nnn



















Message Board
Fan-Fiction
Pictures
Guest Book
Guest Map
Links
Greeting Cards
Home
Contacts
PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE  by Janey                 <<< Part 2

PART 3


James and I were silent for what seemed to be forever, yet also what was no time at all.  It was a lot to digest, after all.  If Steph could lie to me and betray me in such a way, what else had she done and been capable of?  Supposedly she had thought a lot of all the guys but yet it hadn’t stopped her from playing and manipulating us all.
What else had she embellished or lied about?  After more than 20 years I suddenly realised that I had never actually known her at all; there was a side to her that was utterly alien to me, despite my … what were they?  Suspicions? – I had nothing to base anything on.  I always had a sense though that something was not quite right.  The trouble was it was never anything I could put my finger on, or she was always able to find a plausible explanation.

I shook my head in disgust – I had ignored my inner most instincts.  Many, many times I had wanted to challenge her further but how could I when I had started to pull back?  Then with Richey and Nicky, I wasn’t around so how could I dispute it?  Richey never gave any indication that Nicky had a problem with their relationship, other than that of declaration, but that was also something that Richey shared, so why would or should
she make it into such a big deal?  It was an open secret to a degree.  I knew it even though Richey never told me directly.  He just wasn’t that good at hiding his emotions.

On one spectacularly drunken occasion, Richey had told me that Nicky had great difficulty in accepting his sexuality, especially as he was with Rachel and had proposed to her, with her accepting.  I had somewhat conveniently I suppose, distanced myself a little at that point.  That gave me no right to comment, but I still did.  I advised him not to let Nicky go if he loved him.  I now realised how stupid it was.  The world wasn’t as tolerant back then; hell it still wasn’t at times – would Nick and Rich have survived?  I can’t even attempt to answer that.

Richey was so obvious; when he wanted a quick fuck, not only would he say so but also you could see it in him.  Not only in his eyes but his body language and his general persona.  Everything within him changed.  He grew distant and would point people out to the minders/roadcrew.  He and Nicky were so very obviously close.  He never openly admitted that they slept together; but as I said before, he never denied it. 

Actually I always kind of loved the way that Richey would get all coy and shy when talking about Nick.  In interviews he would goad Nick by saying: ‘No one loves me really or understands me,’ to which Nicky would respond; ‘I understand Richey.  I will always love and understand you Richey, and I mean love you.’  The trouble was; because they both ‘camped’ it up, no one believed them.

“What are you giggling at?” queried James.
“Rich and Nick,” I muttered.
“Umm, got away with a lot didn’t they?” said James.
“I’m just starting to realise how much,” I moaned, disgruntled.  “She fucked them up.”
It was a statement and James could do nothing but stare at me.
“I know, it was an open secret for those who were accepting of it,” I said. “If you weren’t, the excuse, and forgive me if I’m wrong here, but the excuse was ‘hell, we’re just camping it up and having fun with our screen images!’ right?”
“Pretty much, yes.”

“He never came right out with it you know?  I mean it was there, but, hell he was such a clever shit sometimes that he baffled me.” I laughed, nervously.  “That little, wonderful giggle of his always got me!  I could forgive him almost everything after that.”
James sighed, moaned and shifted uneasily on the bed; “you NEVER slept with him?  I mean like as a friend or whatever.  He never told you about him and Nick?”

“Or whatever?  Yes I slept with him in the sense that we shared a bed but we were never the least bit intimate; so no sex or … you know.”
“You mean no blow jobs or masturbation.”
“Yes.”
“Right.”
“Ok.”
“OK.”
“Ok?”
“Yes ok.”
“Right.”
“Ok.”
“Good.”
James started giggling and grinning madly.  “Hell, that was one deep conversation wasn’t it?”
I couldn’t help but laugh with him – it had been odd, I had to admit. “You can tell I’m an author can’t you?”
“Oh yeah!  You have a real case of verbal diarrhoea there!” he said, but then the smirk left his face and a more serious expression took it’s place as he cupped my face delicately in his hands.
“James, what is it?” I asked nervously.
“I just realised how natural it is to be with you like this, and that kinda got me to thinking if it will happen again.  I mean once you’ve left us and we all go back to our lives, will we ever see each other again or will it be another decade or more before we meet?"
“I don’t know,” I answered simply.  “Who knows what’s going to happen, so why don’t we just enjoy the time that we do have as friends and not think about anything else.”
“Karen, I don’t want to spend time with you like this and then have you leave my life again.”
“I can’t give you answers James.”
“You can tell me what you want to happen; that would be a start.”

