Mr. McDowell, star of if.... and A Clockwork Orange was in New York to promote his latest picture, O Lucky Man!
Malcolm: Right then, here we go then.
Jude Jade: And again...
M.: Interview Mark II for Interview. Oh, dear, that is not your writing in it?
J.: What? What writing?
M.: You haven't prepared questions, have you?
J.: Heaven forbid. That's the kiss of death.
M.: Right, I agree.
J.: Ok. Let's see...is that your girlfriend?
M.: Who, Margot? Yea.
J.: OK, what else can I ask? Uh.
M.: Terrific. That's it then. Great, what an interview. That's terrific, the best interview I've ever had. "Is that your girlfriend?" "Yes." End of interview. Wonderful.
J.: Alright. Do you like to wear make-up? Like in the movies?
M.: I couldn't make a movie without it.
J.: Yes, but how about other than that?
M.: Well, I don't think that I like or dislike it. It is just a part of life when in actuality you are 53 and playing 22 it becomes necessary to wear a lot of a makeup. And I think I have the best makeup man in the world. After all I was born in 1926 and this makeup man has discovered the secret of life as far as I'm concerned. You know I have all of this experience and I am still playing all of these juvenile leads. I am very lucky to have him.
J.: Oh you lucky man...
M.: You can't tell I have on makeup now?
J.: No it is very good.
M.: That is the point.
J.: How about dresses?
M.: Dresses... let's see. Well in the summer I like a nice dress. You know I like the air to ruminate around my cheeks. But dresses in the winter bug me.
J.: Do you wear underwear?
M.: Not in the summer and certainly not in bed.
J.: Not in bed?
M.: Well, I sleep with my socks on in bed.
J.: Why, do you get cold feet in bed?
M.: Yes and when my feet are cold I wear socks.
J.: Where else do you get cold feet then?
M.: Well, there are my feet.
J.: Yes, but what other frightening experiences give you cold feet?
M.: Oh, now we are getting down to the serious part of the interview, we're getting metaphorical now are we? I can see this is the serious part. I get cold feet when I get on an airplane.
J.: Really?
M.: I hate flying. I really loathe it. Especially the landings, I find that very hard to take.
J.: I hate when you take off and the back of the plane goes... uuunnnggg. Like the bottom of the plane dropped off.
M.: And the wheels go... kerfboong.
J.: Have you ever worried about being hijacked to Cuba?
M.: No, I would love that.
J.: Me too. Havana cigars, tropical drinks on the veranda. Havana la la la la la Havana...
M.: I'd love to go to Cuba. (the phone keeps ringing). They are not going to leave us alone so I guess you better answer it.
J.: He isn't here, you better try another room. But dear it isn't my fault if you can't find him, try the living room or the kitchen. Well if you don't know the extensions I'm sure I don't. I am not trying to be difficult. (Malcolm is singing "Hey Jude don't make it..." )
M. Is she bugging you?
J.: Just hold on and I'll find him, we don't want to be ridiculous.
M.: "I must, I must, I must increase my bust. I fear, I fear it's going to my rear." (Malcolm records this while I'm out of the room). That which I just recorded will be written on Raquel Welch's tomb.
J.: She had silicone.
M.: Well there you are. Have you?
J.: Of course. I wouldn't be where I am today without silicone.
M.: It is the only thing to have. I have it in my big toe. And it's really made a hell of a lot of difference.
J.: In what way?
M.: It has changed my whole personality, my whole psyche.
J.: By the way, what DOES make you tick Malcolm McDowell...
M.: What makes me tick?
J.: What are your ticks?
M.: My ticks, well I tell you I have had a very hard time with ticks.
J. They have a cream you know.
M.: I can't get rid of them. I should use the cream, they've suggested I shave. I have crabs too, and they are really serious. I've had them for seven years, they have become household pets.
J.: Do they multiply quickly?
M.: Well as you know they do. I think I first got them in Stratford, in my tights. As you know all of the actors wear tights.
J.: Well now, what would you do if you went to Cuba?
