Internal Violence
Today I saw a package lying on my dresser. I had seen it before, but this time I slowly opened the
card that was attached to it. On the card was a poem:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The strength to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I took the card and pinned it on the wall by my bed. I then reopened the gift. Inside the little box
was a even smaller rock. On it was a hand painted a portrait of a girl and the inscription "Love,
Megan."
I always wanted to be a "nice guy", the type who doesn’t break the girls heart, the type who doesn’t break up with the girl over trivial. I’m not sure if I can still be that guy. I know that it is going to be hard but my heart is starting to race at the thought of Megan being in town for Christmas vacation, and that our paths might are destined to cross under better conditions. I know that she has probably changed a lot but then again so have I. I placed the stone under my pillow and tried to go to sleep, but couldn’t stop thinking about last Christmas and how Megan and I had decided let time and fate decide our future.
Last Christmas my next-door neighbors asked me to pick up their daughter at the airport. I was excited about this task because I had not seen Megan since she left for college three years ago.
I had just graduated from high school a few months before, and was trying to decide on an art school to attend in the spring.
The last time I saw her was the night before she was to leave. I had stayed up extra late that night with my eyes glued to her bedroom window. That snowy night, I saw Megan standing in front of her window staring at me as she undid the buttons on her shirt. As she began to remove her undergarments, she slammed shut the blinds, leaving me with the beginning of a crush.
As Children we had been as pretty close. We would shyly chase each other with the water hose. Or we would meet at the neighborhood pool. But that was when we were young. Upon reaching
adolescents she abandoned me to go play with the older boys. Needless to say, at the age of ten, I did not know what I was missing.
I was thinking of this incident when my eyes were distracted by the most beautiful sight in the world. I saw Megan coming towards me, wearing a tight little forest green dress. She stopped
right in front of me and dropped her suitcases.
"Mike, so glad to see you, now give your old pal a hug," she said this as she wrapped her silky arms around me. She smiled and started gathering up the luggage that she had dropped at our feet.
"Aren’t you going to help me with all this?" Out of courtesy and in order to hide my look of complete admiration, I started picking up her bags.
The next day our families got together to go ice skating. On the long drive to the lake, Megan rattled on and on about college this and college that, but not once did she look at me or give me
any sign that she liked me. When we finally arrived at the rink, she slid gracefully out of the back seat of my parents mini van, and ran off to the concession stand where she was meeting some of
her friends from high school.
I skated as fast and as strong as I could, not only to impress Megan, but to try to forget that she was skating with a tall guy with blue eyes. He was the type that girls swoon to, the stupid,
handsome type.
I had dark brown hair, long legs, not too skinny, and a smile that usually got me my way. The last time I had seen Megan, I had been a pimple-faced, skinny little boy, but over the years I had
grown out of my awkward stage.
The truth is that I had been secretly in love with Megan ever since she left for UCLA. I had never told anyone this, I was afraid of the practical logic that people would tell me, like the fact that she was three years older than me.
So here I was the winter after high school graduation, looking at the prettiest girl in the world, and all I could think was that I needed a drink. My mouth was so dry that I was sure any attempt at speaking would end in disaster. I walked over to the oncession stand and pointed toward the coke machine. I quickly paid for my coke and walked over to an empty table. Moments before I arrived there, Megan and the blond guy grabbed the table that I had picked out. I gathered up all my guts and asked if I could join them. Megan said it was okay. As I was sitting down, John
started putting his hands all over Megan, and she didn’t even try to stop him. I felt so betrayed.
As if things couldn’t get any worse, John knocked over my coke and it spilled onto my lap. I was so embarrassed that I ran to the restroom and tried to soak the coke out of my pants with paper towels. I did not know what to do. I decided that the best thing that I could do was wait for them to dry. So I waited and waited, until I was so ashamed and bored that I started to count the stupid things that I had done that day. 1. Thought that Megan might like me. 2. Thought that Megan liked smart guys. 3. Thought that I was cool enough to sit with Megan. 4. Thought that she would ever look at me as more than the boy next door. 5. Came ice skating. 6. Spilled coke all over myself. 7. Hide in a bathroom.
