Giles' house.

You know, I think this is the one place that I don't have a set feeling towards. Or maybe it's just that I have too many. Like the old library, I guess. Since we blew up the high school, we've had scooby meeting at Giles', and that leads to mixed feelings. I love Giles, he's like a father to me, but he'll also always be a watcher.

Okay, so I guess he won't, since he was fired, but that's not what I mean. He's still there for Buffy, in the watchery sense, which is both a good and bad thing. It's a good thing because he's there trying to guide and protect us, but it's bad because it means that we generally only see him if it's related to something big and ugly. Which then means that if Giles says he'd like to see us we're all like 'man, not the end of the world again' sort of thing.

It's the same with his place. I feel safe there, like I did in the library, even if it was directly above the Hellmouth. But then, we get told all the bad stuff at his place, so every time I show up I'm expecting bad news, and I hate that feeling.

I have very clear feelings when it comes to other places. I feel safe in the dorm, since Buffy lives there with me and it's kind of my home now. I feel like a child at my parents' house, albeit a very neglected one. I love it at Buffy's - it's almost like home there, and Mrs Summers probably cares more about me than my mother. I feel slightly depressed at Xander's - he needs to get his life together - but at the same time I love it there, because he's there and he's been there for me since we were kids. But Giles'-

I can't sort it out. On the one hand, it's safe, a sanctuary, but on the other… the amount of bad news we get there always makes me feel a little unsettled.

Unfortunately, I don't think that's the real issue right now.

I'm unsettled, sure, and a little scared, but it's not because I'm at Giles'. It's because I'm a terrible liar, and right now I have a damn big honking secret to keep. I've never been able to lie to my friends, so I'm hoping that it's only Giles in there and I'll be able to keep my mouth shut and pretend I'm scared out of my mind that I'll slip up and he'll judge us and… not that I think he would, because he loves us, but he's old, and English, and…

Willow, can you shut up?

I scare myself sometimes, I really do.

I think Buffy's a little worried as well, since she's just standing there looking at me like she's waiting for something.

"Will?"

"What?"

"Are you okay?" she asks, her voice a little concerned. "You seemed kind of elsewhere for a moment."

I shrug. "Nothing serious. Just getting kind of lost in that big black hole that is my brain."

She smiles, and all my bad thoughts disappear. I love that she can do that to me.

"Ready to go in?" she asks.

Hello again, bad thoughts.

I sigh. "Yeah, I guess."

Buffy seems to know instantly what I'm thinking. "We're just here for the dream Will. We don't have to say anything about the other until we're good and ready, okay?"

"You know how I am with secrets Buffy," I argue.

"Will you'll be fine," she replies. "Look, if you start, I'll just say I gave you coffee." She reaches up with her hand to brush her finger against my cheek. "Hey. I love you, okay? But we're here on business. Just focus on that."

She gives me a brief kiss and a dazzling smile, and then turns away from me and opens the door. Without knocking. Giles really needs to remember to lock that.

As we enter the living room I look around, but Giles is nowhere in sight. I don't think Buffy even bothered looking, she just yelled for Giles and then made her way to the couch. I followed, but sat in the armchair rather than next to Buffy.

As it happened, Spike showed up before Giles did.

"What's all the racket?" he asked, grabbing a mug of blood out of the fridge on his way past the kitchen and then dropping into the other armchair.

"Spike," said Buffy, her voice flat. "Wonderful. Where's Giles?"

Spike shrugged. "I think he went out. Shopping or something. We're out of weetabix."

"Weetabix?" I ask. "Why would you care?"

"You kidding?" he replied. "The stuff tastes great in blood. Gives it some texture, you know?"

Eww. I knew I shouldn't have asked. It's Spike, of course he has some absolutely disgusting reason for wanting perfectly normal food.

"Anyway," Spike continues, "He's been gone for a bit, should be back soon. What're you two doing here? Anything going to kill you?"

Buffy just glares at him, and due to the far too chipper tone of his voice, I'm doing the same. Buffy's just opened her mouth to retort when the door opens and Xander and Anya waltz in.

"I'm here," Xander announces.

Gee, really?

"Why?" Spike shoots back.

"Shut it, dead boy."

"Make me, shagless."

Uh, Spike? Not really an applicable term with Anya right there. I can just see that she's going to-

"Hey!" she exclaims. "I'll have you know that-" she doesn't get any further as Xander covers her mouth with his hand.

