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| KATIE'S SORROW by Janey PART 1 Don’t shoot the fucking messenger!” Katie grinned as she distributed the new schedules. “And James will you stop being so bloody obnoxious. You are just deliberately goading Nick. Honestly, if you can’t handle your drink you should stop drinking the way you do.” “Did I ask you?” James snarled back. “No, I didn’t, so just shut up!” “Right I’ve had enough this. My office NOW!” Katie asserted. “MOVE IT!” “Of fuck off. If I want to argue with Nick I will.” “I am not discussing this here, James,” Katie said pointedly and then walked out of the room to go to her office. “You’d better go James or you know you’ll just make it worse,” offered Sean lamely. “Go on. Just say sorry and it’ll be ok.” “I guess so.” James always hated it when Sean was right. Nicky and Sean shrugged at one another as James trudged off to Katie’s office for his ‘telling off’.” James paused outside her door, took a deep breath before knocking and then going straight in. “So why are you being so horrible to Nicky?” she asked as she gazed out of the window. “You’re acting like a playground bully.” “Well he started it,” grumbled James as he moved next to her. “We really are in the playground aren’t we? Honestly James take some responsibility for your actions,” Katie sighed aloud. “Sometimes you are like a petulant child.” “I know and I’m sorry,” he said sweetly and it made Katie smile. “See, you can be reasonable and sweet when you want to be. So much nicer than ‘brash’ James.” “I’ll apologise to Nicky too, don’t worry.” His voice was soft and husky and he was now so close to Katie that she could smell him and hear his breathing. “Oh and it was over you, by the way.” “Me?” she asked, stunned and James smiled at her impishly. “Umm. I told Nicky ages ago that I was nuts about you and I’ve been bending his ears about you regularly since. Today he finally told me to stop telling him and to tell you. So I am.” Katie searched his eyes but could find nothing to indicate that it was a joke. “I’m flattered, but no.” “‘NO’ what?” asked James. “Nothing’s going to happen James. Go back and speak with Nicky. Go on.” “Hang on a minute here,” he said firmly. “Don’t you like me; is there someone else or what?” “James, I do not have to justify myself to you. Now leave before I get angry with you too.” James stood silent in disbelief. He’d been given the ‘brush off’ many times before but this had taken him by surprise. At least when a woman told him to get lost she usually told him why she wasn’t interested, but Katie just wasn’t going to discuss it with him, and that puzzled him. “Katie come on,” he urged. “Is this a ‘no’ for now or for always.” James never got an answer as Katie’s secretary interrupted them, to inform Katie that her appointment was here to see her. James glared at her as he shut the door, more than a little firmly, behind him. James was utterly nonplussed. He had felt sure that she had liked him too, but her attitude surprised him. Katie was usually a warm, caring person with a great, albeit sometimes dirty, sense of humour. He’d never known her be so cold and distant. “Well I’d have put money on her fancying you,” said Sean. “Guess I got that one wrong.” “It would seem like we all have,” moaned Nicky. “Sorry James.” “It’s not your fault Nick. I just wish she’d be really honest with me, you know?” Katie settled in front of the tv for a few hours mindless viewing, after having had a long soak in a warm bath, enjoying the peace and quiet after the noise of the Hall or Nothing offices. She curled up in a ball on the sofa feeling nice and relaxed and glad the shooting, searing stomach pains had ceased, until the doorbell rang and disturbed her. Katie tried to ignore it but who ever it was grew more and more impatient. Reluctantly she got up and walked to the intercom. It was James, and he was not happy. “James please go away. You can talk to me tomorrow.” “I need to speak with you now. If you make me wait I’ll embarrass you by discussing this in front of everyone and I’m sure Martin would be less than impressed.” “Fine,” she said. “Do that James. I won’t respond to emotional blackmail,” switched off the intercom and went back to the sofa, she was about to get settled again when she heard James. He was singing! She smiled to herself. He really did sound good. ‘You’re just too good to be true, I can’t take my eyes off you.’ His voice was so sexy she felt a shudder run through her. Katie walked back to the door and buzzed him in. “I brought some wine with me,” he said as he wafted the bottle in front of her. “Sorry, but I erm, I can’t drink,” she said hesitantly, “I’ll get you a whisky if you like though. I’m afraid it’s not Jameson’s.” “That’s fine, thanks. So how come you’re not drinking? You on tablets or something?” he asked as she got a bottle and a glass from her cabinet. “Oh, nothing to worry about,” she tried to smile as she poured him his drink but it really wasn’t convincing and James suspected something was wrong. “Hey now, come on Katie,” he pleaded. “I’m not a bad guy, you can talk to me you know.” “So, what brought you to my neck of the woods tonight,” she asked. “I needed to sort this out,” James said heavily as he sat down. “There was a bad atmosphere earlier and I want to know why.” “Things are fine James. Or at least they will be when you accept that there will be nothing between us.” “It’s not that I have a problem with,” he said. “It was how