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| KATIE'S SORROW by Janey <<< Part 2 PART 3 The following day had been strained and tense, with both James and Katie avoiding confrontation and any real discussion. They were awkwardly polite when they spoke, but for the most part, they each kept themselves busy doing anything to avoid the other. Katie did it because she couldn’t quite believe how disgraceful she had behaved, and James did it because he was ashamed with himself for not being more temperate. He continually replayed the previous nights events over in his head and now, with the benefit of hindsight, could see a thousand and one ways that he could have avoided things getting so out of hand. He refused to put the blame on Katie; she was afraid of what the future held and was also confused, angry and tormented over what had occurred to her recently. No, as far as James was concerned, he should have known better and instead he’d let his friend down when she’d needed him most. Later that night he heard her on the telephone, talking with Martin, telling him that she would be back at work on Monday. Judging by the way that she had constantly repeated she was certain that she was well enough to return, Martin was giving her quite a hard time, which James could utterly understand. As far as James was concerned she was being rash; he decided however, not to berate her over it. “I’m sure it’s a good thing you’re going back,” James said instead and then he desperately tried to hide his smile, as Katie appeared stunned that he wasn’t going to tell her off. “You’re bound to find it easier when you’re busy and surrounded by other people. Less time to think about things and I really do need to get back to the guys to make sure that they’re still pulling their weight. I mean, you know what Nicky’s like; any excuse to skive off and Sean I’m sure will be busy playing with his gadgets and computer.” “Erm yeah. That’s what I thought,” Katie stammered. “I’ll erm, just need to sort some transport out ‘cos I know I can’t drive, well not until I’m sure I won’t need any of those painkillers.” “Best book some taxi’s then Katie, just to make sure you can get one. No point till leaving it to the last minute or they will all be booked up,” he said. “Right then, I’m going for a shower.” Katie was left in stunned silence as James practically ran up the stairs. She didn’t understand it. She hadn’t really thought she was ready go back to work but had wanted to provoke a discussion with James. By agreeing with her, James had completely knocked her for six and left her a little confused and bewildered. When James returned downstairs, still dripping wet from his shower, Katie was sprawled on the sofa reading some printed sheets and listening to an 80’s compilation c.d., occasionally singing along to it. “What ya reading then?” he asked as he stood to the side of her and tried to bend the pages so that he could see them a little better. “Some pornographic stories about you Manic guys,” Katie said with a giggle, “and no you can’t have a peek until I’ve finished.” James heaved a huge sigh of relief, as it appeared that the bad atmosphere of the previous night and earlier that day had been eroded and they were now back on fairly friendly terms. “Now you’re just trying to wind me up. Who the hell would write stuff like that about us? I mean, we’re not the best looking band on the planet.” James then moved her legs up, sat down on the sofa and then lowered her legs back down again, over his own. “There are plenty of randy females who would argue with you about that. The four of you, yes I include Richey in this, are erm, how shall I say… giving women plenty to get hot under the collar about.” Her mouth broke into a wickedly cheeky grin as she taunted him, whilst still refusing to allow him to even so much as scan the loose pages she was clutching. James tried to grab them but she merely angled her arm back so that he couldn’t. “Uh-uh James. That’s rude.” “Aww c’mon, give a guy a break huh?” he responded bashfully. “You know you want to.” Katie ran a hand through her hair as she watched him trying to appear all upset and hurt and couldn’t suppress a giggle from leaving her lips, which then made her feign a look of horror. This in turn made James adopt his special ‘lost puppy’ gaze and that always made her shiver. He knew he was on to a winner when he used that look on her; no matter how mad she was, it never failed to make her melt. “Don’t you stare at me like that!” she said as she playfully tapped him on his knee, making him flinch, not in pain, but surprise at her touching him there. “Welcome back Katie,” he whispered as he leaned forward and brushed his warm lips against her forehead. “I’ve missed this. I’ve missed you.” She averted her gaze for a few seconds but then found the courage to regain eye contact with him and those beautiful deep brown eyes of his and her breathing became somewhat ragged as she saw him studying her intently. “I’m sorry James. It all kinda like came out wrong, you know, and then I just couldn’t kinda stop it, type of thing, and I just got nastier and nastier. I hated myself for the way I treated you, and I cried so much in bed.” “I know love; I heard you,” James answered lamely, whilst his hands ran up and down her calves. “I so wanted to go to you and comfort you but I didn’t want to make things worse. I just laid there agonising over every sound you made. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a sense of impotence.” “I’ve been such a bitch. I truly am sorry,” said Katie. “Don’t suppose you fancy giving the bitch a cuddle to show there are no hard feelings? I’ll let you read these with me.” James tapped her playfully to indicate that she should move so that he could lie down next to her, and Katie was happy to oblige and settled with her head in the crook of his shoulder and the papers in front of her so that she could read them to James. “Are you comfy babe?” he asked. “Thanks, though you might get a little ‘uncomfortable’ when you listen to these, oh and I apologise for the language I have to use in advance.” “I bet, that all you have are business reports,” he teased, “and that you’re just going to make this stuff up.” “Here you go then,” she said as she handed them to him, “you read them.” For almost an hour James was silent as he read them, and Katie wondered what was going through his mind. He also remained incredibly still, his only movement being the shifting of the pages and a slight tilting of the head. She mused over how strange it was that she was so at ease with him. For all she’d known the guys for several years and had always had a good rapport with them, there was no logical reason for why she should feel so safe with him, but then she recalled something the rape counsellor had said to her. She had explained that whilst new acquaintance’s were highly likely make her uneasy, panicky and suspicious, for the most part, men that she got along with and trusted prior to the rape she would still be able to remain close to. The relationships would change though. Some of the men she had been close to she would back away from because they would remind her of certain aspects of her attacker; others she would feel incredibly safe with because she already had an intrinsic trust of them. If it had not been stranger rape, it would all be very different and James would probably not be with her right now. But he was, and she was pleased. “Hey sleepy head, come on. Time for you to go to bed I think.” “What?” Katie moaned dazedly as she felt herself being lifted up into James arms and then had a sensation of moving, whilst her head lolled against the curve of his neck. “You smell nice; warm and safe.” “Great,” he giggled as he pushed open her bedroom door with his foot. “The way I smell sends women to sleep. No wonder I never have any luck.” Again she giggled sleepily as she was placed carefully, on top of her bed. She turned over and hugged the pillow. “Night James.” “Wait a second,” he said and he pulled back the duvet on the other side of the bed. “Move over to the other half of the bed Katie and get undressed before you go to sleep.” “I just want to sleep James. I’m tired,” she yawned as she rolled over. “Come on now. It’s only a t-shirt and a pair of slacks. You can sleep in your underwear.” She wasn’t responding, instead she’d fallen back into her deep sleep. James shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair as he frantically tried to decide what to do. Should he leave her to sleep in her clothes and have her waking up during the night when she got too hot, thus risking the chance that she wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep again? Or, did he just take off the t-shirt and slacks, cover her up, and leave her to enjoy a good night’s rest and see what happened in the morning? After much inner torment, he decided on the latter and trying to disturb Katie as little as he could, proceeded to remove her t-shirt. As he tried to lift it over her head she moaned a little and then pulled her arms back down. James groaned as he started again, and this time did manage to remove it. Thankfully her slacks were easier, and he was able to leave her sleeping contentedly. He stood in the doorway and watched her. She seemed more peaceful than he’d seen her in quite a while, and for that he was happy. Once downstairs, he poured himself a whiskey and coke and sat down to read some more of the stories she had given him. He had also found a folder with a little note inside from Rachel, (Richey’s sister) saying that she’d found them and thought they were quite entertaining and that she had passed them on to Rachel and Rhian who had also found them good fun, as had Nicky and Sean. No one was brave enough to give them to James to read though so could she possibly do it for them as they knew that she and James got on well and that Katie could get away with saying and doing things that no one else could. He smiled to himself as he felt warmth wash over him; it seemed that everyone had noticed that there was something special between the pair of them. From the minute Martin had introduced her James had been spellbound. She was a little pocket dynamo; very feisty and