I used to love Christmas as a kid, running down the stairs on Christmas morning and tearing through all the presents under the tree. Life is easy when you’re a child, everything is seen through eyes still untouched by the harshness of the real world. A child has an innocence about them that is lost to the jaded adult world. I crave for that innocence now, I’ve wished so many times in the last 6 years to just be a kid again. To see everything through that un-jaded un-cynical way that only a child can. But I can’t, I lost my innocence at a much younger age than most people. And I can’t help but be resentful of that. And I also can’t help but feel a bit guilty for ripping that away from my friends. Because the minute they stepped into my world, my dark despairing world, I knew it was only a matter of time before that innocence was lost. But one thing, one person has always made me question my theory that all adults are jaded and cynical.

Willow. She has always amazed me. 6 years ago she chose to walk the dark path with me, just like Xander. She always remained the same cheery, happy go lucky, every cloud has a silver lining, girl that I met at the water fountain that first day at Sunnydale High. In all the years I’ve known her she’s always been the soul of the Scoobies, she’s always helped us to see the positive in everything. Maybe that’s why I clung so tightly to our friendship all these years. She’s the light to my dark. And I know without a doubt that if she had not been by my side through all the battles I’ve faced that the darkness would have consumed me long ago.

Dracula said that my Slayer powers were rooted in darkness, and even though I denied it out loud, internally I knew that he was right. Because I can feel the power in me all the time. I can feel the conflict of light and dark screaming through my blood. And it scared me to know that I could go either way in the war I had been fighting. Willow has kept me grounded though, she made the choice so easy for me. All I had to do was look at her smile, the twinkle in her gorgeous emerald eyes and I wouldn’t even question myself anymore. I thanked God all the time for Willow being the person she is, despite having a vampire slayer for a best friend. Knowing me didn’t rip away her innocence like I was so sure it would, like it subtly did to Xander.

But I knew it would only be a matter of time before something so terrible happened that Will would have that sweet, gentle childlike quality that I loved about her, stolen away. I was scared to see that day, scared for her, but even more scared for myself. Because I was so afraid I’d lose my best friend. Finally that day did come, and I was right, I did lose her, I can feel that now. She had that innocence stripped away and I’m the one responsible.

Since I’ve been back in the land of the living the gang has come to me one by one and told me about what happened after I leapt off that tower. Dawn was the first to approach me about it. Leave it to my kid sister to be the first one to talk to me about my death. She always was quite the blunt little thing. I was a little bit surprised though that thing she talked most about was Willow. In fact all of them, one by one, came to me about Willow and what happened after my little header into the great beyond.

Dawn told me how Willow had rushed over to my body a few moments after it fell and tried to perform CPR on me. How Giles and Tara tried to pull her away from me, insisting there was nothing she could do, I was gone. Dawn told me that Willow practically growled at Tara when she tried to comfort the distraught redhead. Apparently Willow sat there for almost an hour pumping my chest and trying to make my empty lungs breathe. Finally she ended up passing out from exhaustion and Spike carried her home. When Dawn had related what happened in the hours after I died I had been filled with a tremendous feeling of guilt. Because in that moment I knew I had been the one that had stripped Willow’s innocence away. I took her best friend away from her, she had to watch me die. I try not to believe that it’s my ego talking when I think like that, because I know that if I hadn’t been the Slayer, and I had to watch Willow perish, it would have done the exact same thing to me.

A few days after Dawn and I had out little chat, Xander came to me with a story of his own. Again I was surprised when he seemed to focus on Willow.

After they had laid me to rest everyone went back to Giles apartment to try and settle down. Everyone except Willow, she stayed behind at my gravesite. Xander told me how he tried to convince her to come back to Giles’ but she would hear nothing of it. In fact he said that it was like she wasn’t even aware of his presence, she just kept staring at the headstone, tracing the letters of my name with the tips of her fingers. He had finally left her alone when Tara insisted she could take care of herself, that she just needed time to say goodbye to me. But when she didn’t come back by dark he had gone back to get her. Xander found her curled up against the marker, gently sobbing as she shallowly slept. He had scooped her up and carried her back to Giles house and tucked her into his bed. He told me the whole way home she kept murmuring my name and saying she was so sorry. I remember Xander looked near tears as he told me how devastated our best friend had been.

I was most surprised though when almost two weeks later Tara came to me. Out of all of us I had known her the least amount of time, and even though I really liked the girl, I was a little shocked when she wanted to tell me her own tale. I wasn’t surprised however when she told me it was about Willow. It was becoming a theme and I hated it, because I’ve always been loathe to cause Will any pain. And the stories they were relating to me were just downright awful to for me to listen to. But Tara’s story didn’t make me sad, it filled me with so much pride and love that for a moment I forgot how miserable I’ve been seen returning to the moral world. Tara actually seemed rather proud herself as she told me how Willow had taken charge of everything after my passing. She put aside her grief a few weeks after the final battle with Glory and stepped into my leadership role. She fixed the ’Me’ Bot so Sunnydale wouldn’t be left completely unprotected. That was my Will, always thinking of other people before herself. I was glad to know that my death hadn’t changed her completely. Tara also told me how insistent Willow had been that they move into my house to take care of Dawn. Willow had kept saying that she needed to make sure that Dawn would be ok, she had to at least do that for me, I would have wanted her to take care of my little sister. She knew I died to protect Dawn and Willow was determined to make sure it wasn’t in vain.