With my pants dry and my self esteem drenched with negativity, I left the bathroom and slowly walked over to the table where my parents were sitting.
Just as I thought I was over the embarrassing thing that had just happened to me, Megan skated up to the table and leaned down towards me. To my surprise she said "Did you have an accident,
little boy Mike?" My ears and face turned bright red and my mouth dried up. Her question left me speechless. Luckily, she left us and skated back to the group of girls she had been talking to
earlier.
I guess I was lucky that only the girl I loved knew about the spilled coke, but when it came right down to it, she is the last person I would want to know about what happened.
As if I wasn’t confused enough, Megan decided to come over to my house the next day while I was watching T.V. My hair was a mess and I had just woken up. I stared up at Megan, wearing my most embarrassing pajamas, the ones with the Christmas teddy bears on them.
She sat down on the couch beside me. "What happened to your hair, by the way I brought you something," she said as she went and got a painting from the hall . She walked it across the room
and then gently put it against the glass doors of the fireplace. Then she slowly turned her eyes towards me and then walked out of the room.
This is probably unbelievable, but the painting was a portrait of me. I could see my own blue eyes staring at me. In the painting I was wearing the same sweater that I had worn to go ice skating. I
was sitting at a wooden table. It was a beautiful painting except for one thing. In my right hand was a can of coke, slightly tilted, so that I could see a stream of coke pouring onto my pants. To make things worse, she had captured the actual look that I had worn on my face as the cold liquid had landed on my lap.
"Mike?" I was shocked by the sound of Megan’s voice, she hard returned from where ever she had wandered off to, probably from the kitchen where my mother was baking cookies.
"Yeah?" I pushed the words out of my throat.
"What do you think of it?"
"I love the painting, but I hate the content," I tried to hide the tears that were surfacing.
"I thought that you would say that" she smiled.
"Your style is amazing."
"I love the variation of line."
"Okay, that is enough flattery for one day."
"Thanks. Can I see some of your art?" she asked me. I could tell that she had enjoyed being told how much I liked her art. I was shocked when she asked if I had drawn anything since she eft.
"Of course, our days of drawing on the sidewalk together were not wasted." This was no lie. I had been drawing ever since I learned to hold a pencil. It had started off as a hobby, but by the time I was in High School people thought that I could actually "go somewhere" with my art. Mostly I drew pictures of Megan, the younger Megan, who I had known as a kid. Mostly I used my
imagination for those pictures. But, I was not about to show her the pictures of her that I had drawn. I had a few drawings left from my high school portfolio. Some where just practice
drawings, like perspective and shading and other boring tasks. But others were of how I viewedthe world, of how I thought the world ought to look. In my pictures, everyone is happy, and
everything is beautiful. There is no trash depicted in my art, nor is there any perversions of what is held to be pure and innocent.
"Can I see some?" she asked me, pulling me out of my art world back into reality.
"Sure, let me got get some."
She followed me to my room and entered before I could stop her. She slowly looked around and then sat down on my bed. She reached down to pick something off my floor.
"Is this one of your art magazines?" she was holding a worn out copy of Playboy.
"Uh, that isn’t mine" I looked at the floor, hoping that she wouldn’t notice how red my face was.
"How about this, is she your nude model?" This time she was holding up something more embarrassing that my Playboy magazine. She was holding Snuffy, my teddy bear. I know that I
was too old for such things, but when you have been with a stuffed animal as long as I had, you can’t get rid of it.
"Oh you mean Snuffy? Yeah, she poses when she has the time. But with all her night jobs at the strip bars, she hardly ever has time." Good save Mike, was all I could think. At least she doesn’t think you sleep with it, better for her to think you are a pervert. Sometime I can come up with pretty strange logic.
Even though I was acting pretty silly, she still smiled at me. "So where is this notorious artwork of yours?" I handed her a stack of papers. She looked through all of it quickly and then said that she had to leave. Then I was left alone with a stack of rejected art and a low self-esteem. I normally didn’t show my art to people because I was afraid of rejection. Seems like sometimes fear is not the only thing to fear.