would stand for no nonsense. He admired the way she wouldn’t cave in to his pressure and harassment. Not many people had the nerve to stand up to him when his temper was in full flight, but Katie gave as good as she got; sometimes with added interest. His mum had met her when she stayed with James for a while in London and she had been captivated too, and not many women won the approval of Sue Bradfield were her son’s future was concerned. At the time James had been seeing another girl so he’d just laughed and said that if they ever did try to get together one of them would probably end up murdering the other, the way they fought and argued. Her reply had baffled him that day, but now he understood it perfectly; “I think you argue that way because there is so much denied and suppressed passion James. I know you’d both be very happy together. She’s a strong determined woman who has a heart of gold and is wonderfully warm and intelligent. Stop being afraid of what you feel and trying to convince yourself that it’s nothing. If you carry on you’ll be a very lonely man. With every girlfriend you’ve ever had you’ve been looking for the qualities that Katie has and now you won’t act on them, but then again you always were a stubborn old mule.” James realised he had started to cry. He missed his mum so much. If she were still here he would be on the telephone to her checking that he was doing things right and unburdening himself. As close as he is with Monty, his father, it was always his mum he had talked to when he had problems or was unsure of something. Never before had he felt so much love for a woman and yet also felt so useless. He also knew that there was more than a chance that he and Katie would never develop into anything more than a friendship now, but he couldn’t give up the hope that in time, that could change and they would be able to move forward together, as a couple. Only time would tell him if that was just wishful thinking or not. Fumbling for the bedside light switch, James knocked some things over and cursed at the noise he was making. The clock said ‘03.17’ and James blinked and rubbed his eyes as the sudden light dazzled him. Katie was sobbing again and it had woken him up. He rubbed his eyes once more, pulled back the duvet and searched for his boxer shorts. When he found them he put them on, and then swiftly walked to Katie’s room where he knocked on the door and said; “hey babe, it’s only me. I just wanna make sure you’re ok.” He entered the room and saw her sat red eyed on the edge of the bed, soaked in sweat. Her bedding also was a little bit damp. “I didn’t mean to wake you,” she gasped in between choking sobs. “It’s ok darling, that’s why I’m here,” said James. He sat next to her on the bed and hugged her into his body, kissed her hair lightly and patted her over her back. “No one’s going to hurt you again baby. I’m here to protect you and care for you. It was a bad dream, but you’ll be ok.” “We were in court and everyone was laughing at me. Even the judge was laughing.” “That’s not going to happen, Katie. It’s your worries and fears surfacing baby, and it’s normal for you to be worried. It’s going to be a hard thing for you to do, but you can do it because you’re strong and you’re a fighter. You may not think that now, but you are. And you’re brave. Very brave and I’m so proud of you.” Katie pulled out of the embrace a little and stared up at him with a surprised expression on her face; “You’re proud of me? Why? I mean I haven’t done anything have I?” “Yes you have. You have dealt with so much on your own. You could have crumbled or hidden yourself away, but you didn’t. You’ve carried on living your life as far as you could and that takes a lot of doing, so don’t you feel ashamed about anything, ok?” A slight smile broke out on his lips and Katie reached a hand up and traced the outline with her fingers. “Thank you,” she whispered. “I haven’t done anything,” James mumbled. “Yes you have. You’ve been my rock. Your support has helped me so much and even though I’ve been a bitch, you’ve stayed and been there for me. I owe you so much.” “You owe me nothing.” “I owe you some honesty,” Katie said very quietly. “What do you mean?” Katie started to wring her hands together. “That party,” she said, “I had told Martin that day that I was attracted to you. He’d kinda like caught me gazing wistfully at you as you posed for those magazine shots that you’d done in the morning and hounded me until I told him. Anyhow, he managed to get me to say that I would talk with you that night, you know, when we were both away from work and stuff?” James smirked, “funny ‘cos I’d kinda decided the same. I really didn’t want to do when you were in your official capacity for Hall or Nothing, in case it all went really badly.” Katie snuggled back into his warm body again. “I know you heard what I said in the hospital, even though you pretended to be asleep. And, as drowsy from the medication as I was, I also remember saying something about wanting to love you but…” she stopped speaking as though she was unable to find the words that she wanted and needed