What Willow didn’t know and what I didn’t exactly offer up to Tara, was that I didn’t just die for Dawn, I did it for all of them. If I wouldn’t have jumped into that portal we all would have been killed. And I wasn’t about to watch all my friends die when there was something I could do to stop it. If I would have let Dawn jump it would have destroyed me. I know I would have given up and turned to the dark side and, for once, Willow would have been powerless to stop it. And I knew I would have dragged them all down with me.

As I sit here with a cup of cocoa in my hand, watching the lights flicker on the Christmas tree, thinking of the stories my friends have told me about Willow, I feel more despair than I thought possible. I’ve been in such a dark place since I’ve been back. And I think the only way I knew how to deal with that was to turn to Spike. To turn to something equally as dark as I’ve become. But once was enough to open up my eyes and see that Spike’s not the answer. I was so lost in my own pity and pain that I didn’t even realize what was happening to Willow. And I know that if something worse had happened to Dawn because of it I would have lost both of them forever. The haunted look in Will’s eyes scared me more than almost anything. Because I know that look, I’ve had that look. And the person who always chased it away was now wearing it.

Since that night almost a month ago she’s been trying so hard to prove herself to me, to Dawn, to everyone. I haven’t seen her use magic since then and I can’t help but be a little proud of her. But I still can’t figure out how to help her. How am I supposed to chase away the darkness when I’m a part of it?

Dawn and Willow are getting along much better now, so I’m at least thankful for that. In fact it was Dawn’s idea to get the tree this year, she thought it would cheer Will and me up. But as beautiful as it is, all it does is make me sad. It makes me think of the Christmas that Angel almost killed himself. And of last year when we spent the better part of the holiday season in and out of hospitals with Mom. Although the thought of my tiny Jewish Santa does ease the despair for a moment. But it is quickly replaced by the thought that this will be the first Christmas without Mom. And here I thought it didn’t get any worse! I’m completely trapped by this dark despair, it’s engulfing me like a thick heavy fog. And I don’t have any idea how to get out. And as loathe as I am to admit it, I’m not sure I want to.

Suddenly, just as that last thought crosses my mind, the metaphorical fog that I had just been thinking about rolls into my living room, followed by a ghostly white apparition. I see the tattered jeans and the iron chains hanging off the bony limbs. Slowly I draw my eyes up to its face, beginning to wonder if I had somehow been whisked into a Charles Dickens novel. I didn’t need to wonder anymore though when I saw who the ghost was.

“Ford?”

I blink a few times trying to grasp my mind around what’s happening before me in my living room. As the Slayer I’ve seen so many strange and unusual things in my time, I didn’t think anything could surprise me anymore. I guess I was wrong. Here Ford is, dead Ford, standing in my living room looking like he just stepped into the role of Jacob Marley. Wait a second, no way, uh-uh, no way! There is no way this happening, this is way too strange, even for me!

“Hey Buffy” Ford smiles a bit and waves a bony hand in my direction.

“Ok, this isn’t happening. I’m imagining things, or I’m dreaming. It’s a freaking novel for God’s sake!” I think I must be turning an alarming shade of red, because it suddenly feels very warm in here despite the chill that the mist around Ford carries.

“So I see you’ve already figured it out then. That a girl Buffy, you always were quick on the uptake,” He slowly moves closer to me, his chains rattling with each step. He walks past me and sits down in the chair that I had just shot out of moments before, then motions for me to take a seat on the sofa. “I know things have been difficult for you these past few months. And I also know you feel lost and consumed by despair. The powers that be are worried that their Chosen One has given up, and that is simply unacceptable to them. There are great things in store for you Buffy, but if you continue in the path you’re traveling now you’ll never fully realize the potential. So this is their way of trying to help you with your problem.”

“Wait a minute Ford, first of all, why did they send you?” I actually asked the question just to keep my mind from zoning out. I kind of already knew the answer, after all, Mickey’s Christmas Carol always was my favorite holiday cartoon.

“I wear these chains and tattered clothes as a way to repent for the sins I committed while on the mortal plane. Apparently this is my second chance to make right what I did to you while I was alive,” A guilty expression crossed his ashen features, and for the first time since the incident with Ford, I actually thought he felt bad about what he had done.

“Ok, I get that, but what exactly is going to happen? How are they going to help me?” Ok, I pretty much knew the answer to that one too.

