janey_into-the-future-3

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INTO THE FUTURE by Janey <<< Part 2

PART 3

We kissed for what seemed like a very brief time but which I knew was much longer, and James sighed heavily, holding me against his muscular torso, unwilling to relinquish contact.
“I guess I really had better go to bed and leave you to get some sleep,” he moaned dejectedly.
I couldn’t see his face but I could feel the heaviness within him, his muscles tensing with frustration; I couldn’t leave him like that, it wasn’t fair.

“You never protested,” I said light-heartedly.
“To what?” he asked, confused.
“I at least expected you to protest that you had enough self control for us to be able to spend the night in our underwear, even if I can’t be trusted.”
He searched by eyes for signs of teasing; I wasn’t that cruel.

We enjoyed a lie in and then did indeed go shopping and yes condoms were on the shopping list. Remarkably though over the next two days we didn’t actually use them, James deciding that he could wait a bit longer; though he wouldn’t estimate how much longer when I teased him about it.

James travelled back with me rather than taking his own car saying that he would get the train back. Needless to say that I then insisted on driving him back, a few days away was turning into so much more. He surprised me with his enthusiasm when I showed him the brochure for the house that I had put an offer in for. Happily one of the first messages on the answer machine when I got back informed me that my offer had been accepted, and there was no chain involved on their side because they had already relocated to America. My estate agent had also left messages for me; two couples were in something of a bidding war over my house, which I found ridiculously flattering.

On arrival at my home James wandered around on his own saying nothing, he didn’t have to the glances he was flashing could whither flowers at a hundred paces; talk about disparaging.
“Move in with me until the sale is completed, I’ve got plenty of room.” His voice wasn’t pleading but his expression was; it broke my heart.
“For the sake of a few weeks it’s really not worth it,” I answered softly. “And it’s just a couple of move that I could do without.”
“I thought that you would want to spend more time with me.”
Oh no! Not that sad puppy dog look again; I do wish he wouldn’t do that.

“James don’t start getting uppity on me,” I pleaded. “What is the point in my moving stuff into yours to then have to move it again in a few weeks? It doesn’t make sense.”
“It does if you think about it,” he suggested calmly. “It will give us more time to see how well we get on and you could leave some of your stuff there. That way you’d always have clothes and essentials when you came to stay.”
“Nothing more?” I stuttered and he looked at me like I had gone crazy. “I mean you won’t see it as a sign that I’m about to move in with you?”

Despite his best efforts I saw the smirk that he was trying furiously to hide, knowing he was rumbled he smiled coyly: “You can’t blame a guy for trying,” he muttered light-heartedly.
“Let’s not rush things James ok? This is really new to us so lets not make any assumptions all right? Whatever is meant to happen will happen.”
“I still don’t get this.”
‘Here comes trouble’ I thought and sure enough he continued:
“They way you go on you’d think that we had only just met when in fact we’ve known each other for donkey’s years.”
“Umm, not quite true that,” I said trying to keep the humour in my voice. “We knew each other for a few years, years ago but then we lost contact and have only just met again.”
“You are being picky and pedantic woman. This is a relationship that’s been waiting for years to get underway; to fight the urge to be with me is futile!”
Thank heavens for him holding on to his sense of humour – that would make things easier.

“Stop being so impatient,” I chided. “If we’re destined to be together I’m sure that you can wait a little longer. After all we’ve spent all these years apart…”
“Exactly!” he exclaimed with huge shiny eyes and a huge soppy lovesick grin. “So what is the point in wasting any more time? None; that’s what.” James walked across to me and scooped me up in his arms as though he was about to carry me over the threshold – instead he deposited me into a comfy chair.
“It would not be wasting time,” I explained. “ How can getting to know each other be a waste of time? It would be worse if we ran head long into this and then it went wrong; think of the heartbreak then.”
“I don’t believe either of us has changed that much,” he mumbled.
“Well you had better hope that we have or we’re doomed,” I said obviously mystifying him. “Back then I held a grudge against you. What I should have done was ask you what was happening with you and Steph but I didn’t, I let it fester and therefore made a bad situation so much worse.”
“Whereas I slept with your best friend even though it was you that I fancied like crazy,” he sombrely reflected. “Ok so I see your point.” He sat on the arm of the chair and lazily caressed my shoulders.

