janey_pain-and-friendship-4

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PAIN AND FRIENDSHIP by Janey

PART 4

For what appeared to them both to be an eternity they glared at each other on Andrea’s doorstep, with James trying hard to politely push his way into the house, whilst Andrea tried to stand firm and deny him. They said nothing verbally yet their body language screamed tension, and that apprehension running between them both was electric and terrifying.
Eventually it was James who broke the silence, finding it more disconcerting than a good old out and out row.
“Andrea I’ve driven here to speak with you. That’s all I ask for, just a chance to just talk. What have you got to lose?” he tried to be as understated as he could because he didn’t want to frighten her. Things were tenuous enough as it was. “If this is still what you want then I’ll leave you alone to get on with your life.”

Andrea’s eyes softened as she glimpsed the torment and the pain in his features. Every inch of him screamed dejection, pain and hurt. He seemed old somehow. Not that he’d suddenly wrinkled or anything, but there was a sad resignation about his demeanour; like this was his lot in life and it was never going to improve so he’d better just accept it. He shuffled around in agitation and the bright light that usual shone so beautiful from his eyes was now dull and flat. This man was not the James she knew. Nor the James she loved.

Her rationale for leaving had been that she was doing it to save James from a life of abject misery. He wasn’t supposed to look like death. His quiet confidence had left him and he gave the impression that he was terrified of saying or doing anything. She mourned the loss of his charming if somewhat confrontational personality. Confrontational in a good way though. James was a man who respected the truth: even if the truth would hurt him.

For his part James was keeping his fingers crossed behind his back due to the little white lie he had told. He had told Andrea he would leave her alone if that was want she really wanted, yet he had promised Sean that he would take her back with him. That was also a promise he had made to himself. He was never one to renege on pledges.

“I guess you’d better come in,” Andrea eventually conceded. “Excuse the boxes.”
James shivered as he walked into the house and followed her through to the kitchen/dining room that was the only place he could see that was pretty much devoid of packing boxes and various other removal paraphernalia. The house was cold, and it was nothing to do with it not having little knickknacks around or with it having been empty for a while, (James had no idea if it had been vacant for any length of time.) Quite simply, the house didn’t ‘feel’ right. It wasn’t welcoming and warm; it was functional and nothing more. James knew then that this had not been a well-planned move. It had been hasty and she had probably taken the first thing that she’d been offered. Now he needed to discover why.

“Coffee? I have at least gotten around to unpacking the essentials,” Andrea stuttered nervously as she proceeded to wash out another cup from one of the cases to get rid of any dust, and then get out all the things she needed.
James watched her intently as she awkwardly moved around her still unknown environment. She had the grace of a swan and was just as delicate. He could watch her for hours just pottering around and never grow bored.
“I love you Andrea.” As soon as the words came tumbling from his mouth James could have kicked himself.
Andrea stopped in her tracks, turned to face him and quietly muttered; “I know. That’s part of the problem isn’t it?”
“Well your ‘I’m not going to love anyone again because I only get hurt’ thing isn’t doing a lot of good is it?” His voice was measured and calm and there was no trace of malice on his face. “We have hardly progressed from the good friend stage but you’re still spooked out. I don’t get it.”
“I know you don’t. If you did you wouldn’t be her now would you James?” The sarcasm stung. It was unlike her and it was uncalled for. Andrea remained by the sink her body half turned away from him.
“Turn and face me Andrea. It’s only polite after all.”

Her grimace tore at him. The coldness that emanated from her eyes shocked him. Somehow he knew it wasn’t a coldness directed at him; it was for herself. She was full of self-loathing and her jerky, awkward movements and mannerisms confirmed that for him. She was panting heavily and she exuded nerves from every pore.
“Is this going to be it forever then? Are you really going to sacrifice good friendships because they may hurt you? All the time you let me near you and happily was my friend was when I never confronted you. As soon as it gets personal and the attention was turned to you, you withdraw and shut yourself off. It’s as though you have this intrinsic need to be needed, but when the boots on the other foot, it’s a sign of weakness and you can’t be weak can you? Because you have to be better than everyone else. You have to stay detached from it all. It has nothing to do with not wanting to get hurt again Andrea does it?” he demanded.
Andrea flashed a glance of dread across to him and the tiny amount of colour that she did have drained from her in an instant. Once more she turned her back to him, only this time he moved next to her and forcefully spun her round, tilting up her chin to ensure that she looked at him. She frowned heavily as her watery eyes pleaded with him to release her.
James held her firmly but not harshly as his eyes tried to burrow into the hidden recesses of hers to drag out the truth. She had that aura of vulnerability about her again and James stroked her cheek soothingly, sighing as she closed her eyes under his delicate touch. Inside he shivered with desire and longing. Despite himself he was drawn to her and always would be. This was love: painful, demanding and illogical. It also gave him the greatest natural high he had ever experienced. The way she melted into his arms compared to no other experience or sensation; nor did the fragrance of her. With her he felt complete. Alone he was a mess. Like a drifter with no real direction to follow.
“James please I…” she muttered apprehensively.
“I know honey,” he whispered. “It’s taken me a long time to fathom this out but now I have.”
“James…” She had made no moves to leave his arms.
“You’re afraid to love because you don’t know how to any more.”
Andrea gasped aloud and she grabbed hold of James tightly as her body trembled from his words. Then the floodgates opened and she couldn’t stem the tears that flowed so easily now.
“Hey come on now, I’m sorry,” James said. “It’s all right. Let it all out Andrea.”
They clung together as Andrea spluttered uncontrollably from the emotions rushing through her. So much pent up emotion needed to be exorcised and acknowledged. She had hidden away from things for so long she wasn’t sure she really had the strength or stamina to confront them all.

