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| KATIE'S SORROW by Janey <<< Part 3 PART 4 Katie awoke and felt disoriented but then she realised she was in James’ room. Well, her spare room but somehow now she just associated it with James. Still dazed and groggy, she turned and found James gazing at her, with a wonderful smile that lit up his face. He was on top of the quilt and covered by a couple of blankets to keep him warm. Then gradually she started to remember; James had offered to make her bed with fresh linen for her but she had suggested leaving it and sharing his, with her sleeping on the top. James had replied that if was the other way around it would be better, and so she had fallen asleep in James’ arms as he cuddled her, and here she was waking up next to him. She had to admit it was a wonderful sight. “Morning darling,” he said, and then he kissed her briefly. “Have a good sleep?” “Umm, eventually thank you.” “You can always go back to sleep if you want to, you know.” “I’ll be ok once I wake up a bit more. It sometimes takes me a while.” “How about I go and make us both a nice cuppa and a couple of bacon sandwiches, and I’ll bring the morning paper up so that you can have a lazy Saturday?” he smiled his beautiful smile as he stroked her face tenderly. “The cuppa is a wonderful idea, and the paper, but you know I don’t eat breakfast James.” “Well another hour or so and it’ll be lunch if that’s any better,” he laughed. “Martin’s coming to pick me at 1.30 this afternoon to take me home, so I can check for mail and bring my car back with me. Fancy anything nice for tea later?” “You get what ever you fancy and I’ll cook for you, how’s that?” asked Katie. “You’ve done the cooking for the last few days, I should return the favour.” Katie clutched at her stomach and winced as pain tore through her, and she felt as though someone was stabbing her relentlessly. “Want me to get you something?” James asked with concern in his eyes. “Just keep talking to me James,” she said, and so he chatted about nothing in particular, just to help distract her from the pain, whist continuing to cuddle her close to him. “Don’t you get angry with me here, but when I called Martin to arrange today, I also spoke with him about you going back to work. Now I’ve told him that you’re not ready but unfortunately he has already confirmed that some of your diary can go ahead,” James explained. “But we’ve come to an agreement; you do the jobs that are listed that involve us being with you and all the meetings and things happening at Hall or Nothing would be taken by someone else, like Terri. Martin was quite willing to take a bit of flack, but he agreed with me that it would be too stressful for you back in the office.” “Thanks. I knew I wasn’t ready to go back, but I wanted to provoke you. Never for one minute did I think you’d agree with me.” “That was me being pig headed and stubborn, and now look were it’s taken us,” moaned James. “Martin and I will be driving you, so don’t worry over taxi’s, and you’ll only be working a couple of hours a day. In fact one day there’s nothing for you at all.” “Trust me to cause more disruption,” she winced once more. “Not feeling any better love?” “Yeah, I am. It just hurts a bit that’s all. In fact,” she said with a slight grin, “someone did say something about making a cuppa, and I’m sure that that would work it’s magic.” “Ok, ok. I can take the hint,” he smirked as he threw back the blankets and sat up on the edge of the bed, stretched and yawned. Katie watched as his muscles rippled and admired how he had kept himself in shape. So he was chunkier than in his younger days, but at 35, he was still all muscle. He rummaged for the clothes he’d discarded the night before and then smiled at her, after giving her a fleeting kiss. “I’ll shower and change later, don’t worry. But right now I have a very special woman to keep happy.” “She’s very lucky to have you running around for her.” “Trust me when I say that I’m the lucky one.” He leaned down and stroked her hair and found Katie rising up from the bed and her face growing closer. As clichéd as it was, it all appeared to happen in slow motion and James just waited in anticipation. He almost dared not breath in case he broke the spell, but then he felt her lips, warm and soft, on his, and her arms enfolding his shoulders. The kiss was neither chaste nor was it passionate. It was long and tender but they hadn’t opened their mouths. They moaned into one another as their hands lovingly caressed their partner. James closed his eyes and concentrated on the sensations she had made him be aware of and knew this was were he wanted to be forever. His stomach was full of butterflies and he felt so warm and content, he just couldn’t rationalise it. This was so new to him and it was scary, but more than that it was wonderful and powerful. He really was in love with her. Of that there was no doubt. It was almost 6pm when James returned with 2 pizzas, some garlic bread, a couple of bottles of wine, some beer and a bottle of Jameson’s. “Sorry I was so long, but I bumped into Nicky and Clara and so I went to his house for a while,” James said as he put the wine and beer in the fridge. “I lost track of time, what with chatting and playing with little Clara.” “It’s easily done,” agreed Katie as she stood at the door. “Clara’s just adorable isn’t she? And very bright.” “Sorry,” said James as he walked across to her and hugged her tenderly, “I didn’t think. Not very diplomatic in the circumstances is it?” “You don’t have to walk on eggshells James. Remember they don’t know about any of this, so I’m going to be talking to Sean and Nicky about their girls. Actually, it’ll be nice to spend some time with them. A little sad as