just that we’ve been friends for so long and I didn’t know how you would be about us getting together, what with what I do and what Nat does. I thought you might not approve.”
“Richard Edwards it’s a good thing I know what you mean because the last part of that sentence was gibberish!” Graham laughs. “Basically you’re in a relationship? Rachel suspected as much. Don’t ask me how but she did.”
“Yes, she’s very astute. I think she just noticed the way we are with each other. More so than we did,” you smile as Rich stands beside you, hugging you into his body. “I know it seems odd after we’ve known each other for so long, but we came to realise that we love each other.”
“We often spoke about you two, you know,” says Graham, “thought that there was more to it than you insisted, but you kept surprising us by not getting together. Then we became worried that if you did it would be for the wrong reasons and would be a sort of patient / nurse relationship. Is that what you meant Richey?”
Richey nods and you stroke his cheek lovingly, and unthinkingly he allows a hand to slip down and caress your stomach. “You feeling ok, babe? Sit down, come on.”
“I’ll be fine Rich, really. It will pass.”
“So does this mean that you’re sleeping together then?” Sherry asks but then answers the question herself, “well, of course you will be. After all you’ve known each other for so long I suppose there seemed little point in waiting.”
“Just be careful. Don’t want to get pregnant too soon Natalie, so make sure he wears a condom.” Graham catches the way you both glance at each other and then the floor, but Sherry doesn’t.
“Much as I want to be a grandma, take it slowly.”
“Rich; Nat; tell me I’m thinking the wrong thing here.”
“Sorry, no you’re not. We got a home test and it was positive. We just need the doctor to confirm it but those tests are very accurate,” Richey says and then kisses you on your lips slowly and deliberately, unworried that his parents are watching, then he says, “ we’re happy. Yes it’s sudden, but I love her mam, dad. And I’m happier than I can ever remember. Please be happy for us.”
“You’re the first people we’ve told,” you say, and notice the way they smile at one another at hearing this. “We wanted to keep it quiet for as long as we could but thought you had a right to know.”
“Do you know how many weeks?” asks Sherry.
“I think it was Richey’s birthday, but certainly around then.”
“Now that would be special,” grins Sherry with obvious delight. “Our first grandchild being conceived on its fathers birthday! How wonderful Graham.”
“Yes it would be, but I’m still worried about the suddenness of this, and I know you’ve been ok for some time now Rich, but what if it all sinks in and you start to panic. You’ve just got together and you’re having a baby.”
“You’re questioning my fitness to be a father!” exclaims Rich with pain written on his face. “Do you honestly think I could hurt a child?”
“Rich I didn’t mean it that way!” Graham begins pacing the floor as he tries to grasp the words he needs. “I mean that you hurt all of us every time it happens. Watching you bleed is the hardest thing in the world. If you do it when you have a child you need to think of the consequences.”
You wrap an arm over Richey’s shoulders and lay your head on his collar bone as you run your hand up and down his arm saying, “darling its alright. We talked about this last night and you knew it was going to be a concern. That’s because people will be concerned about you and the baby Rich. It’s not about doubting you.”
“Hell son for what it’s worth,” says Graham looking Rich straight in the eyes, “you’ve always had an affinity with kids and they all adore you. You have enormous patience and so much love to give, you’ll be a wonderful father.”
Rich stood up and gripped his father tightly, and they both cried a little as they hugged; Sherry and you smile at each other.

You continue with your job although you have been moved into a position that doesn’t give as much contact with potentially troublesome patients. All your colleagues have been amazed to discover the pregnancy as none of them knew about Richey, even now all they knew was that his name was Rich and he was welsh.

Richey and the guys were busy rehearsing and recording the next album, so you had to make do with telephone conversations for now. The next time you were due to be together was for James’ birthday and secretly you were trying to find an excuse so that you didn’t have to go but it was tradition. With only four days to go, it seems that you would have to grit your teeth and get on with it. The important thing to remember is that you and Richey would be together for a short while.