I spent the next day wondering how I could have ever liked Megan enough to open myself enough to like her. I decided that the best cure for art ache was to go to "Dave’s Sunday Shop" and have
my self a triple chocolate Sunday with whipped cream.
After repeatedly convincing my car that we were going somewhere, I finally made my way through the shopping center parking lot.
I was about to pull into a space right in front of the ice cream shop but a small red BMW sports car, beat me to the spot. I watched long enough to see that blond guy, from the ice skating rink, get out of the car. I pulled away towards a far away parking space. I could feel the urge to cuss tickling my tongue.
After the thirty minutes of driving to the ice cream shop, I finally walked through the doors. I ordered my ice cream and sat down to wait for it. I was drifting off into my thoughts when I heard a familiar laugh. I turned around and there was Megan sitting too close to the BMW blond guy. My feelings were crushed. She had left me to go slobber all over that obnoxious guy.
When my ice cream was ready, I silently took it and snuck out the door before Megan or the boy saw me. I was 18 years old, and still didn’t know how to pursue a girl. What type of loser am I?
My older brother Owen arrived at our house late the next night. My parents had gone to sleep already, and I was lazily watching late night TV.
"Hey Buddy, how’s it going." I was great to see my brother again. As children we were fairly close.
"Could be better," I replied.
"Why is that?"
"Because I am 18 years old and I don’t know how to pursue a girl." I felt that it was safe to tell my brother this because he too had been slow to start dating.
"I wish I could help you, but to be honest, I am not sure if anyone knows how to do that." Then he smiled and said "but I could teach you what I do know."
"That would be so great."
"Well… First, you have to show that you are interested."
"How?"
"Easy things like smiling when you see a girl, or leaning in close when they talk. And looking your best, always make sure to take a shower when there is a chance of meeting a classy girl. And always brush your teeth after eating. And if you wear cologne don not wear much, it makes girls sick."
"What about the actual pursuit?"
"Well that is the hard part. First you have to get a few seconds alone with the girl. It has to be enough time for you to take a few deep calming breathes. Then you gather up all your guts and
before you lose your nerves, you blurt out ‘Would you like to go out on a date’. You don’t even have to call it a date, you could ask if she would want to go to a movie or to get an ice cream
cone. When it boils right down to it though, all of those things are considered a date."
"What if she says no?"
" Then you move on to the next girl. Like I always say, there are more fish in the sea."
"What if she says she doesn’t know?"
"Then you give her your phone number and tell her to call you when she decides. Most likely she will give you her phone number too, that way you will not need an excuse for calling her later.
Now, if she doesn’t call in the next few days, you have to gather up all your guts again and call her."
"What do I say on the phone?"
"You sure are full of questions Mike. You ask her if she has decided yet and if she says yes the you solidify your plans. If she says no then you take the easy way out and say ‘well I am sorry to bother you, bye.’ Hopefully you would not have to do that."
"Where do I take her?"
"Anywhere to eat that is not Italian food. Girls are really nervous when it comes to eating Italian food in front of guys, especially spaghetti. Another reason not to is garlic kind of ruins the good bye kiss."
"The what?"
"You know, the kiss, when she says she had a nice time, and you lean over and kiss her. Don’t tell me that you have never been kissed."
"Okay I won’t tell you then. But let us pretend that I have not kissed a girl. How would I do that."
"Well, Mike that is something you are going to have to figure out on your own. Every kiss is different. One piece of advice, for the first kiss, keep your tongue in your own mouth and you lips
closed. Maybe you should start off with a kiss on the cheek."
"Thanks Owen, you have been a lot of help."
"One more thing Mike. Good luck."
"Thanks, I will need it." I walked off towards my room. I lied down on my bed and spent the remainder of the night obsessing over what Owen had told me."
The next day, I gathered up all my nerves and I called Megan.
"Hello, is Megan there?" Her mother had answered the phone.
"No, she is out with Bob. Can I take a message?"
You could tell her that I am in love with her. "I will call back later. When might she be home?"
"Honey, I can’t tell for sure, she keeps strange hours. Try back at nine tonight."
"Okay, bye."
"Bye."
