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| KATIE'S SORROW by Janey <<< Part 1 PART 2 James settled her down on the sofa and then went upstairs to get her pillow and quilt to make sure that she would be completely comfortable. He was being so sweet but it was driving Katie mad; she just wasn’t used to having anyone taking care of her. She had assured him that she would be ok going back home on her own, but James had refused to let her, so instead the taxi took a detour via James’ home so that he could pick some of his things up. She had told the driver to just leave James behind but the way that James had barked at him not to go anywhere without him, made the cab driver think that that was not a good idea. He had made her a coffee, given her a magazine and put on some music that she’d asked for, checked again that she was ok, then gone upstairs to shower and change of clothes. Katie sighed to herself as she heard his footsteps skipping down the downstairs. “I feel so much better for that,” he announced as he entered the room. All Katie could do, was stare open mouthed at him. “Oh James,” she eventually stammered. “You look, well, umm well…” “Clean?” he smiled as he sat on the floor next to her making her swoon irrationally as she took in the freshness of him, and the smell that was so indelibly James. The fact that he was not wearing anything over his chest wasn’t helping her. Not that she was going to lunge at him, she was still in too much pain and still feeling too low to consider anything so base, but well, he was beautiful. “Umm,” she decided she couldn’t think of anything more appropriate. “So, I should check what food and stuff you have and go do some shopping.” He absently stroked her arms as he spoke to her, causing the hairs on the back of her neck to stand on end as a frisson ran through her. “We’ll probably need milk and stuff,” Katie said flatly. “Then get whatever you want. I’m not hungry.” “I don’t care that you’re not hungry,” he smiled. “I’m going to cook something nice and light, and you WILL eat it. Even if I have to force you to.” “Bully!” she grimaced in response. “Hey love?” James asked with genuine concern. “Are you ready for more painkillers?” Katie nodded and James then rummaged in her bag of things that he had left on the kitchen floor earlier and found the pack of capsules. He took two out and ran some water from the tap into a glass that was on the draining board, and then returned to Katie who took them quickly. “Thanks nurse,” she half smiled to him and then snuggled down into the duvet, knowing that the tablets would make her sleep. “No problem baby. Now you catch your sleep.” James cuddled her gently, bestowing a featherlight kiss on her forehead and stroking some of her black hair off her face. He also began to sing very quietly, ‘being with you’ by Smokey Robinson, and Katie smiled and listened intently to him, fighting the drowsiness that was suddenly swamping her. “Beautiful James,” Katie said so softly when he’d finished, that James really had to strain to hear it. “Just like you. I so want to love you James.” James grinned to himself as he placed his lips over hers. She had succumbed to her medication and James was left to ponder what she had meant. “I love you Katie, but I think you know that already.” Katie woke several hours later. Still sat on the floor next to the sofa was James, only now he had a white shirt on with the top few buttons undone and was reading a book. Wonderful smells were wafting through from the kitchen and Katie had to admit to herself that it was so natural having him around. She had smiled to herself when she first realised James was still with her. That’s when she knew it; she didn’t want him to go, even though she knew realistically that she must. Katie watched as he studied the text and his fingers caressed and turned the pages so gently that they hardly made a sound. “Is it a good book?” Katie asked softly as she rested her head on his shoulder. “Hey babe,” James smiled. “How are you feeling?” “I’m ok. Something smells good.” “I’ve made potato and leek soup,” he laughed. “I remembered that you’d once told it was your favourite and my mum used to make it. She taught me how to make it so I’ve made some for us.” “Nurse and cook! Are you trying to make yourself indispensable James?” Her mouth curled into a faint smile but it never reached her eyes. They remained dark and lifeless. She was letting him get too close and that was dangerous. “I just wanna look after you honey,” James said. “Like good friends do, and right now you deserve to be pampered a little.” Katie had to admit that James was a good cook. He was also immensely considerate and knew when to leave her in silence and when to move the conversation on. Katie settled back down when she had finished eating whilst James washed and cleared the pots. As he was walking back to her, the telephone rang. “Do you want me to answer it?” he asked. “Please. Just say I’m ok.” “Oh Martin hi,” grimaced James. “Well she’s very tired, I