Sunday 21st February ‘93
Its noon when you pull up outside the studios and you can see Richey, sat huddled on a bench, smoking a cigarette and wrapped in a big, warm animal print coat. You get out of the car and walk over to him, as he obviously hasn’t heard the car. As you get closer you realise why; he has his Walkman in. You toy with the idea of putting your hands over his eyes, but as he can’t hear you, you’d probably scare him witless so decide to walk in the front of him. At least then he’ll be able to see you properly.
You smile to yourself as you watch him; his eyes are closed, his fingers tapping to the music and the cigarette is being smoked slower than usual. But he appears tired with dark circles beneath his eyes and greyness to his skin. His hair is no longer black, but dark brown with what appears to be a red tint over it; and he has stubble. Richey hates stubble as it makes him itch that’s why he always gave up trying to grow a beard. It just irritates him so much.
You crouch down in front oh him and gently stroke your hands over his thighs, enjoying the puzzled look wash over his face, and then you take out the earplugs, “Hello sexy.”
“Oh Nat! Bloody hell!” He pulls you up onto his lap and gives you a passionate deep kiss, which you return with interest. Even the taste of nicotine on his tongue is exciting because it’s Richey.
“I love you Richey Edwards,” you moan into his mouth just before he takes yours with another kiss. “Come to the car!”
He scoops you up into his arms and carries you to your car, were you both climb in the back and lock the doors, giggling like teenagers all the while, completely caught up in each other. You have so missed having his arms around you; feeling his chest rise and fall; hearing his breathing; feeling his warm breath on your skin; holding his hands; looking at his beautiful full lips which just invite you to kiss them; but most of all, you have missed drowning in his big brown eyes. And Richey is feeling the same and is telling you so. This isn’t about sex; it’s about holding the one you love because you’ve missed them.
Then there’s banging all over the car, and wolf whistles, and you both laugh as you realise the guys have finally found you.
“Hey come on! We had to send a search party Rich, you’ve been gone over half an hour!”
“It’s not been that long has it?” he asks, and looks surprised when you show him your watch. “Time flies when you’re having fun huh?”
The guys all seem surprised when you both get out with your clothes intact. “No prizes for guessing what you thought we were up to huh!”
“We can show some self restraint you know,” giggles Rich. You give Rich the keys and he opens the boot of the car and takes out a bag containing James’ presents and passes them to James.
“Happy birthday James,” you say with a glimpse of a smile.
“Thanks,” and you feel his arms around you as he hugs you, and kisses your cheek; his hot breath brushing against your ear and you begin to feel dizzy and unsteady on your feet. “Hey now, careful. Lets be a bit more discreet huh? Rich is watching.”
You just make out Rich and the others going back to the studio and leaving you two behind, as James this time kisses you properly and snakes his hand under your jumper, touching your bare skin. Try as you might you can find no strength to hold him off and everything has a surreal sensation to it. Noises are muffled and your vision is blurred.

“Natalie. Natalie darling.”
Richey’s voice is vague but you can hear it and gradually you become aware of your surroundings. You’re in hospital and then begin to make out the drip in your arm as well as the monitor.
“Don’t try and talk love, they’ve given you some strong painkillers. Catch your sleep now,” Rich has a huge frown and he had aged about 5 years. He is holding your hands in his own which is wonderfully soothing.
“I love you Teddy,” you manage to whisper croakily.

Tuesday 23rd February ’93
“Hi there gorgeous,” smiles Richey. “How are you and baby today?”
“Well my head doesn’t hurt too much, so better, although I still don’t feel ‘with it’ if you know what I mean,” you force a smile. “Baby is doing ok too.”
“That’s what you get with concussion love,” he kisses your hand tenderly.
“What happened? One minute I was with HIM then I was on the floor.”
“James had been thanking you for the presents, and when he let you go you slumped down to the floor and hit your head.”
“No that wasn’t it Rich,” and you shook your head. “I wasn’t well. I was dizzy and started to go, I can remember it. James must have thought I was swooning into him because he stuck his tongue down my throat and I became aware of his hands on my skin.”
“James wouldn’t! I mean I know he fancies you but he wouldn’t try to get between us.”
“Is that why that night you went to Nick’s ‘cos he was drunk, I had to put him on the floor! He let himself in and well, well he tried it on with me. I’d been asleep when he came but he wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
“Well all we know is your blood pressure was very low and you were dehydrated. They think the long journey was the final straw and your system decided you need to rest. But maybe it was the confrontation with James. Perhaps the stress of that got to you. We all decided to go back inside because we thought you two were actually going to start talking properly again, and sort out your differences.”
“Hmm,” you know Rich is avoiding the issue because he’s hurting but the way you look at him makes him realise he can’t avoid it at all.
“I’m sorry Nat. What can I say? I should’ve thought more and known something was wrong. I’ll have a word with him. I promise I will”
“Oh Rich it’s not your fault. I should have told you sooner but James just shouldn’t have done it.”

