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| PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE by Janey <<< Part 1 PART 2 Groggily I winced and tried to make sense of where I was and what had happened. “Karen, Karen, come on honey, wake up.” I knew the voice but couldn’t put a name to it; my head hurt still hurt like hell and I was disoriented and confused. Slowly and painfully, I forced my eyes open and steadily I became acclimatised to my strange surroundings; I recognised nothing. I was in a huge bed; the largest I think I’ve ever seen, wearing just a sheet to preserve my modesty. “Sorry but you vomited over your clothes,” apologised James, gazing down at his feet in embarrassment. Now I remembered that voice, and hazy memories of what had happened began to come back to me. “You didn’t bring any other clothes with you,” expanded Nick, “ so we cleaned you up, undressed you, washed your things, and well, here you are.” “The car,” I whimpered. “The case is in the car.” “But…” “I said I didn’t WANT to stay – not that I couldn’t,” I winced. “My case is in the boot.” “Damn,” moaned Sean, berating himself. “None of us thought to check the car.” “Never mind,” I said edging myself onto my elbows. “I can wear what you’ve washed again.” “Umm,” muttered James, with a very unhappy expression on his face. “Whose room is this?” I asked, scanning around and noticing various items of clothing strewn about the place. “Mine,” said James. “Don’t worry, I’ll get another one. It’s just that this was the closest one, and we had to clean you up and everything.” As my mind and body gradually woke up, I felt a little better though my head still throbbed; it was a lot better than it had been. “Thanks, but if you can get me my clothes I’ll be out of your way and get back home.” “We haven’t finished,” said Nicky. “We never got to talk about the book.” “I’ll let them know that I agree with any changes that you want,” I yawned, stretching to help myself wake up completely. “But…” “I feel much better now. I just want to get out of here. Or if you really want I guess we could rearrange this…” I struggled for the right words to express myself adequately. “Fiasco?” said James with raised eyebrows, somewhat unhelpfully. I flashed him a glance of contempt and with what was supposed to be a dramatic flourish, threw the sheet back, deciding that as they had seen me naked when they undressed and washed me, what did it matter if they saw me again. What I hadn’t bargained for, was not actually being able to stand upright for anything longer than a few seconds before tumbling back down onto the bed, feeling very dizzy and disoriented again. “Now will you let someone check you over?” said Nicky in exasperation, covering me back over with the sheet again. “You can’t go anywhere like this.” Sean rummaged through my document case, which was alongside the huge wardrobe, took out my car keys with a look of what could only be described as euphoria, and scuttled off presumably to the car. Nicky followed shortly after leaving James, who sat down next to me on the bed; much to my annoyance. “What am I going to do with you?” he asked with a wry smile. Damn him! I swear he’s enjoying this. He probably finds it funny that I’m so incapacitated. “YOU don’t have to do anything, nor do I want you to.” I spat rubbing my head and smarting when I found the cut and raised lump, grimacing and moaning in pain. “You are even more stubborn than I ever thought possible,” he said. “Still, stubborn is slightly better than the downright rude and obnoxious display that you showed us earlier. You’ve changed.” “Changed!” I gasped. “How the hell would you know? I haven’t had any contact with you in years, and I doubt you can remember much of those days clearly anyway.” “As I recall we got on well. I mean you were never into the band like Steph was, but I still thought we all got along with each other. What happened to change all that? Richey never said and neither did Steph.” “It was simple. I hung around chatting with you lot because of Steph. One day I decided, quite simply, that I didn’t want to do that anymore because it meant nothing to me, so I stopped. I kept seeing Richey because I liked him; I loved him and he was my friend.” “And we weren’t?” “No you weren’t.” It stung me even as I said it. I had genuinely liked them, despite not liking their music, but seeing Steph flaunting herself around them made me feel ill. Then with the ‘James thing’, well I just couldn’t stand to be around them and subject myself to that pain. James seemed downcast and started to mumble something but then glanced at me and decided better of it. “Then of course when I went to Norwich, I saw even less of you. Apart from rabbiting on about which of you she was fucking, or prattling on about the latest track you were doing, she never really told me about what you were up to or