M.: I would love to meet Castro and smoke some cigars. It must be a pretty nice place to live. Don't you think?
J.: Hmm, it's hot.
M.: Don't you like the heat?
J.: Only if I can go swimming.
M.: Well now, Cuba is an island, plenty of places to swim.
J.: You should fly to Nassau all the time and maybe you'll get hijacked.
M.: Oh, but I don't like Nassau, do you?
J.: Nassau's gone funky. I just was there.
M.: Why did you go there? Did you like it?
J.: Sort of but it was boring.
M.: You should have gone to Eleuthra, have you been there?
J.: No, I wanted to. Have you? It is nice, right?
M.: Nicish... I actually went crazy there. There is nothing to do. There are more nightclubs in Nassau than in all of New York.
J.: But you can't gamble in New York.
M.: You gamble every day in New York.
J.: Ugh, you mean walking down the streets?
M.: Sure, one trip in an elevator in New York and you take a gamble.
J.: So, uhh, what are your hobbies?
M.: My hobbies. At last count I had 332 hobbies. I enjoy very much stroking my dog.
J.: What kind of a dog?
M.: A golden retriever. He is more intelligent than President Nixon.
J.: I wouldn't doubt it.
M.: I wouldn't either that is why I am telling you.
J.: What is his name?
M.: His name is Alex. Eh, you said "How chic", yes it is rather. He was given to me by Stanley Kubrick, of course, in loving memory of our happy relationship. He is a lovely dog and has a great smile.
J.: He smiles?
M.: The dog smiles, believe it or not.
J.: I believe it. I had a dog that smiled.
M.: Well, I wouldn't believe it, but anyway.
J.: No, no, it does, or it did smile.
M.: Ok if you are prepared to believe me I'll go along with it then.
J.: Ok, that is one of your 332 hobbies. What else?
M.: I also love collecting stamps. I collect stamps from all parts of the world. I also have a small, but intimate library. I love playing records every now and again.
J.: Do you know what Nixon does in his library? To soothe his tattered soul or whatever, he turns the air conditioner on high - this is in the summer or anytime but winter - and then he builds a fire in his fireplace.
M.: Well that does show a certain amount of consistency in the man.
J.: And you know what else? You know that movie RICHARD with Richard M. Dixon? Well you know Nixon went through a big change over after he lost in California.
M.: A sex change?
J.: Well, whatever. And he went to psychiatrists and all that. Well in RICHARD they portrayed that with a CLOCKWORK ORANGE thing with him sitting in the theatre with his eyes clamped open watching his "Checkers" speech and him barfing.
M.: I didn't see it actually but I was told it was good. Any other good movies that you've seen?
J.: I like old movies on TV.
M.: All old movies are good, simply because they are old.
J.: That is because in the old days there were such fabulous stars, with beautiful dresses and everyone was so glamorous.
M.: Do you think the movie star is a dying race?
J.: I'm afraid so. There just isn't anyone great anymore. I like Raquel Welch but there isn't anyone like Garbo or Hepburn or Carole Lombard. Or even the smaller ones, well not small but women like Myrna Loy and ...
M.: Olivia De Havilland. Well it is sad.
J.: I don't want to go to the movies and watch someone have a nervous breakdown or fucking or whatever. People need glamour and frivolity for their fantasies.
M.: People should be enjoying themselves. You should go see my films. I've made five so far and they are positively brilliant.
J.: Do you bite your fingernails?
M.: My fingernails, no, but I bite my toenails, well only my big toe since I have had silicone. It is enormous, I have enormous toes.
J.: Do you use straight razor or an electric?
M.: Well, I should check your beard darling. I tell you I am very worried about you, Jude, I really am. I always used an electric, don't ask me why because I am an electric man.
J.: Do you believe in sadism or masochism?
M.: I believe in both to excess. I believe one should take and give a good whipping every day. Can't be bad can it?
J.: Have you ever been to a psychiatrist?
M.: No, I haven't been because I don't honestly feel I need one.
J.: Have you had your teeth capped?