“Oh, come on Buffy, you know exactly what’s going on. But if I must explain it to you than so be it. Tonight you will be taken on a journey throughout time. You will be show glimpses, images, of Christmas’ past, present and future. Your guides,” he stopped at the dubious expression I knew was crossing my face.

“Guides? You mean ghosts don’t you?” My voice was as sarcastic as I ever remember it being. But Ford just cast me an easy smile and continued.

“No, they aren’t exactly ghosts Buffy. Your guides will have familiar faces to make the journey less unsettling. If you must, think of them more as a guiding spirit, easing you through the images that you will be shown. This journey is to show you what once was, what is now, and what still could be, if you don’t change the way you have been living these last few months. A word of warning Buffy, the spirit guide of Christmas yet to come will not wear the face of someone you trust. Christmas’ yet to be are the most unsettling of them all. Prepare yourself , you may not like what you see” With that last cryptic word he stood up and moved to leave, chains trailing behind him and noisily rattling across the floor. “Expect the first spirit guide at 1 o’clock . That shouldn’t be a problem, I know you’re such a night owl” He chuckled a bit at his bad sense of humor and then moved to leave again.

“Wait a sec, you’ve got to be kidding me! This is real life, not some Charles Dickens novel. A Christmas Carol was a story for God’s sake!” Even though I knew what was happening, and somehow I could believe what was happening, I still wanted to know how it was happening. Ford turned back around and cast me a disbelieving look.

“Buffy, fairytale creatures have come to life and you’ve fought them on more than one occasion. Why is it so hard to believe that a story from a novel could be real? Besides, who said Charles Dickens wrote fiction anyway?” And with that he was gone. I think I must have stood there for a good minute with my jaw hanging wide open before I realized I was alone again. I quickly ran back and curled up into the chair I had spent the better part of the night in and wrapped the green blanket I had been using tightly around me. I loved this blanket, it was Willow’s, and it always smelled like the sweet scented vanilla perfume that she wore. I grasped my mug of hot chocolate again and took a long sip before settling into the chair and waiting for the clock to strike one.

~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t fall asleep, so when the digital clock clicked over to 1am my eyes were boring a hole straight through it. Just as Ford promised, as soon as the clock clicked over a warm breeze flowed into the room. As I was scanning the living room for my first ‘guide’ I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. I spun around in the chair and stared up at the face the spirit guide wore.

“Angel?”

“Not really little one, I just wear his face. The powers thought no one better to guide you through the visions of your past than someone who was a significant part of it. But remember child, I am not him, I only resemble his features. Now my dear, are you ready to begin your journey?” He smiled gently down at me as he offered his hand out.

“I guess so. Where exactly are we going?” I was curious to what the powers that be had in store. I took his offered hand as he started to lead me out of the living room. If I had any doubts that this man wasn’t Angel they were gone the second I put my palm in his. His grasp was startlingly warm.

“Not very far child, you’ll see, come along,” he ushered me out the front door and when I stepped onto the porch I was suddenly standing in my old home in Los Angeles. The spirit pulled me farther into the house until we came upon the living room. There in the far corner stood the most magnificent Christmas tree I had ever seen. It was covered in tinsel and silver balls, the lights sparkling from it creating an almost halo around the entire room.

My eyes shifted to below the tree where a young girl, not more than 5, sat wading through the presents. A little blonde girl that looked suspiciously like me.

“Mom come on, you always let me open at least one present on Christmas Eve!” A little blonde girl that didn’t just look like me, but sounded exactly like me. I followed the girl’s gaze and felt my breath hitch when I caught sight of who she was pleading to.

“Mom?” I hadn’t seen her in so long, the tears immediately welled up in my eyes.

“Yes, little one, your mother. Do you remember this?” His voice was so gentle with me as I tried to wrap my mind around the memory playing itself out before us.

“Yeah, I do. It was when I was four, that was the year Dad got stuck in Colorado on business. He got snowed in on Christmas Eve and didn’t make it home until the day after Christmas” I still felt a pang of resentment at my father for even going away on a business trip that close to Christmas, even if it wasn’t his fault he got snowed in. “It was actually kind of nice just Mom and me though.” I turned my attention back to the scene in front of me when I heard my mother’s gentle voice.

“Buffy, don’t you want to wait for your father? I’m sure he’ll be home any minute now”

“Do we have to? Can’t I open just one now?” Huh, I never realized how whiny I was at that age. Mom really did have her hands full.

“Come on Buffy, I’ll read you a story until your Dad gets home, how’s that?” Mom was trying her darndest to compromise with me.

“Ok, but only if it’s ‘A Night Before Christmas’” The younger me finally relented and climbed up onto Mom’s lap as she grabbed a book from beside the chair.

“Of course Buffy, I know it’s your favorite” I watched as Mom started relating the story of St. Nick and the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. I felt the tears course down my cheeks as I watched the memory that I had cherished all these years relived before my very eyes. I didn’t want to ever leave this place, it felt safe, I felt safe, for the first time in months.

