TITLE: Skin 'N' Bones 1/1 AUTHOR: Dogg'N'Scull E-MAIL: thorfinna@sympatico.ca SPOILERS: none really, just the existence of Doggett RATING: PG... CLASSIFICATION: Humor I hope.. just silliness for the Halloween Challenge. Takes place in season 8. Doggett is in it, but please read it anyway . No relationship stuff tho... DISCLAIMER: They're not mine, I'm not making any money off of this, nor do I have any to be sued for... SUMMARY: Scully and Doggett investigate a case of unexplained death with bizarre results. "So tell me again why we're goin' out here?" John Doggett asked his redheaded partner as they drove down the winding road that led to Hallowston. "According to the report," Scully replied, "An elderly woman, Mrs.... Vulkedolak, was found in her home, cause of death unknown. Her daughter discovered the body two days ago." "And this is an X-File how?" Scully glanced around the car furtively then shushed John. "Shh. Plot convenience, Agent Doggett," she whispered. "What?" John glanced over his shoulder at the writer but Scully turned his head back to the road. "Don't look!" she hissed. "Oh. Sorry. Right... so, uh... WHAT..DO..YOU..THINK..KILLED..THE..OLD..WOMAN,..AGENT..SCULLY?" he said, stilted and loud. Scully stared at him. "They can read you perfectly fine, Agent Doggett." "Huh? Oh.. yeah, of course. Sorry 'bout that Agent Scully." He cleared his throat. "So, you have any *theories*?" Scully gave him an annoyed look. "No. I haven't *seen* the body yet. We need to meet with the local Sheriff, Jack, uh... Lantern." "Jack *Lantern*?? Lemme guess, middle initial, 'O'." "It doesn't say." "Come on, Agent Scully! You really expect me to buy this?" She ignored him. "The body is at the morgue, located in the basement of the Sheriff's office, which is...." "Coming up on the left," Doggett cut in, pointing up the street. "Think he lit a candle for us?" He grinned. Scully forced her face to remain impassive. They pulled into the parking lot, and Doggett nodded towards the carved pumpkin sitting on the front step, grinning at them. "Guess that must be Sheriff Jack." Scully rolled her eyes as she undid her seatbelt and climbed out of the car. "You must be the F.B.I. people!" Scully and Doggett turned to see a man standing on the step next to the pumpkin. He was a good 6'5" tall, and standing on the step, he towered over both agents. "Sheriff Lantern?" asked Scully as she looked up, wayyy up. "Jack. Please. Welcome to Hallowston. You must be Agent Scully. It's a real pleasure to meet you. Both," he added quickly as he turned to Doggett who was scowling slightly. "And you must be, ah, umm.. " "Special Agent Doggett," John replied, not impressed. "Sheriff, we'd like to see Mrs. Vulkedolak's body." "Of course you would, course you would. You F.B.I. people really know your business. Right this way, folks." The Sheriff led them inside the building and down a damp set of concrete stairs to a steel door. "Don't want them getting out, you see," he said, indicating the door. The two agents blinked in unison. "Uh, that's just a little joke," the Sheriff said, coughing. He unlocked the door and motioned them through. The hall was lit with an electric blue glow, the air a good 10 degrees cooler than upstairs. Scully shivered despite herself. The Sheriff noticed and he puffed his chest out. "Oh, there's nothing to be scared of down here, little lady. No one down here's gonna hurt you." Doggett choked and as inconspicuously as possible took a step backwards, away from Scully, who turned her gaze upwards to meet the Sheriff's. "Sheriff *Jack*," she said, her voice colder than the air. "If you'll just show me to the body, I can begin *my* autopsy." Sheriff Jack looked like a confused puppy. He was obviously not used to today's strong female roles on television or in fanfiction, and wasn't sure how to react. "Ah, no offence... Ma'am!" he added quickly. His face coloured. "She's, uh, she's right down here." They walked into the cold storage area and Scully gasped. "My God, Mulder, she's - SHIT!" She shook her head. "Sorry," she apologized. "Take it again, from the hallway..." said the writer, who shook her head and worried that everyone was going to tell her she'd better get a beta. Scully nodded and everyone went back out into the hall. They walked into the cold storage area and Scully gasped. "My God!" she said. Doggett stared in shock at the body of Mrs. Vulkedolak. "She's nothin' but skin an' bones!" he said, his face scrunched up in distaste. "Yayup, yayup. That's the way she was found all right. Shriveled up like a bag of skin full of dry bones. An empty husk, a hollow, sunken pile of nothin, an absence of warm flesh, a rotted heap of sticks and leaves-" Scully and Doggett turned to stare at the Sheriff in disapproving annoyance. He fell silent. "I'm not going to be able to perform the autopsy here, I'm going to need the lab at Quantico," Scully murmured, poking at the brittle looking skin of Mrs. Vulkedolak. She gave Doggett a bewildered glance and shrugged. "I guess we should head over to the house?" "That would be 224 Sweetmeat Drive. She lived down by the old graveyard," said the Sheriff. "Naturally," Scully said under her