Unfortunately for James he chose that moment to enter the room and was more than a little perplexed by the vicious looks he was receiving. “Don’t tell me your blood pressure is still in your boots Nat! You seemed so much better last night too, even though you spent most of it asleep because of those painkillers.”
Rich asks James right out about what happened the night he went to help Nick and all James can do is tell the truth. He also tells him exactly what happened before you’d collapsed to the floor; admits that he was trying to kiss you properly because he can’t get over you and wants you in his life.
“James there’s something you need to know,” says Richey calmly.
One of the things you love about Rich is that he is not a violent man. He hardly ever raises his voice and he never raises his fists, not even to protect himself, and now his calmness is unsettling James much more than a thump ever could have done.
“When I told you that Natalie has been working too hard and that’s why she collapsed, well that’s only part of it. Truth is Nat’s blood pressure plummeted because she was tired, she’s been working too hard but it was already low. The reason it’s a problem is that she’s pregnant and she hasn’t been looking after herself properly.” He kisses you lovingly on you cheek, as he gazes at you and grins. “Of course that was partly due to the sickness. Then she was just too tired to be bothered to eat.”
“Pregnant?” Splutters James.
“Yes James. We’re going to be parents. We wanted to wait to pass the 3-month stage but well everyone’s going to know now. Martin’s organising a press statement too.” Richey says with pride.
“Oh Fuck! I’m so fucking sorry,” he splutters again. “Congratulations to you both. Really.”
“Thanks,” you smile and add, “ you know James I always will be in your life if we can be friends again. I don’t want to fall out with any of you. I love you all.”
“What about your job Nat? Once it gets out about you and Rich it will make it hard for you.”
“I’ve got a sick note for a month and I rang up to say I was resigning and my letter will be in the post today,” you grasp Richey’s hand. “I’m also putting my house on the market and we’re going to find somewhere we both like, with room for a few children.”
“I can’t believe this is happening so fast! Are you getting married as well?”
“Not yet,” chuckles Rich, “but someday if she’ll have me!”

Wednesday 24th February ’93
Richey takes you home from the hospital and you’re stunned at the amount of press waiting for you both and shouting out questions.
“Richey have you stopped cutting?”
“Do you think you’ll be a fit parent Richey?”
“Is this really a relationship?”
“As a mental health worker why would you get involved with someone like Richey?”
“How long have you known each other?”
“Isn’t this just a little sordid? Like you’re sleeping with one of your patients?”
“What happens when he hurts himself bad and you have the baby to look after?”
“Who’ll take the most looking after Richey or the baby?”
And on and on and on…