“Does that mean that we’re not going to argue anymore?”
“I doubt it very much but let’s just say that we have a temporary truce,” he giggled mischievously, planting a brief kiss on the crown of my head. “I think that what you should do is arrange for another viewing of that house; I quite fancy having a gander around it and finding out about the ideas that you have for it.”
“That is a very good idea,” I beamed to him.
“I do have them occasionally you now.”
“Not very often but hell they’re worth waiting for when they do arrive,” I teased.
“You minx!” he laughed, tickling me like crazy.
“Ok, ok!” I bellowed with tears of laughter streaming down my face; “I’m sorry.”
“NO-MORE-PISS-TAKING!” he said wickedly, as he continued his tickling offensive.
“Never, ever I promise… JAMES! I said I PROMISE,” I spluttered frantically. James stopped then, with the most amazing smile on his lips and an expression of pure and utter love.

“I think it’s time that you showed me the bedroom don’t you?” he whispered naughtily. “I have this urgent need to go to bed.”
“Are you tired honey?”
“I need some relaxation,” he smirked, his brown eyes alive with excitement.
“I kinda like, ya know, fancy some relaxation that you do as a couple. You know, ya kinda exercise a bit and then you feel all relaxed and happy.”
“You could always try the gym.”
“Are you always going to make me work this hard?” he queried, twining our fingers and rubbing his nose against mine.
I stared at him for some time, James was such a handsome wonderful man and here he was with me, wanting to make love with me. His brown doe-eyes enticing me to join him in bed and I was scared. Scared and oh so nervous.

“Well?” he asked, gently invading my thoughts. “Penny for them.”
“You’ll laugh.”
“I won’t; I promise. Now what’s wrong? We have a very healthy supply of condoms now. Even if we do have to hunt through our bags for them.”
I grinned in response to him. There was not one iota of pressure in his voice and he was genuinely concerned, I knew that. “I’m scared. It’s been a long time since I…”
“Hey don’t worry, I was being a bit presumptuous, but I did kinda hope that if we made love here you’d have something good to remember and that that would make the weeks until you move a little easier for you to deal with. We don’t have to; if you’re not ready Karen it’s fine; truly it is.”

I didn’t have to search his eyes for the truth; it was in his voice. He genuinely would give me more time if I needed it. Sometimes his compassion, tenderness and humility astounded me. I loved this man, only now was I beginning to realise just how much. Oh yes I’d known before that I loved him, but the power and depth of that love had crept up on me slowly and covertly. This man was astounding; this man was loved and wanted by women all over the world; this man, for some reason, wanted to be with me. How lucky was I?

“I do want to James; I want to so much. I’m just worried that I’ll disappoint you.”
“Oh honey you could never do that!” he sighed hugging me to him. “You may drive me insane and infuriate me with amazing regularity but you can’t disappoint me: not ever. Being close to you is the best feeling in the world.”
“What if I’m not any good? If I can’t satisfy you?”
“I could say the same thing honey. What if I can’t give you an orgasm? What if I cum too soon? What if I can’t get an erection?”
“I’m being silly.”
“No, you’re being honest. It’s perfectly all right for you to have the concerns that you do.” Abruptly he stood and held his hands out to me, which I had no hesitation in taking hold of. “We are going to bed and I don’t care if all we do is cuddle ok, but we are spending the next couple of hours, at least, in bed.”
“But…”
“Don’t,” he admonished jovially, shaking his head slowly from side to side. “Let’s just spend some time curled up together. If something happens then great, but being alone with you is what matters.”

“We’re alone here,” I pointed out, trying to appear innocent.
“Yes but we’re not intimate here nor would it be as comfy as going to bed.”
“I can’t remember if the sheets need changing.”
“That’s it: stop it now! Bed, young lady, before I send you there as a punishment.
“Now that sounds interesting.”
“Don’t bait me,” he dared me dangerously, “because you may get more than you anticipated.”
“Is that a threat or a promise?”
“Care to find out?”

We didn’t make love. We kissed, cuddled and talked. Having James’ strong arms around me and his body against mine was comforting and evocative. I loved the feel of him, the smell of him. I loved the way his warm breath bristled over my neck when he held me protectively. With James beside me, even this horrible cold house, that was once my lovely home, was appealing. That’s a small indication of the comfort and strength that exuded from him. Quite frankly, if we never left that bed until I took James home I would be happy.