breath. "Sweet Meat?" Doggett mouthed, shaking his head. They went back upstairs and Scully gave the Sheriff explicit instructions for sending the body to Quantico, which he seemed a little leery of, but agreed to do. Jack handed over all the case notes he'd collected, which consisted mostly of interviews with the neighbours. Thusly armed, Doggett and Scully headed out for 224 Sweetmeat Drive. "Is it just me, or is this place more than a little odd?" Doggett asked Scully. "I have to admit it is a little strange," she agreed. "Sweetmeat Drive?" She shook her head. "I have no idea." After about ten minutes of driving in circles around town they finally found Sweetmeat Drive, conveniently located off of the Old Graveyard Road. "You've got to be kidding me," Scully complained as the house came into view. "*This* is the place?" Doggett echoed. If there was one house that all other spooky house clichés were based on, this was that house. It had peaked roofs, wrought iron fencing, ancient trees, broken windows, cobwebbed corners, black cats scurrying after black rats with beady eyes. She even swore she saw a raven go flying by - Nevermore. There was only one light on in the whole place - the attic. The two agents sat in the driveway, staring up at the creepy old mansion. "Didja bring your flashlight?" Doggett asked with a smirk. She glared at him and they both got out of the car - Scully hurrying around to the trunk to get her flashlight. The wind whipped through the rotting boards of the house, causing them to moan and creak. Carefully, they crept up to the steps, flicking on their flashlights. They exchanged a glance and then ducked under the Police tape and walked to the door, their feet clunking heavily on the old planks of the porch. "Should we knock?" Doggett asked and Scully shrugged. He reached out and rapped three times. They both waited tensely and were enormously thankful when they heard nothing in response. Doggett opened the door and it swung in, obligatory creakiness and all. Despite the outward appearance of the house, the inside was spotless and the Agents stepped in, surprised. "Oh my God," said Scully, taking in the glowing extravagance of the main hall that her flashlight illuminated. "Maybe someone stood to inherit the old place?" Doggett whispered. "Maybe. It's certainly worth more than it looks from outside," Scully said. Doggett reached over and flicked the light switch and they both heaved a sigh of relief as the lights came on. They marveled at the room they were in, seen now in its full brilliance. "Wow," breathed Scully as she walked over to the magnificent fireplace that took up two thirds of the wall beside the spiral staircase that led upstairs. Doggett shook himself. "So, where was the old woman found?" "In the kitchen," Scully said, still whispering as she ran her hand along the marble mantelpiece. "Why are you whispering?" Doggett whispered back. "I don't kno..." She cleared her throat and resumed speaking in her normal voice. "Come on." They made their way towards the kitchen, admiring the rooms as they passed them by. Each was as spotless and immaculate as the one before it. "Bit of a neat freak," Doggett commented. Scully scowled at him. They walked into the kitchen and stared down at the chalk outline that marked the shining tile floor. "I'm guessin' that's where they found her, then," Doggett said. "Right in front of the cupboard..." Scully said thoughtfully. "Does she have a dog? Maybe she was going to get the poor guy a bone?" "Will you knock it off?" Scully snapped. "Hrmph," he said back. "Maybe what we need to do is retrace Mrs. Vulkedolak's steps the night she died, find out what she was doin'." "She was going to her cupboard, Agent Doggett." "Yeah, but what else did she do that night?" Scully flipped through the Sheriff's notes. "Well, neighbours said they saw her taking a walk-" "Let me guess. Down by the old graveyard." "Well, uh, yes actually, that is what it says." "Then lets go, I think we need to go through this step by step," said Doggett. "All right. So, we start here at the house, at about 10:00 pm. What time is it now?" she asked. Doggett looked at his watch and frowned. "What the? It's five to ten, Agent Scully. How the hell did we go from early afternoon to five to ten in a few paragraphs??" Scully elbowed him. Hard. "Oh, this is one of those plot conveniences again, ain't it?" he said sagely. "Okay! So, it's about the right time. Mrs. Vulkedolak thought she'd like to take a walk." They went out the front door and started out down the sidewalk. "So, she walked down by the old graveyard, right?" Doggett asked as they strolled under the night sky. "Yes. That's it just ahead I think, Ghostlynook Cemetary," Scully said, pointing at the tall iron fence at the end of the street. "What is it with the names around here? Did you notice that they don't have a 'Main' street, they have a 'Mourn' street?" "No, I didn't notice," she lied. The names were creeping her out a bit too. She shuddered. "Cold?" asked Doggett. "N- er, uh, yes, a bit," she said, quickly covering. "Would you like my-" John started, pulling his coat off his shoulders. But she cut him off with a hasty "NO!" and