I hesitated.  The last thing I wanted was to start talking about things like that.  I heaved a huge sigh and muttered; “Let’s see what happens and where it takes us James.  It’s more than possible that we won’t actually have very much in common any more.”
“You’re making excuses,” winked James, trying hard not to make the mood too heavy.  “I still love you, and you still love me so what’s the problem?  Don’t tell me that my kissing is that bad!”
I couldn’t help but snigger; he looked gorgeous when he smiled.  “The kiss was fine.”
“How about another one then?”  He asked.
He smiled and winked at me and I thought that I was going to melt, his body moulding into mine and his warm breath tickling my neck.
“If I let that happen you’ll read something into it.”
“What if I promise I won’t?”
“I won’t believe you,” I smiled back at him, my fingers playing with his. 
“That’s a shame,” he muttered, gripping my hands behind my back and then taking my mouth in a deep, passionate kiss.

Despite his obvious arousal, James made no other moves on me at all.  Instead he kissed and held me like no one else ever had, and I could have kicked myself for my stubbornness getting in the way, all of those years ago, and of possibly missing out on the opportunity to have experienced this before. 
Part of me was still trying to be sensible as I got more and more caught up with James, and was warning me to step back, and not get carried away.  Unfortunately the pull of James’ charisma was far stronger than my inner resolve, and I couldn’t find the strength or the will, to break the embrace for a long time.
“Umm,” moaned James, snuggling into my neck as we reluctantly parted.  “I could have stayed like that for ever.”
“We can’t though, can we?”
James propped himself up on an elbow, grinned at me and said; “why don’t you just enjoy it?”
“I did.”
“But you’re still thinking that we may go our separate ways after this.”
“It’s highly likely.”
“So why not just enjoy these few days and make the most of them.”
“Because I’m not like that James,” I sighed.  “That was your department.”
As soon as I said it, I blurted out a hurried ‘sorry’ and put my hands over my face and shook my head in disgust.
“That was below the belt,” he said sadly.
“I know. I just can’t let myself ‘go’ with you, when I may never see you again.”
“We can resolve this you know,” he muttered.  “Agree to keep in touch and give ‘us’ a chance.”
I reached out and ran a fingertip over his fleshy lips.  “I don’t think that would be possible, do you?”
“You are bloody impossible!” cried James raising his voice, and turning so that he was now sat on the edge of the bed, pain and frustration running through him.  “What the hell are you so afraid of?”
“Nothing.  I just don’t think it’s sensible to try to recapture something that was part of another life.”

“Excuse me but the way we feel is very much a part of the here and now.”
“Based on who we were all of those years ago.  You want me to be honest with you? Fine I will be,” I stated.  “Nothing is going to come of us James: Not ever.  I can forgive but I can’t forget, so while that means we may still be able to meet up and be friendly, that will be as far as it goes.”
He stared at me for the longest of times; his brow furrowed with tension and his eyes black with a strange mix of confusion and anger.  “So she wins doesn’t she?”
“No she doesn’t; common sense does.”
“There is nothing sensible about this decision you’ve come to,” he spat.  “Steph isn’t here anymore but she still keeps us separated, and miserable.  Can you imagine how happy she would be right now?  Cock-a-hoop.”
“Beside, who’s miserable?”  I asked him.  “Certainly not me, thank you very much.”
“You could have fooled me.  Your eyes have hardly any sparkle to them, except for when you’re close to me, and after we kissed you actually looked alive and beaming.”
“Today is not the best example to use is it?  For a start I was dreading seeing you lot again, and then I hurt my bloody head!  It has not been a typical day, by any stretch of the imagination.”
“Well I’ve been miserable these years without you.  There were times when I wasn’t sure if I hated you or loved you but you were always in my head, and in my dreams.”
“Ditto.  But we have to move on, James.  We can’t cling to our past.  Move on, enjoy the present and look to the future; I am.”
Without saying another word he stood up and walked out of the room, without even giving me a second glance.