you just dismissed it and wouldn’t tell me why.” “Does it matter?” she moaned in exasperation. “I just don’t want it.” Her eyes narrowed as she winced, her deep brown becoming almost black as she furrowed her brow too. “Katie what’s wrong?” Asked James with huge concern as he noticed the beaded drops of sweat forming on her forehead. He hurriedly put his drink on the table in front of him and rubbed his hands soothingly over her back. “I’ll be fine, really,” only her voice was less than convincing. “It’s happened a few times today. Guess my body’s trying to tell me something.” “Katie I’ve been around enough women to know period pains and stress induced stomach cramps and this isn’t either of those.” James looked almost grey; worried beyond belief about what was happening and feeling pretty useless. “Please Katie let me help you. Tell me what it is.” She searched his eyes. Despair was etched into them as he tried to comprehend what was happening. Katie took a deep breath; “I’m pregnant James. I’m scared I’m losing my baby.” Then she sobbed. Huge wracking sobs that caught her breath and made her shake violently. She hadn’t wanted to tell him. He was the first person she had told and now she felt sick. Katie had wished that she wasn’t pregnant, wished the test was wrong or that something would happen because it shouldn’t be this way. But now it came to the crux, she was petrified. James stared at her. Pregnant? He’d not heard her mention a boyfriend since her last relationship ended nearly eighteen months ago, and he couldn’t imagine her being the kind of woman who would jump into bed with someone if she wasn’t in a serious relationship. Well he knew she wasn’t. He had heard several of the men she had dated complaining that she wouldn’t have sex with them, so they had dumped her. Indeed a few of these dick driven men had been on the receiving end of James’ fists as he’d stood up for her. “James. James!” Gradually he became aware of her voice pleading with him in desperation. “I think I need an ambulance. I’m bleeding.” “Oh shit.” His adrenaline pumped through his veins as he fought his panicky feelings and tried hard to calm down and take control. It had been a long time since he had to deal with anything like this; well since Richey really. “Ok Katie. Impossible as it seems right now, you need to take some deep breaths ok? Try and stay positive for me darling; for me, you and especially for baby.” James called the ambulance and then sat next to Katie and tried to comfort her, though in truth he didn’t know where to start. How do you soothe a woman who may be losing her baby? What the hell must that feel like? She was adamant she didn’t want to tell anyone else. No one else was to know. For some bizarre reason James figured that she might have to stay overnight and so ran up the stairs and rifled through her drawers and cupboards to put a few essentials together for her. He then raided the bathroom for some toiletries, apologising profusely to her when he returned downstairs, panting heavily, for any mess he may have made. James studied her sleeping form through red rimmed, swollen and stinging eyes. The scan had confirmed an ectopic pregnancy and Katie had needed to have an operation. There was no way the baby could survive and if they delayed things too long, Katie’s life would be in jeopardy too. She had been so terrified and no one could say or do anything to take the pain away from her. At almost forty years of age this may be her only chance of having a baby, she knew that, and now it was being taken away from her. Not taken even, but dragged brutally, remorselessly and devastatingly away from inside her. Her insides had felt red raw before she was given her pre-med, like someone was pulling them out. The lame platitudes of the doctor’s who continued to tell her she should be ok to have children in the future, did nothing to assuage her bitterness and complete sense of bereavement. Suddenly she was so fragile. No longer was she the strong, plucky woman who stood up to them and barked at them when they had Martin cowering on the ropes from their anger. It had always made James smile, how Martin would so often back down to keep everyone happy, but Katie would stick to her guns insisting that commitments needed to be honoured and they shouldn’t agree to do things ‘because it seemed a good idea at the time.’ When it became clear she would have to stay in hospital, Katie had agreed that James could tell Martin what had happened, but she didn’t want him to visit and she was strict in her instruction that no one else be told what was wrong. All they were to be told was that she was unwell and would be away from Hall or Nothing for a week or so. She had made him wait until she had been taken down to theatre to make the call, and he was pleased in a way. Somehow he had managed to remain strong until that point, when his defences buckled and bent completely out of shape. The fragile grip he had on his tears and sadness was stretched beyond his control and he sobbed unashamedly to Martin. He loved her and he so desperately wanted to tell her, but he also knew that it was inappropriate; right now that was the last thing she would want to hear. Daylight was gently starting to break through the curtains as Katie slowly began to wake. She looked down; there was James, fast asleep holding her hand as his head rested on her shoulder. She started to cry; she couldn’t help it. He looked so handsome and so vulnerable and