| nnn |
 |
| HESITATION by Janey “Are you sure about this?” “Yes, now stop worrying. Everything is going to be fine.” “I wish that I shared your optimism,” Nicky huffed then grimaced, then once more ran his long sinewy fingers through his hair with agitation. “Carry on like that and you’ll rub all of your hair out. Do you want to go bald?” “Bald will be preferable to dead,” Nicky sighed, staring in amazement when his lover sat on his knee, wrapped their arms around his neck, then kissed him sweetly on the lips. “Nice as your kisses are you had better not do that either.” “What the hell do you think I’m going to do Nicky?” his lover laughed. “Trust me when I tell you that I will keep my composure and manage to refrain from lunging at you. Although granted it will take all of my strength.” “This is serious; stop taking the piss.” “Nicky darling, you are doing more than enough worrying for the both of us. I’m trying to calm you down and allay your fears before you go completely demented.” “I don’t know how the hell I let you persuade me that this was a good idea. They’ve been merrily oblivious for this long so why rock the boat?” “What they have been is silent, not oblivious. They are not blind lover.” “Why upset the status quo?” “All these years people have suspected you and Richey of having an affair, it’s never bothered you. Are you comfortable with the deception but not the truth?” “No! It’s just that, well, whatever suspicions any of them have harboured have remained exactly that. This is thrusting it into their faces.” “Stop exaggerating Nicky,” James smirked. “Being gay is no big deal these days.” “I think our wives will disagree with that.” “Point conceded, but right now Rachel and Mylene are not our main concerns; the boys are.” “This is the first of many big steps though James. For years we have had this clandestine relationship; been tortured due to all the secrecy. Once it’s out in the open there is no going back.” “I don’t think there was any going back from the day we were honest about how we felt.” “Honest with each other maybe but it didn’t stop you dating Mylene, getting engaged or married did it? Didn’t stop me from sleeping with Rachel or having a beautiful daughter.” “Nicky, are you trying to tell me that you don’t want to stop being with Rachel?” Nicky paused before giving his answer. “I think I still love her. I have no right to ask it of you, but please, can we stay as we are?” “Nicky, I for one am living a lie. For once in my life I need to stop hiding behind myth and rumour. It’s time I told the truth, or at least part of it. I don’t love women in the way I should. I won’t mention your name, don’t worry.” It was glaringly obvious that James was upset. Whilst he was relishing being open about his sexuality, finally admitting who he really was, Nicky was being torn by it. When they had spoken about this before Nicky had always seemed at ease with admitting his love for James and his desire to be with him. Now he was backtracking. “You’re angry with me.” Nicky lowered his gaze. “I’m sorry.” “Don’t be Nick; I’ll get over it. After all it’s just another one of life’s let downs isn’t it?” he shrugged, still sitting on Nicky’s lap. “I had no idea, how stupid does that make me? All those time that you held me, telling me you wanted to be with me so much that it hurt. All of it lies huh?” Nicky was so confused. James was sounding deeply hurt but he continued to sit on Nicky’s lap; continued to stroke his face tenderly. James suspected that Nicky was overwhelmed with nerves at the possible outcome. Both of them were risking a lot, but he could also see that for Nicky it was harder; he had his daughter to consider. How would she react when she understood her dad’s real relationship with James? “Not lies James. When I’m with you I don’t want to be anywhere else.” “When you’re not with me?” “I think about you all of the time.” James sighed, relieved at his friend’s candour. “When you make love to Rachel?” Nicky gazed everywhere but at James. He fiddled with his hair, touched his ears, stroked his chin, rubbed his knees and also played with his fingers; stalling for time. Seeing his torment James cupped Nicky’s face. “Whatever the truth is, it’s ok Nicky.” Slowly Nicky smiled his vivid blue eyes bright once more with joy and passion. “I want to be with you. I think about being with you, otherwise I couldn’t…” with crimson cheeks Nicky looked radiant. “I love her because she’s my wife and the mother to my child, but it’s not the same as the love that I have for you.” “I don’t want to rush you. We have waited this long without telling them, you’re right, so what difference does a bit longer make?” “You’d continue with the frustration of secret assignations for me?” “Rather than lose you? Yes, yes I would. I love you Nicky but I still want to tell them that I’m gay, Mylene as well for that matter. Can you deal with that?” Nicky pressed his lips against James’ tasting the tobacco from the recently smoked cigarettes. “You deserve to be with someone who has the courage of their convictions, not a coward like me.” James gave a tender smile of reassurance, placing his hands so that his thumb caressed Nicky’s cheeks whilst his fingertips played with the nape of Nicky’s neck. “There is one major problem with that, I love you. I would rather be having a furtive relationship with the man that I love than a public one with someone I don’t. As long as you want to be with me, I’ll be here.” Nicky closed his eyes, sighing with desire. “James, I really want to be with you but I need more time. I’m not strong enough for all of the questions or pointed stares; not yet.” James gave Nicky a deep meaningful kiss, holding him gently, yet firmly. “That’s ok.” He kissed Nicky again. “But you’re ok with me telling the guys then telling Mylene? I’ll not mention you, I promise. I need to get this out in the open.” “Tell the guys,” smiled Nicky lovingly. “Who knows, by the time you get round to telling Mylene I may have decided to come out too.” “Whether you do or don’t Nicky, it’s ok. Because I love you.” They kissed passionately then giggled when James’ doorbell chimed, letting them know that it was almost time for James to face the music. After one final kiss they both took a deep breath; tonight things would change for both of them. Nervous as he was, James knew that it was the right thing to do. The end. <<< Janey's stories |