janey_into-the-future

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INTO THE FUTURE by Janey (Sequel for Past, Present and Future)

PART 1

James and I stayed in touch by telephone for six weeks after I had left him that day. My home had needed lots of cleaning when I returned to it, and it seemed like I was endlessly being interviewed by the police. Strangely hardly anything had been taken and luckily, although they had completely trashed my computer, documents and files that I needed or were important to me were all kept on c.d.’s or discs and kept somewhere very safe. This meant that my latest manuscript was also safe. In fact they would have found very little of any worth, not even paperwork.

As soon as I had managed to get the place cleaned up I had put it on the market and got a firm of decorators in to give it a fresh appearance throughout. Although I knew it was ‘one of those things’, I suddenly hated the place and it became a huge inconvenience. I bought a brand new computer, well it was a tool of my trade so I had to have one, and an I.T. expert had to come round to retrieve and then transfer data from my old hard drive onto the new one, and also retrieve my emails for me. What a lot of messing about!

Now I was busy finishing off my manuscript, re-working the biography of Manic Street Preachers, house-hunting and packing things that I knew I could survive without, in readiness for any future move.
“James I promise that I’ll be with you on Wednesday,” I reiterated for what I could swear was the tenth time. “I have a house to view this afternoon and two tomorrow, but after that I more or less have a clear diary until Monday.”
“What do you mean by ‘more or less a clear diary’? You are entitled to take a break you know,” he sighed heavily in exasperation, and then continued ranting, but I switched off; I’d heard it all before.

His patience was wearing a little thin but I suppose that after 6 weeks I didn’t have any right to hold it against him. I literally had not had anytime to go to Wales or London to meet with him, and although he had offered to come and stay with me, I had very firmly insisted that he didn’t. My house was a mess of now bare empty rooms, or rooms filled with packing boxes. I was living in 3 rooms, the study, the kitchen and my bedroom. Every other room seemed cold and unwelcoming.

“For fuck’s sake!” Finally, I snapped, sick of endlessly going over the same things and feeling as though I constantly needed to justify myself. “You are unbearable, so fuck you! I am an adult and believe it or not, that means I can make my own choices and decisions without having to justify or explain them, and you have no right to be intimidating me this way.” Heaven only knows why but I put my mobile down and moved away from it to compose myself; the dulcet tones of James still trilling to no one in particular.
“Karen! Don’t you fucking ignore me.”
Even now I could hear him and I had had enough. I picked up the phone and… “James, have a nice life but leave me alone!” Then I switched it off.

He didn’t know my land line number, nor did he actually know my address, however to be on the safe side I contacted my agent and told him that if anyone from the Manics requested any details so they could get in touch, that they were informed to do it either via him or my solicitor from now on. He was also to contact Martin and tell him the same.

Gradually over the weeks, James had become more and more insecure and paranoid during our conversations seemingly unable to accept what I was telling him at face value. I was constantly having to reassure him that my feelings for him hadn’t changed, and they hadn’t. I still thought about him all of the time and missed him like crazy, but it was getting more and more tiring and tedious. I had always managed to keep my composure, until now that is.

My anxiety levels were climbing through the roof so I grabbed my bag, locked the house and went for a drive in my car to nowhere in particular, in the hope that I would calm down. Luckily it worked and when I arrived at the house I was viewing, I had resolved to call him back and apologise.

After the viewing I went to the park and sat smiling stupidly at the young children as they fed the ducks on the pond, and as they laughed and giggled whilst playing on the swings and slides. Seeing the sheer delight on a youngster’s face is such a simple thing, yet so heart warming. They enjoy each and every minute with relish, unjaded and cynical, unlike us adults.

When I finally switched my phone back on I had numerous text messages (James), voicemails (James), and missed calls (James). It made me smile. I had been hard on him; way too hard, but both of us were struggling with trusting each other even though there was no reason why we shouldn’t. Steph had well and truly poisoned our minds and it was going to take a lot of effort to let go of the past and our insecurities with it.

Out of curiosity I decided to check all of the messages that James had left; I soon wished I hadn’t. They started off apologetically enough then gradually developed into much more angry and menacing ones. A constant theme throughout was him ‘demanding’ that I call him back, and if I thought I could finish our relationship by phone, then I was very much mistaken. I was listening to a voicemail when my phone rang again – James, so I deliberately let my voicemail pick that one up as well. It took me five minutes to find the courage to listen to it, and it was more or less the same vitriolic rant as the others. No way was I going to call him back, well, not straight away.

