janey_test-of-endurance-2

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TEST OF ENDURANCE by Janey

PART 2

Tuesday 17th November '92
Richey and yourself take deep breaths as you get ready to face the music with the others and enter the dining room, where they are already having breakfast. You walk to your chairs holding hands and smiling, hoping that you’re both covering up the nerves that are racing through your bodies, and making you both feel immensely jittery.
James is the first to see you together and nudges Nicky as he points at the pair of you.
“Morning,” you both trill as you sat down next to one another.
“Hi!” smiles Nicky enthusiastically. “You look so much better this morning Richey.”
“I feel so much better Nicky,” he smiles back as he takes your hand and plays with your fingers. “Thanks to Nat, I feel absolutely wonderful.”
Nick’s smile fades from his mouth and is replaced by a scowl as he observes the interaction between you both.
“What the bloody hell is that supposed to fucking mean?” raged James.
“James just cool it,” urged Sean with some desperation in his voice. “Not in public huh?”
“Oh, fuck ‘em!” James fumed.
“James!” hissed Martin, “just calm down.”
“Calm down! These two are behaving like a couple of love struck kids and you say calm down!” James face is now red with rage,
“Please. Can’t you just be happy for us? Happy that we’ve finally faced up to the obvious and become a couple,” your voice is very soft and pain at the reaction thus far is evident.
“Tell me this is a bad joke,” pleaded Nicky with a strange pained expression.
“No, it isn’t.” Richey stated simply.
“I don’t know who’s gonna fuck who up the most!” exclaimed James. “Richey’s gonna fuck your head up, and you’ll be nothing more than his personal fucking bloody counsellor!”
You begin to bite your tongue to stave off the sobs that are welling up inside. You want to run, but you know you must face this out. This was never going to be easy, you were both acutely aware of that, but the scale of the venom being hurled at you was taking you both by surprise.
“No need to be such a bad loser James!” Hurled Richey with sarcasm. “ We all know how you feel about her. Pissed off she chose me?”
“Think what you like Rich, but we all know that this is going to be one relationship that never gets consummated.”
“James, you’re wrong.”
It was a simple, honest statement but the despair that flew across James’ face in that split second was tearing at your heart, and you want to hold him and let him know that things were fine, yet you know that that was not what he wanted to hear.