“So,” he said slithering under the duvet and tickling me. “What are we going to have to eat?”
“Good question,” I answered as best I could in between laughing and trying to swat his hands away.
“Well what have you got in?”
“Not a lot, I really should go shopping.”
“Just as well the milkman left some milk; you know how grumpy I get if I don’t get my regular cups of tea.”
“James honey,” I said as firmly as I could in the circumstances. “You are almost always grumpy; you’re almost as notorious as Sean.”

If we had been arguing I would have been in deep, deep trouble but thankfully James was in one hell of a good mood.
“I was going to offer to get us a take out,” he said with disappointment. “I think though that after that remark, I’ll get my own and you can sort yourself out.”
“Meanie!” I stuck my tongue out at him.
“You need to learn some manners,” he smirked and then proceeded to nudge me out of the bed.
“Kick me onto the floor and you are in so much trouble,” I threatened.
“As if,” he taunted, undoing my hands from their tenuous grip on the sheets. “You would have to catch me first.”
“Revenge is a dish best served cold,” I answered sweetly as my arse landed on the floor. “It’s not today that you have to worry about.”

“You look so cute down there,” he teased, his brown eyes full of mischief and devilment. “If it wasn’t for the fact that I like curling up with you when I’m in bed, I’d make you a bed on the floor.”
“Well you could always make a bed on the floor and join me in it,” I suggested, smiling and then reaching for my clothes and hurriedly getting dressed.”
“Why are you getting dressed?”
“Because I need to go shopping. Are you coming or do you stay in bed?”
“I think I’ll stay here,” he said and then moaned, “I hate shopping.”
“Me too, but we need to eat and if you don’t come you can’t complain about what I get for your meals can you?” I winked at him.
“Ok, I take a hint.”
With dramatic flourish he threw back the covers and got out of the bed. I don’t think that I had ever seen anyone get dressed so quickly – it was quite incredible.

“So we shop; we cook; we eat; we wash up and then we watch tv or a dvd or listen to some music and read or something. Sounds good.”
“Actually I’m going to work a bit more on the manuscript, I need to get it finished and there’s only so much that I can do before I need to start interviewing you guys.”
“What for?”
“Well as far as the history of the band goes I have all of those details but what I don’t have is the impact events had upon you all and the way they made you feel and react. Likewise I don’t know what was happening to you all on a personal level or how that impinged on the band. I don’t want to be over intrusive but this is supposed to be an authorised biography so it follows that some personal stuff will be in there.”
“Like stuff with me and Steph.” James gazed down at his feet; the brightness suddenly leaving him and he seemed to age ten years in those few short seconds. “Can’t you just fucking leave it?”

“You think I’m enjoying it? None of the stuff to do with her is a joy to write James because she was hurting people. If I could gloss over it I would, but Nicky, Rachel, Sean, Rhian and Richey’s Rachel have all said that they’re ok with it. They want it to be honest.”
“But none of them did the dirty on you like I did, did they? They didn’t break your heart and leave you bitter and hurting for ages.”
“Neither was I in love with them, or am in love with them. For all you went with her James, it was her that did the ultimate damage. She put a wedge between us and manipulated the situation to her own advantage; that’s one thing I’m getting my head around now. I don’t blame you because I’ve learned about the games that she played. I’m letting go of the past James; can you?”

“Are you though? Every time you write or recall what she did aren’t you going to wonder if someone else can take me away from you?”
“Do I need to worry about it? Right now what I worry about is the two of us not being compatible anymore. I also worried about driving you away because I couldn’t let go of my hurt but I’m learning to channel that more constructively; well I think I am anyway.”
“You bloody well would wouldn’t you? Can’t be your fault because it never fucking is,” he threw at me.
“James how dare you speak to me like that? That’s disgusting and I might remind you that I didn’t sleep with anyone!”
“Oh yeah, here we go!” his arms flayed around like a possessed windmill. “So much for your ‘channelling’ as you called it.”