“You sure you’re ok?” James asked with concern as they sat outside in the garden when Andrea said she wanted to talk with him.
“You’re right of course,” she said hesitantly, “about my not knowing how to love anymore. Only there is more too it than that.”
“So why not tell me? I’ve come here for this and I’m not going until everything is finally out in the open and we’ve cleared the air.” His tender, caring smile made a warmth wash across her. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
“No! You’re very persistent.” Andrea’s laugh was unconvincing but she was trying. The turmoil she was going through was evident to James but he didn’t know what, if anything, he could do to settle her and ease her discomfort. “And a good friend.”
“The emphasis being on ‘friend’?” twittered James mournfully.
“Yes,” Andrea lied. Her words stung and she could not hold eye contact with James as she said them.
“I don’t believe you.”
“You just don’t want to.”
“No, I just do not believe you. I think that you love me too. Perhaps not in the same way or to the same degree, but certainly more than as a ‘friend,’ and I’m willing to stake my life on it.”
“Let’s not go there again James it’s not constructive.”
“In other words you have to face up to some emotions that mean you’ve discarded a part of that bloody wall you’ve built and you’re not willing to do that.”
Andrea ignored him, and instead proffered, “ it’s not just that I don’t know how to love any more James, it’s that I don’t trust my own judgement anymore, or trust whether I can love anymore. I wasn’t in love with Jon, I was in love with the notion that someone cared for me but I was on the rebound from Andrew. Because of the court case and then his mother I never confronted all the bad things that had happened with him; the way he made me feel like a failure because I couldn’t see what was happening.”
“Its not as though he had a sign on his head is it? Many gay people get married because for whatever reason they can’t be open about whom they truly are.” He reached out his hand to hold hers but paused before he grasped it, wanting to make sure that she was genuinely at ease with the contact. He remembered only too well the incident at her other home a few days previously. Andrea meekly smiled at him and offered both her hands to him, which he willingly caressed.

“When Jon died, you remember I said it was like something in me died too…” James nodded and she carried on, “well I wasn’t totally honest. I realised after the accident that he really hadn’t meant much to me at all and that’s why I was so numb. I’d used him as a trophy to show people how I could have a man and be happy but it was never going anywhere. Even the friendship side of it was fizzling out. I’d thrown myself into the relationship without being honest with myself and consequently I was leading him on. When the accident happened we were in the middle of a huge row. It was my fault he died.”
“Andrea it wasn’t sweetheart,” James gently brushed aside some of the tears that had began to fall once more and he pulled the hand he was holding up to his lips and gave her a light kiss over her knuckles.
“I hurt people James. I hurt my family when I told them about my uncle and they disowned me. I made Andrew take his own life and then I wrecked his mother’s life.”
“They did that to themselves Andrea.”
“But I’m the common denominator! I thought that if I became this tough, awkward bitch that men would avoid me for the most part. Or just be nice to me to get me into bed for a night of sex so they could tell their mates,” there was a strange sense of control that briefly re-entered her and gave her the courage to carry on. After all, now James knew what she was like he wasn’t going to stay around was he?
“You mean you were prepared to have one night stands?” His hand rubbed over her own much harder now.
“Uncomplicated encounters, if you don’t mind. I have needs James even if I can’t have a man in my life.”
James shook his head and sighed in despair for her. The woman he loved had had her perspectives clouded by other peoples misguided notions of right and wrong. She had worn everyone’s guilt for them; made excuses for their behaviour and then punished herself by practically vowing to live a cold, boring unloving life.
Her parents had set the pattern and it was continuing to this day.