“Come along child, there is something else you must see. And my time here is quickly coming to a close” The spirit gently guided me back out through the foyer and out the front door. As he ushered me away my eyes never left the scene that had just played out in front of me. Before I realized what was happening though I was standing back on the front porch of my house, my house in Sunnydale.

“I thought you had something else to show me, why are we back at my house?” Just as the question escaped my mouth I heard a loud burst of laughter erupt from inside. Curious as to which Christmas I had stepped into this time, I slowly turned the knob of the front door and moved inside. The foyer was covered in garland, reaching up along the staircase and hanging from the eves. I followed the sound of laughter into the living room. As soon as I caught sight of the tree in the middle of the room and the people surrounding it I knew instantly where I had been taken. “I remember this, it was right before you………..I mean right before Angel turned. It was the first Christmas the gang and I spent together. It’s one of the best Christmas’ I can remember” I sighed thinking back to that night four years ago.

“Yes, that is why you were brought here. Pay close attention to what you see child, everything that is being shown to you is for a reason.” The guide ushered me further into the living room and into a corner on the far side of the tree. I glanced around, my eyes coming to rest on a small Menorah I had set up on the coffee table. Willow was coming to the Christmas Eve party for me, even though it went against her religious beliefs. The least I figured I could do was to try and make her feel more comfortable.

As I watch my past self laugh with my friends my memories come flooding back to me like a tidal wave. Especially the memories of Willow. When I had asked her over for dinner on Christmas Eve she had cast me a curious look, ’You do know I’m Jewish, right? I mean I thought you did, but now that I think about it, maybe I never really mentioned it’. She had launched into full babble mode until I had grasped her arm and told her that I did know, but I was wondering if she would still come despite that. She hesitated for all of two seconds before smiling, shrugging her shoulders, and saying ’Sure, I’d love to’. I remember I had been dumbfounded at the ease to which she agreed. The more I think about it now though, I really shouldn’t have been. Willow has always done anything I asked of her without question, sometimes even against her better judgment.

I’m broken out of my reverie when I see my younger self being guided over to the corner in which I’m presently standing. I look at Will closely for the first time since arriving in the memory. I had forgotten how adorable she looked with long hair, she’s been wearing it short for so long now. I used to love to play with it back when we were in high school, Xander not sitting two feet from us, as we watched some cheesy old horror movie. I look back at Willow and notice how nervous she seems to be and I instantly remember.

“What’s up Will?” My younger self doesn’t seem to register how nervous Willow is.

“Um, well Buffy, I have a little Christmas present for you” Surprisingly Willow hadn’t launched into babble mode. She always babbles when she’s nervous, I’ve always found it incredibly endearing.

“Funny you should mention that, because I have one for you too, although it’s more of a Hanukah present I guess” My younger self pulled a small package out from behind her back and presented it to Willow. At the same time Will pulled a present out from behind her and handed it to me. From my vantage point behind them I could see that her hands were slightly trembling.

“Ok , well then you first Buffy” Willow motioned for me to open her present. My younger self took the package and proceeded to shred the wrapping paper off.

“You know you don’t have to tell me twice Will” Willow laughed softly as I tore the last of the paper away to reveal a small black jewelry box. I gently opened it to reveal two silver ankle bracelets, a identical charm hanging from each one. “Oh Will, they’re beautiful”

“Well actually only one of them is for you. The charm on each one is a half of the whole. You wear one and I wear the other” Willow started to blush as she continued. “It’s to signify our connection as friends, well, best friends”

“Willow, that is so sweet, thank you!” Younger me pulled Willow into a brief hug and then pulled the ankle bracelets from the box. “Come on Will, give me your ankle, we’ll put them on right now” Willow blushed again and then held out her ankle to me. After I had placed the bracelet on Willow I fastened the matching one to my own ankle and then stood up. “Ok Will, time to open yours” My younger self motioned to the package in Willow’s hand. Willow smiled gently and then carefully pulled the wrapping paper away from the box. It looked similar to the package I had given her. She slowly opened it to reveal two identical silver rings.

“Oh Buffy, they’re gorgeous! I can’t believe you did this” Funny, I don’t remember the awe in Willow’s voice the first time.

“Well the best friend thing goes two ways, you’re mine, I’m yours, that’s just the way it goes. And I just wanted to get you something to let you know how much I cherish that” Willow was misting up at my younger self’s caring words and I had this intense desire to just wrap her up in a big bear hug. “And just in case you didn’t know, one of those rings is mine” Willow laughed gently as she pulled one of the rings from the box. “Hey, did you check and make sure it’s the right one? I had them engraved so that we wear each other’s ring, mine should have your name on it” Willow looked dumbfounded.

“You went to all that trouble?”