“You are fucking kidding, now right! I mean Richey and sex just do not go together.”
“I think you should stop this right now!” blazed Philip.
“Well I don’t!” spat James.
“Richey have you? Are you two...” Nicky was having great difficulty in getting his words out and usually he was such an eloquent man.
As Richey confirmed that it was indeed a complete relationship you watched the expression on Nicky and noticed how his bright blue eyes darkened over and became almost mournful in appearance, then without warning, he pushed his chair back and stormed out, leaving you at a loss. Why would Nicky of all people react that way to you and Richey being a couple? First Philip and then Martin and Sean chased after him, calling his name frantically.
“I don’t get it,” you sigh perplexed.
“Not very observant sometimes are you Nat?” James smirks annoyingly.
You close your eyes and throw back your head as you realise what James was inferring – Nicky was in love with Richey.
“Damn!” you berate yourself; “ I should have seen it!”
“Yes you fucking should!” James voice was growing ever louder and some of the staff were very obviously muttering to themselves about the shenanigans unfolding in front of them.
“I don’t get it,” Richey said, looking absolutely bewildered.
You and James both turn and look at him, and suddenly Richey got it.
“Oh fuck, no!” abruptly Richey was now pushing his chair back. “I need to explain to him properly Nat, ok?”
As you nod in reply he kisses you briefly on your forehead and was then chasing after his best friend.
“Well, well,” derided James, “just the two of us. How cosy.”
“He’ll be back.”
“Only after he and Nicky have fucked each other. Oh, you do know that Rich has slept with men don’t you? When he does, he likes to take it, if you understand me.”
The smirk across his face was evil and he was showing you a side to his personality that you had never been aware of. His temper was nothing new, you had lost count of the number of times he’d let rip at someone. Never a pleasant sight, but you had been utterly taken by surprise at how vindictive he could be to his ‘friends’; right now you wondered if the band could survive this. Were you and Richey the catalysts for the beginning of the end?
“Sorry to disappoint you James, but yes, I do know he’s slept with men.” Although it was absolutely the truth, saying it aloud stung more than you had anticipated.
“How are you going to be able to keep him satisfied in ‘that’ department, then Nat?”
“Why the fascination with our sex life James? Is it that you don’t believe Richey can enjoy it; or that you’re still raging and jealous because it isn’t you?”
“I think maybe he can fool you with one quick shag, but give it a day or two, certainly before you go back to work after the weekend, he won’t be able to keep up the pretence.”
“Well, he managed it all last night James. More than a few times actually.”
“And how many of those ‘times’ were with penetrative sex as opposed to oral or whatever?”
“Is that really any of your bloody business?”
“So, I was right in thinking that he couldn’t get it up much then?” James laughed an awfully eerie, smug laugh.
A rage was brewing inside and you were no longer sure how much longer you could contain it.
“Fuck you Bradfield! Let me tell you that I have no complaints about Richeys lovemaking. He is very considerate and also very bloody good, thank you very fucking much!”
“Lovemaking?” James almost chokes as he says it, apparently finding it incredibly amusing that Richey would have a concept of making love as opposed to just shagging. “That’s a very twee way of describing a quick romp isn’t it, Nat?”
“James I am telling you this because I want you to understand that Rich and I are serious about each other! I find it abhorrent that I actually have to justify what we have in this way, but obviously it’s the only way to make the point.” You barely make eye contact with James because you are so bitter about his behaviour.
“James how has this happened?” you ask, “we were friends. All of us.”
“Simple Nat; I love you and Nicky loves Rich. The pair of you has torn this band in two. I hope you’re proud of yourselves.”
“James we love each other! Please try to put your bitterness to one side and be happy for us.”
“Like I said last night Nat; I’ll wait for as long as it takes. You will come to me, I know you will. Just as I know that Richey and Nick will be together. Its fate.”
“No it isn’t. It’s you being bloody minded and nothing more than that.”
“Whatever!” He laughs with that evil twisted laugh again. “Still as far as I’m concerned I’m willing to let you guys get on with it. I promise I will say no more about it, don’t know if Nicky will be able to do the same though.”
“I hope he can, because it will be so pointless for this to come between you all.”
“Just be honest with yourself Nat. Does Richey really love you or is it a good career move for him to have a woman in his life? Not to mention the fact that he will have his very own psych nurse!”
“James I cannot believe how cynical you are! If you had been there last night you would know that Richey is genuine. You can’t fake making love the way we made love.”
“But you can pretend you’re with someone else to help. Fuck I’ve done it loads of times.”
“James!”
“Oh, stop being so bloody naive!” he smiles. “Look we’re done here ok? I wish you both luck Nat, and I promise I will not say ‘I told you so’ when it all goes pear shaped.”
“And if it doesn’t go pear shaped James? Then what will you say?”
“Then I’ll say that Richey is the luckiest man alive and I was wrong. Quite simply Nat.”
“Thank you James,” suddenly you didn’t loathe him quite so much any more and all it took was for him to show a little compassion.
It was amazing how quickly James tone of voice could change and you wondered if perhaps he had been testing you; trying to see if there was any weakness in your resolve or emotions for Richey. That would be so like him, but right now he just looked like your friend James. Cute, mischievous and just like a naughty schoolboy.
“Come here,” and he beckons you into his arms for a hug, “purely as friends Nat, I promise.”
“Whatever happens I want us to be friends James, but maybe that’s just me being naive again.”
“I’m not saying it will be easy Nat, but I will back off and let you get on with it. It’s gonna burn like hell though if you get all soppy in front of me.”
“What constitutes soppy James?” you ask with a tantalising grin as he now hugs you.
“Probably any kind of intimacy at all!” he laughs. “I guess I’ll get used to it.”
“You will meet someone James, the ‘right’ someone. Don’t close yourself off from her.”
“Ok,” he smiles. “Right, I need a smoke and as I can’t have one in here, I’m going outside.”
“I’ll see you later, whether it’s at the studios or here, we’ll have to wait and see.”
“Oh, it’ll be at the studios ‘cos Philip and Martin will give us a lecture on ‘being professional’,” he chuckles.
“Right, well I’ll go see how Richey is.”