The silence was nerve wrecking. They exchanged glances but neither of them knew what to say or what to do. Then suddenly, Andrea took a deep breath and said, “I made my next mistake when I took you home after your engagement break up. I got close to you and let you in. Oh I thought I was strong enough to handle it but then our friendship grew deeper and you confided more and more to me. I should never have done it because I was already smitten by you.”
“The guys said they knew how we felt about each other long before we did,” James smiled nervously as he recalled the conversation he’d had and he leaned into her and their faces touched, and they jerked a little as if they’d been hit by an electric storm. They stared at each other, eyes wide in wonder and desire, saying nothing yet saying everything. “You do love me, don’t you?”
He wasn’t boasting. It was the truth and he knew it. There had always been that undercurrent between them. Even during the times when she irritated him he would seek her out and he always missed her when she wasn’t around being bolshy with him.
Her answer caught him off guard as her soft lips covered his and gave him a kiss that made him tingle despite the fact that it was very chaste. Just lips touching and nothing more.
“Now you should go.” Andrea said abruptly as she pushed his hand away, stood up and then marched into the kitchen, leaving James on the bench looking absolutely astounded and bemused.

James followed her into the kitchen after taking a short time to digest how abrupt she’d been with him. Once again Andrea had cocooned herself in her tough, protective exterior but now James needed answers.
“Don’t turn your back on me like that! We stop talking when every things been aired not when you can’t deal with it any more, Andrea.” His voice was stern and uncompromising. “You can’t leave this half finished or we’ll both go nuts from all the unanswered questions.”
“There’s nothing more to say James,” she spat. “This is over. I have a new life so just get over it and move on.”
“New life?” he laughed spitefully. “In this cold, depressing house? You know you really should have planned this better. Perhaps then you would have found somewhere that was halfway decent to live in. Still that’s what happens when you react to something without thinking it through isn’t it Andrea?”
“How dare you! You have no right to come here and do this to me. I am no longer in your life so what I do has nothing to do with you, not that it did in the first place.”

James knew that by goading her he was on dangerous ground but he had to get her to show some real anger and vitriol. Yes he’d seen her angry but she had never passionately really lost her temper and been able to get rid of her frustrations. She had come close, but had always managed to rediscover her composure and walk away. He felt she really needed to be out of control to be able to come to terms with things. Once she gave herself freedom to do that, perhaps she would give herself the freedom to love again.
“You must have worked like a demon after you’d managed to get me out of the way. Ringing around for rental properties, doing the packing, oh and collecting all these packing boxes. That must have been one hell of a 24 hours for you!” He ached inside as he saw how she was struggling to control herself. Her breathing was growing quicker and she was giving him some amazingly wounding glances. She was on the verge and he knew it. All he wanted was to put his arms around, kiss her and tell her he would make it all better. But that was never going to happen in a month of Sundays. Andrea was the most complicated woman he had ever known but he adored her. Whatever he was required to do to make her see what she was sacrificing, he would do; then, if she would let him, he would help her rebuild her life. Hopefully including him.
“All because I touched you. Now excuse me but I have to say that moving home because someone had the audacity to touch you is a bit of an extreme reaction.” He stood so close to her now he could hear her breath. He could see her chest rise and fall, and he could see her inner conflict; how part of her was wanting to run and escape but a part of her was ready to explode and stand her ground. “What was so fucking wrong with me touching you when we’d spent the bloody night in bed with each other! Tell me Andrea.”
Her lips were quivering and he could see that she was going to crumble and give him a tirade in response.
“Come on Andrea! I’m waiting. What was it? Or was the night just about you trying to prove you were in control? Did you sleep with me to prove that you could without having sex with me? Was that your way of showing me we couldn’t be anything?”
“Leave me.” She yelled with her face red from fury.
“No. Why did my touch upset you Andrea? Come on now, it can’t be that hard. One little answer that’s all it takes isn’t…” He never finished the sentence.