what you were interested in. When I chatted with Richey, well, we got caught up talking about books that we had read, films that we’d seen or speeches that we’d heard. We didn’t have time to talk about your pathetic shagging to be honest.” I was livid. All the pain that I had carried over the years was spilling out and I knew I would have to rein in my emotions or I would lose it big time. James shifted uneasily. “Until I read that bloody manuscript, I had no idea that she was fucking Nicky and me at the same time you know. She told me she had slept with Nick and Richey AFTER I’d slept with her that first time, and that it was only the once. I really didn’t have cause to complain did I? Not when I was shagging almost every woman with a pulse; and a few guys for that.” His deep brown eyes had a deep sadness burned into them and I almost wanted to put my arms around him and give him a hug, but I wouldn’t. It would be like giving in to him and I couldn’t do it – he had hurt me too much and I just found it too hard to erase that from my memory. “You should have said ‘NO’! She was supposed to be a friend and just because you slept with her the once did not mean that you had to keep doing so. Beside which,” I hurled at him, “you always took the piss out of her, and I heard you say I don’t know how many times, that you thought she was sad and pathetic!” “I know that!” Again he shifted about and ran his fingers through his hair. He was hurting at the memory of it – I knew it. He seemed so ashamed of himself now and all his brashness and confidence was leaving him. He appeared vulnerable and almost fragile somehow. “We used each other. We just kinda like reached an understanding you know, no shagging when either of us was in a relationship, but other than that…well…” He couldn’t or wouldn’t meet my eyes; I wasn’t sure which. I sniggered out loud; “yeah, flash a bit of pussy and you couldn’t resist right?” “Oh for fuck’s sake!” exclaimed James with a mixture of pain and frustration. He then took a couple of deep breathes, met my eyes and added, “what it said about us still meeting up for sex until right near the time she died,” he paused and looked at me earnestly. “We hadn’t slept together for about six years by then; I don’t know why she wrote it because it just wasn’t true.” “Why the hell would she lie? She had no reason to as far as I can see, because she makes herself look cheap at best doesn’t she? I mean, come on, between shagging you, Nicky, Richey and most of the crew over the years there really weren’t many people left. She made herself look a right tart.” “Karen I don’t know what was going on in her mind, but I swear to you that I really wasn’t sleeping with her then. Fuck, if you had stayed around I wouldn’t have shagged her for so long anyway, but you pulled back.” I glared at him. How dare he be so insolent? “If I hadn’t what?” I screamed. “You arrogant bastard! As a student I couldn’t go to many of your gigs, but I went whenever I could, and when I began earning good money from my stories and then my books, I went to all of the ones that Steph went to, with her. So I stood at the back of the hall or near an escape route – I WENT!” “Will you listen to yourself!” screamed James. “James,” I said as calmly as I could; “I went to them. Honestly I did.” He studied my face intently, searching for signs of whether or not I was telling the truth. “She told us that you refused,” he eventually said. “And when Richey went she said you had no reason to go to them any more.” I could hardly believe what I was hearing. Could it really be that my dearest friend could have been so two faced and devious? Did I really know so little of her? A part of me wanted to admit that aspects of her behaviour were more than a little ‘puzzling’, but still, why would she do such a thing? “You know,” said James, interrupting my thoughts. “Nicky told me the other night that far from backing off when he and Rachel got married, she actually got worse. He told me that several times he had gone back to his hotel room to discover Steph in his bed, absolutely stark naked, and that he had had to call security a few times to remove her. She even telephoned him constantly, turned up at his house and sent him some pretty explicit mail and pictures. Eventually he had to get a court order out on her to stop her from bothering him.” “No. I don’t believe you!” I shouted. “Karen, I’m sorry. It must be hard hearing about what she was like.” “So why did you sleep with her then James? I mean after that first time,” it took me what seemed like an eternity to spit the words out, and even as I did, I couldn’t look directly at him. “Does it really matter?” he asked, fidgeting with his cheeks nervously. “It was a long time ago; no point in raking over old coals. It’s not going to alter anything is it?” “Perhaps not but…” I stuttered. How could I explain to