M.: No do I look as if I needed it?
J.: No, I just thought all movie stars had their teeth capped.
M.: Well, I think that movie stars who need it should have their teeth capped. After all that's fair. I know Harold Wilson, that's the leader of the Labor party, had his teeth capped. And it has made a tremendous difference and he isn't even a movie star.
J.: Well tell me this if you went to a psychiatrist what would you tell them? Do you have any secret fears or lusts?
M.: Fears, oh no. I have plenty of lusts, but they ain't secret.
J.: But how do you sort all of this out?
M.: Well, I come from a very small insignificant island. We don't have the same hang-ups as you. Over there the people seem to be determined to analyze themselves out of existence. I don't go in for all of that. I prefer to let it all happen... slowly.
J.: Do you worry about getting old? After all, being 53... how long can this go on?
M.: Well until my makeup man dies I suppose. old age is very worrying let's face it. Once you reached it there is no worry, it's just the getting there.
J.: Were you fat when you were little?
M.: Heh, heh, fat? I don't think I was exactly flat, I mean fat. I may have been on the plump side. I think fat is a nasty word.
J.: Do you believe in the Dr. Atkins diet?
M.: Who?
J.: Who? Dr. Atkins. He is the one who lets you eat steak and lobster with butter and all that but you can't eat vegetables or bread. There is a lot of controversy now because some people are saying it'll kill you.
M.: Well do you think I need a diet? I bet he is making a lot of money.
J.: Do you believe in abortion?
M.: I personally find it very painful.
J.: Yes, but I mean for others, others who are willing to withstand the threshold of pain?
M.: I think yes they should be legal.
J.: But what about the sacredness of life?
M.: Well, it ain't so sacred here, is it? Did you see how many people were killed in New York yesterday? Fourteen, that's how many. Now what do you think of that?
J.: That's not bad for New York, really. Do you worry about being murdered?
M.: No, of course not.
J.: Do you like to sign autographs?
M.: Umm, I've never liked signing my name. It is because I have always had a great difficulty with the "D" in McDowell. I am never sure whether to swing it over or just to kind of ...I usually leave out the hoop in the "D". Anyway signing my name usually means I am signing checks and I hate to do that.
J.: Are you rich?
M.: Relatively.
J.: Well, that's not bad. Where you ever good in sports?
M.: I am a very good cricketer, and I do a very good turn with the croquet stick and I'm also not bad at ping pong.
J.: You should go to China.
M.: I'd love that. I really love Chinese food.
J.: Do you cook?
M.: Do I what?
J.: Do you cook?
M.: Thought you said something else there. Do I cook? The answer to that question is absolutely and positively "no". And I won't wash up either.
J.: What about the answer to the other question, the one you thought I asked?
M.: Oh, I would say definitely, anytime.
J.: Well, who does the cooking?
M.: I have a special cook.
J.: And do you eat TV dinners?
M.: Never.
J.: And do you eat frozen foods?
M.: Never.
J.: And do you take vitamins?
M.: Never.
J.: You've never taken a vitamin?
M.: No, never in my whole life. Should I?
J.: You should try vitamin E. It is wonderful.
M.: What does it do?
J.: I don't know it's just wonderful.
M.: You've taken it? And what has it done for you?
J.: Name anything.
M.: Well, OK.
J.: Do you make home movies? Everyone in New York makes dirty home movies.
M.: Do you make them?
J.: Oh, no.
M.: Well, now what do you mean? You say that everyone makes dirty movies and then you say you don't. You're turning out to be an absolute PURITAN!
J.: I am. I am probably the most puritanical person in New York. Do you have a mirror over your bed?
M.: A mirror over my bed? I don't even have a bed.
J.: What do you mean you don't have a bed? Where do you sleep?
M.: On the floor. I have always slept on the floor.
J.: With your dog?
M.: No, he sleeps on the bed. Where else could you put a lovely dog like Alex.
J.: Why in the world would you sleep on the floor? Have you ever been to Japan?
M.: No I have never been to Japan. I sleep on the floor because I like to feel close to the ground.