"Anya, honey, while you may be happy discussing that with him, I'm not, and we had this talk, okay?" he waits until she nods before removing his hand.

"Fine," she says, somewhat huffy, "But I was sticking up for you."

"Thankyou. But let's just leave it, okay?"

No Xander. Thank you.

"Ruin my fun," Spike mutters, and gets a glare from Buffy for his trouble.

Xander ignores him and turns to me. "So where's the G-Man?"

"Behind you," says a voice from the door. "And how many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?"

"Probably forever," grins Xander.

"That would be right," Giles sighs. "What are you all doing in my apartment, anyway?"

"You told Mum you wanted me to 'swing by'," Xander answers.

"Yes, but I meant tonight. After sundown. So you can take Spike."

"What?" Xander exclaims.

"Yeah, what?" Spike adds, getting up from his chair. "Where's he taking me? I'm not going anywhere with him. he'll probably trip over himself and stake me by accident."

"Here's hoping," I hear Buffy mutter.

"If I stake you, it won't be an accident," Xander glares at Spike, with Anya beside him with an identical look on her face.

"Oh please," Spike scoffs. "You couldn't stake me if you tried."

"Wanna bet?"

Oh please!

"Children," Giles interrupts. "Either be quiet or take it elsewhere." He turns to Buffy when no one replies. "Buffy, I take it you're here for a reason."

Buffy nods. "Yep, and it's pretty important too. I think I had a slayer dream in class today."

"You fell asleep in class?" Giles asks, somewhat disapproving.

"That's your problem in this scenario?"

Ooh, wait. I love this part.

"Buffy, your education is important. You have to-" he pauses, and sighs when he sees that Buffy's just looking at him blackly. "There's really no point me continuing, is there?" he asks.

Buffy shakes her head, a small grin on her face. "None at all. Don't worry so much, Giles. I've got it covered."

Since when?

Did I just think that?

No. Can't have. Alright, who's in my head?

Giles gives Buffy this approving smile, and he's about to say something when she continues. "Yep. All I've got to do is sleep with the TA."

What?

"Good. Glad to see you've got yourself… what?"

Paying attention yet Giles?

"Yeah," Buffy continues, "He's already asking for it. He'll be wrapped around my little finger in no time, and before he realises it, he'll be marking all my papers with nice big numbers."

Okay, I'm not stupid. I know she's joking. She just wants to see Giles turn that funny shade of purple. Xander's amused, and Spike's smirking, but I'm not laughing. This is hitting a little too close to home for me. It's not too long ago that Riley actually was in the picture, and I thought I was crazy for having feelings for my best friend.

So, not crazy, but I'm definitely going to have to work on these jealousy issues. How did Xander stand it when she was with Angel? It must have driven him crazy.

I think I understand now why he always hated him so much.

Giles is spluttering, and Buffy's enjoying every second of it. Well, she was until she looked at me. I think my expression sort of gave me away, and considering what we almost did this morning Buffy talking about sex with someone else, even jokingly, is not something that I'm finding amusing.

After giving me a look that was sort of half apologetic and half amused, Buffy turned back to Giles. "Giles, calm down. I was joking. I'm not going to sleep with anyone just to get better grades. I can't believe you actually fell for that. If I was that desperate for marks the entire high school faculty would have had a ride. And anyway, how do you think Will got such good grades?"

Spike just fell off his chair.

Okay, so I should be pissed. Xander's gaping, and Anya's nodding like it was actually a feasible plan.

I think Giles is choking.

Okay, this has to stop. We can't kill Giles. "Buffy," I say, the warning clear in my tone.

She waves me off, and quickly starts to root through Giles' stuff. "Quick Will," she says. "You gotta help me find a camera. This is priceless."

Personally, I'd rather get a photo of Spike. He's rolling around on the ground, laughing his ass off. If he ever manages to get that chip out and tries to return to his previous master vampire status, that photo alone would be enough to keep him away from us.

Blackmail? Who, me? Never.

Fortunately for him, Giles gets himself under control before Buffy finds that camera. Spike's managed to rein himself in as well, and has managed to crawl back onto his chair, but every time he looks at me he smirks.

That's annoying.

"Buffy," Giles say when he's got his breath back. "Don't ever do that to me again. It's fine for you to say such things about yourself, but don't make unfair statements about Willow. You know perfectly well that she only slept with the PE teacher."