well, but mostly good.” She watched as James put the pizzas and garlic bread onto plates, and switched on the kettle for a hot cup of coffee to go with it. “Just carry on talking with me like you always have. I haven’t changed and I can’t hide away from things. I’m going to be seeing children and babies all the time. I can’t avoid it.” “Has it really sunk in yet Katie? I mean that you cannot have children, it’s just that you seem so detached from it all. Almost devoid of emotion at times.” “I just figure that I was never destined to be a mum. That’s why I never got pregnant before now, and why I lost my baby. You know, I think its all for the best. I would no doubt be a disaster as a full time mum, whereas I’m ok having Mathilda and Clara for a couple of days. Mother Nature knows best James.” She gave James a loving kiss and then took some of the food to the dining room before James had a chance to say anything else. He knew he would have to pick his moment carefully if he were going to broach the subject with her again. Katie rang her sister and then had a bath before sitting down at the computer to check her emails and go on a few of her favourite sites. “What did you think of those stories that I gave you to read?” “A bit on the raunchy side some of them, but then that was tempered with the really sad, moving ones that weren’t in the least bit smutty. Quite an eclectic mix really. I never knew there was stuff like that out there.” James stood behind her and massaged her shoulders over her pyjama top. “Don’t stay on there too long and definitely no work!” Katie laughed, “I won’t I promise.” “When you spoke with your sister,” James uttered hesitantly, “you never mentioned losing the baby Katie. Why not?” “She didn’t know I was pregnant. I only told you because I had to, I mean if you hadn’t been here that night, you wouldn’t know either.” “But you and Wendy are so close. I’ve never known you have any secrets from her. It just seems odd to me that’s all, that the one person you really trust and confide in, you don’t tell.” “James I told you I didn’t want the baby when I found out. I was even considering an abortion, well at least part of me was. A little part of me was still in denial and sure that the test was wrong. It was only when I worried I was miscarrying that I realised how much I wanted it, but now it’s gone so there’s nothing to tell her is there?” James turned the swivel chair so he could see her and crouched on the floor to speak with her. “See, there you go again! All distant and detached as though it’s an everyday bloody occurrence. Well it isn’t. I just wish you’d get angry and shout and scream, or cry and complain that it’s just not fair, but you’re not, and don’t try and tell me that it doesn’t cut you up and hurt you because it does. I remember you in the hospital, Katie. Those huge, body convulsing sobs but then it stopped. Now there’s nothing, apart from crying at the physical pain or a nightmare. I know you’re depressed about what’s happened but there should be more emotion. I’m worried about you.” “I know you are James, but really, I’m fine.” Her mouth broke into a smile but not for the first time James noticed that it never reached her eyes. “No you’re not. You are not confronting this.” “I dealt with it in the hospital. My crying for the baby is done James.” She abruptly knocked his hands out of the way, and turned the chair so she was again facing the computer screen. “Stop lying to me! You need to confront this or you’ll make yourself ill,” he urged passionately. “Think of what might happen if you have Clara or Mathilda to care for, and they get upset and need you; how will you be able to deal with that if you still have all these suppressed bloody emotions? Can you guarantee that you’ll be alright with picking them up and cuddling them? I’m not so sure you can.” “I’m perfectly capable of caring for them and you know I am. Sean, Rhian, Rachel and Nicky don’t have any concerns about that either do they?” “But they don’t know, do they Katie? They don’t know that you’ve been raped; that you’ve lost a baby or that you can’t have any more children! You’re emotionally fragile and with bloody good reason. I can see it, why can’t you?” “So much for you saying you were proud of me, and that I’d been really brave!” Katie spat venomously at him. “Now you’re saying I’m fucking unstable. What am I then James; a danger to children?” “I AM proud of you and you have been brave. Don’t get angry with me because I’m worried,” said James in exasperation. “I don’t think for one minute that you’re a danger to those girls Katie, I’m just worried that the impact will hit you when you’re with them, and then they’ll be confused and upset because they can’t understand what’s wrong.” Katie stared at him with pain in her eyes, but no real anger. James had hit a nerve and he knew it, and Katie knew he was right. “I don’t wanna hurt those girls James, I love them” she sighed incredibly softly. “They’re so precious to me. They’re two beautiful and wonderful kids, and I’d never forgive myself if I caused them any pain.” “I know darling,” James murmured as he stroked his thumbs over her cheeks. “Let me in with this. Sometimes you trust me and talk to me, and other times you back off. I can’t pretend to understand how you feel or what you’re going through. But I’d like to try.” “Truth is I’m not sure if I understand how I feel either. I remember at the hospital, how you held me and cried with me about the baby. You were hurting so much; it was like it had been our baby. Then when that nurse came in she assumed you were the father too. That’s why I needed to be honest with you James and let you know we’d never have the joy of holding our baby if we survived this and were able to move on. I