“Is there any bloody wonder? You have deliberately gone out of your way to pick a fight with me, well now you’ve bloody well got one. Why don’t you just pack your bags and go? I hate this place enough as it is, having to tread on eggshells around you is just an insult too fucking far.”
“You’d love that wouldn’t you huh? Just think of all the gloating you’d be able to do, and I’m so that everyone would be so sympathetic as well. After all this is the emotionally challenged James Dean Bradfield we’re talking about isn’t it?”

“Since when have I called you emotionally challenged?” I shot back to him. My skin prickled; I was emotional and I was shivering; I could feel it. If this was what our relationship was going to be about, I didn’t know that I could handle it; I’d be a nervous wreck. Oh sure making up after was good but wouldn’t it all get just a tad too tedious after a while? Perhaps James and I would both change to help stop the arguments but how would that affect us in our professional lives? It’s our passion and drive that makes us who we are, besides I really can’t imagine James not being a grumpy git who wasn’t afraid to say what he thought.

“You haven’t; it’s something Sean and Nicky have said to me on account of all the girlfriends and fiancées that I’ve had. ‘Course I was bloody pining for you wasn’t I?”
“Well you can stop pining for me now can’t you? You can tell them instead that you’ve been pining over a fantasy because who ever it was that you thought you were in love with, it sure as hell wasn’t me.”
“That is so true! You are such a bitch these days you know?”
“I had to grow up pretty fucking fast! You broke my heart; Richey was fucked up and in pain and then, he left us! Yeah, my life’s been one long fucking picnic.”

He pushed me aside and stormed out of the house, definitely not a good move, as he didn’t know the area. We had been fine until I had mentioned the book. Was he still feeling guilty over what happened or did he think that I was ridiculing him? Or was it just the thought of Steph and her twisted manipulations that upset him because he hadn’t seen was she was like? My one consolation, well two really, were that he had gone out without his wallet and he’d also left his clothes behind. Without even a credit card he would find things difficult. I glanced around the room again, no mobile, so he had taken that with him, but his house keys were still were he had left them.

Why did everything between James and me always end up as such a blasted cock up? It seemed like we were just destined to self-destruct and jeopardise what could be something really special. Or maybe that was just me being unrealistic.

We had changed so much in the years that we had been apart even though there was an undeniable chemistry and magnetism coursing through us both perhaps it wasn’t enough. Perhaps we were still chasing idealised images of a perfection that never actually existed. We had changed but our emotions were still stuck in a time warp – in it we are naïve teens or twenty-something’s. Our feelings hadn’t matured and developed. Had I been nearer the truth that I anticipated when I’d said that maybe we’d missed our opportunity?
Was my subconscious trying to tell me something? I wondered.

Thankfully the shops were quiet; I didn’t relish doing battle with screaming children, irate husbands, stressed housewives and long queues. I bought plenty of food assuming that James would return at some point and that we’d actually manage to be civil for a time.

When I pulled the car up outside my house I had expected him to be sheepishly waiting for me but he wasn’t and I had been gone for a couple of hours. Forlornly I put the shopping away getting increasingly worried for his safety and worrying about where he could have gone. Ever since Richey left I have been virtually obsessive about people telling me where they were if they were late. It was as though my little brand of paranoia expected everyone to disappear. I sniggered to myself ironically as I pondered the odds on James to be the second person to do a runner from my life.

It was getting dark and still he wasn’t back. Had he got lost or was he sat somewhere remote and tranquil lost in his thoughts? Should I go looking for him or would he think it was a sign of my indifference to him that I wasn’t here when he came back? Damn but this was bloody complicated.

His mobile! Why hadn’t I thought of that before? Feverishly I scrolled through the names – my fingers suddenly choosing not to work properly and my brain deciding not to remind me that he had his number voice tagged. If I said ‘James mobile’ into the darned thing it would call automatically. Oh well a girl can’t think of everything in her moment of panic can she now?

I heaved a huge sigh of relief when I heard the ring tone but my joy was short lived as it went to voicemail.
“James honey, it’s Karen,” I said as optimistically as I could muster under the circumstances. “I’m back from shopping and missing you. Give me a call especially if you need a lift back. See you soon.” For good measure and to probably doubly piss him off, I also sent him a text. At least he couldn’t say that I hadn’t tried.