"Giles!" Buffy and I exclaim together. What is this? Pick on Willow day? Spike's collapsed in giggles (and I'll be damned if I ever thought I'd see a vampire giggle - well, you know, except Harmony), and I think Xander's about to pass out with the shock.

Still, if we're playing this game, I'm not going to be the victim. I can give as good as I get.

"Come on, Giles," I say. "You know I had to do it. I'm just horrible at PE. And I wasn't going to leave high school with a bad mark on my record. And besides, she was one damn fine woman."

"Willow!" This time it's Buffy and Xander in stereo.

"What?" I ask innocently. "It's not that bad. Buffy's mom had to sleep with the entire school board before they would revoke Buffy's expulsion."

"Willow!"

"Yes?"

"Stop it, please." Buffy pleads. "I'm sorry, okay? Just don't bring up my mom and sex again. I'm having band candy flashbacks. You win, alright? Just stop, please."

I smile. This is just too cute.

God, I want to kiss her.

Thankfully (or not), Giles takes that moment to clear his throat to get our attention. "As thrilling as this discussion was," he says, a little uncomfortable, "I think we had business to discuss?"

Right. Slayer dream. I think I forgot in all the… forgetting.

Buffy seems almost thankful for the change in topic, and so am I. I think our encounter this morning is still fresh in both our minds, and I don't know about her, but if we had talked about sex any longer I just might have jumped her right here. And while I might want it, I'm just not ready. I know this. She knows this.

Doesn't mean we have to like it.

Look Willow! Shiny objects!

Focus, please!

Buffy's midway through telling Giles about the dream (I think she skipped the part about me), and now she's reciting this poem or something to Giles. There's a lilting quality to her words - didn't she say something about a little girl singing? I think I remember that.

"The Gentlemen?" I hear Giles ask. "It doesn't ring a bell. I'll look into it."

"Thanks Giles," replies Buffy. "The whole thing was just really creepy, you know?"

Giles nods. "I understand. I'll let you know if I find anything."

"You don't want any help?" I ask, a little surprised. There's something nasty, we research, right? Isn't that how this works?

"Maybe when I've found a little more information to go on. As it is, I wouldn't know where to tell you to start."

"That's never stopped you before," I say.

"Well, no. I guess not. You can stay and look if you want."

"Xander doesn't want to, do you honey?" Anya says, grabbing Xander's arm and pulling him towards the door. "We'll help some other time." With that, she pulled him out the door and Xander waved sheepishly before it closed behind him. Buffy just watched them with a bemused expression on her face.

Spike gets up and stretches. "Well, as much as I'd love to stay and help you chaps go through all the boring books, I don't. I think I'll just go and get me some sleep. Try not to make too much bloody noise can you? You lot are louder than Harmony, and believe me, that's saying something."

When Spike had left the room, Buffy turned to Giles. "Can't you get a less obnoxious houseguest?" she asks.

"I'd love to," Giles answers dryly. "Unfortunately, I'm stuck with him until we either kill him or leave him to the mercy of those mystery commandos we still know absolutely nothing about."

Buffy sighs. "We'll get to them eventually. We've got more immediate problems at the moment. Remember? Slayer dream? Usually a trailer for a really bad movie?"

"Well," I say, clapping my hands and rubbing them together. "Let's get this party started, shall we?"

----------------

This sucks.

No, seriously. We haven't found squat, and we've been at it all day. And it doesn't help that Giles hasn't even tried to catalogue all those books we saved from the library. They're all still in boxes in his attic.

Actually, that's not really true right now. At the moment they're strewn all over the attic floor, where Buffy got sick of trying to be tidy. She's never the research type at the best of times, and going through random books all day certainly hasn't helped her temper. At one point she even through a book at Giles when he came upstairs to see how we were going.

"I hate this," I hear Buffy say from across the room.

"I hear that," I reply. Sure, I'm research girl, but even I have my limits.

"What say we leave it for the night?" she asks. "We're not getting anywhere."

"No, I guess not," I agree. "What, Giles doesn’t have enough time on his hands to unpack some books? What does he do all day, because that's all he used to do all day."

Buffy laughs. "You've got a point there Will. I, however, am far too tired to care right now." She gets up and stretches, and I have to say, it's not a bad view. Unfortunately, Spike choses that moment to walk through the door.

"Nice, luv," he say appreciatively. "Why don't you do that more often? You're enough to give a dead man a pulse. No, wait, hang on a sec. It goes the other way with you, doesn't it. You turn 'em bad. I like that in a girl."