he had stayed with her. All night he had stayed and held her. Comforted her. She was touched more than she’d dreamt possible. Delicately, as she tried to stifle her sobs, she ran her thumb over his jaw, his lips and then she cupped his forehead and cradled him to her with one hand, as she gripped his other a little tighter, “thank you for this James,” she whispered into his hair. “If things had been different, baby.” James remained still, not wanting her to know he was awake but he couldn’t help but wonder what she had meant. However, right now it just felt amazing having her soft, tender hands touching him, and the warmth of her breath caressing him. He knew she was crying, he could hear it from her breathing and feel it in her heart beat and the trembling of her body, but he didn’t want to embarrass her, so he would pretend to gently and slowly wake up and see how she responded. “Hey sleepy,” she stuttered through the tears as she noticed his eyelashes start to blink, a hand still holding him to her lovingly. “Thank you for staying James.” She planted a tiny kiss on the bridge of his nose. “It’s ok,” he said and then felt stupid for saying something so lame. They gazed at each other, neither moving as Katie’s breath hitched in her throat, “Oh James why?” she yelled as the sobs choked her once more, and James merely shook his head as he sobbed with her. Huge, fast gushing tears sweeping down his cheeks. James wondered how much worse it would be had it been HIS baby. As irrational as it was, it was as though a part of him had been taken away too. Katie had mentioned nothing about the father; in fact she had refused point blank to discuss it, leaving James to wonder what had happened between the two of them. “I wish I could make it better honey,” James stuttered. “I wish I could take all this pain away from you and feel it all instead.” “That’s so sweet. Thank you love.” Katie grasped him to her again, neither of them noticing the nurse who had entered the room. “I’m sorry to interrupt Miss Barnes, Mr Bradfield, but I just need to check your vital signs. It won’t take long,” she quickly and efficiently fixed the cuff to Katie’s arm and then pressed the button on the machine. “I’m very sorry for your loss.” “Thank you,” said Katie. The nurse obviously knew who James was and no doubt, because he had stayed the night and she had overheard them call one another ‘honey’ and ‘love’, had assumed that the child was James’. To be fair, the way this had knocked James for six, she could understand it. He was utterly bereft and torn apart. Katie had never known him to look so forlorn and despondent and her heart went out to him. James glanced down at his feet as he wiped the tears away from his eyes and from his face and took deep breaths, to try and regain his composure. He knew what the nurse was intimating and he was catapulted into the strangest and most peculiar of places. In his heart he loved Katie. In his heart he was grieving. Yet he had no right to grieve with the ferocity that he was. The baby was not his. He and Katie had never exchanged anything more than a peck on the cheek on special occasions. So why did he feel as though he had been ripped apart? Katie was probably just suffering from shock, and that would explain why she hadn’t told him to get lost yet. He was her driftwood, preventing her from sinking into an ocean of sorrow alone. Nothing more; nothing less. He expected his shelf life to be short lived. She interrupted his thoughts; “you should get to the band James. They’ll be wondering what’s happened to you.” “Martin’s told them I’ve come down with the same ‘mystery’ illness as you, and so I’m confined to quarantine as well.” “Oh well, I suppose it will keep them quiet for a while,” she sighed, “but don’t feel as though you have to stay and entertain me. I mean they’ve said I can go home tomorrow, and you could do with a wash and shave.” James searched her sorrowful brown eyes with his own as he gently dragged the palm of his right hand across her face and cupped it warmly. “I want to stay with you Katie,” he said heavy with pain. “I don’t care how bad I look; I’m staying here for as long as you are.” Katie said nothing; she couldn’t. Once more her mournful eyes filled with tears and she reached out her arms and James hugged her tightly, rubbing her back once more in a soothing gesture. She needed him; she couldn’t escape that fact. He had surprised her by going in the ambulance with her, and then he was still there after the scan and when she woke up from the anaesthetic, and also that morning. She remembered how she had woken to find him cuddling her as he leant uncomfortably over the cot sides of the hospital bed catching some precious sleep himself. He had cried with her and for her, not caring if he appeared weak. Over the last twenty-four hours James had become incredibly familiar to her and yet, also incredibly precious. She adored the smell and the feel of him against her; the way he touched and soothed her with such care, love and patience she was awe-struck by him. Their relationship would be changed forever from now on. They had shared a profound experience so no way would they be able to go back to how things had been. Katie knew though that she couldn’t allow James to believe they had anything more than a deep friendship together. She couldn’t allow herself to be selfish and let him love her the way she really wanted him too; that would be unfair of her. Part 2 >>> Janey's stories |