An hour later I tried again, and an hour after that. This was ridiculous. He had been gone for four hours and I was going frantic with worry.
“James you little shit,” I said into the voice mail. “This isn’t funny, I’m worried about you. Just let me know that you’re ok.”

Later

It was dark outside now, at the very least he could call me or text me to tell me to leave him alone, or that he was staying at an ex-girlfriends; right now I wouldn’t care as long as I knew that he was safe. 11.20pm and my phone flashed and vibrated; it was a message ‘open the door – James.’ I charged to the door as swiftly as I could and found him sitting on one of the steps. I opened the door to him and neither of us said anything as he walked in and then slunk into the kitchen opening every cupboard there was.

“What are you after?”
“Whisky and glasses.”
“In the lounge cabinet. Watch your footing with all the boxes.”
“Thanks.”
Well wasn’t this a scintillating conversation? I wondered how long we were going to skirt around the issue before one of us would actually be brave enough to confront it, knowing it could take us all the way back to square one.

“Want one?”
“If there’s any left,” I remarked sarcastically noticing the generous amount he had poured for himself.
“There!” he said pointedly after pouring some of the amber fluid into another glass, slapping it down into my hand.
“Thanks.” I watched as he took a huge gulp, then another; the glass was empty. He opened the bottle but then stared at me as if waiting for a sarcastic comment, I merely shrugged my shoulders, nodded and then went up the stairs to bed.

“Night James,” I called to him, I wasn’t in the mood for games. If he followed me to bed, fine. If he didn’t, that was also fine.
I finished my whisky, had a shower, brushed my teeth and got into bed and stared at the ceiling. Talk about a crazy situation. Right now we could do with Nicky to use his mediation techniques before we did something really stupid like kill each other.

It was after midnight when I finally heard James coming up the stairs. He collected some of his things and then took a shower. I squished my eyes tight shut but knew it was useless to pretend I was asleep so I stopped so he’d see I was awake. When he came out of the shower he was naked and beautiful
“Can I or should I sleep somewhere else?” he asked hesitantly.
“Climb in,” I answered simply.

Despite the fact that he’d brushed his teeth the smell of whisky and tobacco still lingered on him. Curiously it made me smile, I found it comforting and reassuring. We lay side by side saying nothing but listening to the sound of our breathing, heavy and uncomfortable. This was agony. I was angry with him but I wanted to feel his arms around me. I wanted to go to sleep and forget but I also wanted to talk and find out what had gone wrong. Now was not the time.

“I’m sorry.”
I had to strain to catch the last part of it. Had I heard him or was I imagining it?
“I really am sorry Karen.”
No, he’d really said it, that time I could feel his warm breath on he side of my neck as he whispered to me.
“I love you.” He curled an arm and a leg around me and also stroked my hair. Part of me wanted to push him away but I also craved his touch. I needed him, whether that was healthy or not was a different issue but hell I needed him.

Despite being sated and exhausted I couldn’t sleep. Why? Because of the realisation that we had made love without a condom. We lay in each other’s arms, all too well aware that neither was asleep, trying to pretend that we were.
“Can’t sleep?”
“You neither huh?”
“Nope.”
“We’ve been a bit silly.”
“Yes.”
“Maybe you need to see about the morning after pill.”
“I would say that that is a given wouldn’t you? Let’s be honest, there wouldn’t exactly be a lot of point in you getting it would there?”
“You’re angry.”

“Give that man a coconut! Yes I am, with myself. I can’t believe that I’ve got myself in this predicament at my age.” I sighed heavily as he hugged me tightly to his naked, warm body.
“It was my fault, I should have stopped and put one on instead of leaving them sitting beside the bed. Condom isn’t going to work if I don’t put one on is it now?”
“I should have insisted but I didn’t did I? Oh no! I told that my self control goes hurtling out of the window when I’m with you.”
“Maybe we should talk more about this when we wake up huh?” said James nuzzling at my neck.
“Along with the case of the disappearing singer?”
“Alright, enough. I agree I do owe you an explanation.”
“And it had better be good.”
“Can’t promise good but I can promise honest at least,” he whispered.
“That’ll do for starters,” I answered melting into him again, and then eventually drifting off to sleep.

We tiptoed around each other when we got up not wanting to break the fragile truce that the morning and the new day had brought. Could this really be the same couple that cuddled each other to sleep last night? The same couple that had made love with such enthusiasm and abandonment? Incredibly yes it was, although we both seemed to have undergone a personality transplant.

