Subject:
Chats, Reality and Why You Do That Thing You Do
Date:
Sun, 21 Mar 1999 09:04:09 PST






Sherry K,

Top of the morning to ya! Or should I say mid-o-the-morn as the sun has 
climbed high in the sky as I allow myself out and on as it were. And I 
think of you snow-bunny"ing" down the slopes, wind in your hair, feet all 
a~glide and the energy so coursing thru you, alive! Yes, and there goes 
the little smile, my little smile, the one that would blossom forth 
from 
Mona Lisa style into the Bozo the Clown imitation.

Onto the chat discussion. I do know what you mean and appreciate it 
also, that about the boards being the modern day's dens of inequity. 
The 
rabble roused masses, yearning to connect and slip-sliding their way 
invariably into that of furtive whispers, clandestine meetings and 
silly 
little exercises in punching the keys to create a sense of self. And my 
how odd they are too at times. So very, very literal and confined 
within 
a structure of unknowing, unwilling, impaired illiteracy. 

Yet the chats do have quite the allure. The glimmer of wit that 
occasionally shines through that drives us on seeking it more and more. 
Hoping to see and read the language that is not just the word itself 
but 
the ability to express whole feelings in very short bursts. That can 
share thoughts and ideas thru the preciseness of their words. And with 
a 
single word convey a telling barb or outrageous observation. Creative 
intelligence that leaps the medium of chat and delivers itself unto 
your 
consciousness so quickly that your fingers cannot keep up with the 
thoughts that flow forth. I refer to it as stream of consciousness, 
akin 
to the work of Hunter S. Thompson.

Yes, a stream of consciousness personified is what we have shared. And 
the amazing thing is in the sharing. The synchronicity of thoughts that 
we have shared as they flowed through and beyond. It is a most heady 
experience and one that I have found seldom though small rushes occur 
occasionally. 

That for me is the thrill of chats. And why I come back, time after 
time. Desperately seeking the release, the rhetorical orgasm of 
achieved 
in interacting with another twisted, weirdo mind. And you, my dear are 
quite the neat twist!

I do not go for the PM usually either, spurning requests with the 
Ignore 
button usually as for me, the meat is in the open. The reason I am 
there 
is not to make friends so much as to dance the dance and create that 
sense of flowing and entwined consciousness. For myself too as it is my 
own selfish interests that come first. And so yes, you did sense right 
that I do not usually engage in the PM on the level that others do but 
I 
do engage at times. And it is usually to share in deeper thoughts and 
buffoonery with a select few. Some of them are those that can sense an 
underlying excitement in what is going on but aren't sure what it is. 
They long for the answer to the puzzle and are challenged and sometimes 
make nice acquaintances but usually not. They are seeking affinity with 
the sun, the brightness and are so much like moths to a flame. At the 
low end of that range of folks would be our friend, the militant one. 

Then there are the mistakes I make. The accepted PM that turns into a 
Looking for Mister Goodbar and totally dulled out to what I am doing on 
the board. And my, how at times they can play on my empathy and 
compassion. Not to host their seedy little cyber encounters but to give 
a willing ear and a "there, there, you poor dear" pat of encouragement. 
And how I wish they could get their act together rather than use the 
chats as giant group therapy session. And again, our friend dwells in 
this hell and has shared it with others.

And last are those who dance the dance. You and I and a few others who 
can frolic and cavort, weaving in and out. They cut up, pool their 
thoughts, give, take and generally carry on and are as you say, beyond 
it. And my oh my, how fun they are. But usually we realize down deep 
that we are just horsing around. And as a rule we do not open ourselves 
to PM'ing' as the cliche' is usually so true. That PM'ing' is nothing more 
than a forum for cybersexual encounters, boring melodramatics or slower 
spoonfed dollops for the weak-minded and infirm. 

My, how I do ramble at times. Onto the reality as it were. I suppose 
this has all been to describing my reality. To sharing what I am doing 
on there myself. And also to what and why I get on the boards. Now I 
need to make it clear that within this little reality of mine where you 
are. Which will lead me naturally into the the thing you do. Which was 
the intent when I wrote the subject title of this email before I 
started. It is simply amazing to me that what I wrote so succinctly as 
a 
title for this missive is taking on the proportions of War and Peace in 
the body. 

I think you realize a connection also so I will try not to belabor the 
point. For me a connection that holds the possibilities without limits 
and races to the horizon. And comes rushing back again to smile and 
wink 
at me, thrilling me to no end. And a fear too though. A fear that my 
rushing, my forwardness and unbridled enthusiasm will burn itself out. 
And not wanting that to happen. Not wanting to spend myself before I 
start, before we start and still wanting to let out this beast within. 
And so my reality unfolds. 

How I begin to long for the special one. To know her and feel her. To 
see her smile and share her grace. To know the quiet and relish in it 
within the comfort of her presence. And yes, to share the wink and nod 
of knowing glances and mutual thoughts known without saying. I open 
myself up to the possibilities and impatiently await the fulfillment or 
the withdrawal. Knowing that one or the other will mark the passage and 
the encounter. Fearing less the opportunity for fulfillment and 
dreading 
more the likelihood of withdrawal. But into that breech I must go 
without the parachute. Hoping and dreaming and amusing myself with the 
chance that this might be the one. The true one, the real one.

And then you are there. And I am open. Slowly seeking the words to 
express myself of my desire. 

Abruptly my feet find the earth again. I think there may be some good 
in 
the differences of time and place we find ourselves subjected to here. 
For surely it would be too easy to seek you out, showering you with 
goofy Hallmark cards and phone calls asking you to share the glorious 
sunset. Which would be nice, I think. 

Ahhh, Sherry, this note has gone way too long. At times rambling and 
probably incoherent to all but a choice few but with you I sense that 
you feel what I mean. That there are amazing possibilities and exciting 
challenges. At least I hope you do. I cannot open up to someone as 
easily as I have with you if there is not that feeling within me. And I 
am doing my best not to let it all out. To ration it slowly and 
methodically, savoring it as it flows and thinking it could be more. So 
very much more. Only time will tell.

So much to say and so little time to say it in, I am,
Sincerely and Hopefully,
Greg