Going back upstairs you keep thinking of what James had said. It seems to take forever to get there but that was probably due to the fact that you were worried about what may confront you if Richey and Nick were up there together. If indeed they were there. It’s possible that the two of them were out walking in grounds so they could shout at each other with less chance of being overheard. However one thing Richey didn’t do very often was shout, or just generally raise his voice. Richey would bottle things up rather than get things off his chest there and then and that was a precipitating factor with his self-harming. His emotions would reach a point were they had to come out. Thankfully he was much better equipped to deal with his emotions these days, but nothing would compare to this. This time by being honest he would evidently be hurting his best friend; someone he loves, and respects, enormously. You were scared on Richeys behalf. It was a horrible situation for him to be in. For once you knew there was nothing practical you could say or do to help him. He had to do this on his own. You could only be there after for him. For Nicky too, if he would let you.
Outside your own room, you can hear Nicky and Richey’s voices coming from the room next door. They were in Nickys room. The voices weren’t loud so you found it difficult to know what they were saying. You let yourself into your room and listen up against the adjoining wall.
‘And it felt right. Nick I feel like such a fool.’ You could hear Richey saying.
‘You genuinely never knew?’
‘Not a clue.’
‘So what now?’
‘Well, I’ve got to see where this takes me Nick. I can’t believe how complete I feel now. It’s like a piece of me has been missing but now I’m complete.’
You can hear Richey laugh.
‘It’s been the most amazing experience of my life! Hell, I can’t believe that I’m being so bloody sentimental.’
‘Well I’m glad! You have the most beautiful smile but don’t show it often enough, now look at you! Beaming so bright you can rival the Sun for intensity!’
‘Like I said earlier, I feel that I’m the luckiest guy on the planet. I never dared to dream it would feel like this. That I could actually feel like this. I never thought any one could love me, but this; well this is special.’
‘Oh no,’ you thought. ‘Please don’t let James have been right about this.’
To try and stop the tears you walk through and turn on the shower, hoping that if you stop listening you’ll be able stop thinking about it. Without thinking you snatch a pair of jeans, t-shirt, clean briefs and bra and put them on the bed ready for when you come out of the shower, and quickly take off the clothes you’re currently in. The ones you wore last night in Richey’s room.
Just as you’re about to walk into the bathroom there is a knock at the door and you agonise over whether or not to answer it.
“Nat, it’s Rich. Let me in.”
You eyes keep staring at the door; your mind still unable to decide what to do.
“Nat, come on open up!”
You grab the towelling robe, and with trepidation you walk to the door and open it. Rich is stood before you beaming broadly, so you open the door right up as an invitation for him.
“Great. Just in time for the shower huh? I’ll call that good timing,” and he embraces you in his arms, but appears confused as he feels you flinch at his touch. “Natalie, what is it?”
“How did it go? With Nick, I mean.”
“Bit sticky at first, but now we’re cool. He even commented on my smile! Says it rivals the Sun for intensity. Oh, Nat, he is so happy for us. Can’t believe how thick I was at not seeing it though.”
“Well, did he?”
“Once or twice he said, but you never said anything to him even when he tried to get you to open up, so he just figured he’d misinterpreted things.”
“And what about the way he feels about you?” you look at Rich quizzically, “can he deal with nothing happening between you?”
“He was honest with me Nat and I was honest with him. I love him. I always want him in my life,” he pauses for a time and you stare down at his feet afraid of what’s coming next, “but I’m not in love with him. I’m in love with you.”
“How is he with that?”
“He said it will sting when he sees us being affectionate with each other, but he’ll cope.”
“Has he told Rachel how he feels about you?”
“Before he had proposed to her even! Apparently she’s ok with it but has always warned him that it may not be reciprocated,” as he wraps you in his arms this time you don’t flinch at all. “I didn’t know but Nick has slept with a couple of men.”
Despite still having lots of questions for him, now was not the time.
“Umm, well that bathroom is going to be like a sauna now. Care to join me?”
“I’d love to!” and before anything else could be said he was discarding his clothes on the floor.
“Rich put them on the bed or the chair!”
“Definitely not the bed,” his lips nuzzled at your neck you became aware of warm air on your body as the robe was falling to the floor. “I have plans for the bed after this.”
“Richey we have places to be and things to do. Martin and Philip will not be best pleased if we keep the studio waiting.”
“I’m sure they can remember how it feels when you first fall in love Nat!”
Now he’s pulling gently at your skin with his teeth and mouth, and whilst it stings a little, it makes you want to melt in his arms. You just know it will leave a mark but you don’t care. Your whole body was trembling from the delicate touch of his hands.
“Maybe we should forget about the shower,” you muse as his mouth continued its ministrations.
“Uh-uh,” Richey’s voice is heavy with lust; “I fancy getting steamy with you in there! Lathering you up with lots of nice soapy bubbles…”