he put it back on. They stopped at the gates of the graveyard and stared in. "What the hell is that, Agent Scully?" "I think... It looks like *bones*!" "What are they doin' a' layin' around all the tombstones like that?" he asked. "I don't know." "Hey. You think this is what Mrs. Vulkedolak saw out here two nights ago?" "Neighbours did say they saw her get this far and then hurry back home..." "So chances are she saw something that made her want to get back to her house quickly. Think she was scared?" "Living in *that* house? I doubt it," said Scully. "Neat freak!" said Doggett. "Geshunteit!" Scully said. "No! She was a neat freak! She probably went back to get her broom so she could sweep them all up!" "That makes no sense at all, Agent Doggett! If she was such a neat freak, why wasn't the *outside* of her house all clean??" "PLOT CONVENIENCE, Agent Scully! Come on!" "Doggett, are you crazy?!" Scully yelled, chasing after him as he ran back towards the house. "Just listen," he said, bursting with exuberance. "First. There's an old lady, all skin and bones. Second, one night she thought she'd take a walk, right? And where did she walk? She walked down by the old graveyard. When she got there, what did she see? All the bones, laying around! She's a neat freak, despite the spooky exterior of her house. Maybe she doesn't like visitors? Who knows? So she decides to go back and get her broom to clean up the graveyard!" Scully frowned as she followed him. "Hmm. Neighbours did say she would sweep up garbage off the street..." she said. "Hah! See!" shouted Doggett in glee as they ran into the house and down the hall. "So she was coming back to get her broom!" They went into the kitchen. "And where do you think she kept that broom! In the cupboard!" "She went to the cupboard to get a broom," Scully said nodding. They exchanged a look and reached for the door together. "She opened the door and..." "BOO!" They jumped in unexpected fright, Doggett's shoes slipping on the supremely polished surface, and he started to go down. His arms flailing, he caught Scully, but his momentum was too much for them both and they went tumbling down in a pile of arms and legs. "OoooOooOOoo," groaned Scully. "OoooOoooOoOoooo," groaned Doggett underneath her. "Heheehehe," giggled the writer as she hopped out of the cupboard and pulled off her Halloween mask. "Got you both good," she said, laughing. "You!" exclaimed Scully! "You killed that old woman?!" "This is the biggest damn cop-out ending I've ever seen," griped Doggett, sitting up painfully. He hissed. "I think I broke my ankle," he pouted. "Ohh, here, let me see," fussed Scully, hiking up his pant leg to run her fingers over his bruised flesh. Doggett stared up at the writer with a surprised smile. She winked and pulled a pair of crutches out of the cupboard from where they were resting - next to the broom of course. "You're gonna need these. I got you this far. The rest is up to you," she said, nodding at Scully, who was obliviously in doctor mode, wrapping her scarf around his swelling flesh. The writer tittered, waved at her favourite two agents, and with a tune on her lips, skipped out and left Doggett and Scully sitting on the floor of the mansion. "Did all that really just happen?" Scully asked as she helped Doggett to his feet. He balanced himself with the help of the crutches and shrugged. "I dunno. But I'm gonna need some help with this ankle for the next little while, Dana," he said softly. She looked up at him in surprise, and then a wicked gleam came into her eye. "John," she said, "Let's get out of here." Chuckling, the two agents stumbled to the car and headed for the highway. "Hey, what about Mrs. Vulkedolak's body?" Doggett asked from the back seat where he rested with his foot elevated. Scully shrugged. "Knowing Sheriff Pumpkin, she's probably on a cruise to Mexico, not Quantico. As far as I'm concerned, the writer killed her, the writer can deal with it!" Scully laughed and Doggett joined in, the sound following them and their car as they drove off into the sunset, neither of them hearing the protesting voice say "Hey!" as they left her behind for another story... T H E E N D Notes: I was in a very strange mood today when I wrote this. This is something quite silly and different for me!! I'm usually all about the angst!! Don't ask what I was thinkin', I'll deny everything! I wrote this for Phil's Halloween Challenge... Challenge elements were: crutches, a fireplace and a tombstone, though they didn't play an integral part in the story, I must apologize for that... this was a last minute thing that just popped out of me today... This story came out of a silly song that was sung by kids when I was little. You may have heard it or one of the many variations that I'm sure are out there It goes like this: There was an old lady all skin and bones Ooooo Ooo Oo Ooooo She lived down by the old graveyard Ooooo Ooo Oo Ooooo One night she thought she'd take a walk Ooooo Ooo Oo Ooooo She walked down by the old graveyard Ooooo Ooo Oo Ooooo She saw the bones a layin' around Ooooo Ooo Oo Ooooo She went to her cupboard to get a broom Ooooo Ooo Oo Ooooo She opened the door and BOO!!