Part 2
"We Don't Make Love Anymore"
By: Kathryn
Rated: PG (For material that could be offensive)
2001
janeway82@subspacemail.com
SO I LIED SUE ME!
Summery: After Janeway’s miscarriage in part one she became depressed and will not allow Chakotay to make love to her. What will happen to their marriage? Some parts are very week, others a lot of strength. Praise for boring Professors I wrote this in 75 minutes.
The next morning Chakotay went to see his wife. In Sickbay the Doctor is taking some readings when Chakotay enters with the whoosh of the doors. The Doctor turns to the sound, to his surprise it was a very exhausted Chakotay. The Doctor moves up to him.
“I had to sedate her Commander. I know how much she hates that but it was the only way for her to get some rest.”
Chakotay moves up to Janeway’s bio-bed. Using his hand to stroke her cheek and pull back a stray strand of hair. She looked so pale and weak.
“Doctor, why does she look so fragile. I’ve never seen her like this before. Why did she have a miscarriage she did everything that she was supposed to? I just don’t understand.”
“When she had the miscarriage she lost a lot of blood. It’s really not a surprise, but it was rare for her to lose the baby at twenty-two weeks gestation. I’ve been trying to find the verdict when she started to become delusional. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t her fault but you know the Captain.”
Chakotay nods, still confused on why she had the miscarriage to begin with. She did everything she was told. Why did this happen.
“Most people believe that…a superior being… has the last call. But medically I can assure you that sometimes the fetus aborts itself when or if something is wrong. Nothing that the mother does causes miscarriages.”
Chakotay is saddened by the thought. He knew how much Kathryn wanted this baby, and he wasn’t there for her when it happened. B’Elanna was and that was something he regretted.
“I wasn’t there for her when she lost the baby and I should have been. Why didn’t she call me? Why didn’t I pay attention I saw it coming but I just ignored my gut feelings.”
“Commander get a hold of yourself. This wasn’t your fault. I told Captain Janeway the same thing. No one could have prevented this tragedy from occurring. Now when she wakes up she is going to need a lot of support. I need you to stay together to help her.”
“I don’t know if I can do that Doctor. It wasn’t just Kathryn who lost the baby you know, a part of me was lost as well.”
“I know Commander and I’m sorry. But perhaps if you could be strong just until she gets over this depression. It will help her out a lot.”
Chakotay nods and pulls a seat up next to Janeway’s bio-bed.
“Doctor, be honest with me, I want to know if she can still have children. This was Kathryn’s dream and when we got thrown out here in the Delta Quadrant she lost that dream. When we got pregnant she was the happiest I had ever seen her.”
“She will continue to have complications but I think that with the proper care and monitoring she’ll succeed.”
Several Hours Later…
Chakotay is holding Janeway’s hand while his head rests on the other. When he hears Janeway coming too, he wakes. As Janeway slowly opens her groggy eyes the first thing she sees is Chakotay’s face, then she remembers what happened and that was the last thing she wanted.
“Why is he here Doctor? I told you I didn’t want to see anyone before you sedated me. Answer me Doctor that’s an order!”
Chakotay is hurt by how cross she was. It wasn't just her words but the way she looked into his eyes. Hatred came back at him. The Doctor comes up to Janeway’s bio-bed.
“I’m glad to see you are awake. How do you feel?”
“Doctor, why don’t you put yourself in my shoes for a moment. You started having contractions, you bleed all over your best friends quarters, been poked and prodded, and last but not least, you loose the baby you carried for nearly five months. Think about that Doctor and you have the answer. Now get out! Both of you!”
Janeway rolls onto her side and sobs like a child. How did the Doctor think she felt? You were given a life and then its taken away. Chakotay reaches over to touch her shoulder only to be pushed away. This was going to be a difficult road for both of them.
“Come on Commander into my officer we will have more privacy. I will explain to you about her behavior.”
“Sure act like I’m just asleep. Go ahead Doctor take him away. I don’t even exist. I am an empty shell.”
The Doctor motions his head over to his office. The two of them agree they shouldn’t speak in front of her in her fragile condition, it would only make things worse. When they reach inside…
“Doctor, what is the matter with her? I love her and I know that underneath all the pain and hurt she love me too. How can I help her if she won’t even show me that kind of affection?”
“This is not uncommon after a miscarriage. She is feeling anger, not only to us but herself as well. I have seen this before, many women get through it but with her history of depression she will wind up endangering herself.”
“Well, is there anything you can do for her? I mean to help her through this most difficult and trying time?”
The Doctor shakes his head. Emotionally he could only do what he is programmed to do. Medically he had done all he could do.