“That’s what my uncle did to me!” she screamed through heart wrenching sobs and coughs that brought tears to James’ eyes. “He’d abuse me and then sit to breakfast with my parents and me at the table and tell me how proud he was of me and to be a good girl at school! He’d sit there with this twisted, evil grin on his face stroking my hands or my knees whilst his other hand stroked his fucking hard on!”
“Andrea,” James muttered pathetically, unable to find any constructive response.
“And you, you sat there sat with lust and want in your eyes and touched me. All I could see was him. Suddenly you were no longer there but he was and he was laughing at me. For years I’d hidden those hateful feelings of loathing, of being dirty, of being a teasing whore then whoosh! Back they came with a vengeance.” The tone of her voice was going up and down, as the anger was unleashed. She panted, she stammered, she coughed and spluttered her way through. Determined he would hear her out. “I felt sick James. Physically sick. Then I hated myself because I was directing my bitterness and fear onto the wrong person, but I couldn’t stop it. That’s why I made you leave.”
“You should have talked with me.”
“I didn’t want to. I don’t ever want to talk about it or think about again.”
“Until you do this will keep happening.”
“It won’t because no man will ever get close to me like you did. I can’t let them. Not for me and not for them because if I do I’ll hurt them and possibly ruin their lives into the bargain. I’ve hurt you.”
“Yes you have,” James answered after taking a deep breath to steady himself. “Does that bother you Andrea? Well, come on. Whilst we’re on this honesty kick lets have it.”
“Yes. Yes it does bother me. I hate seeing the pain in your eyes, eye that are so usually full of warmth and compassion. I’m sorry James. I never intended to hurt you.”
“Why do you hate that you’ve hurt me?” James locked his eyes on hers and his arms held her across her shoulders, so that she was facing him. He could see her reluctance to answer, she probably hoped he wouldn’t push it but that he would accept her rather feeble explanation. “Tell me Andrea.”
“Because it’s a horrible thing to hurt someone.”
“For heavens sake!” he cried. “This is like pulling teeth. Why did it bother you that you hurt me? Why not just brush it off and carry on?”
“Because I love you!” Andrea collapsed onto the floor and James sat beside her and wrapped his arms around her as he whispered words of love and consolation to her whilst she cried. His shirt was wet from her tears but he didn’t care. At last she’d let her barrier down and even though there was now a tidal wave of emotion gushing to the fore, James knew somehow, that things would be ok.
It wasn’t going to be easy he knew that. But he had shown her that she could openly express her emotions and not frighten someone off. He had taken a small step to proving to her that she could have faith in herself and in him. He had shown her that he loved her and she had now admitted to loving him. A small step, but a vital one non-the less.

He stayed the night with her. They didn’t sleep but did lots of talking. Andrea explained that she was so ashamed at the way she had treated him that she had to get away, only she had to take it to extremes and leave altogether because she thought he would despise her. Whilst she was in control things were fine, but she admitted that although she felt warm and content around James, the realisation that she was falling in love with him had petrified her because she knew she could not keep the pretence of the ‘tough’ woman going. What she should have done, she had told him, was to put the breaks on their friendship but she couldn’t. She just didn’t have the heart to do it because she wanted to be with him and several times she had tried to convince herself that things could develop and she would be able to handle it. Only of course she couldn’t.

She also told James that she ran because she had suspected that if she confronted things as James had forced her too she would crack. Andrea had convinced herself that she would go completely mad if she allowed all her demons to ‘take her over,’ so avoiding confrontation at all costs. All the time she had been acutely aware that her behaviour was irrational and damaging, but the behaviour cycle was so deeply carved into her psyche that she could find no other solution.

For his part James had been patient, loving and encouraging. He had spoken very little but had sobbed until his eyes were red, swollen and itchy. He hugged and cuddled her as if his life depended on it as he rode a rollercoaster of emotions with her, with each piece of information that she gave him, and was even more determined to make her happy and have her in his life. Now as she spoke she was composed. Her body had dealt with the initial shock from the onslaught of so many emotions and regulated itself again. Then the most amazing thing happened; she thanked him.
“What for?” he asked in surprise.
“For loving me enough to make me do that and staying with me. If you didn’t love me enough you would have gone when I tried to fob you off, but you didn’t. You knew that seeing me face up to things would hurt you too but you did it. For that you are a very special man James.”
“Well you are and I love you for it,” her smile was wide and dazzling.
“That’s how I always want you to be,” he sighed as he kissed her cheek lightly. “Wearing a genuine smile. When you smile like that you light up the world; my world.”
“That’s cheesy!” she smirked as she tapped the tip of his nose with her finger in fun. “But cute.”

They fell asleep in each other’s arms on the sofa. They knew they still had lots of talking to do and Andrea admitted that she would need to go and see a professional to help her with the abuse issues but they both knew they were going to be ok. James was restoring her faith in human nature and her self-esteem and Andrea was showing him just how rewarding love could be.

None of the issues would be tackled quickly or easily and they would both go through the mill again but that didn’t worry them. After all, they had years of being together ahead of them and, most importantly; they were no longer dealing with things on their own. Together they could do anything, because they had such a deep love and understanding, they just couldn’t fail.

The end.

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