“Of course I did Will, you’re my best friend, you’ve stood by me even after you found out about my big secret, you’re more than worth it.” I remember the words had slipped past my lips like it was the most natural thing in the world to me. As I watch us embrace for the second time I start to wonder why I’m being shown this particular memory. The spirit guide told me there was a reason for everything I’m seeing, but for the life of me I can’t figure out what it is. Why do the Powers That Be want me to remember my connection with Willow?

“Oh, look what we got here!” Xander’s booming voice breaks me out of my thoughts. And it also has broken Willow and my younger self from their extended hug. Xander is pointing at something above them. As my gaze follows the trail his finger is pointing to I blanch, remembering exactly what happened next. “Uh-oh, Buffy and Willow are under the mistletoe! Come one guys, you know what that means, don’t wanna mess with tradition do you?”

“Xander, I’m Jewish, I don’t believe in the power of mistletoe” Willow looked defiantly at Xander, who still had that goofy grin plastered across his face.

“Yeah, but I’m not Will, and don’t you think I tempt fate enough on a regular basis?” Ok, I had forgotten, ok maybe not forgotten more like repressed, that it was me who insisted on the two of us kissing. Again I was perplexed as to why I was being shown this image.

“Buffy, you can’t be serious!?” Willow had turned even paler than usual.

“Will, a quick little peck to save me from some kind of evil mistletoe backlash is not going to kill you” And without even waiting for a reply, my younger self leaned in and snatched a quick kiss from Willow’s pink lips. As I stood captivated by the sight of my lips pressed against Willow’s I felt a gentle hand against my shoulder.

“It’s time to go little one, the first part of your journey is done, and my time here has expired” I nodded my head mutely as he ushered me back out onto the porch. I felt a sudden wave of exhaustion overcome me as I closed my eyes. The next thing I knew I was sitting back in my chair with Willow’s blanket draped around me. Before I even had a chance to comprehend what was going on, a flash of bright light filled the living room. When my eyes refocused I was drawn to a figure in the center of the room. My mouth dropped open at the sight of my second guide, the spirit of Christmas present.

“Anya?”

“Anya?” Ok, this is way too weird, Anya as one of my guides is pretty much downright disturbing. It’s not that I don’t like her, although I’d never admit it to anyone. But the only thing I can imagine her guiding me through is a sex ed class. But then again, this isn’t really Anya, is it?

“Nope, you’re right, I only wear the face of your friend. You must be Buffy,” The spirit looked at me with a small grin plastered across her face. Either these guide thingies could read minds or I had started talking out loud to myself. “It’s the first one if you must know. But not all of us are telepathic, only the cool ones, like me!” Ok, well this, whoever she was, she didn’t just look like Anya, she was even starting to sound like the ex demon. She must have heard my thoughts because she rolled her eyes at me in a exasperated expression. “Well I don’t know about that, because I don’t know your friend. But I have been told that I can be rather blunt on occasion. So fair warning for you I guess. So come on blondie, are you ready or what?”

“Ready? Ready for what? Where are we going this time?” I don’t know if I was subconsciously trying to stall my way out of it. Maybe if I kept her talking until it was time for her to leave I could get out of it altogether. Because for some strange reason I know that I’ll be shown images of Willow. The certainty of that was overwhelming and for some reason it scared me. I was starting to understand why I had been shown the scene of Willow and I from that Christmas 4 years ago. Not just the exchange of gifts we made, but what happened after that. The kiss under the mistletoe that I initiated. Seeing my younger self kiss Willow had brought back all the emotions for my best friend that I had learned to lock away and hide. Over the years it had gotten easier and easier to hide the jealousy I felt whenever I saw her with Oz and then later with Tara. I guess practice does make perfect.

“Well I guess you’ll just have to wait and see. Besides, time has stopped for us right now, it won’t begin again until we start the second part of your journey,” The spirit idly flicked at her fingernails as I gaped at her in shock. I knew that she could see into my mind, she had already confirmed it. But to know that she heard all of my internal ramblings about Willow was unsettling to say the least.

“What?” She cast me a dubious expression. I could see she was getting more than a little irritated with me.

“You think that your friend Willow would be among the images that you will be shown. I just meant that you’ll never know unless we get going.” She offered me her hand and I hesitantly took it. “Remember, everything you are being shown tonight is for a reason.”

“To lead me to my destiny?” I was curious. Ford had basically said as much, but this spirit seemed a bit more open than the previous one.

“You already know part of your destiny Buffy. You’re the Slayer, and as the Slayer you know what that destiny is, I don’t think I need to spell that part out for you do I? This journey isn’t about the Slayer though, it’s about you. The path you are being led down tonight is to show you what Buffy the person, not the vampire slayer, is destined for.” I was a bit confused but I think I understand the basics of what she was saying. I had to admit, the idea that I could be destined for more than just killing demons was something I had hoped for, but I never thought it really possible.

“So you’re saying that there’s more to me than just being the Slayer?” I was too afraid to even hope.