“Emotionally I can’t help her except with what I am trained to do. Her body will only heal physically IF she gets out of this depression. Right now I have her on anti-depressants, but as you can see they are not working nor are they helping. What she needs, really needs, is the support of the entire crew.”
“But as you can see she doesn’t even want to see her husband, let alone the entire crew. Her and B’Elanna are best friends; she told me that Kathryn doesn’t want to see her. Without the support of her best friend what is there left? Without us she will only become worse and soon we won’t be able to do anything for her. I love my wife but I don’t love the person who is laying in that bio-bed over there. That person is not the woman I fell in love with five years ago. That is merely a representation.”
The Doctor nods, without the support of the ones she is close to, she will not recover or improve she WILL get worse.
“I’m going to let you take her home tonight. Perhaps the familiar surroundings will guide her through this difficult journey. Here is a hypo-spray of an anti-depressant and refills; you may give her some every four to six hours unless she becomes isolated. If that occurs watch her every move don’t let her go anywhere alone including the bathroom. Who knows what she might do to herself.”
“I promise Doctor, I’ll watch her carefully if anything at all happens, I’ll be sure to contact you immediately. I had better go the quarters are full of infant things. If she goes home now I fear she may never heal.”
The Doctor nods as Chakotay exits his office then Sickbay. As he glances over to the bio-bed where Janeway lays he can’t help but wonder if there was a way he could have saved the baby.
Janeway is still laying on her side away from everything and everyone. She didn’t want to see anyone not now not ever especially the Doctor for it was his fault the baby died. Right now that is what she wanted to die and be with her child. Nothing else seemed to matter to her or even seem real. Not the ship, crew, her husband, her friends, nothing and she never wanted that to change.
A Few Hours Later…
The Doctor comes up to Janeway; she isn’t pleased and pushes him away. She didn’t want him to touch her, not ever again.
“I need to examine you Captain to see if you are recovering.”
Janeway again pushes him away this time succeeding in him crashing in a cart behind him. Not injured physically but hurt none the less. She was blaming him for the death of the baby.
“If I don’t examine you, you can go into septic shock, would you really want that?”
“If I can die from it than fine. Let me become septic let me die. There is nothing left here for me to be alive for.”
The Doctor is deeply offended by this. Her condition has gotten worse. Before this miscarriage she was eager to reach the Alpha Quadrant and now at 20,000 light years away in the Beta Quadrant, she has given up. He had always thought that she was the backbone of the crew, she would make it possible to help the crew believe they would make it but now her heart was back in the Delta Quadrant.
“It will only take a moment, please Captain I need to treat you. If I don’t I’ll be breaking my oath…Please Captain…”
Janeway sighs angrily, she wasn’t going to fight because no matter what the Doctor was going to do, he would do it.
“Fine! Just do it lets get this over with before I change my mind! I want to get out of her as soon as I can it only holds bad memories.”
The Doctor nods as he runs the scans. All the readings seem fine except she was a little anemic from the blood loss.
“Your scans are as well as can be expected considering the circumstances. I’m going to give you a vitamin supplement to bring up your red blood cell count they are low. In addition I must do an internal exam to make sure your uterus is back to its normal size. It won’t take long.”
Janeway nods as the Doctor completes her internal exam. She has some tenderness but that is to be expected as her body returns back to normal. When finished Janeway bring down her legs again.
“ I see you are still experiencing some tenderness but that is normal after such a traumatic incident.”
“Must you keep reminding me Doctor? I know what you are telling me so I really don’t need to hear it every time you examine me. “
“I am just doing my job. Chakotay will be here in a few minutes to take you back to your quarters. He gave me these for you to put on, you wouldn’t want to prance on outside of Sickbay in that get-up would you?”
“Not really, these are very tasteless.”
The Doctor assists her off the bio-bed; slight pain crosses her abdomen and has difficulty walking but the Doctor assists when needed. He brings her to a private room to change her Sickbay clothing and as he leaves hand her the clothes Chakotay brought for her. Moments later she comes out dressed and ready to leave Sickbay. With the Doctor’s help she take a seat to wait for Chakotay.
Chakotay enters a short time later with roses in his hands. Janeway sees them and turns away. Chakotay confused looks at the Doctor who just shakes his head.
“Captain Janeway if your bleeding gets worse please come and see me, and try to get some rest it will help your body heal. Chakotay be sure to make her take it easy for a while.”
Chakotay nods, Janeway is helped to her feet by Chakotay and the Doctor. She looks into his eyes and nods. Chakotay assists her the rest of the way to their quarters.
When they reach their quarters they go into it together, it was emptied of all the baby’s things it to Janeway looked like a cage and she was in it.