I eventually called him the following evening. Rather craftily I thought I called him on his landline so that my number wouldn’t flash up, however I then realised that he could always leave it for the answermachine to pick up. Thankfully he didn’t.
“What?”
Now there was a nice warm, friendly voice! “James, it’s me.”
“Supposed to do a song and dance to celebrate am I?” he snapped.
“I’m sorry ok, I really am, it’s just I can’t handle the non-stop inquisition.” I was firm but not abrupt. “Do you still want me to come tomorrow or should I not bother?”
He took a long time to answer, and I grew more and more worried that he would tell me to get lost. “You know the answer to that,” he finally said. “I’m going crazy not being able to see you and touch you.”
“Not long now,” I reminded him.

We didn’t discuss the incident on the phone anymore; I was relieved that James was still talking to me and he seemed relieved that we weren’t ‘finished’ at all. Instead he asked about the houses that I had seen and I told him that I had made an offer on the one I had seen in the afternoon, and promised to take round some brochures so he could get an idea of what it was like.

Nervously I stared out of the car window at the house, James’ house. My hands were actually shaking and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. I couldn’t recall even being this nervous when I had gone to Wales before to meet up with the guys. Mind you that was a bit different because it was business and I knew what I wanted and also knew that I didn’t have to spend any more time with them than was necessary. This time it was about building the bond we had started to make and developing a relationship. A relationship with a man that I had silently and secretly loved for over two decades, but also had not seen, until recently, for much more than a decade. The last time we had hardly spent much time alone because Nick and Sean were there much of the time, but this time it was different, we would be alone, really getting to know one another again.

James must have heard the car pull up because before I had got out of the car, he had opened the door of the house and was striding towards me, wearing a huge grin. My feet hardly seemed to have touched the floor than they were leaving it again, James picking me up in his strong arms and kissing me insistently. That was when my nerves left me, the glorious sensation of his lips on mine and his tongue playing seductively in my mouth.

This trip was definitely the right thing to do.

“Bloody hell Karen I’ve missed you,” he said breathlessly, relinquishing control of my mouth.
“I would never have guessed from such a restrained welcome,” I blushed, running a thumb over his inviting lips.

He helped me inside with my bags and we laughed and jovially chastised one another over our recent behaviour as we sat in the garden enjoying a cold drink. Then he gave me a tour of the ground floor before once again picking up my bags and then proceeding to show me upstairs. We walked along the corridor until we came to an open door. James walked in and put my bags on the bed.
“I hope that you like it.”
“It’s fine but where’s my room?” James’ things were everywhere so it was clearly his room. I didn’t venture inside.
“You’re in it.”
I took a deep breath; “so where are you sleeping?”
“Here; with you.”
“Guess again,” I smiled. “Now stop teasing and playing games and show me my room please.”
“This IS your room; OUR room. I even made space for you in the wardrobe.”
“Thanks but I don’t much fancy sleeping in the wardrobe,” I giggled, trying to keep it light-hearted. Surely it wasn’t going to go wrong so soon?
“Karen this is our room, I’ve told you.”

Damn, he was serious.

“Then find me another because I’m not sleeping with you James.”
“Why not? You played with me last time.”
“I did not ‘play’ with you. I briefly stroked you over your pants and you told me off so I stopped.”
“But we could have gone further, you wanted to, so what’s wrong with our sleeping together?”
“MEN!” I exclaimed furiously. “There is nothing wrong with us sleeping together, if it happens; the problem is YOU ASSUMING that I’ll share a bed with you. We spent a few days together after all those years of being apart and it was YOU who said to take it slowly and stopped it!” I was livid; I couldn’t help it. At this rate James and I would be nervous wrecks or suffering from a complete breakdown before we even HAD a relationship. “After that we’ve spent six weeks apart but you don’t see anything wrong in practically telling me that I will sleep with you.”
“Karen, I want you with me. I want to fall asleep holding you and wake up cuddling you; for heaven’s sake, I want to make love to you.”
“James, if we had slept together before it would be different. Now please, show me another room.”
“So you’re refusing to sleep with me?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake! Will you change the fucking record?” I yelled, walking in to the room, grabbing my bags and then turning on my heels. “Now show me another bedroom or I’m going home and you will definitely have to sleep on your own, won’t you?”

His beautiful, wonderfully expressive eyes clouded over and for a brief instant I thought that he was going to cry, instead he said dejectedly; “you can have the room opposite. I need to make the bed up though.”
“If you get the sheets and things out we can do it together how’s that?”
“So there is something that you want to do with me then?” he snarled aggressively.
I glared at him, furious at his bullish attitude. “That does it! I’m going home and you can go and fucking play with yourself if you’re that frustrated. What the hell happened to you James? You were kind, caring, considerate, even fun, but this…” I stumbled for words. “Nothing has happened but you’re so possessive and needy. I don’t like it and it’s not what I want.”