You are curled up together on the bed snaking invisible patterns over one another with your fingertips when you hear the knock at the door.
“Rich: Nat: We’re leaving in a few minutes. Just make sure you both get there by 10am or you’ll both be sorry!”
“Poor Martin!” giggles Richey. “That was a very half hearted rebuke wasn’t it?”
“Perhaps the romantic side of his nature got the better of him,” very lightly you lick the scars that run over Richey’s chest, some of them old, a few from just yesterday which still seemed very red and angry.
“That tickles!” Richey takes your head tenderly in his hands and draws you upwards until his mouth captures yours in a passionate kiss. His tongue plays for a brief while before he replaces it with his thumb and then sucks sensitively on your bottom lip.
“Rich if you keep doing tricks like this we’ll never get out of bed,” you jovially remark, “ which I think would be great, however…”
“However what?”
Brown eyes gaze at you heavy with craving and with a smile full of torment; which, upon seeing your reaction, becomes even more wicked as he dares you to discover enough inner strength to make him stop. Rich sweeps his long, thin fingers through your almost black hair as he moves it back from your face, carefully tucking some behind your ears.
“Well, you were saying?” His tongue deliciously flicks at your ear lobe and he whispers softly, “I want to make love with you, Nat. I want to hear you scream my name as you cum and to have you grab onto me like your life depends on it.”
“Damn you Edwards!”
His laugh is as wicked, as it is intoxicating as your resolve collapses and with complete abandonment, kiss and hold him with an animalistic frenzy that seems to come from nowhere.

That was to be the one and only day that you were both late for anything. You had both arrived at 10.10 am but from the howling and the cat calls that accompanied your arrival, it was as though you’d got there just in time for you to go back to the hotel again.
James had made various comments to you after Richey had removed his shirt to change and thus shown the marks and scratches on his back, arms and chest, indicating the enthusiasm you both shared when making love. James had taken you to one side and merely informed you that you didn’t have to ‘try so hard.’ When you asked him what that meant James had said, ‘the marks are a bit much.’

The following day, Wednesday 18th November 1992, you all woke to discover a few inches of snow had settled on the ground during the night. Needless to say the child in you all came out and after breakfast there ensued one hell of a snow ball fight, followed by a build a snowman competition. However due to friendly rivalry this soon disintegrated into another snowball fight, with said snowmen all being destroyed in the process.
It was also quite a significant day as both you and Richey had agreed to officially share a room and Richey had therefore vacated his room and everything was now in yours. The significance was emphasised as Nicky approached when you were all going back to change clothes and warm up.
“It must be serious for this then,” grimaces Nicky.
“This was Richey’s idea not mine,” you voice the words softly but you need to be sure that Nick knows Rich hasn’t been forced into anything.
“He told me. Just as we were about to start the snowball fight, can you believe.”
“I’m sorry Nick,” suddenly you stop walking and place a hand on his left arm. “ If I had known, well, if we had known, we wouldn’t have been so brazen about things at breakfast. How are you with all this, or is that a stupid question?”
“You know what? At first I was gutted, really gutted. Then when Rich caught up with us and persuaded me to listen to him, I don’t know, there was just something in his eyes,” his strong arms suddenly hug you into him. “I knew then that he loves you. Really loves you. For that I’m happy.”
“I can’t quite believe it myself. I keep thinking I’m gonna wake up and it’s all been a dream.”
“Oh Nat! This is no dream. He has become so…” Nicky searches for the words before continuing, “alive. That’s the only way I can describe him now. He has a spring in his step and this huge smile on his face all the time.”
You smile at Nick’s words and stroke his arm a little as you both begin walking again.
“In fact,” he adds with a little levity, “we may even be on for a double wedding next September!”
“Now that is jumping the gun!” you laugh raucously. “You know that Richey has an aversion to marriage, 2point4 children and the white picket fence, me too for that.”
“Let’s see huh?” The big jaws grin is back and it comes as a huge relief.
Then, without you having a chance to realise what was happening, Nick plunges his hand into the snow and you feel something cold and wet upon your face.