James that the more I heard the less it appeared I actually knew about my ‘friend’? I flinched and rubbed my head again. “You really should get some rest Karen,” he whispered softly and he tenderly stroked my arm, making the fine hairs stand up. “I will, but please, answer me first James.” I stared at him, pleading with my eyes. He huffed, hissed and glared, but then seemed to acknowledge that I would not leave it alone, and so relented; “One day after we’d been rehearsing, you went outside with Richey, as you often did for a cigarette. I explained to Steph that I really liked you and wanted to take you out, but because we were both so shy, I didn’t want anything that would sound like a heavy date, so I asked her for some suggestions.” He gazed at me with an almost sorrowful, lost look. His brown eyes now all muddy and almost black. I don’t think I’d ever seen him so sad before. He seemed to be on the verge of tears, and that shocked me. I’d never known James cry, not even when he found his first fiancée was screwing Flicker, he had told her to get lost and shouted like hell at Flicker, but he hadn’t cried. Not one tear. “That’s when she told me that you were seeing Richey, and that your ‘friendship’ was a cover up for a fully fledged relationship. I can’t tell you how bloody devastated I was, that I had fucked up so badly,” he struggled to prevent his voice from cracking: it was very shaky. “James, we were just very good friends, not that you have reason to believe me, but I don’t have reason to lie either do I? I never slept with him, but I did tell Steph how I felt about you,” I said softly, turning his face so that he had to meet my gaze instead of watching his feet. “It rocked me when I found out that you had slept together. I was willing to forget about it, only then you slept with her again.” I wondered why the hell I felt so betrayed. “Why didn’t you ask Richey, James, huh?” “I did. All he did was grin and walk off. I figured that that meant it was true – sorry.” “Me too,” I added sadly. “I should have known,” James moaned with his head in his hands. “Richey spent time with us even when you were staying; if he’d have been in a relationship with you he would have wanted to be with you as often as possible, and certainly every night. I don’t understand why I never thought of that at the time.” I was starting to feel groggy again; “Let’s not worry about that now,” I said. “We can talk later, right? I’m getting a bit tired and woozy again.” “Right, well I’ll make sure that we’re all nice and quiet so that you can rest. I’ll come up and wake you around 6pm ok?” His smile was so warm and friendly; I could have melted. “Thanks James.” “No problem.” Lightly he brushed the back of his fingertips across my forehead and indicated for me to get back beneath the sheet and to snuggle down properly, which I duly did. I could smell James on the sheet; and it was strangely comforting. “Don’t even think about it,” smiled James when he found me just waking up and the radio gently playing in the background. “Think about what exactly?” I yawned. “Going back. You are staying tonight young lady whether you like it or not,” he spoke with determination but yet with a strange addition of compassion, and sat on the bed near me, stroking my hair. “We have confiscated your car keys so that you can’t go anywhere.” “Holding me hostage huh?” I giggled sleepily. “That’s one hell of a tactic.” He smiled; “It’s for your own good,” he said light heartedly, his brown eyes twinkling with not only warmth but something else that I couldn’t pinpoint. I don’t now what made me do it, but impulsively I reached out my arms and pulled him down for a kiss. I heard a low moan as I closed my eyes and then felt his soft, full lips touching mine. So many years I had wondered what it would be like to have him kissing me, and now I knew; it was wonderful. James curled an arm under my shoulder and held me close to him, and it was an amazing sensation to be holding him, and touching him in this way finally. His tongue smoothly slid into my mouth and began caressing my own slowly, whilst he slid down onto the bed to embrace me properly and to hold my body closer to his. “Thank you for taking care of me,” I murmured happily. “It’s my pleasure,” he eventually answered. “ I should have been doing that for a lot longer and a lot better. I’ve let you down; badly.” “Nothing like as badly as Steph,” I replied heavily, then flinched and put a hand on my head as it began pounding again. “We really should get you to a doctor.” “It’s nothing that a bit of rest can’t cure,” I smiled feebly. “Besides, Nicky was right; we do have a lot to talk about.” “Ahh well,” he mumbled. “ I kinda like have a confession to make.” “Go on.” “I erm asked Nick and Sean to stay at the other side of this bloody house, so that we could have some privacy and time to talk.” “Sneaky.” Umm, well