I wandered into my office. Which is really the only room with a lock, primarily because it is the bathroom. I sat on the side of the bath tube and began to doubt my feelings toward Megan. If this was fate wouldn’t it be a lot easier? Wouldn’t she be as eager to see me as I am to see her? Why is dating so hard?
At nine I called Megan. "Hello, is Megan there?"
"This is she."
"Hey, Megan this is Mike, I was wondering…. Maybe if you aren’t busy…. That you might want to go to the movies with me."
"Okay. When?"
"Really? You will?" my heart was racing, my palms sweating, and my throat began to close up.
"Sure. Why not? What time?"
"Tomorrow at 7 if that is okay with you."
"Okay. See you then, bye."
"Bye," it was only then that I realized that I hadn’t even told her which movie we were to see. I had chosen a new James Bond flick.
The day of the big date was the eve of Christmas Eve. I woke up late and ate lunch. Then at five o’clock I started to get ready to take Megan to the movies. I wanted to look perfect. So I put on a forest green silk shirt and a burgundy tie, with khaki pants. I even brushed my teeth two times, just in case I got lucky and received a kiss.
At 6:50 I was finally ready. I rang the door bell. Megan’s mother opened it and let me in. Megan
came down the stairs and my mouth dropped open. She responded with a wink in my direction. On this occasion she was wearing a mid-thigh length black skirt and a tight white blouse. Her
blond hair was pulled slightly up, giving it that sexy just got out of bed look. And to top it all off I could smell vanilla coming from all over her body.
We didn’t say much on the way to the theater. I tried to look at the road, rather than at her perfect legs. If I had to choose something to look at for hours I could definitely imagine starring at her legs.
At the movies, I bought a large bucket of popcorn and a large drink, hoping that are hands might touch, if we both reach for the popcorn at the same time. But, after I bought it, Megan bought a small popcorn and a small drink. Needless to say, I was devastated.
We walked into the dark theater and sat down in a middle row, I had hoped we would sit at the back so that no one would notice my clumsy advances.
We walked into the dark theater and sat down in a middle row. The movie started and I slowly placed my right arm around her shoulders. To my surprise, she allowed herself to move the
contours of her body closer to mine. I decided to play it safe and gently rub her arm with my hand, rather than try to reach any metaphoric baseball bases.
"Hey, Mike, have you ever kissed a girl?" she whispered this in the middle of a very steamy scene in the movie.
"You mean besides kissing my mother?"
"Yeah. Have you ever kissed a girl?"
"Once in a school play I had to play prince charming. Does that count?"
"Was it anything like this?" She turned towards me and placed her lips on my mine. They were very soft and sweet tasting. She slowly moved my lips to the same rhythm as her lips. Then, she
slowly let her tongue trace the outline of my lips, and as if it had a mind of it’s own, her tongue entered my mouth. She searched for my tongue and upon finding it, she convinced it to join hers in a forbidden dance. I had never felt like this before, and was sure that if I stood up that my knees wouldn’t work.
She removed her lips and backed away from me. "So was it?"
"What?"
"Was that how the kiss in the play was?"
"Uh, no. Definitely not."
"So did you like it? she asked."
"A whole lot. I really liked that."
After the movies, I drove her home. I made the mistake of telling her, "You are the only girl I have ever loved."
"Mike, you barely know me." As she began to speak I realized that I was moving to fast.
"It doesn’t matter. I have loved you since I was young. I want to be with you forever."
Megan pulled me towards her, and her lips were suddenly pressed towards mine and I felt like I had found the elixir of life. "That is so you won’t forget me." She smiled and walked into the house. I was so blinded by my first taste of love, that I didn’t see how much joy Megan was getting from having me a virgin fall madly in love with her.
I stood on the porch for a few seconds, contemplating the events of the night. Not only had a I received my first kiss, but I had a feeling that by this time the next day, I would be in my first
relationship. The idea of being in a relationship not only scared me, but also excited me.
I slept late the next morning, and woke up around lunch time. I decided that I ought to get up and answer all the questions that I my family had probably planned to ask me about my big date.