Saturday 21st November '92.
“I wish you didn’t have to go tomorrow,” Richey murmurs as he sucks on your right nipple. “I shall miss this; the closeness; cuddling with you.”
“It’s not for too long though.”
Richey could only just make out your words as you hands are around his head, tugging at his hair and pulling his mouth harder onto your erect, hard red nub.
“We’ll be together in less than a month, Rich.”
“Seems like a long time away.”
“Time for us both to do our Christmas shopping, and” very deliberately you pause for a short while, “ I have to make sure I get my boyfriend something special for his first birthday with us being together as a couple.”
Richey grows very animated and sits up on the edge of the bed, grinning like a Cheshire cat. He then stands up and pads off towards a chest of drawers in which he has placed his diary, and frantically begins flicking through it.
“When are you going to Wales to drop our presents off?” enthuses Rich.
“December 19th. A quick overnight, why?” Now you are sat up in the bed, and Richey comes and sits beside you.
“Well we have commitments on the Monday morning, a radio interview, so how about I drive over to York straight after? That way we can be together for my birthday and for Christmas!”
You stroke his face lovingly. His enthusiasm is a delight to see and he appears even more handsome than you can ever remember him looking.
“I won’t get home from work till about 3pm on Christmas day. Might be a bit lonely for you.”
“No, No!” Came the vehement protest. “I’d get the dinner ready. We could have a late dinner when you get in and then open our presents.”
“Rich you can’t cook!”
“My mum will teach me.” Strong arms are wrapped around you again. “I have a good reason to learn now.”
“Richey Edwards you are incorrigible!”
“That’s why you love me,” came his winked reply, as you become aware of your bodies sliding down the bed.
Seriousness crosses your features and then you softly smile, “yes I do Rich. I love you so much.”
Rich studies your eyes intently for some while prior to replying, “I know. I don’t know why you do because I don’t deserve it. All I’ve done is cause you pain and worry. When I cut myself I hurt you more than I hurt myself. Same with my drinking.”
“Stop beating yourself up,” you hug him into you. “I love you because you’re you. Not for what I think you should be Richey. Anyhow, the cutting doesn’t happen as much, nor is it as bad. Small steps I know, but steps non the less.”
“You’re too good for me.”
“STOP!”
Richey pulls back swiftly, shocked at the force of the shout that has came from your lips.
“Richey we are a team, ok? Good; bad; everything. If you get the urge to cut and nothing can take it away, then I’ll be there! It may be on the phone but just like now; I’ll try to be with you. That won’t change Rich and you must keep being honest with me. Don’t hide how you feel because you don’t want to distress me Rich, because that will hurt me so much more! You trust me enough to confide in me now. Please don’t stop.” Your eyes plead with him and tears are forming and you have to fight to regain control because you don’t want to upset Richey.
“I hurt you enough when we weren’t intimate though Nat; now that we are it’s gonna be even worse for you, and I know what you’re like; you’ll be convinced it’s your fault in some way.” Tears trickle slowly down Richey’s face as he speaks, and the pain in his eyes is plain to see and rents at your heart. “I don’t know if I could live with the guilt of hurting you like that. You have invested time, understanding, friendship and now love and I may just throw it all back in your face. Why put yourself through that? Why don’t we just stop this now?”
Richey is sobbing and his body is shaking. His breathing comes in desperate gasps as his fingers tug at his own hair and you can only stare, stunned, as he begins to pull his hair out.
“Richey,” was the simple and soft whisper, “ It’s my decision. I didn’t HAVE to be in a physical relationship with you; I want to be! The joy and pleasure of being with you; seeing that beautiful smile when we make love; being on the receiving end of such beautiful tenderness and affection; hearing you laugh with such enthusiasm; of feeling your body against mine, these things are part of why I am with you.”
“But the cutting Nat! Love shouldn’t be about frightening your partner half to death.”
“And it isn’t!” You hug his thin frame lightly and rub your fingers up and down his back and then add, “it’s not as though you sit there and say to yourself ‘right how can I hurt Nat? I know I’ll cut myself so that I bleed heavily,’ is it now?”