“Yes Buffy, much more, but you’ll never get to see what I mean if we don’t get our butts in gear!” I felt her tugging me towards the kitchen, the protest forming on my lips as she moved us swiftly towards the back door. As soon as I was out the back door I knew I would encounter the first vision. The spirit, apparently not one to disappoint, smirked at me when I suddenly realized we were standing in Xander’s apartment. I looked around until I saw Xander sitting in his recliner, gazing at the beautiful Christmas tree in the corner. Anya sat on his lap, snuggled down into him. Seeing them all curled up like that made me realize just how perfect they looked together. You could feel the love they had for each other radiating off them in warm waves. I glanced to the spirit guide and then back to the content couple, my eyes landing on Anya first. It was definitely a weird experience seeing two of them at the same time. I shrugged that thought off though as I focused on Anya, who seemed to be fidgeting around in Xander’s lap, almost like she was trying to find a way to tell him something. My eyes drifted down when I saw her absently rubbing her stomach. It hit me like a ton of bricks dropped off a ten story building.

“Oh my god, Anya’s pregnant!?” The spirit smiled gently over at me before confirming it.

“Yes she is, about 8 weeks along I believe.”

“Wow, Xander’s going to be a father!” I stood there awed by how much we had all really grown up. But then I realized that Anya hadn’t told him yet, that’s what she was trying to do now.

“Yes, watch Buffy.” I cast my eyes away from the spirit guide and back to my friends. Anya was still fidgeting in Xander’s lap, apparently still at a loss for words as to how to tell him.

“Ahn, if you insist on doing that shimmying thing you better have something naughty in mind.” Same old Xander, always thinking about sex.

“Xander, I’m pregnant.” I almost laughed out loud. I should have known Anya would just blurt it out like that, she never was one for subtlety.

“Wh………..What?!” Poor Xander, I think his jaw is going to need to be surgically reattached. “How?” Uh-Oh, bad question. I have a feeling I’m about to be witness to a Anya style birds and bees lesson.

“Well it’s easy Xander. You and I had sex, which led to an or………”

“I know how, how it happened Anya. I mean how could it, we used protection!” Thank gosh Xander interrupted her. I don’t think I could bear to hear the O word come out of Anya’s mouth one more time.

“Oh that’s easy, it must have ripped.” She said it so matter of factly that I should have been completely floored. But I wasn’t, this was Anya after all. I turned away from the scene when I heard the spirit chuckle softly beside me.

“Well I know I’m not THAT blunt!”

“I don’t think ANYONE is that blunt, Anya’s certainly one of a kind.” I laughed softly as I turned my attention back to the parents to be.

“Xander, please say something. I’m scared, you’ve never stopped talking for this long before!” I could hear the panic in her voice. And I’d be willing to be that she was just as frightened about Xander as she was for herself.

“I’m sorry Ahn, you just threw me for a pretty big loop there.” He smiled down at her and started to gently stroke her slightly swollen stomach. “But I promise you that I will love you and this baby with every fiber of my being. And I’ll protect you both till the day I die.” If I had any doubts that Xander really was a grown-up they were erased the second I saw the look in his eyes. Pure devotion and determination. He was determined to be the father that he never had and devoted to being the best husband he ever could be to Anya. A single tear dropped from my eyes and I watched him embrace his happily sobbing fiancé. In that moment I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of him. I continued to watch Xander and Anya until I felt the spirit pulling on my hand.

“Come on Buffy, there is something else you need to see, something extremely important.”

“What do you mean extremely important?” The spirit’s cryptic words had certainly unsettled me.

“I don’t need to remind you again do I?” She must have seen my blank expression because she gently sighed, then continued. “Everything you’re seeing has it’s purpose, it’s for a reason. And what you’re about to see is one of the most important. I’m unable to tell you why, only you can figure it out. In fact I’ve probably already said more than I should have.” I nodded my head mutely, completely at a loss for words. I turned back away from the spirit and suddenly found myself standing in Mom’s room. Only it wasn’t my mother’s bedroom anymore, it was Willow’s. I glanced around until my gaze caught her, sitting curled up in a bean bag chair on the floor. I noticed she was gently sobbing, I could hear the small hiccups in her throat all the way across the room. I instinctively crossed over and tried to wrap my arms around her, but instead of pulling her into a comforting hug like I had intended, I passed right through her. I blinked up at the spirit in surprise.

“What the hell was that?”

“Relax Buffy, you’re not dead or anything. To be able to pass through the fabrics of time and space like you have on this journey, you need to be in a spiritual form. Think of it as a sort of astral projection. Your body is still downstairs, fast asleep, curled up in Willow’s blanket.” She quirked her eyes at me and smirked at the last sentence.

“But how can I comfort her if I can’t even touch her?” I was starting to grow irritated. Willow was in pain and I couldn’t even hug her and try and make it better.