to say. “Come on. Now’s not really the time for this is it?” “No I need to say this so that you can understand,” she insisted, not daring to look at him. “You’ve always said how much you want children James, and I know you’d be a great dad. You know that I told you my chances of conceiving had been cut because of the ectopic, well it’s worse than that. The consultant told me that they had found a growth on my other tube, so as they were operating anyway they investigated it. I can’t have children James. IVF, won’t work; nothing will, so you see you need to forget about me and find someone else. Someone who will let you be the great, wonderful dad that you can be.” “Oh god, Katie I…” James was speechless. He knew how devastated she was when she’d told him her chances were dreadfully slim, but now. He felt a cold chill running through him and he was more than a tad shocked that her voice hadn’t wavered, but then he realised she had detached herself from the reality of the situation. She had spoken the words but she had held back all the emotions and had instead focused on her concern for him. In his mind he recalled all the times he had watched her playing or feeding, Mathilda and Clara. She had a natural way with children, and both of the girls had stayed overnight with her when Sean and Rhian, and Nicky and Rachel had wanted to spend some time on a night out, and like all parents, they were very picky about who they trusted with their daughters. She interrupted his thoughts; “So you see James, I wasn’t being fair to you. I lied to you.” Though still and outwardly calm, James could feel the wetness over his chest; she had started to cry, but she was calm and almost distant, and that worried James more than her fully-fledged sobbing had done. She was upset for him and he doubted the real impact had not yet sunk in for her. She had had to deal with so much, how the hell could the significance of everything really be comprehended. Here was a woman who was recovering from being raped, finding out she was pregnant and then losing her baby, being told whilst still in shock from all of this, that she can’t have children. James was devastated for her, how she would feel was unimaginable. “Hey now,” he murmured. “Which ever way I say this I’m going to make a mess of it, but right now my concern is for you. I love you Katie, I can’t hide it and I don’t want to, but we’re friends and now isn’t the time for either of us to think about what may happen in the future. All I do know is that I love you because you’re you and not because I see you as a baby-making machine. If, in time, we do become a couple then we can discuss it again then, but ultimately I think I should have a say in who I spend my life with. I know what they mean now when they say ‘if you love someone, set them free’ well before you do that let’s see what happens with US, ok. And I mean about us. If we don’t get together then it will not be because you can’t have children, you do know that don’t you?” “Yes,” she whispered to him. “It’s not just that though, James.” “Oh darling, you should really be trying to get some sleep not discussing all this heavy stuff,” James said as he tilted her chin up so that he could see into her eyes; they were dull and lifeless, almost black in appearance. “I just need to get it all out in the open, and now seems as good a time as any.” James brushed a hand through Katie’s hair and sighed inwardly as she closed her eyes and let out a semi-stifled moan at his touch. “What else is there to say, darling huh? Please rest now, I’ll help you change the bedding and stay with you till you go back to sleep, whatever else it is can wait.” “I don’t know if I could ever have sex James,” she suddenly blurted out. “I don’t feel like a real woman any more. I don’t feel desirable or sexy and how many men want the baggage that I have?” Her hand was caressing his face lovingly and she gave a strange half smile. “I’m not a counsellor, but I think it’s a common thing for women who have been through all the trauma’s of the last few months that you have, to not feel like being intimate. You’ve been raped Katie. That’s enough to put any one off making love.” His warm, full lips kissed her forehead. “You need to give yourself time. And for what it’s worth, any man would be damned foolish to let slip through his fingers without a fight.” “I bet you can’t imagine spending the rest of your life not having sex James,” she said. “I’ve heard enough of you chatting with the guys, or overhearing you on the phone to your girlfriends, to know that you enjoy an active sex life.” James took a deep breath, cupped her face in his hands and said, “I make love with a woman, Katie. I had sex with a few groupies when we started out, but sex is cold, unloving and unfeeling. It’s a means to an end and not particularly satisfying either. Making love is warm and pleasurable and it’s not just about intercourse. It’s about cuddling and caressing, kissing and just being close to the one you care about. Could I imagine having all of that with you for the rest of my life? Absolutely.” Part 4 >>> Janey's stories |