think she really needs to get some rest.” He grimaced at her and shook his head, then he told Katie that Martin wanted to talk with her, and reluctantly she took the phone from him. “Martin, I’m doing ok really I am, it’s just that I’m not in the mood for visitors. I’m sure you’ll understand.” Katie indicated to James that she would like a drink as she continued talking with Martin, so James went through to the kitchen. “No Martin, I didn’t. Only you and James know and that’s how I want it to stay.” “Are you alright babe?” James asked, concerned that she was getting upset. Katie signalled that she wanted to finish the call; abruptly said goodbye and then James took the phone from her. “Sorry Martin but she’s really tired and she needs to get her rest. She’ll call you when she feels up to it, don’t worry.” “Thank you James,” said Katie. “I need to ask you something Katie,” James muttered softly, “and I know you won’t want to answer me but I would appreciate some honesty. I’m not going to say anything to anyone I promise, it’s just I’m kinda flying blind on this thing.” “You want to know who I was pregnant to.” “Was it Martin? Is that why we didn’t know you were seeing anyone? I mean that would explain why he wants to be with you right now.” James sat next to her on the sofa and dejectedly gazed into her dark eyes. “Oh James no,” sighed Katie heavily. “Oh hell fire. This isn’t easy for me so stick with me here.” “Take your time.” Katie inhaled loudly and deeply. “You remember the party we went to at Martin’s house a couple of months ago when he took me home because I was ill?” she looked across at James who nodded as he stroked her arm sympathetically. “Well I wasn’t exactly ill. Martin found me.” She started to cry. “You’re safe with me Katie,” James whispered. “He had noticed that I’d been missing for a while so started searching for me. He heard noises coming from the closet in the poolroom. I was being raped by one of his neighbours. Martin kicked the guy out; quite how he didn’t hurt him I don’t know. Then he undid the ties and the gag and took me to the police station. Despite all the forensic evidence, the bastard’s pleading not guilty, so we have to go through it all in court.” It hadn’t been a long statement but it felt like it had taken her forever to say, as her voice kept getting caught in her throat as she shook from the feeling of terror that flooded back over her. She was cold, despite being wrapped in the quilt yet was sweating profusely. “Oh baby.” James cried too as he hugged her to him. He could only imagine how distraught and violated she must feel, and no wonder Martin was so concerned. He must be carrying a huge sense of guilt around on his shoulders. James’ shirt was wet from her tears and she was gripping his arms so ferociously, James felt sure there would be welts and scratches left behind, but he didn’t care. If his taking some pain eased hers; that was fine by him. “When I found out I was pregnant,” she stammered into the crook of his neck, “I prayed the result was wrong; prayed that something would happen. This is my fault James.” “Baby it isn’t! Who wouldn’t have felt the same? A baby is supposed to be conceived with love Katie; not fear and abject terror.” Tenderly he cupped her tear stained, red-eyed face and rubbed his nose against hers. “Don’t you feel guilty Katie, because you’ve done nothing wrong or to be ashamed of. HE HAS, not you sweetheart.” “I may never have another chance for a baby James. I’m almost forty for heaven’s sake and now my chances have been reduced another 50 %. My baby never asked for me to wish it away.” “Nor did your baby ask to be conceived by a brutal, twisted rapist. What if he found out he had made you pregnant and after the baby was born fought you for access? How would that have been Katie? Seeing a man you hate and despise and who gives you nightmares hold and fuss your baby would rip you apart.” “They would never have let him would they? Surely not James.” Her face was contorted in horror and something that James couldn’t quite describe. Then he understood; she was feeling physically ill at the thought of her attacker having rights to the baby. James stroked away some of her tears with his thumbs and said to her; “I don’t know what would have happened; only that the courts make some strange decisions and he would no doubt have gone for the ‘Human Rights’ angle. Right now it’s you I’m concerned about. I wanna help you Katie, and I know it’s going to be a rough ride and things are going to be nasty for you, but I promise you that I’ll stay with you. There will probably be times when you scream at me to leave you to deal with it alone but I won’t.” Katie pursed her lips together and inhaled sharply. “Don’t expect anything of me James.” Few words but James knew exactly what Katie meant. “I’m not sure you’ll even want to stay as a friend.” “Why? I can only imagine what might happen and how those events might affect you and yes I know you’ll go through every conceivable emotion there is. Let me be with