"Shut up, Spike," say Buffy calmly. "I don't need this right now. Another word out of you and I introduce you to Mr Pointy."

"Mr Pointy?" snorts Spike. "If you weren't the Slayer, not to mention such an annoying whiny little brat, I'd introduce you to my Mr Pointy."

"I'd kick your ass before you could even get close enough to bite me." Buffy retorts.

Buffy, I don't think he's talking about his teeth.

It takes a moment, but Buffy finally gets it when Spike just smirks. "Eww… Spike, that's disgusting. What the hell is wrong with you? No, don't answer that." She stops, disgusted, but then a smile creeps onto her face. She wipes it off and looks over at Spike, her expression serious and concerned. "Spike, you just have to let it go. I'm never going to want you. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is."

"What the bloody hell are you-"

Buffy cuts him off. "Spike, I know you're very attracted to me, and I understand that you can't help how you feel, but you have to let it go. You're never going to get me, and I'm sorry if that upsets you."

Spike's really pissed off now. "Now listen here, Slayer. The only way I want to 'get you' is at the end of my fangs, and-"

Buffy jumps in again, trying to sound shocked and horrified. "Spike, no! Even if I did like you that way, I'd never go for that. I really think you should see someone about this probably of yours."

See this? This is me trying not to laugh.

"Hey Slayer, back off, will you? I'm not like my soddin' 'angel' of a grandsire. I don't get off on your type."

"Oh, Spike," Buffy says quietly. "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

Okay, I'm lost.

So is Spike, apparently. "What?"

Buffy sighs. "You should have been more open with us Spike. We are protecting you, after all. And I do know some great guys I could set you up with."

"Guys?" exclaims Spike, his voice strangled.

"You didn't have to hide the fact that you were gay from us, Spike."

Did she have to bring this up? So not a safe topic right now. Although I guess I can't talk. I brought it up myself earlier.

"Gay?"

Hey, I think he's hyperventilating.

Is that even possible?

Before he can react, Buffy's pulled me to my feet and past Spike. "Bye Spike," Buffy calls over her shoulder to where he's still standing, "Try not to jump Xander tonight. You know he's straight, and he probably wouldn't appreciate it."

Leaving Spike trying to get himself back together we race down the stairs, and after a quick goodbye to Giles we're out on the street, and walking back towards the dorm. Somewhere along the way Buffy's hand had moved from my arm, and now her hand clasps mine, and I relish the first real physical contact we've had since we left the dorm this morning.

Still, something's on my mind, and if I've learnt one thing from Buffy, it’s that we really aren’t good at hiding things from each other. "Buffy," I begin somewhat tentatively, "can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Why'd you pretend Spike was gay?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. I guess I just thought it would piss him off."

Uh-huh. "So, it had nothing to do with… you know… us?"

She stops us walking, and turns me around so we're face to face. "Why would it, Will? I was just joking around, like I always do, and messing with Spike is one of my new favourite hobbies."

"It's just…" wow this is hard to say, "you've never really made comments like that before, and I just thought, that maybe, with us…"

She stops me with a finger on my lips. "Will, I love you. If that makes me gay, then so be it, but I don't think of it that way. You're all I want. There isn't anyone else, guy or girl. You're you. I fell in love with you because of who you are, not because of what you look like. And that's not saying that you're not absolutely gorgeous, because you are. But that's not what's important, you know?"

"I guess…"

"Will, what's really bothering you?"

I shrug, and hang my head a little. "I don't really know. I guess I'm just afraid. What happens if we tell our friends and they react badly? Will you decide I'm not worth the trouble?"

"Will, you're not trouble. And if you were, you'd be worth every bit of it."

That was nice.

Wasn't that nice? She says such nice things to me. God I love her.

"I love you."

She smiles, and leans forward to kiss me. In the middle of the street. Buffy just kissed me in the middle of the street.

Wow.

"I love you too." She squeezes my hand, and we start walking again. "Can I take you out for dinner?" she asks.

"That'd be nice."

Wow.

I don't think I've said that enough today. I don't think I'm going to have said that enough until it really sinks in that Buffy wants to be with me. and I think that's going to take a while. It's Buffy. She's amazing. And I'm just me. I don't think there's a word in the English language to describe what I feel right now. Contentment. Wonder. Happiness. They all fall short. There's probably only one other person on this earth that's experienced what I feel right now.

Angel.