I walked into the kitchen and to my surprise no one was home. I saw that there was a note on the table. It was in my mother’s hand writing. Mark, Since you were being such a sleepy head this
morning, we decided to let you continue sleeping. We have gone to the Christmas tree lot to pick out the new tree. We will be decorating it tonight, so don’t wander off. Don’t forget that today is Christmas Eve. The family has planned many things to do tonight. I left you a sandwich in the refrigerator, don’t fill up on chips. Love, Mother. I was a little disappointed that no one in my family had been impatiently waiting to find out about my date. I guess life goes on for everyone else, even though I feel like I am in a purgatory of waiting for Megan’s answer as to whether she and I can exist in the word "we" or "us" or even in the sense of "Megan and I". It is scary when you realize that you are halfway to singing that childish song; Megan and Mike sitting in a tree, k-I-s-s-I-n-g, first comes love, then comes Mike pushing the baby carriage. My thoughts get pretty silly sometimes, I usually try to ignore them.
I ate my sandwich and went back to my room. I turned on my television but there was nothing good on.
I called Megan’s mother to make sure that they were going to join us for our traditional Christmas party that night.
"Thank you, Mike. Did your mother forget to tell you that we won’t be coming this year? We would love to but Fred’s job is requiring us to go to the factories Christmas party."
"I’m sorry to hear that," I paused and then asked what I really wanted to know, "Will Megan still be coming?"
"Of course dear, it is all she has been talking about today."
"That’s good," I whispered.
"Well, I will send her over later. It was nice hearing from you Mike, we sure don’t see you as much now that you kids are all grown up."
"Same here. Bye," I had to stop myself from saying that I hoped to see her all the time, or at least see Megan all the time.
"Bye."
I realized that I had just invited Megan over for Christmas Eve, and that I didn’t have a gift for her. I wasn’t sure if she would have a gift for me, but I wanted to make sure that in case she did, I would have one too.
I drove to the only store open on Christmas Eve, our local Walmart . I really wanted to get Megan something nice that she would love me for, but I wasn’t sure if that was appropriate considering that we were even dating. I went over to the jewelry department and started looking at all the fancy rings. Then my eye caught sight of a blue gem. It was in the shape of a heart. And it had a silver chain and fake diamonds around it. To my surprise, it only cost $29.95. I decided that this necklace was definitely what I wanted to get for Megan. I paid for it and they placed it in a little gift box.
I hoped that Megan wouldn’t think that I had already gone out and bought an engagement ring. I was in love with her, but I wasn’t that stupid.
I drove home and found my family struggling with the new tree. I helped them pull it inside the house.
My brother was the first to say anything about my date. "So did you get lucky?"
"Sure didn’t." I couldn’t keep a silly grin from appearing on my face.
"Little brother, I felt same way when Megan kissed me the first time."
"What Megan kissed YOU?"
"Sure thing, little brother, she was my first kiss, back in junior high. She was also my first at other things too." For the first time since I was younger, I wanted to knock that smile off my brother’s face. "But don’t worry little brother, I am sure that the girl who you kissed, won’t break your heart like Megan broke mine."
"Only one slight problem with that, Megan is my first kiss, last night. Didn’t I tell you that I was going out on a date with her?"
"You sure didn’t! Sorry, little brother, I didn’t know it was her."
"Owen, it is okay, My kiss with her is going to turn into something special, you will see tonight, she has changed."
"I hope so."
That night Megan arrived wearing a pink slip dress. It ighlighted her curves in the best places.
My mother got up and initiated the decorating of the tree. Megan followed my mother to the tree and I snuck up behind her and whispered into her ear "You look beautiful."
"Oh, this old dress, it is nothing."
"You may call it nothing, but I call it something."
"Oh, yeah? What do you call it?"
"Spectacular."
I pulled out the small gift box from my jacket. And placed it in her hand. "Merry Christmas."
"Mike, it isn’t even Christmas yet. I can’t open it now. I’ll hold onto it till tomorrow." I was a little bit disappointed by her lack of enthusiasm as she put the gift back in her purse.
My mother had started passing out eggnog. I took a glass for myself and gave another to Megan.
Before, I knew what was happening, Megan dropped her cup. Megan was on the floor shaking and moaning. I began screaming, I did not know what to do. My mother came towards us, and knew exactly what to do. I stood there in stupidity as my mother held Megan and comforted her.