“Bloody hell! What a hatchet job. They obviously think I’m some type of flaming psycho,” yells Rich. “Nearly all of them were venomous and ignorant.”
“That’s what you need to remember love,” you sigh patting the sofa next to you. “They’re ignorant. No more, no less.”
“It’s just so damned hurtful.”
“I know, but you know something?” Rich shakes his head to your question, “they want to goad you into cutting again, then they can say ‘we told you so, Richey manic is unfit to be a parent’ and sell more papers.”
“But the things that they said about you as well.”
“Doesn’t matter Rich!” you say. “We’re gonna have to get used to it because they’ll be waiting for us to fuck up. Best thing that we can do is be happy together and stay together. That way they’ll have to eat humble pie.”
“I can’t believe you haven’t run a mile already. You shouldn’t have to put up with this rubbish.” He cuddles you close to him.
“I’ve told you more than once that I am going to be here all the way Rich, and I mean it. I love you no matter what, besides there’s nothing they can tell me that I don’t already know is there? Or is there?”
“Meaning what?” he asks, appearing just a little worried.
“I want you to be honest with me Rich, ok? I know that you need cuddles after you’ve cut or if you’re feeling lonely. I know that Nick has spent the night ON the bed cuddling you. Now you said when you’d told Nicky about us that you didn’t know he’d slept with a couple of guys. Is that true?” You stroke his face and brush your lips against his to let him know he’s ok and that you’re not going to run.
“No, but not how you think.” He takes a deep breath and continues, “we’ve often shared a bed, but that was all, just sharing. Then one night we went to a record industry thing. Well we were pissed before we got there and after a few more drinks Philip stuck us in a taxi and sent us home. Next day when we finally surfaced there was a used condom by the bed, and I bloody hurt!”
“You don’t remember anything?”
“Not a bloody thing! Nor does the Wire, so we just agreed that nothing happened. We haven’t so much as had a snog or a grope, I promise. The only homoerotic stuff we do is for the cameras, you know?” He raises his brows as he asks the rhetorical question. “That’s why it got to me so much when I realised how Nick felt.”
“Do you ever think about having sex with him Rich?” It was possibly the hardest thing you ever had to ask.
“Not at all Nat. Even when he’s cuddling me and we’re both naked. Nick is my friend not my lover.”
“I was a friend and not a lover once Rich.”
“There was just always something about you though Nat, about us. I always knew I felt special about you, protective and warm. I just didn’t understand what it meant because I’d convinced myself I couldn’t love and was unfit to be loved.” His eyes are warm, full of honesty and tenderness, love and respect. “Plus I did occasionally find myself wondering what it would be like to make love with you, and I told you about the erections I got when we slept together, whilst we cuddled each other. That definitely never happened with the Wire.”
You hug him into your body and nuzzle his collarbone sensually, making him groan. “Umm, I am so proud of you.”
“Me? Why?” He asks, shocked.
“Because you’ve just had a conversation about emotions and feelings and you haven’t run away from it. You’ve stayed with it and talked with me. Not so long ago it would have been so different.” You smile softly.
“Yeah, I would now be slicing myself with a blade after drinking too much vodka probably,” and he lets out a giggle. “See what the love of a good woman can do?”
“If only I could take the credit! That’s down to you. You wanted to stop. You’ve done all the hard work. I’ve just been there a little. The guys have helped more than me, certainly they’ve been there more.”
“Let’s not start on that one!” he laughs that adorable Richey laugh which is contagious. “You ready for bed love?”
“I feel ok Rich, thanks. I’ll let you know when I feel tired.”
“I was meaning for something else!” he roars loudly with a huge grin on his face. “Very selfish of me I know, and you just coming out of the hospital huh?”
“I’ve been ordered to rest remember?” you grin.
“I promise I don’t expect you to swing from the furniture or anything!”
“I should bloody well hope so!” and you playfully tap his arm.
“It’s just you’ve been in there a few days and I’ve missed holding you as you fall asleep and having your skin against mine. I just want to be next to you, love. The sex doesn’t matter, honestly.”
“I know that babe,” and your fingers play with the hair at the nape of his neck. “I’ve missed you too. Feel up to carrying me?”
“Try stopping me!”

Friday 5th March ’93
You and Rich are busy sorting things into boxes at your ‘old’ home. Whilst it’s recently gone on the market it no longer feels like part of you. Your home now is Wales and you’ve both seen lots of different houses in and around Cardiff, though there hasn’t been anything either of you has been really enamoured with yet.
You have both decided which things will go into storage whilst a new home is found, and which stuff will go to (Richey’s) your current home. Then you reminisce at old photographs and laugh at some of the clothes you’ve worn and kept. Tomorrow the removal van will come. Tomorrow is officially the start of your new life.

Monday 12th April ’93
You wake feeling grouchy, with pain not unlike period pain, across your lower back and abdomen, but don’t think much of it. Richey has left early as the band are doing a video shoot for their next single, which is due to be released in June, along with the new record/ c.d. It will be the first time since you moved in that the two of you have not spent the night together, and already the house seems lonely.
Rich rings a couple of times to see how things are and to complain of being bored on the shoot, ‘spend more time hanging around doing nothing than anything else,’ he moans.
The estate agent has rung so you let Richey know that you’ve made some appointments to view some properties, which have just come onto the market and also give him, the good news that your old house is now officially sold. Neither one of you can quite believe it was bought so quickly, but as a cash purchase it’s gone through rapidly.
By mid-afternoon the stomach cramps are unbearable so you decide to have a bath, putting it down to the fact that you’ve been over doing it lately, and your body is now telling you to slow down. However the bath with lavender and camomile oil does nothing to ease it and pains also begin to affect the tops of your legs and you have a strange sickly sensation building inside. You try to get out of the bath when you notice it – blood. All your thoughts are centred on the baby and doing everything you can to protect it.