couldn't let you cling to something that was never going to happen.” “You know I felt really strange with you in the hospital. I was shocked when you told me you were pregnant, but then when you wouldn’t discuss what had happened, I thought that maybe we could raise the baby together. Stupid I know, ‘cos we weren’t anything like a couple, but I just loved you so much. The fact it was another man’s child didn’t bother me either. Then when we found out about the ectopic, well, I was devastated; mainly for you but for me too, and I know that’s very arrogant, conceited and presumptuous, but I couldn’t help it.” Tears started to fall from his deep brown, very bereft eyes and Katie slowly wiped them away. “Everyone reassured me that you felt the same way as me and that’s what stung that day in your office. I could understand me misreading the signals ‘cos I do it all the bloody time, but Sean and Nick were both adamant. My mum said it when she had met you. It had taken me years to finally admit that I love you and then POW! It came right back at me.” “You weren’t to know what was happening. I couldn’t believe my ears that day. For so long I had waited for those words and when I finally did hear them, I couldn’t do anything about it.” A giggle escaped her mouth as she reflected on the irony of the situation. James was still crouched in front of her, tenderly stroking his thumbs over her hands with his head resting on her knees. “Well, were doing ok aren’t we? I mean we get along well and we’re good friends now. That’s an improvement on what we had.” “I don’t know. In some ways it’s more complicated.” “How do you work that one out?” he asked, raising his head so that he could make eye contact with her. “Come on James. We’ve both told how we really felt about each other, still feel. I’m not sure I can keep that on the back burner, but I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. The last thing I want is to give you mixed messages.” “We’ve done ok so far haven’t we?” “Have you forgotten that kiss this morning?” she winked slyly at him as she raised her eyebrows. “That was more than a friendly kiss.” “What it was, was wonderful. So was waking up with you next to me in my bed, albeit that I was on top of it, whilst you were inside it, and we had our underwear on!” He laughed. “Do you know how warm that made me feel? That’s what love’s about Katie. Those simple things.” “But you’re not going to be happy with that all the time.” “Katie, we’ve talked about this. You know my answer to that.” “You didn’t just say that to placate me?” “Hey, now you know me better than that young lady!” James laughed but then said very simply. “I’d be more than happy for things between us to carry on as they are, but that depends on you and whether or not you can deal with that.” “I’m scared. What happens if after this is all over, we can’t move our relationship on? What if, we’ve got so used to being good friends, that neither of us could imagine anything else, that would be such a waste of what we have.” “If that happens, then maybe that’s what is meant to be, Katie,” said James. “All I know is, that I am not going anywhere. You should stop stressing about it, and just go with it.” “Umm. Since when did you become so sensible and philosophical?” “Actually,” James smirked as he cupped the back of Katie’s head in his right hand, then slowly guided it down so that he could rub his nose against hers affectionately. “I blame it all on you. But they do say that the love of a good woman can make men do strange things, don’t they?” “So I’ve heard.” “Sorry, if that came across as very heavy…” “No, no,” said Katie. “It was a lovely thing to say; really. In fact I’m very flattered.” “Aww, come here you!” James stood and also pulled Katie to her feet and into a wonderfully, warm embrace, with both of them closing their eyes and sighing aloud. “You’re a star, you know that? So, I think it’s time to open the wine, don’t you?” “Go on then. You’ve twisted my arm.” “James. James!” Whispered Katie as she gently shook him to wake him. “James.” “Umm, what? What’s up?” He asked sleepily, not bothering to open his eyes, as there was no great sense of panic in Katie’s voice. “I can’t sleep. I’m so nervous about work and the guys.” “You’ll be fine,” he muttered as he snuggled back into the quilt. He then felt the bed sag and felt warm breath on the back of his neck and an arm being wrapped around him. “You don’t mind me coming to you for comfort do you James?” “Umm, no.” He yawned and turned on to his back, and opened his arms as an invitation for Katie to cuddle up to him. “Now sleep, huh? We’ve both gotta be at work soon.” Katie pressed her lips against James’ and smiled to herself as his eyes opened with a look of astonishment as her tongue probed for entry. “Don’t fight it James,” she murmured. “Are you sure this is what you want?” James fought to control his voice as his hands slid over Katie’s skin and he realised that she was completely naked alongside him. Her skin was soft and supple, and the smell of her was divine. “You want to be this close?” “Yes. I want to be with you James. I love you and what I need right now is a nice kiss and a cuddle from the man I know loves me as well. I know you won’t hurt me, and that if I say ‘stop’ you will, but I want to fall asleep with you holding me and wake up next to you.” “And you will,” he sighed as he smiled at her. “There’s time for everything else, but right now, I’ll cuddle you and we can fall asleep together. We have no need to rush do we?” “No,” she answered, “no, we don’t. You’re a good man James.” “Hey, don’t get mushy and embarrass me now,” he winked as he pulled her into his warm body again and then added, “sleep well now beautiful.” Part 5 >>> Janey's stories |