to let go of your troubles. Ask your self if you can do anything about the things that you are worried about. If you can, then take action and quit obsessing about it. And if you can’t do anything about it, then try to let it go. If you keep it all in side, you well never feel better. I promise you, Mike, that loving someone is worth the risk. If you don’t take risks, you will never experience life. " This time it had been my mother talking to me. I had heard some of what she said, but I wasn’t ready to let go of my worries. They had become extremely comfortable. I wore them like a mask. Without them, I would have to face the world again.
I was being walked next door to Megan’s house. When we went inside her house, I remembered that every year on New Year’s Eve, they throw a party, and my family always attends. I had not realized that a week had passed since Christmas Eve.
My parents sat me down on a couch and went off to dance. My brother sat down next to me and tried to convince me to dance. But I didn’t feel like dancing. I didn’t even feel like breathing much less dancing. What I did feel like doing was crawling back into the cave that I had been living in for the last week. At least in my cave, I was safe. I might be scared in that cave, but I still felt safe. I wanted to be alone, to be left alone. I was not ready to rejoin the world.
I saw Megan. She was dancing with the blond that keeps reappearing in her life. It was a strange feeling to see her body pressed up against his. I was not jealous, I was relived. Rather her be dancing with a guy like him, then a guy like me. He could protect her, I would run at the slightest fear of anything happening to her.
I preferred to lose her to another guy, then to lose her because she died. Anything was better than the grief I would have felt if she had died. I was not sure if I was really afraid of death, it probably was more a fear of being out of control. A fear that no matter what I did or thought, bad things could still happen to those that I allowed myself to love. Someone once told me to value the time that I do have with a person rather than focusing all my energy on things that haven’t and may not happen. But, I was too scared to do that.
Megan looked over at me and for one second the smile disappeared off her face. Luckily for her, the blond guy turned her attention back to him.
Someone offered me a beer and I really wanted to take it, to escape my problems. Fortunately, my brother walked up and told them that I wasn’t old enough to drink. I thanked my brother. I could tell that he really did not understand what I was going through. I felt very alone.
I went back to the couch and sat down.
To my surprise, Megan came and sat down next to me. She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. "Everything is going to be all right, Mike."
"Thanks, Megan."
"I’ve missed you this past week."
"I am sorry."
"Is it okay that I am talking to you? Or do you want me to go back to Mr. Dull across the room?"
"It is okay for you talk to me. I would really like it if you would talk to me. I am just not ready to pick up where we last left off."
"You know Mike, I was once afraid to get attached to people. You were the one that told me that it is okay to put one’s self out on the line, to risk rejection, to hope for love."
"I know. Like people say ‘Do as I preach, not as I do.’"
"Then do as I preach. Talk to me. Tell me what bothers you."
"It bothers me that it is taking me so long to get past your seizure. I know that it wasn’t your fault. I was afraid of you dying. I didn’t know what was happening. I was afraid of losing you."
"But, Mike, you already lost me. You pushed me away."
"But you are alive. That is all that matters."
"Being alive is not all that maters, living life to it’s fullest is more important."
"I know, but it hurts. Being alive hurts."
"I know." She put her arms around me and held me.
I started to cry. I know guys aren’t supposed to cry, especially not in public, but I hadn’t been doing typical guy stuff this week.
"It is okay, Mike. Let it all out. I will protect you."
"But who will protect you?"
"Don’t worry about that."
"But I worry about everything."
"Don’t think, just relax. Close your eyes, my love." She placed her hand on my forehead a genteelly massaged the muscles in my head and shoulders. "What do you see?"
"Nothing. Just blackness."
"Look closer. There is a field of flowers up ahead. They are purple. There are pink ones too. And do see the fairies? They have beautiful wings. And the little pointed ears. Do you see the rainbow? Look for the rainbow. It has a pot of gold waiting for you. Go see what is inside the pot. Look closely, it is not gold in the pot, it is love. Love is the treasure. Love is what makes people happy. Love is not something to be afraid of. Don’t fear love. You wanted everything to be perfect. You couldn’t think of anything that would go wrong. And something unexpected happened. So what? So, you will have to lower your expectations. You will have to stop thinking that I am perfect. You will have to paint the world in it’s true shape. Not everything is beautiful. So what? So you will have to try and make the world a happy place and not contribute to the pain and ugliness of the world."
I fell asleep when she stopped talking. I had not slept much in the last week. While I was sleeping in her lap, I had a dream. I dreamed that Megan was having a seizure. This time I did not scream, I did not run away. Instead, I was calm and held her and told her that everything was going to be okay. When the seizure was over and she was aware of her surroundings I told her that I was sorry that I had been such a jerk.
I woke up and Megan was still holding me. I looked up at her and it was as if I had been blind all night and had just regained my sight. She was beautiful. There were beautiful tears in the corners of her eyes, and she was smiling down at me. She continued to hold me.
At five minutes till midnight we were still sitting on the couch holding each other. She made me stand up. She went to a table and came back with two glasses of champagne. "Don’t worry, they are nonalcoholic."
At midnight we made a toast.
"Mike?"
"Yes, Megan?"
"Can I kiss you?"
"Yeah."
She placed her arms around me and kissed me. The kiss was not the most romantic kiss, not like at the movie, but it was a kiss that I was very comfortable with. I was not ready to do anything more than that kiss, but I had a feeling that I would someday be able to kiss her again without worrying.
Her arms were around me. She started feeling towards my pockets. She pulled out a small gift box. "What is this?"
"Oh, that. I had completely forgotten about that. It was your Christmas gift."
"Do I have to wait till next year to open it?"
"No. You can open it now, it can be a New Year’s present."
She opened the box and her eyes lighted up as she looked at the blue heart shaped necklace. "Is it real?"
"The idea behind it is real. The rocks aren’t."
"I love it. Thank you."
"You deserve it."
"Did you open the gift that I gave you?"