| Thank you so much for this site. I never imagined that i would ever have to live without my parents. This is the single biggest mistake anyone can make. We are meant to lose our parents. That's the way the world was designed. The only advice I can give is to those out there who still have both parents. Love them like there's no tomorrow. Don't leave anything unsaid. Take every moment and hold on to it so you never forget, because one day it will be all you have and in time that will be all you need. I don't know how long that takes but I have faith I will get there. It has to get better. It has to get better and it will. Mally Kaz, I'd like to thank you for creating the sight that helps others "voice" what they're feeling when it feels like no one else in the world wants to listen. On March 12, 2002 I lost my loving father unexpectedly at the much too young age of 56. I sympathize with all of the others out there who has also lost a parent as I truly know how much it hurts; and even though everyone tells you it gets easier, I honestly can say it doesn't. Every day is a reminder of how cruel life can be, and even though you try to carry on with everyday life of working, being a parent, etc... there is always something to remind you. There are 2 other children besides me who barely left home before his passing to appreciate the things he sacrificed to raise them, there was a grand child on the way who will never see him and 2 others who constantly still ask after two years, "why did my grandpa have to die?" My eyes fill with tears and I have to overcome my anger and tell them that god took him for a reason although I don't believe it myself. What makes my situation a little different is that I am not certain what happened to my father. He had been hospitalized two weeks previous for pneumonia and was home for 6 days when he started vomiting and passing out. Upon delivery to the ER he claimed he felt a little better but was going to be admitted. While my step-mother carried his belongings out to the vehicle she came back in only to find the medical personnel standing over him and doing CPR. That morning was the last time I spoke to my father alive....when I arrived to the ER we were not allowed to visit him even though they said his body was shutting down and that he was not going to make it. Why they did not know. Everyday I find myself sitting in the chair with those words running through my mind over and over...imagining what I could've said or done differently. An autopsy was performed by the hospital and came back claiming he had 4th stage cancer in his lungs, heart, liver, kidneys and adrenal glands. I can't help but think there's more to this than what they're telling me, but without the finances available to exhume him and have another autopsy performed, it is their word against ours. He had been seeing a physician regularly since his quadruple heart bi-pass in December of 1999. I constantly think about what he had to go through in his final hours with no family support allowed. No one to hold his hand, no one to tell him it's alright to go, no one to say "I'm here, and so are ALL of your children!" To have to be alone and when your whole family is there is an unimaginable kind of anger. I've tried seeking help to get me through the grieving process but with no avail. I feel that they tell me what comes out of their text books because without losing a parent, there's no way they know how I feel. I now suffer from anxiety and panic attacks almost daily but continue to work and continue with my life knowing that is what my father would've wanted. Even some of the strongest medicines doesn't give you the answer you need to move on. I'd like to hear from others with these circumstances to see how they're dealing with their loss. Sincerely, Sherry I just wanted to say thank you for putting this site together. It seems to comfort the hurting soul to read the stories of others, to know that one is not alone in this world that hurts. I'm Allison and I'm 21. My dad passed away in October from an ATV accident. My dad was my best friend and the only person in the world that understood my way of thinking. I was walking home from class that day, andI checked my messages on my phone. There was one from my mom, which was unheard of when she was at work. Than I got a hold of her. All she said was that dad was on his way to the hospital. The medics didn?t tell her anything. To find out he flew off his four wheel, crushing his left side, breaking all his ribs, punchering both lungs. The trauma to his body caused lack of oxygen to his brain for over 8 minutes while he was being life flighted. When I got to the hospital, my mom was in the private ER family room and the doctors were waiting for me to get there. As the doctor told me that no one had every serivoed those injurys, I said some nasty things back. I cursed the world and God. I curse the doctors for being dumb and I cursed myself. Mom and I spent 3 nights and days by dads side as they did test after test on him. Family flew in from Florida, Texas, Washington, Romaina, and everywere else. It was the first time in over 25 years that all of dads 7 siblings were together. For 3 nights I sat by my fathers bedside talking to him and sleeping with my head on his bed. I prayed for a miracle. Than on the second day I reliazed that it wasn?t going to happen. My dad had 2 transplants one in 82 and one in 02. Those were his miracles. So it was at this time that I would lend myself to the hands of the Lord. I went and started to care for the other family in ICNS unit. I was the one to make the call to take him off life support as my mother and I watched for 5 hours as his lungs struggled to sustain him. We were already told he was brain dead, and if we left him on the machine he would never talk again or move on his own. That wasn?t my dad, so I said he would be better in Heaven than in a hospital bed. Those five hours off the machine haunt my dreams and my days. The sounds and sights of that room fill my days. But when he passed on I felt lighting off my body as if he was saying it would be fine. The next three days are blur. There were so many people around, but I didn?t talk to them. I just sat and stared out the window. I helped plan the service. Dad was cremated, that?s what he wanted. I gave the eulogy. They said there was over 500 people there, I only saw my dad sitting there. They sat I had the streght of hundard troops as I stood at told of my dad. I don?t remember, I don?t know what I said. I just listened to my mothers laughter and heard my fathers voice saying ?Its Ok pumpkin the pain will be over soon. I took a week off of classes and stayed for a month at my parents. It will be 4 months on Feb 11, and I?m so lost in this world. People ask how I?m doing? I just smile. I?ve taken up a few more bad habits. I?ve been doing what a lot of people do to deal with pain, I drink a lot and I?m addicted to sleeping drugs, over the counter ones and prescription. But no one has noticed, they think I?m strong. I did continue to stay on the deans list for another semester. Right now? how am I?. Well I?m dealing, some days are bad, and some are better. I just wanted to tell