“You’re not here to comfort her Buffy, just merely to observe. It’s important that you WATCH, Buffy.” Again the spirit emphasized on the importance of this image. Slowly I nodded my head and then crouched down next to Will. For the first time I noticed what she was holding in her lap. A photo album. And not just any photo album, it was the one I had given her last Christmas, the one that was filled with pictures of the two of us.

At the time I thought it was the best idea in the world. I wanted to show Willow how much her friendship over the years meant to me. She had been so wonderful when Mom was sick that I just wanted to give her something special, so I made her the album. I filled it with all sorts of pictures, some of the old gang, some with our new friends, but mostly it was just the two of us. As I had made the album I tried to ignore the feelings that had resurfaced from looking at all the pictures of Will and me. But as I sit here watching Willow trace her finger over one of the pictures, I know that it was just a matter of time before I wouldn’t be able to hold it in any longer. I break out of my little reverie as I focus on the page that Willow seems to be mesmerized by. It has about 4 pictures on it and Willow’s tracing her fingertip over the bottom-most one. I glance back up at the other three.

The first one was taken about 6 months after I had come to Sunnydale. It was right after the whole internet demon fiasco. Xander and I had decided Willow needed some cheering up, so we decided to take her roller skating. Apparently Willow had never been roller skating before though, because she was off her feet more than on. The picture itself had been taken by Xander. I had seen Will starting to fall so I rushed over to try and catch her. But all I managed to do was make us both crash to the hard wooden floor. So there we were, laying on top of one another in a big heap, when Xander whipped out a camera and snapped the photo.

I glance back from my trip down memory lane and focus on the second picture. It’s from a picnic that we had in Weatherly Park back when we were seniors. The entire class had gotten off one afternoon shortly before graduation to have our senior class lunch. Cordy was still somewhat on the outs with us and Oz was off on a gig with the band, so it was just me, Will and Xander. I remember we decided to pot luck everything, I made the food, Willow brought the blanket and Xander got the drinks. Apparently though Xander thought the word beverage somehow translated into camera. After we had eaten lunch Will and I decided to take a nap, but before we could do that Xander insisted that we capture one of our last high school moments on film. Reluctantly, Willow and I agreed and let him play photographer while we posed for him. He suggested that we get a couple of shots of Willow and me together. So without even thinking I sprawled myself across her lap and smiled away at Xander. I remember she didn’t even hesitate, she just wrapped her arms around me and smiled, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

The third picture was taken right after Oz left. I felt so helpless watching Willow suffer that I decided to try anything to cheer her up. There had been a carnival set up on campus and I decided to treat Will to a day of adolescent fair fun. I was actually rather surprised that she seemed to be having a good time with me. It was the first time I had seen her really smile in almost 2 weeks. We had decided to go into one of those photo booth things and have out pictures taken. Well the first set of pictures didn’t come out all that great because the way were sitting was kind of awkward. So I insisted that Willow sit on my lap, that way we’d both be completely in the frame. Again I was surprised when she didn’t protest, she just shrugged her shoulders and then plopped herself down onto my right knee. I linked my hands around her waist and smiled for the camera. There are four different pictures of us like that, but this one’s my favorite. Willow had leaned back into me and rested her head against my shoulder while I leaned forward and rested my chin on her shoulder. Looking at the picture, if somebody didn’t know better, they’d think we were a couple.

Finally my eyes trail down to the picture Willow’s fingertips were tracing. “Oh my god!” It was a picture of when Will and I kissed under the mistletoe, the same image I had seen earlier tonight. “How is that possible? I don’t remember putting that in the album, I didn’t even know it existed!”

“You didn’t put it there Buffy, she did.” The spirit smiled serenely at my confused expression and then continued. “You friend Xander took the photo all those years ago. Willow found it in his apartment when she was helping him move, and kept it. From everything I’ve been told, it’s her favorite picture of the two of you.” Her meaning was not lost upon me.

“Oh Will.” I tried to caress her cheek, for a moment forgetting that I couldn’t touch her. My fingertips passed gently through her pale face. Suddenly her own hand flew up and cupped her cheek, a confused expression clouding her soft emerald eyes.

“Buffy?” I stepped back in shock, she could feel me? “Goddess, you must be losing it Rosenberg, you’re imagining her touching you now! But I know I could have sworn I felt her stroke my cheek, I guess just wishful thinking.” Willow pulled the album up from her lap and then stood up, crossing to a duffel bag on the bed, and gently sliding it into one of the compartments before zipping it back up. That’s when I finally took in my surroundings. The closet doors were wide open, but all the shelves were empty. And two large suitcases were on the bed, packed and ready to go.

“What’s going on, where is she going?” Panic filled my voice as I looked imploringly at my guide.

“She’s leaving.”

“Leaving? Where? Why?” My mind was working overtime trying to comprehend the thought that Willow might actually leave me.

