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| PAIN AND FRIENDSHIP by Janey PART 2 James held her until her breathing had steadied and she had regained enough composure to be able to explain things to him. “I’m not going in to details here and I don’t want you to ask me any questions,” she said simply. “I’m going to say what I need to say and that will be an end to it, ok?” “But…” “No ‘buts’ James. If you don’t accept it then I don’t tell. It’s that simple.” “Go on then,” he sighed with reluctance. “When I was sixteen I met a man who I thought I was in love with. He got me pregnant and then left me. I had an abortion but I was allergic to the anaesthetic and they nearly lost me. I also haemorrhaged very badly and contracted a viral infection. They were unsure for a while afterwards if I would be able to have children,” her voice held surprisingly well. Inside she felt as though she was dying, and Andrea dare not look at James to see his reaction, fearing it may make her tears finally flow. “Any how, turned out that things were still ok in that department.” “That’s good,” whispered James. “Then when I was 22, I went out with some of the folks I worked with for a birthday drink as one of the girls was 21 that day. I was tired and wanted to leave early and Graham offered to go with me and make sure I was ok. He lived on the same street as me and we were good friends. Or so I thought.” Andrea took a deep breath as the images of that night encroached back into her consciousness. “I invited him in for a nightcap; something I’d done several times prior, only this time he got out of hand. He told me that he wanted to date me, so I simply said that I was flattered but I didn’t think of him in that way. Next thing I know I was fighting him off. He didn’t rape me but I had him arrested for assault. It went to court and I had to give evidence because he said my injuries were self inflicted.” “Andrea,” grimaced James quietly but with a tangible note of pain in his voice. “It was several years before I would even let a man be a friend, let alone anything more. So, when I was 24 I met Andrew. He romanced me for a couple of years and eventually his persistence paid off. He’d been so patient and understanding that I thought I was safe with him. After we’d been together for 18 months we moved in together and married a couple of months later.” Andrea stopped and took a deep breath again as her tears began to flow. “We’d never slept together or anything. Just some kissing and stuff, ‘cos he said he wanted to wait till the wedding night. On the night when we went to bed he told me that he didn’t love me. He’d married me for convenience. You see he was gay but according to his religion it was a sin and he was one of the damned. This way he kept that respectability.” James tenderly rubbed a hand up and down her back in a futile attempt to soothe her. His blood was boiling now; he was disgusted that someone could be treated in such a despicable way. The fact that Andrea was someone that he deeply cared about just added insult to injury. “I told him I wanted the marriage annulling or a divorce, which would help him continue the lie. He refused saying either way the church would frown upon him and he couldn’t bring such shame onto his family. I moved in with a friend. The day I was due to go see the solicitor I got a visit from the police. His mother had gone round to take him to a club or something. She got no answer so let herself in with a key he’d given her, and she found him dead from a lethal overdose of pills and drink.” James ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at it so firmly in his frustration and pain that he thought sure that he would pull lots of it out. His breathing was ragged as his anger raged inside, making him shiver. “That’s why I moved to Wales. She tormented me. I received all kinds of hate mail; she vandalised my home and my car. She also sent letters to my boss telling him about how wicked I was and that I was a murderer. Eventually the police arrested her and after breaking several injunctions and court orders she was sent to prison for several months,” Andrea sighed and raised her eyes to meet James’ and saw the pain etched in his, and his skin which now appeared quite grey now. “I changed my name, my appearance and started again.” “I know you said no questions, but what was your name before?” “You wouldn’t believe me,” Andrea nervously giggled. “Try me,” he smiled. “Bradfield. Andrea Bradfield.” She watched James face as the irony of it registered. “Suits you.” His smile was warm and friendly as always. “So, what happened in the eleven months before I started working with you? Well, I did start dating someone. They were the sweetest, most adorable person. His name was Jon and he was kind, affectionate, encouraging, loving and well, I fell in love with him I suppose. He was very patient with me and helped restore my self-confidence and my self worth. We were on our way back home after a night at the cinema when a car that was being driven by joy riders hit him. He was dead at the scene.” “I’m so very sorry, Andrea. I had no idea.” “No one does, not even Martin, and I don’t want them to know ok? When Jon died it was as though something in me died too, but I was determined not to slip back into my old ways, and let people walk all over me. I got the job with you the day after Jon’s funeral. Martin was impressed that I didn’t care that you could become famous. Oh, that sounds bad. I mean he didn’t think that your being famous would faze me. What he couldn’t know of course was that at the time I was still in mourning and was practically numb. I can hardly remember the interview.” “You must’ve done something