You’re huddled up in the bed, eyes red raw from crying, with Sherry sat with you stuck for the right words to say. She had gone round to drop some house details off for you and Richey, and had let herself in with her key when she had heard you yelling. You had been unable to get out of the bath, partly because of the pain and partly because of the intense and sickly fear within. Richey was on his way but it would be a good few hours yet. All you want to do is go home but you’re not allowed due to the general anaesthetic that you’ve had to have.

Tuesday 13th April ’93
Its 3.10 am when a red eyed and grey faced Richey is finally by your side. He, Sherry and Graham hug each other and the tears flow freely from them all.
“Oh, darling, I don’t know what to say,” sobs Rich.
“She’s been refusing sedation, Rich,” says Graham. “Wanted to be awake for you, didn’t you love?”
“Rich I’m sorry. I’ve lost our baby.” You sob heartbreakingly into his chest.
“Oh darling, don’t you talk like that.”
“I should’ve been more careful. All those long hours; long journeys – they can’t have done any good.”
“Nat, baby, come here,” Richey climbs up on the bed to hold you properly and dares the nurses to make him move, just by glancing at them. “Don’t you blame yourself ok? Just don’t”
A nurse approaches the bed with two small pots, “Mrs Edwards, now your husbands here would you take your medication please? It will help you.”
“Come on, darling. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
Reluctantly you take it and the nurse leaves you alone.
“Mrs Edwards?” asks Richey. “Whose idea was that?”
“Mine,” you splutter, between sobs. “Are you annoyed?”
“I think it suits you: Mrs Natalie Edwards – has a nice ring to it.” He cradles you to him as he strokes your hair and whispers softly to you. “Maybe we ought to make it your real name. That’s if you can cope with being married to me, of course.”
“What’s this: the sympathy move?” You keep snuggled against him. Loving the way he was able to make you feel a little better merely by his presence. “You don’t believe in marriage Rich.”
“Now what I actually said, if I can be awkward for a moment,” and a half smile flashes across his lips, “ was that I said I can’t imagine ever being able to spend my life with one person, and if I did, did I have to declare it in front of lots of people, to make it valid.”
“Umm. If you say so.”
“I certainly do. Why? Don’t you want to spend your dotage with me then?”
“Ask me when we go home, darling.”
“I will Nat, don’t you worry. And I will keep on asking you until you say yes. Mam and Dad will love you to be an official Edwards, won’t you?”
“It’s not for us to interfere, Richard,” smiles Graham, “but you know how we feel about you Natalie.”
“Indeed, you do sweetheart,” adds Sherry. “ Right, now we’re going to go, let you two be together before you go to sleep.”
“Thank you Sherry, for everything. You as well Graham,” and you hug and kiss them warmly before they go.
They had both been wonderfully supportive and strong for you. Yes they’d cried with you but they’d helped you stay positive. The doctors had said that you would still be able to have children and they kept telling you that, whilst also telling you that you could mourn the loss of this baby, a girl, however you wanted.
However, once out of sight of you the floodgates opened, and they clung together with a desperation and sadness they couldn’t put into words. They also knew that Rachel would need to know.

You somehow drifted off into a fitful sleep, as did Rich, who was still tucked up alongside you on the hospital bed, to the very obvious disgust of most of the nurses.
When you awoke Rich was having a conversation with the doctor, probably needing to have questions answered; questions he didn’t want to worry you with. Then they walked over to you.
“Morning Mrs Edwards,” said the doctor, Dr wiles, “ I’ve been explaining to your husband what occurred, and also told him a little about your baby: a little girl. You will want to chose a name for her before you arrange the funeral and what have you.”
“We need a little time,” you say. “How old was she?”
“Well we measured her at 18cm head to toe, which puts her at about 16 weeks gestation, that’s from conception. So conception would have been approximately 22nd December, give or take a day or two either side.”
“Your birthday, Richey.”
“You always said you thought it was,” he hugs you.
“I am sorry for your loss, and whilst I know it’s no consolation right now, you’re a young couple and physically Mrs Edwards you’re in good health. There is no reason why you can’t become pregnant in the future.”