“She’s leaving Sunnydale. She’s afraid if she stays here all she’ll do is hurt you, and she can’t bear the thought of that.” The spirit looked sadly between Willow and me. “It’s a shame, she was DESTINED for great things too, but if she leaves none of it will come to pass.” Again I noticed the emphasis the spirit made. Before I had a chance to process what the guide was telling me I saw Willow grab her suitcases and walk out of the bedroom. I followed her down the stairs and watched as she gently set her bags down at the front door, then she silently crept over into the living room. I was shocked to see myself sleeping peacefully in the chair I had been sitting in earlier, curled up in Will’s blanket. She quietly walked over to me and then bent down, gently stroking a few stray locks of blonde hair away from my face. Slowly she raised herself up and placed a gentle, lingering kiss on my forehead. My body stirred a bit at the gentle caress, but I didn’t wake up.

“I love you Buffy, I always have, and I always will, until the day I die. Please understand why I have to do this.”

I was stunned, completely and utterly stunned, and I probably shouldn’t have been after everything I had seen tonight. I couldn’t move as I watched her turn her back and walk out of the living room without another word. Even as I heard the front door quietly click shut I couldn’t break free of my sudden paralysis. The reality of what was happening struck me with such force that I had to lean into the spirit guide next to me as to not fall over. I knew why I was being shown all this, I knew why the scenes, the visions I was being shown were almost all about Willow. I glanced up at the spirit for confirmation.

“You know it’s the truth. Of course my subtle little hints didn’t hurt either.” She smiled smugly down at me, but her face still carried a soft caring expression.

“What do I do?” I was scared, beyond anything that I’ve faced, this scared me the most. The implications, the truth of everything, I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with it all. Am I really ready to face my feelings for Willow?

“Only you know what’s right Buffy, in you heart you know. I am merely a guide.”

I turned my head back to look at the shut door, longing to go after my best friend, but something held me back, something I couldn’t place. I turned back around to the spirit guide, but she was gone. I was back in the chair again. I glanced at the clock and saw it read almost 3am. Without thinking twice I bolted out of the chair and raced for the front door. I had to find Willow before it was too late. Just as I reached the door it swung open, revealing a hooded figure, draped in a heavy black cloak.

“You’re the spirit Christmas yet to come?” I didn’t need Ford’s warning, I instinctively was frightened by this spirit the most. I’ve always feared I wouldn’t have a future, now I was about to find out.

The spirit nodded his cloaked head slowly in the affirmative as I instinctively started to back away. The guide walked solemnly into the foyer, coming towards me in long, heavy strides. I watched him for a brief moment and then went to turn around and race back into the living room. Before I even had a chance to take one step a bony hand grabbed my shoulder and spun me around with such force that for a moment I lost my balance. When I regained my equilibrium I realized I was no longer standing in my living room, I was in a graveyard. I spend quite a lot of time in cemeteries, it comes along with the territory of being a vampire slayer. But never once has it scared me the way it is right this moment. I can feel the chill go straight down to my bones, because I know there is only one reason I’ve been brought to a graveyard. My entire heart fills with dread as the one question I’m afraid to ask crosses my lips.

“Who?”

The guide abruptly points a bony finger towards a couple standing under a tree, one lone headstone resting in front of them. I slowly walk towards them, fear eating away at my soul with each heavy step, but my curiosity getting the best of me. As I approach them the man turns away from the grave to comfort the distraught woman standing beside him. When he turns I finally see who the couple is.

“Oh God,”

Xander was pulling a very distraught Anya into a tight embrace, trying desperately to comfort her. I slowly creep up close enough so I can see who’s name is carved into the marker. I know seeing Xander so sad could mean only one of three things. The person buried beneath our feet is either Willow, Giles or me. The thing that puzzles me the most though is Anya. While we all did get along, and I’ve always suspected she had a bit of a crush on Giles, our deaths shouldn’t have made her as inconsolable as she appeared to be. As I approached the headstone though, it suddenly hit me. It’s not me, it’s not Giles, and it’s not Willow. I cast my eyes wearily down to read the letters etched into the gray marble:

Jesse Alexander Harris

July 13th, 2002 - October 18th, 2008

May Your Young Spirit Soar Forever

“No, Oh God no, not Xander’s son!” I felt the tears slide freely down my cheek as I turned back and watched Anya grasping tightly onto Xander, holding onto his shirt like it was the only tether left to keep her from falling into that deep dark pit of despair. I couldn’t bear to watch Anya anymore so I turned to look at Xander. I shuddered when I saw the look his eyes carried. The light in his gentle brown eyes that used to twinkle with every joke or witty comeback was now gone. His gaze was hard now, hollow, and it chilled me down to my very core to think that this was the same Xander that I know. Whatever happened to their son, it changed Xander, hardened him, I can tell just by looking in his eyes. Before I can ponder why I’m being shown this image, I hear a sweet gentle voice carry through the cemetery, reaching my ears as well as Xander and Anya. I would know that voice anywhere, but there’s something different about it, almost singsong, and if I didn’t know better, a tad bit sinister. I turn around to follo