“No.” Richey’s response was only just audible.
“And you do it when you get to a point that nothing else works. That point is a lot further away than it used to be Rich. Cutting is no longer the first thing you do, so, who’s to say that one day you may not do it at all?”
“But if I do?” Dark, sorrowful eyes plead with you.
“If you do I’ll still love you. I’ll still hug you and kiss you. I’ll still want to share your bed and make love with you. I’m not going anywhere Rich; I’m here for the duration.” Gently your soft fingers sweep away Richey’s tears from across his cheeks, and your lips kiss the skin beneath them, drinking the slightly salty taste.
“And these?” his hands brush over the various scars on his body. “How long before they disgust you? How long before seeing them repulses you and you can’t bare to make love with me anymore?”
“Oh, Richey. They are a part of you. I love you. Plain and simple.”
“But will it always be that simple?”
“I know that things are not going to be easy for us Rich. But I’m not a quitter and I know how strongly I feel about you, for you, about us. I will do everything that I can to ensure that we work. I’ve had to stitch you up, bandage you and clean your blood and vomit Rich, yet here I am.”
“Nat, I’m frightened. Frightened that it will be too much and you’ll go and I couldn’t handle that. I’ve never been like this before. Hell I never thought this love crap could happen to me.”
“Oh, Teddy come here,” together you snuggle closer for a cuddle, then you whisper to him, “love can be frightening Rich because you have to trust someone else. But like I said Teddy Edwards, I love you and I do not intend to do a runner! Hell we know so much about each other, including the shortfalls and the bad habits.”
“I need to know that you’re sure,” he softly sighs into your neck.
“I know, and I am Teddy. Besides…”
Searching brown eyes gaze at you, “besides what?”
“You give the best cuddles in the world Teddy.” You smile broadly at him and feel a glow inside as you see his mouth react and begin to smile.
“I’m being stupid huh?”
“No, not stupid Richey, just careful.”
“Umm, Nat”
“Yes Rich?”
“No one calls me Teddy in quite the same sexy way that you do!”
“So I shouldn’t call you it unless we’re in private then?”
“Only if you’re intending to ravish me soon after!”
“Ok then, Rich. I’ll stop it.”
“Don’t you dare!” Abruptly Rich lays you on your back beneath him and that gorgeous 18ct gold Richey smile is being shown, and his childlike giggle is back.
“Why not Teddy?” you simper tantalisingly.
“I kinda like how it makes me feel,” and to make his point he takes your hand and places it on his growing erection. “See what I mean?”
“I think perhaps you need to show me!”

Sunday 22nd November '92
The journey back home was the longest one that you could ever remember making. Saying goodbye to the guys was especially poignant this time namely because there had been such a huge change in your relationships. James was still smarting over the public displays of affection you and Richey were showing one another, and had been unable to resist telling you once again that he would have you. Again you had been adamant that he wouldn’t.
Nicky was more or less back to being Nicky, although things were a little awkward occasionally. Sean was just Sean, whilst Martin and Philip had both pleaded with you both that you make sure you know what you are doing as the effect on the group could be cataclysmic.
Once outside the grounds of the hotel, you had had to stop the car, as due to tears streaming down your face, you could barely see where you were going. Richey had been shaking as he had hugged you goodbye and wished you a safe journey, and as you had glanced back in the drivers mirror, you had seen Sean with his arm around his shoulders, as Rich appeared to be sobbing. At that moment you had so badly wanted to go to him and take his pain away, but you knew that wasn't to be. Tomorrow you were back at work. You had to go back.
On arriving home before even putting the washer on, you had called Richey to let him know that you had got home safely. Thankfully he sounded much brighter and joked that he’d hoped you hadn’t noticed him balling his eyes out like some ‘love struck teenager’, and had been thrilled that he had been able to use James’ own words as a description.

Part 3

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