I don’t remember too much more of what happened. My emotions were out of control. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her lying there moaning, and I heard my own voice screaming. I was so
scared, I didn’t know what was happening, I thought that she was dying. It was the scariest thing that I had ever felt or seen. I was so scared of the thought that I would never see her again.
Later My mother told me that Megan was epileptic. I had trouble hearing my mother, the worries and fears in my head kept getting louder. What would I have done if she had died?. I couldn’t
handle it. What if she has another seizure? What if next time we are all alone, and I don’t know what to do. What if she hates me for not helping her? What if it hadn’t been a seizure? What if she had been dying? What if we have kids and they have seizures? What if I have one? What if I caused her to have one?
No matter what, I couldn’t escape my thoughts and fears. I was so scared. Not only was I scared of everything that had just happened, I was scared of things that could happen, every bad thing that might happen. I felt so out of control. I was not sure if I could allow myself to continue falling in love with Megan. To do such a thing was to open up myself to getting hurt. To love was to risk everything. I wasn’t sure that I could ever handle losing her.
I was scared because I knew that the longer I waited the harder it would be for me to see Megan. I was also scared because I knew that I was not over what had happened. I knew that two days
before, I had thought that I was in love with her, but now I felt empty of all emotions, except fear.
The next day was Christmas. I went through the actions of nwrapping gifts, but my heart and mind were lost in self pity. To tell you the truth, I don’t remember that day. I felt empty of all emotions, except fear. There had been times in my life that I had shut down emotionally. I have always had a hard time dealing with things. Never before had I closed myself off to others so
tightly. I had always despised guys who claimed that they felt nothing, and here I was 18 and already deciding that I would never love again. I now understood why some people refused to get
attached, refused to love, refused to lose something they care about, because to love is to remember that we all must die. Memento Mori!
At three that afternoon, Megan came over. She looked like nothing had happened. "About last night, I am sorry. I should have told you that I am epileptic. I am sorry that I scared you."
I didn’t know what to say. Nor did I know what to do when she tried to kiss me.
"I can’t kiss you right now." I didn’t know why I no longer felt like kissing her, but I was sure that I couldn’t kiss her.
"Is this about what happened last night."
"I don’t know… I mean… yes… I mean, I don’t know."
"Well, it is my problem not yours, so you can either get over it and be with me or you can sit here by yourself and sulk. Either way, I am not going to feel guilty for something that wasn’t my fault."
"I am sorry Megan. I am scared. I thought that you were dying. I don’t know how to move on, give me some time. I am so sorry that I can’t handle it right now."
"What is there to handle? Like I said Mike, get over it."
"I can’t, not yet. It doesn’t have much to do with you anymore. It has to do with the fears that were released in me last night. I know I am selfish, and I am sorry."
"Well, I am sorry too. Here is your gift. Maybe it will help you sort out your messed up priorities. When you do get them sorted out, I can guarantee you that it will be too late."
She laid the gift beside me and walked out. I let her go, I didn’t even get up to stop her. I couldn’t move, or think. It didn’t even bother me that she left. It was a relief in some ways. If she was with someone else then I wouldn’t feel like I was responsible for her. If she wasn’t around, I could pretend like everything was okay.
I didn’t even open her gift. I put it on my dresser and forgot all about it. I turned on my TV and tried to forget everything that I knew. One of my friends from high school used to think that you could erase parts for your brain by watching TV because it doesn’t require thought. I watched some cartoons and some talk shows.
Six days later, my parents dragged me out of bed, where I had been lying since I went over toMegan’s house. My brother put me in the shower and left me there for a while. I thought that I might drown in it, but he came back and got me out. I felt numb. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like
my heart was beating a thousand beats per minute.
I heard my brother’s voice telling me to put on my nice suit. I did as he told, I didn’t even think to question. For the last few days, my fears had completely taken over all of my thoughts.
I felt a little bit better when my family took me outside. My lungs filled with cold air, and I almost gagged. This physical response was the first that I had felt in days, it almost reminded me that I was still alive.
"Mike, you have been acting like you are dead." My brother was talking to me.
"Your being selfish. It is time for you c