“It’s all gone, the clothing, the cradle, crib, sheets, diapers, everything is gone how could you Chakotay…How could you!”
She pushes him away and stumbles into their bedroom to cry a river of tears. It didn’t make her feel better it made her feel worse. Chakotay thought he had done a good thing only to find out that it wasn’t to her.
Weeks go by, B’Elanna is in Sickbay holding her baby girl, and Paris is next to her. They are both doing just fine. She had tried to see Janeway only to be pushed away or locked out with encoded locks. She wanted Janeway there to see the baby but wasn’t instead she was locked in her quarters while the rest of the crew came to see the next generation and the first baby in a very long time. Chakotay was suffering as well. Janeway would not let him go near here. When they went to sleep at night they were on opposite sides. Chakotay was beginning to fall apart.
“Doctor, I want to see Captain Janeway, she deserves to see her Godchild. Can’t you get her to come? I need to see her.”
“I have tried, Lt. Paris, Chakotay, even Seven and Naomi have tried to get her to come out or that room but she won’t. Every time it’s the same old sentence; “It’s to Painful to see B’Elanna and her baby.” I don’t know what else to do.”
B’Elanna is angry, it’s been two weeks, and no one has heard from the Captain including her husband. Right now he is living in separate quarters.
“This depression she’d gotten herself into, it isn’t going to get any better if she stays isolated. She’s helped me through it, its only right I do the same. She’s my best friend.”
“I will release you tomorrow night, go to her take Kaliyah with you maybe seeing her will bring her back to us?”
The night she was released from Sickbay B’Elanna did what she set her mind to. She marches to Janeway’s quarters with Kaliyah as a last hope in her arms. She touches the door’s insigma when no answer came back she gets inpatient…
“Computer, Security Override Torres-Gamma-Alpha 1-1-3-6.”
The door hisses open. Inside it is complete darkness, not a single speck of light exists inside the residence, and outside warp light was the only light.
“Captain, Captain Janeway are you here?”
“What is so important that you must interrupt my thoughts Lt. Torres?”
To her surprise Janeway turns away from the window and looks directly at B’Elanna. She hasn’t called her Lt. Torres since they first came here. She knew something was wrong.
“You are the emergency Captain! You have been wallowing in your own self-pity that you didn’t even come to see the baby. The baby you are the Godmother to, the one you named. Did you know I had her, two days ago? I suppose not considering that you have been locked in here for weeks, Chakotay isn’t even living in these quarters! Do you know how much he loves you! “
“I know! But without my baby there is nothing left for him! Until you loose a baby you don’t know how I feel!”
“I may not have lost a child, but my father left when I was six years old. He was my only hope and when he left I turned away from my mother, my family, I didn’t even want to hear his name spoken. I believed it was my fault that he left. Remember when I found out I was pregnant with Kaliyah? I wanted to change her genetic makeup to make her more human. You wouldn’t let me and now look at her, look at how beautiful she is! It was you who made her this way. I love her for the way she looks now.”
“What does that have to do with me? I lost my baby I didn’t want to change her genetic makeup. There is a big difference B’Elanna!”
“You weren’t the only one who lost that baby Captain! Chakotay lost it too, have you even seen him since the day he brought you home? He is falling apart, he loves you more than anything always has and always will, but you are pushing him away like you are pushing all of us away. We need you; your strength is what has gotten us this far. Without if we would have landed on the closest planet to resemble Earth. You brought Naomi a home, without her father who knows what kind of emotional trauma that would have brought her. And Samantha, you let her have Naomi on the ship when you knew it wasn’t a place for a child to grow up. Tom and I would have never fell in love and gotten married, and now we have a beautiful daughter. I could name every member of the crew and how you helped them, now it is our turn to repay you. Why don’t you come back to us? “
B’Elanna and Janeway are now both crying she struck a cord, which was what she was trying to do. Janeway walks up to B’Elanna and gives her a gentle hug as the baby lays sleeping in her mother’s arms. When the embrace brakes Janeway strokes the child’s face and she opens her eyes.
“Why don’t you hold her Captain? She is your Godchild, you named her, and I want her to know that you will always be there for her.”
Janeway wipes tears from her eyes, and takes the Kaliyah into her arms. Somehow holding that precious baby was comforting.
“You and Chakotay can try again in a few weeks. But you must let him back into your life. Listen to him hear what he has to say.”
Later that night after spending hours talking and holding Kaliyah, Janeway’s depression was lifted. What ever B’Elanna said to her allowed him to return to the arms of his lover. Although they knew that it would still be a difficult journey Chakotay knew that the worst was over. And in time things would be back to normal, the way they were before the baby came along.
TBC… “I Surrender” (Will be out soon)
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