you too. I can take whatever you throw at me,” tenderly James tilted her chin so she was looking at him. She seemed so afraid and lost, and so very tiny in his embrace. His thumbs stroked across her cheeks, still wet with tears as he smiled slightly to her. “It takes a lot to get rid of me. Richey tried until he was blue in the face, but I’m afraid I’m not good at leaving people I care about a great deal, in a lot of pain and suffering.” Katie stared at nothing, sighing deeply and trying to find the words that she needed, and it wasn’t easy. After much consideration, she simply said; “I don’t want you to do that James. I can’t let you do it.” “Katie I want to be there for you.” His deep brown eyes were so full of sadness that Katie could have wrapped her arms around him and hugged him, but she didn’t. “You can’t do this on your own.” “I’m not on my own James. I have people to help me and I’m seeing a rape counsellor so I’ll be fine,” she lied and knew she wasn’t very convincing. “Especially if you think it may lead to something more.” Her words stung her even before she had finished saying them He didn’t deserve that. He was acting out of concern and certainly not with any ulterior motives, and Katie knew that. “You think that’s all this is? That I’m really so selfish Katie?” James face was full of hurt and pain. He looked as though he had been stabbed in the heart. “Yes I do love you, but I wanna be your friend and be there for you through this. I can accept that nothing will happen between us in any type of intimate sense, but I can’t accept us not being friends. We’ve grown close and you know that we have.” “Because I was vulnerable.” “It was more than that too, stop running away from this.” “I’m not running from anything!” she shouted. “It’s just like back at my office. You wouldn’t accept it then would you? You’re so used to women falling over themselves for you that you can’t understand one that doesn’t sleep with you at the drop of a hat.” “Now you’re talking absolute fucking nonsense!” He screamed in disbelief. “Not all men are like the bastard who did this to you, you know. Some of us do actually know how to treat a woman with respect.” “James please…” Katie said forcefully. “Don’t play the ‘I’m so misunderstood’ card because it won’t work.” James took a deep breath, stood up and began pacing around the lounge, wringing his hands together in frustration. Katie knew she had gone too far but she was afraid. Afraid of how James felt about her and afraid of the way her feelings for him were developing. It was unfair of her to expect James to stick around for her if he did want a relationship but she wanted him to be more than a friend. For that reason she had to give him the opportunity to walk away without his feeling guilty about leaving her after all that she had been through. The pain he was experiencing was cutting her up and she hated herself for being brutal to him. He seemed such a lonely figure as he pondered on what to say and do, giving her occasional glances to try to gauge her reaction. “I’m not going Katie,” he said calmly and quietly. “I know why you’re doing this and I can understand it, but trust me when I say I want to help you and despite the fact that I’m totally besotted with you, I will not make a move on you. Let me be your friend and I promise that if I can’t deal with it, I’ll leave. How’s that?” His eyes pleaded with hers with such sorrow. The last time she had seen that look was when his mum had died and he was a broken man. The memory of that still haunted her. “James I want you to go. I just think it’s for the best.” “Aww, come on Katie! I’ve cuddled you when you’ve been upset and nothing more. You know you can trust me.” “James it’s not about trust,” she said with some despair. “I don’t want to get dependent on you and I don’t want to lead you on. I would hate for us to fall out because you got too close and couldn’t back off.” “Just give us both a little credit for being able to be sensible adults will you?” The tension was so thick that you could almost cut it with a knife, both flashing furtive glances and looking nervous and unsure of themselves. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Two good friends were snapping and snarling and they peace between them was fragile. “This is getting us nowhere,” Katie conceded. “I’m going to have a bath and then go to bed.” “To avoid me I suppose?” James snapped. “That’s really going to help isn’t it?” “Well it’s better than fucking arguing!” she yelled back. “If you’d just fucking leave this would be so much better!” “Whatever! You know what? You just ignore me if it helps because I’m staying, at least until you go back to work.” James couldn’t even look at her now, he felt so angry, and he hated himself for it. He shouldn’t allow himself to be goaded in this way but he couldn’t help it. Katie suddenly seemed like a stranger to him but he knew he had to hang on in there, because, despite the act of bravado, she needed him. He was sure of it. Part 3 >>> Janey's stories |