right,” he winked. “Martins’ notoriously difficult to please.” “He’s a pussycat really.” “So if my maths are right,” James said, “You’ve been telling tales about your age.” “As a gentleman you were not supposed to notice,” she gave a half smile as she tried to be stern with him. “I was born in 1966, not 1968 as I told you. I kinda started to use it when I moved here along with my new surname. I suppose in some stupid way I thought it was extra protection; anyway I managed to find out that Andrew’s mum had died so I guess I can dispense with the deception now.” “Are you going to go back to being a ‘Bradfield’ then?” “No,” her answer was immediate and emphatic. “It’s a bad name for me. Sorry James, but no.” “Hey, I’m sorry!” James called after her as she abruptly stood up and went through to the kitchen and proceeded to pour herself an incredibly large whisky. “Andrea, what are you still afraid of?” “You’ve heard what I’ve told you James. You can work it out.” “What? You won’t allow any one to get close because you think you’re a jinx. Is that it?” “You don’t understand do you? I really thought that you might be the one person who may actually get it.” “Andrea, tell me. Please, I want to know. Help me to understand and then perhaps I can help change things. I want you to be happy, preferably with me,” James’ eyes were pleading with her. “I don’t ever want to be in love again or feel that close to someone because it means I’m going to get hurt. No attachments mean no hurt, at least not as much hurt. I don’t like to wallow in self-pity but I’ve been through enough James. No one is going to get that close to me ever again because I won’t let them. Why do you think after the years I’ve been working with you, none of you know much about me?” She gave James the whisky so he could get himself a drink, and walked back to the lounge. She was sprawled out on the sofa, flicking through the channels to see what else was on, when James sat down beside her and sighed heavily as he glared at her. “Not much on now, James,” Andrea said, ignoring the intensity of his stare. “Think I’ll finish this and go to bed.” “Running off Andrea?” “There’s nothing more to discuss is there James?” Her answer was abrupt and pointed, and James knew she was itching for a fight and a reason to be able to throw him out. “Speaking as your friend and nothing more…” “Quite right!” she interrupted, “glad we understand each other on that one.” “I think you’re mad. You’re stopping yourself from experiencing real pleasure and real love because you don’t want to get hurt? Life is about taking chances. None of us want to get hurt but sometimes shit happens.” “Don’t patronise me!” Andrea shouted. “I know what love is. I know what pleasure and happiness is. I’ve experienced them once and that’s enough.” “Andrea you are a young woman still. You have many years ahead of you, why not make them happy years rather than non descript ones?” “How dare you! I’m happy with my life. I have a career and I have friends. I have company as and when I need it and I’m alone when I want to be. What’s wrong with that?” “Just who are you trying to convince because I don’t believe you. I think you’ve settled for second best and you have to pretend that you’re happy with that." “Because I AM happy with it! I don’t let me down; I don’t make promises to myself that I can’t keep. I can do things as and when I want to, and I don’t have to explain my actions to anyone.” Her tone was clipped, as she grew more and more angry. “And who’s there to give you a hug when you’ve done something great? Who gives you a pat on the back? Who the fuck is your sounding board when you need to let off steam? And who’s there to comfort you when you feel sad or lonely?” “I cope with it.” “Is that because no one could possibly help you or because you’re too afraid to let your guard down and let people see your air of vulnerability? Andrea we can all be vulnerable. Hell look at me when my engagement went pear shaped, but I let you see it; I let the guys see it too. Why? It’s called trust and it’s what friends do.” “I know that!” she screamed back at him. “I’ll never trust you like that. I’ll never trust anyone like that again. I can’t James because it means I’ll get hurt.” “We’re going round in circles here.” “Then I suggest we leave it alone. This topic of conversation is now closed.” “You know something Andrea? You’ve really shocked me,” James said with hurt. “The Andrea that I know is feisty and dynamic, but you, hell you are such a coward. I guess it’s best we don’t take our friendship any further because I don’t think I could tolerate this for very long.” “I did warn you James.” “Oh you did,” he shook his head as he spoke with an amount of irony in his voice. “Trouble is, I’m not even sure now that I’m really your friend. You let me close to you; you tell me about your horrific experiences and then you change. I feel like I’ve been duped and you’re a fraud.” “Then go. I’m not going to stop you.” “I won’t give you the satisfaction of leaving,” he smirked evilly. “Now you’ve told me all that stuff it would be a good time to have some faith in me. I’m not going to run; I’m not going to take advantage of you; I don’t want to think any the less of you just because I’ve seen some fragility. In fact, until you got all ‘uppity’ it was a very endearing quality.” “It was the one and only time you’ll see it.” “If that’s the case then I’m not even your friend, am I?” “If you say.” “I’m going to bed,” James suddenly announced and quickly he disappeared without even saying goodnight, making a hell of a lot of noise in the process. Andrea sat on her own and sobbed. She was being a spiteful vindictive bitch and she knew it, yet she didn’t know