Friday 16th April ’93
Little Michelle Edwards is buried in the children’s cemetery. Unfortunately some press have got hold of the details so it isn’t as private as you and Richey had hoped. Some of the press have also been rather macabre and debated why you both felt the need for a funeral as the foetus was barely developed. They don’t seem to understand that you need to grieve; or is it that they don’t want to understand.
Watching Richey carrying her pulls at your heart. Rachel keeps clinging to Richey and to you, as if afraid to let go. Sean, James, Rhian, Nicky and Rachel, Philip and Martin are all just numb and finding it difficult to come to terms with. So soon after sharing your joy at the discovery of being pregnant, they are supporting you both in your grief.
Graham and Sherry are in agony; not only have they lost their first grandchild but they are also aching with pain for Richey and you. Whilst they don’t want you to know it, they are worried that today will be the day when Richey finally gives in to his demons and mutilates himself. What they don’t realise is that they really aren’t hiding their fears very well at all.

You and Rich have decided that you will have a section of the garden in your new home (when you find it) dedicated to Michelle. Somewhere tranquil to think and remember, and it is one of the few things you have actually discussed since it happened.
Richey is becoming more and more remote as almost everyone focuses on the pain you are experiencing. At times it’s as though they don’t think he’s affected because he wasn’t the one carrying her. Yet, he has lost his daughter. His grief and emptiness is every bit as real and deep as your own and his despair and agony are clear to see.
A wedge is being driven between you. When you try to comfort him and encourage him to talk, he accuses you of being patronising and needing to go back to the ‘caring nurse’ role, to give you a purpose; yet still he tells you he loves you. He always comes a short while after he has been nasty to you, to say sorry. He knows he isn’t dealing with it well but the devastation that has taken him over is like nothing he could have imagined. How could someone he never saw; never held; never even knew, cut him up so much (Richey’s words)?
At times it’s as though you’re losing him; other times, it’s bringing you closer together. The pair of you are a mass of contradictions. In the night you cling together when you awake from the tears you both cry. Both knowing that another night is going to pass with hardly any sleep.

Friday 23rd April ’93
Richey has been in the bathroom for almost an hour and it’s quiet so you go to see he hasn’t fallen asleep. Richey is laid watching the blood from his arms drip into the water. All you can do is vomit at the sight because it reminds you of when you began losing Michelle.
“You fucking selfish bastard! How dare you do this to me!” you scream at him.
“I need to get this pain out Nat! I can’t live with it anymore.” Then he’s crying like a baby. “I’m so sorry but I couldn’t stop. The blade just…”
You pull the plug from the bath; help Richey out of it; wrap him in a towel; wrap his forearms too to help stem the blood, and sit him on the chair you have in there. Quickly you towel his hair then go and get ‘the Richey kit.’ At least the cuts were fairly superficial. You dressed them and then made him go to bed, promising you’d join him shortly.
It seemed to take forever for the telephone to be answered.
“Hello.”
“Martin it’s Natalie.”
“What’s wrong Nat?” Martin knew by the tone of your voice that it was not a social call.
“It’s Rich; he’s cut himself. He’ll be ok, they’re not really deep but can you call everyone for me please?”
“Oh God! Do you want me to come over?”
“We’ll be fine but thanks for the offer,” you reply solemnly. “I think we need sometime to really talk. I don’t know whether I’m mad at him or upset for him, if that makes sense? We just haven’t really sat down and talked about Michelle or what we’re going through. We’ve been treading on eggshells. Something had to give somewhere.”
“If you need me call me Nat. I don’t care what time of the night or day.”
“I know Martin. Thank you. I’ll keep in touch.”
“We’re all thinking of you both.”

Back upstairs Richey was just staring at the dressings on his arms. You get undressed and join him in the bed.
“Come on Teddy,” and you hold out your arms so he can cuddle up with you. “Are they sore?”
“No they don’t hurt. I just can’t get over how ugly they look my arms with all the dressings on. It’s never bothered me before,” and he scoots his body into yours. “I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but I do love you Natalie.”
“I know Teddy. I know, and I love you too. I always will, even though I hurt when you do this stuff, but now is not the time. Right now I just wanna hold you.”
“Right now, that’s exactly what I need.”

Part 5

Janey's stories