they’ve decided to go to hotel anyway, for the night.” He brushed some hair off my face. “Do you mind? “No, we could do with some time on our own,” I replied. “We have things to sort out that are nothing to do with that damned book, but about us.” “That’s what I figured.” “Oh and James.” “Yes?” “Breaking contact with you all really did hurt me,” I said. “I genuinely did you love you all, it was just…” “Shush,” he whispered softly, pressing his warm lips to my forehead. “We have time for that later.” “I did it to stop me from hurting, only it didn’t take the pain away, it made it worse. I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing you and Steph together, knowing what had happened.” I needed to explain. “Oh Karen,” he sighed, soothingly running his hands over my shoulders and arms. “Don’t beat yourself up about it. I should never have believed her about you and Richey, and I certainly should never have let it carry on for as long as it did. I have wasted so much of my bloody life and hurt you more that I could ever imagine, and for what? A quick romp every now and again, and not one that I particularly enjoyed either.” “So why? You could have told her that you didn’t want it anymore.” “Yeah I could, but to be honest, at the time any sex was better than no sex at all. I mean I was a young guy when all this started and it was flattering. Then it just sort of became comfortable, you know?” For all I could see that it was tearing him up to be so honest with me, I admired him. Not once did he break eye contact or stop holding me. All those years of hating him, and now I almost pitied him. Only almost. “Plus,” he continued, “I wanted to hurt you the way that you had hurt me.” “Hurt you?” I asked incredulously. “What did I do to hurt you?” “You have at to remember that at the time I thought you were sleeping with Richey, and having a relationship with him. I was gutted,” James moaned heavily. “I loved you; all of these years I have loved you, and, as soon as I saw you today, I knew that I still did.” Tears welled up in my eyes, and I reached out and caressed his strong jaw. “I never stopped loving you. Oh I hated you at times for what you had done, but every time I heard your name or saw you at a gig or on TV, I knew that I couldn’t deny it. You were in my system James, and I just couldn’t seem to get you out.” “Did you ever hate Steph? I mean, how did your friendship survive if you really felt so strongly about me?” He brushed some of my matted brown hair from my face with his thumb and smiled at me. “She told me that she had overheard you talking with Nicky and said that you found it embarrassing the way the way that I kept looking at you, because you weren’t in the least bit interested. Supposedly you had told her that my attention was ‘unwanted and loathsome’.” I sighed heavily, my body edging further and further into an embrace with him. “So, whilst we had a really tough time of it for a while, because as far I was concerned, she shouldn’t have gone anywhere near you and certainly not with such glee and delight, eventually I just had to accept that you weren’t mine and you were fair game, as it were. She had said though, after the first time, that it would never happen again. That’s why the real lasting damage was done the second time you slept together.” “We really got played huh?” James muttered, kissing the top of my head tenderly. “All that time and she was using us. All of us. Playing little powergames with us all. You know I wish Richey was here because I’m sure that she was behind his change in attitude towards Nicky.” “How do you mean? She states quite categorically that Richey got more and more pissed off with Nicky because Nick was pulling back from their friendship and ridiculing him by saying that he and Rich had never had a relationship; that it was all for the cameras. Apparently Richey couldn’t handle it and wanted so much more.” “Well I have to say that that wasn’t how it was.” “I know that I was surprised when I heard it. They always seemed to act like a couple to me.” “That was one reason that I was so surprised about you and Richey; he was besotted with Nick and vice versa. Nicky’s problem was that for all he could wear make-up and bloody dresses, he couldn’t bring himself to admit that the one person he really and truly loved was a guy – Richey.” I knew he was telling the truth – it was written in his eyes. My mind flicked through all the old interviews and candid moments that we experienced together, all those years ago. Nicky may never have come right out and said, ‘I’m in love with Richey and we are having a relationship’, but it had been written all over him, and had been evident from his body language; it still was whenever Richey’s name was mentioned. Was that why Richey had never trusted Steph and why he gradually grew to despise her? Part 3 <<< Janey's stories |