I got some clothes out of the case that had been brought up from the car, had a quick wash, and with a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach, went to find James.  He was outside in the garden, nursing a cold beer, looking utterly miserable.
“Can I join you, or would you like me to take a long walk off a short pier right now?” I asked nervously.  He merely shrugged his shoulders.  This was going to be tough.  “I know I’ve hurt you James, but please don’t hate me.  I don’t want to go back to the atmosphere that we had earlier, not when we were getting along so much better.”  Still I didn’t sit down.
“Am I just supposed to forget that after all these years I finally had the woman that I love in my arms, kissing me?” Still he didn’t glance at me.  “Well I can’t!”
I flinched and stepped backwards as the table went flying across the garden, along with a chair, and James stormed off.  “James!” I called after him, but he carried on striding away.  I was shaking and I wanted to cry.  Damn! I’d really fucked it up this time.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Asked James, as he noticed me standing at the entrance to the house.
“I’ve got a taxi coming,” I answered meekly.  “I have a friend who lives not to far from here and I’m staying at their home tonight.  They’ll bring me back for the car tomorrow.”
“Running away because you feel guilty or because you’re worried we may end up kissing again?”
“Both,” I said simply.  “I never should have agreed to meet up with you all, and I never should have gotten involved in this bloody wretched book!  I’ll be here early for the car so I don’t know if Sean and Nicky will be back.  If I miss them will you tell them I said goodbye?”
“Do it yourself!” He snapped and stomped back in, slamming the imposing door behind him.
I bit on my bottom lip to prevent my tears from falling.

“Thanks Gill,” I waved, watching my friends car pull away, and then opened the boot of my own and put my belongings in.  I had a quick glance at my watch: 07.34am.  Nicky and Sean would still be at the hotel, I thought, so I took a last look at the house, sighed, and walked to the drivers’ side door.
“Thought it must be you,” James grimaced.  “Sean and Nick are just getting up so come and say bye to them.”
Then he walked back in.  Hell he looked rough, like he hadn’t slept much.  Nick and Sean: Surely it was too early for them to have left the hotel?  Confused I wandered in, and followed the smell of coffee and the noise of china.
“Drink while you wait?”
“Erm yes, thank you.”
I couldn’t get over how old James appeared this morning.  His eyes were heavy and his skin seemed to have a slightly grey pallor.  Even his movements were heavy and laboured, not sprightly and enthusiastic.  I stood beside the huge range cooker as I watched him, my stomach developing butterflies and warmth starting to spread through me.
“There you go,” he said, breaking my daydream.  “Black, no sugar.” He had remembered.
Gently he put the cup down beside me, brushing against me with his arm; then he smiled as he heard the tiny moan that I emitted from my lips. 
Our eyes were locked onto each other, and it was like my legs were paralysed and I couldn’t move away from him. 
Damn him for making me feel this way, I thought to myself.
“You forgot something last night,” he said softly.
“I did?  What was that?” I asked, confused.
“This.”

My knees tingled, my legs turned to jelly and I was convinced I was going to flop to the floor.  He was kissing me so sweetly, his hands holding me next to him, and all I could do was respond; I had no strength to fight him away; nor did I really want to.  Instead I did the only thing my heart was telling me to do, and returned his kiss with passion and enthusiasm, my arms curling around his broad shoulders and my body moulding into his.
“James,” I whimpered into his mouth, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.
“Damn you woman,” he moaned, planting little kisses down my neck until the top button of my blouse stood in his way.  He removed one hand from caressing my back and started to undo the button, and as it opened his mouth captured the bare flesh that had been beneath.
“James,” I panted, breathlessly. 
James smirked as he glanced at me, with wickedness in his eyes.  “Having trouble finding our words this morning, Karen?”
“So it would seem,” I said, blushing like a teenager.
“Can we give us a try then?  See where it takes us?”
I started to say ‘yes’ but before I could get all of the word out, James was kissing me again, and I never wanted him to stop.




Part 4



<<< Janey's stories
1