With as much dignity as I could muster I walked back to the main door, ignoring James’ yells behind me. On reaching the door I turned and glanced back at James, stood at the top of the stairs still shouting at me. Of all the things that he was shouting at me, I never heard what I needed to hear; ‘I’m sorry’, or even ‘please come back’. I turned my back to him, opened the door and…

“Karen!” beamed Nicky. He then caught sight of the bags and heard James yelling at me.
“Nicky,” I said through gritted teeth and tried to force my way to my car.
“What the hell is it with you two?” he barked, blocking my way. “You are not going anywhere young lady, apart from back into that house. Now back in and NO arguing!”
“Damn you Wire!” I cursed, reluctantly stomping back inside.
“And you get your backside down here Bradfield and STOP swearing.” Nicky closed the door and then ushered me into the study, ignoring my protests; a short while later a very angry James joined us. “Right, I’m going to lock you in here, and in here you will stay until you sort this out.”
James and I stared at each other in disbelief, then we heard the key in the lock; he had actually locked us in.

“I hope you’re bloody happy.”
“Me happy?” asked James somewhat shocked. “If you hadn’t been so dramatic this would not have happened.”
“If you hadn’t been so obnoxious this would never have happened,” I retorted angrily.
For well over twenty minutes we followed each other around the room trading insult for insult and accusation for accusation. I was amazed I wasn’t losing my voice.

James continued his tirade as I gazed out of the window onto the neatly cut front lawn, with all the beautiful flowers in the flowerbeds to its sides. He was getting closer and closer to me, I could sense him, and then I could smell him. I turned to face him, ready to give him a piece of my mind but I couldn’t. He was so animated and alive with passion; his eyes sparkling dangerously, all I could do was stare. He was right in front of me now, his breath warm on my face. Almost surprising myself I reached out my fingertips and stroked his face lightly. This man certainly knew how to provoke a response in me.
“Let’s start again,” I offered.
“Pardon?”
“Pretend I’ve just arrived. Remember how pleased you were to see me?” I smiled when he nodded. “Let’s go back there.”
A smile of realisation spread slowly and James took me into his arms. “I’ve missed you like hell and I love you so fucking much.”
Once again he was kissing me like only James knew how.

Nicky interrupted our intimacy when we heard him unlocking the door. It was difficult to gauge which of the three of us was grinning the most at that point. Holding hands James and I walked through to the lounge with Nicky.
“Of course you know why this happens don’t you?” mentioned Nicky presenting us with a tray holding three cups of tea.
“Steph,” I mumbled.
“Exactly,” agreed James.
“You need to break the chains or she’s won,” Nicky said succinctly.
“I know, it’s just so bloody difficult,” complained James. “How come she can still manipulate us even though she’s not even here?”
“Because she was very clever James. We all stopped trusting each other and despite the affection we both have for each other, it’s going to take a lot to overcome that.”
“Affection?” he teased, raising an eyebrow.
“Love.”
“That’s better.”

“She resorted to manipulation and deceit because it was the only way that she could keep you apart,” observed Nicky. “Bottom line is that she was jealous of you Karen. We all knew that you never much liked us as a band, but as friends we were closer to you than we were to her; she had to get you out of the way to ingratiate herself to us. Trouble was that she was just a tad obsessive.”
“Just a tad?” spluttered James. “She was unstable.”
“We’ve got to leave her behind,” I said. “All the time we’re even mentioning her name she’ll be laughing. We all need to rebuild what we had.” I glanced across at James and he smiled.

“So,” said Nicky very sprightly. “What the bloody hell happened with you two so soon after you had got back together again?”
“Nothing we can’t sort out,” said James a little sheepishly. “I was just being an insensitive twat.”
“Nothing unusual in that,” laughed Nicky madly. “This is going to be one hell of an interesting relationship if you’re always gonna be that passionate and fiery.”
“We’ll settle down,” I offered.
“Don’t know if I want to,” James sniggered with a mischievous wink. “The best part of falling out is always going to be the making up, and we’re good at that.”
I blushed madly and giggled coyly; for once stuck for words.
“I’m sure that you’ll find a way of having all of the thrills of making up without having to go through world war three first,” Nicky offered with a knowing shake of the head and a suggestive wink.
“With practise,” I chipped in.
“Aye practise makes perfect after all doesn’t it?” James smirked. “Anyhow Wire, what the hell are you doing here?”
“Being nosy!” he answered honestly. “I wanted to see Karen again but I figured that you may try to keep her locked away from us all.”