J.: But if you sleep on the second floor you aren't any closer to the ground than in bed.
M.: Yes that's true except I sleep on the ground floor.
J.: Why don't you sleep on the ground?
M.: You have to sleep on something after all. You have to sleep on a carpet which I do.
J.: Oh, do you have oriental carpet? Wall to wall?
M.: Wall to wall carpets? They are so boring aren't they?
J.: Very tacky usually. So what kind of carpet do you have?
M.: Wall to wall.
J.: Shag I suppose... hmm.
M.: Shag? What is that?
J.: You know those real sleazy kind with loops two inches high.
M.: Oh no I hate that.
J.: You should get Astro Turf and then you could really feel close to the ground. What kind of records do you like?
M.: All round ones, including John Lennon, Alan Price, whom I like very much, he is a very talented recording artist. And I like Schubert. I love Schubert. I like Ray Charles and Randy Newman. Who do you like?
J.: Well I like a lot of things but you now who I really like. Ian Whitcomb.
M.: I don't know him. In fact I've never heard of him.
J.: Oohh no, what do you mean you've never heard of him. He is the one who did "You Really Turn Me On." You know... it goes... "now honey you know you really turn me on ohhnn."
M.: I think you have a very good chance, an extremely good chance of being an extraordinary recording artist. Does it have a tune? Well I think you'll go right to the top.
J.: What did you get for Christmas this year?
M.: Gee it seems so long ago.
J.: Yes, but you always get one really spectacular thing for Christmas, now what was it?
M.: I got, let me think, I got a red horse chestnut.
J.: Oh. That must have been wonderful for you.
M.: It is wonderful. It is a tree. And it was eight feet tall so I planted it in the garden and in about fifty years time it will look beautiful. Come on let's liven this thing up. Are you tired of me or is it just your cold?
J.: I have a very bad cold. How about some gossip.
M.: You know me, I don't live this kind of life of gossip mongering. I just don't.
J.: But don't you do anything scandalous?
M.: Often, but I mean that is so boring talking about oneself.
J.: Yes, but you could pretend that I had asked if it were true.
M.: Oh, but the thing about all of this, and doing any interview or doing anything in life is that it's never true.
J.: That's true. Do you have a lot of clothes?
M.: Why do you want some?
J.: No, I just noticed this closet and wondered if you had a walk-in closet.
M.: We don't have those in England.
J.: Do you have an electric toothbrush?
M.: No, do you?
J.: No I think they are awful.
M.: Me too, do you have a vibrator?
J.: Ha ha, no. I don't think they do any good. Do they? Do you have one?
M.: No, but I must get one.
J.: They must be real boring.
M.: How would you know if you don't have one?
J.: But I think they just go bzzzz.
M.: Well that sounds pretty good. To be able to keep up 200 times a second.
J.: Did you know that they come in white and black?
M.: Well why not?
J.: Do you think more white women buy black ones?
M.: Hmm, that would make a very interesting market research. Are the black ones bigger?
J.: No, but they all come in all sizes.
M.: Well, there goes another myth. Life is like that, full of surprises. So what are you going to do next week?
J.: Next week? Uhh, nothing.
M.: Nothing?
J.: Well, I'll try to watch Watergate on TV.
M.: Yeah, it's a good show. All the big stars are on next week.
J.: I told you that.
M.: So I'm telling you back.
J.: Do you ride?
M.: Of course I ride.
J.: Well, do you own horses?
M.: I don't ride horses, why do you?
J.: Of course.
M.: I thought you were a horsy woman. I thought "hello" she rides.
J.: How long do you think it will take you to lose your accent?
M.: What accent?
J.: You know, your London, British, English accent or whatever.
M.: You mean lose it, why?
J.: Don't you want to lose it?
M.: Why should I?
J. So you talk like everyone else.
M.: No, I'm afraid I am stuck with this. This is the only way I can talk.
© Andy Warhol's Interview 7/73
Archived 2001-08 Alex D. Thrawn for www.MalcolmMcDowell.net