James retreated back into the broody silence that infuriated me whereas I became over cheery and pleasant. I was nervous; the enormity of what had happened had sunk in to me as I had waited for sleep to wash over me and take me somewhere nice and peaceful. Then my peace and tranquillity were torn apart by strange vivid dreams. Dreams of Richey, dreams of babies, dreams of having babies taken away. Not really lots of dreams, just one very odd, very blurry dream that was odd and scary.

“Do you erm… do you want me to come with you when you go for the tablet?” he muttered so softly it was hard to make out.
“Tablet?”
“Yeah the er, the morning after pill.”
“Well actually it’s a course of two but no thanks, I’m not going.”
“What the fucking hell do you mean by that?”
“James I can’t do it. If I’m pregnant than so be it, I just can’t do it.”

“Even though we don’t have the most stable of relationships, you want a child?”
“Let’s get this clear ok? I do not want to take tablets that will get rid of a baby that I may be carrying. If I am pregnant I hope you’ll stay but you don’t have to acknowledge the child as yours. If you want we can disappear from your life completely.”
“I’ll still know though won’t I?”
“ ‘IF’ I’m pregnant; we don’t know yet.”
“You were fine with going for the morning after pill last night, what happened? What changed?”
“I’ve thought about it a bit more that’s all. Obviously I would hope that I’m not because it would be too soon and like you said, we don’t have the most stable of relationships, if we have one left at all.”
“Umm,” he grunted. Amazing to think that with his intelligence a grunt was all he could offer.

“However if I am, well this may be my only chance of having a child and I can’t get rid of it like you’d get rid of an old shampoo bottle. I work from home so child care isn’t a problem and I make enough money to bring baby up on my own.”
“Sounds like you’re ready to kick me out of the door!”
“I never said that.”
“What if I don’t want a child so soon? You know I want a family but I always thought I’d have a say in the matter.”
I laughed insidiously at him, what a cheek!

“I told you I wasn’t using contraception, you had condoms next to you but you didn’t wear one so I think it’s safe to say that that was your ‘say in the matter’ don’t you?”
Sharply he stood up and began pacing the floor. This was not a time to interrupt James, he was thinking and he had a lot to think about. I lost count of the number of cigarettes he smoked; no sooner was he stubbing one out then he was lighting another. No room was safe from the stench of tobacco smoke as the cogs in his mind worked overtime to come up with a solution. Having paced every inch of carpet he then proceeded to pace up and down on the paving outside and also the grass. It was impossible to know what he was thinking, only that he was inordinately pissed off.

Just as the kettle boiled James entered the kitchen, his features nondescript. His eyes, usually so expressive and alive were numb/void. A cold shiver ran through me; I wasn’t going to like this.
“I feel backed into a corner. Things with us are volatile and now there may be a baby to consider. It’s just all a bit much and I’m not sure I can do it and I don’t want to stay around because of the baby.”

Strangely it didn’t hurt. If anything it was a relief; he’d mulled it over, made his decision and that was that. No more uncertainties.
“I’ll drive you back home James,” I said calmly. “Go get your stuff together.”
“I didn’t…” he began.
“Let’s not prolong this huh? Pack your stuff and I’ll take you home, I’ll call Rachel and ask if I can stay there overnight. If not I’ll find a hotel and drive back tomorrow.”
“Drop me at the train station, no point in you going out of your way is there? Could you call and find out the times for me please? I’ll get packed.”

Without thinking I went to look for the telephone directory. This wasn’t right, any of it. James and I were one of the most volatile, furious, argumentative couples around, yet here we were calling time on our very brief relationship without even a final whimper. The man I loved so all-consumingly was about to walk out of my life but I was devoid of emotion and response. What the hell was going on?

“You take care,” I said hugging him before he got on to the train.
“You too,” he replied morosely. “You’ll let me…”
“Of course,” I nodded and smiled to cover up my nervousness. “I’m sorry James.”
“Me too.”
“I’ll be in touch at some point anyway,” I offered and he seemed puzzled until I elaborated, “the book.”

He nodded and sighed.

It was the most surreal experience watching that train as it pulled out of the station.

Part 4 >>>

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