“He could try but he wouldn’t get very far, Nicky. I was going to suggest we organised a barbecue one evening. I haven’t seen Rachel, Rhian, Terri or Martin in such a long time either, and I feel I need to apologise to Rachel and Rhian for my stupidity in not seeing what SHE was up to.” For all I didn’t want to talk about HER, I couldn’t hide away from the chaos and devastation that her actions had been responsible for.
“You didn’t know what was happening Karen,” said Nicky sympathetically, giving me a warm smile.
“And that was my fault as well wasn’t it?” I added. “As soon as she slept with James, she won. She knew how much I cared for him and that it was only a matter of time before I would disengage and withdraw, focusing on Richey who also distanced himself from her manipulations as far as he could.”
“Let’s not go over it anymore. Neither me, Rachel, Sean or Rhian blame you in the least. Even if you had stayed around us, because you no longer lived in the area, she would still have been able to play her little mind games with us. It would just have taken her a bit longer that’s all.” Nicky gave another friendly smile and patted my hand in reassurance.

“Please stop berating yourself,” urged James, sadness washing over him and concern emanating from his eyes. “We’re all burying the past and looking to the future and a big part of that is you and me. Our relationship working out will be a big fillip and justification.”
“And they all live happy ever after?” I said sarcastically. They both made it sound so simple, but human nature wasn’t like that.
“If we want it enough, yes,” sighed James, Nicky nodding in agreement.
“You conveniently seem to be forgetting the major issue of compatibility. Whether or not this relationship succeeds depends on more than wanting it enough James,” I offered. “We haven’t had time to assess whether or not we are truly compatible, but with all the arguments and misunderstandings…”
“You can’t think that way Karen,” urged Nicky passionately. “Things have been rather exceptional since you came to us, but you know that what you and James had was always special, you just lost sight of it.”
“I didn’t lose sight of it though did I?” I couldn’t help but grimace as the painful memories washed over me as though I was reliving it all over again. Neither could I believe how angry I was; I seemed to perpetually be on a short fuse. “I went and lived my life just as James has done.. We are not the same people that we were back then. Who knows, perhaps despite all the passion we missed our opportunity.”

James looked hurt and upset. “So that’s why you won’t stay in my room with me? You don’t think we stand a chance do you? That’s why I never knew your address, why you only gave me your mobile number. You may get something out of kissing me but there isn’t enough real emotion there for you to love me is there?”
Without giving me a chance to reply, he stormed off, swearing and cursing each step he took.
Nicky held his head in his hands and gazed down at the floor. “For fuck’s sake! You two need your bloody heads banging together!”
“I didn’t say anything!” I protested, churned up inside that James was in such pain but uncertain of what to do.
“He’s insecure and you tell him that you think you’ve missed the opportunity! Can you imagine how that hurt?”
“He’s insecure?” I yelled. “He was the one who went off and shagged my friend! He was the one who broke my blasted heart!”
“I know that and so does he. He doesn’t need reminding of it all of the time, besides he was hurting too.”
Now I was incensed, it seemed to me that James could do no wrong and was to be pitied but I was a wicked witch who seemingly deserved all she got.

“Oh yes!” I exaggerated. “He thought that Richey and I were in a relationship even though you and Richey were the ones in a bloody relationship! Either James is lying or he thought that Richey was fucking insatiable.”
Nick composed himself and said calmly; “Karen, you’ve got to remember how crazy it was. I was with Rachel – officially with Rachel. Yes people knew about me and Richey but they also knew about his penchant for groupies. It’s not inconceivable that he would be with you and give the groupies a miss.”
“Only he didn’t, did he Nick? I would meet up with Richey and you guys knew when I did, and still he slept with them. Considering you’re all so intelligent you can be so dim-witted and thick.”

I paced around the room livid at their stupidity and angry with myself for losing control and being so venomous towards James.
“You want to hear that we fucked up? Fine, we fucked up.”
”This is never going to work is it?” I moaned in exasperation; I was exhausted.
“It can if you both let go. This whole thing was about you two getting to know each other NOW. You both love each other but like you said, you’re not the same people – none of us are because we’re older and we’ve experienced other things. If you try and it doesn’t work out that’s one thing, but at least you will have tried. Continue to put obstacles in the way and you’ll fail before you’ve even started. I know it’s bloody difficult but you have to let go of the hurt that James caused you because he hurt himself too. He’s a man’s man is our James and that means that he doesn’t show his emotions easily; except for when he’s around you.”

I stared at him, taking in what he had said; everything made perfect sense, now I could understand that. The question was… could we let go of the pain? That applied to James and myself.

Part 2 >>>

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