how to stop it. James had forced her to confront the truth; she really cared for him, and she didn’t know how to cope with that. James stormed around the bedroom trying desperately to calm down enough to at least stand a small chance of sleep. Instead he was getting more and more worked up. Andrea had stunned him. He had been sure that she was going to really open up to him, but whilst she may have divulged some intimate secrets, she was further away from him then she had ever been. It was as though there was now a chasm between them and it hurt James like hell. There had been a few chinks evident in her armour as she recounted her torrid life, but for the most part, it was an almost robotic performance and that scared James. He’d seen it happen once before in his life and that person was no longer around. Richey had been the same. Andrea could still hear James pacing around in his room as she retired around half an hour after him. She checked herself in the bathroom mirror after she had brushed her teeth and had a quick wash; she still looked like hell. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, and her face had no colour to it whatever. In fact she hardly recognised the reflection glaring back at her; the person in it appeared at least 12 or so years older than Andrea was. She padded to her bed and snuggled under the covers. Instead of comfort and tranquillity she felt tense, nervous and burned out. Her emotions were frazzled and she was confused and in pain. The soft glow from the moon didn’t soothe her as it usually did. Instead she noticed how sinister it seemed and her anxieties increased even further. For what for her was an age, she thrashed around the bed, unable to settle. Each time she started to drift into slumber horrific images would start to torture her and she would sit up with a jolt, in a cold sweat. Andrea heard a noise: someone had screamed out loud but she didn’t know where it had come from. All she knew for sure was that she was crying and shaking. “Andrea, are you alright?” James asked he stormed into the bedroom and wrapped her in his strong arms and she rested her head upon his naked chest. “I heard you scream.” Andrea gazed at James with a look of incomprehension across her features; surely not? It can’t have been her. Yet here she was, crying and shaking and being comforted by her friend, James. “Hey now,” he whispered, “What happened? Nightmare or something?” “I, I don’t, I can’t remember,” she heaved between sobs. Despite the cascading tears Andrea was aware that James was completely naked, and so knew that he had gone to her as soon as he had heard her. “No one’s going to hurt you, Andrea,” James said in soft hushed tones. “I won’t let them.” Andrea said nothing in response and instead snuggled deeper into James’ torso as his arms pulled her nearer him. He was warm and gave her that feeling of security that he so often did. So why was she unable to tell him that? A niggle at the back of her mind was telling her that at least as a friend she still had James in her life; if things went wrong she would have nothing, and she didn’t want to gamble. Gently James rocked her in his arms as he spoke soothing words to her and lovingly stroked her hair. Despite her bravado she was a very delicate and fragile creature who occasionally needed nurturing and tenderness. James had never seen her as vulnerable as this before; she’d ensured that no one did. Perhaps now she’d finally shown her frailty she would allow him closer to her private thoughts and fears, and let him be there for her. Andrea’s tears dried and she steadily recovered her composure as she wiped the wetness from her face. “Feeling a little better?” “Yes, thanks,” she managed a weak smile to him and raised a hand and stroked her fingers along his powerful jaw line. The rough stubble beneath her touch was very masculine, heady and powerful. Just as James is. “James…” “Sshh, don’t talk sweetheart,” he muttered tenderly. “Try to get back to sleep.” “Please, don’t leave me alone,” her voice was filled with panic and fear. “Hey, it’s alright. I’ll sleep on top of the bed ok?” Again he was hugging her to him and caressing her hair. “I’ll not leave you if it’s what you want.” “I want you to stay James, please. Though why you would I don’t know because I’ve been such a bitch,” she could hardly look directly at him. “Hey, now look at me,” said James as he tilted her chin up so that he could see her eyes. “You are in pain, and I want to help you feel better. You’ve built a protective shell around yourself and part of that was responsible for your attitude when you told me those things.” “But…” “No buts” he rebuked softly with a smile. “It was your survival instinct taking over. Well now IT can take a back seat because I’m going to take care of you, and no arguing.” Andrea nodded, “ok.” “Now get snuggled down in that bed and try to get some sleep.” “James?” Her voice was hesitant and shaky. “Yes love.” “Cuddle up to me, I mean in here” and she nodded at the duvet. “You’ll get cold out there.” “I can go and put some clothes on, it you’ll be more comfortable about it?” “No. I, I want you to stay as you are and cuddle me. I want to feel your warmth against me when I go to sleep and I want to feel your arms when I wake up.” “Do you know what you’re saying?” James asked with an erotic thickness in his voice as his eyes searched hers to see if her resolve would waiver. “I can’t guarantee how this will work out James, but with time… who knows?” Her lips were cold as they touched his and James sighed audibly as his arms instinctively pulled her to him. “We have all the time in the world, sweetheart,” he smiled as he kissed her again. Part 3 Janey's stories |