you my story, because talking about it seems to put a smile on my face with all the wonderful memories of my dad. So thank you for listening, and God bless you and your sister. Allison Hi Kaz, I recently found your website while surfing online, and it has been such a comforting resource for me during these past few weeks. My mom passed away almost a week ago from cancer. I am 18 years old and I'm taking a quarter off of college in order to deal with the loss. I cried a LOT at the funeral, in fact I could not stop crying, but since then, I have been trying not to think about my mom not being here, so that I can get through the day. I live with my grandma and it is so hard for her that she pretends that she is fine. Our family, including my mom's brother, has been very supportive, but it is hard for them too. Me and my mom were so close. My parents got divorced when I was a baby, and my mom raised me mostly herself, so we were closer than most mothers and daughters are. She was like my best friend; if everything else was going wrong in my life, I knew I could always count on her to be there and stroke my hair and let me lean on her shoulder and cry. My mom was an extremely loving person, and was fiesty, creative, and a great cook too. During the past ten years, she became the matriarch in our family. My mom was the pillar. She was and is still such a huge presence in my life that I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that she is gone forever. Out of everyone in my life, why did she have to die? I miss her so much everyday, and everyone keeps telling me that I will get through this, because my mom's love will always be with me. However, it is so hard to convince myself that I;ll be okay. I can't imagine her not being here, which is why I havent' been able to accept it yet. I'm so afraid of what's going to happen when the realness of it all kicks in. Though me and my grandma are close also, I feel so alone without my mom. I wish I could have just talked to her before she died; when I came home she was already not able to speak. It has been so rough dealing with her illness these last months, as she was in a lot of pain and she was so frustrated that she wouldn't be able to see me get married or meet her grandchildren. I wish I could just spend one more day with my mom, like the way she was before she got sick. Thanks for creating this website, it has made me feel better knowing that there are others out there who know how it feels to loose someone you love so much. I'm just trying to take it day by day, and eventually get on with my life like I know my mom would havewanted me to. Shani Hi, I just lost my Dad on Feb/ 1/2004. My Mom died June 19, 1989. We I read your story one sentence really struck me. When you lose one parents you lose a person, when you lose both parents you lose your family. Sometimes I feel numb, sometimes I feel nothing but tears, and other times I feel like I'm floating along neither here or there. My father died suddenly of a massive heart attack, my mother from complications of her diabetes. I too have diabetes and a heart condition. The doctors have doubled all my meds for now. What can I expect in the months to come? Thank you and bless you, Janet HI, Thank you so much for putting this site together. I lost my father to lung cancer on October 24, 2003. Growing up I was always daddy's little girl. He worked a lot so I always cherished his time. When I went out to visit him in January of last year, he didn't seem like himself. He was withdrawn, not making his usual jokes. At the end of Feb, he was being rushed in for emergency brain surgery. My fiance and I flew out that night so I could be with him the morning before surgery - Just in case. He survived the surgery like a star. He was back to his normal tricks. Planning pranks on the nurses, and teasing my mom. We found out a couple weeks later that he lung cancer. I was so upset. I spent a couple weeks with him, being sure to tell him how much I loved him, and sharing all my favorite stories. In March, his port that was put in got infected, and put my dad in a coma. We didn't think he would make it, but he had a goal, he wanted to walk me down the isle in August, and nothing was going to stop him. He survived. I flew out in May to rescue him from poppy prision. A rehab center that he had to stay in while he recovered from the illness. He hated it so much, but was such a good sport. I would pick him up everyday, and take him out all day, so he only had to sleep there. We continued to be intentional about our relationship... laughing, singing, telling stories. I am so grateful for that time. My dad was fortunate enough to go into remission. In August, he was well enough to come out to CA for my wedding. He walked me down the isle, got to see the place I was moving into, and danced on last dance with my mom. He got to play a lot of golf, and enjoyed some time with his two best friends. At the beginning of October, I got the call that there was nothing more they could do. The cancer was back, he had another brain tumor, and this time it wouldn't respond. He was going into hospice. He asked me to come home and take care of him. He needed me there for him to be able to go home, imagine how much courage it must have taken him to ask his daughter to take care of him. I took him out everyday to my grandmothers for eggs and bacon. We went out for beer with his friends, his last week of life he was living! It was the last day my dad talked that I took him into the hospice center. After so many tears, the nurse convinced me that he needed to go in, I had no idea that it would be the last time he would be at home. The last words my dad said were "I love you" and he puckered his lips for a good night kiss. I feel so blessed to have gotten that from him. He went into a coma that night. I was beside myself, he was just standing up and talking, I never imagined it would happen so fast. He held my hand the whole next day. Everytime I would try to get up, he would squeeze tighter. I just kept reassuring him that his family was there, and we wouldn't leave him. My sister and I sat with him and sang oldies to him. The music he loved so much, and gave us an appreciation for. That night my husband arrived. My dad opened his eyes when he said hello, he nodded at him, squeezed his and began his journey. He died the next night. There is really no words that describe watching your father die. You take care of them like they did when you were a baby. An amazing gift of gratitude that we can give them. I feel so grateful that I got to spend some intentional time with my dad. I thoguth that I had told him everything, but of course now I think of so many more things I wanted to thank him for. Anyway, thanks for the site, and listening to my story. It is comforting to know there are other 26yr olds going through similar experiences. It is never easy, but it helps to have a community of understanding. Thanks again, Jane Hi, I would like to share my story with you. I lost my father to lung cancer when I was thirteen years old. This was the first time that I had lost anyone really close to me. My whole world was shattered by this incident. Unfortunately, I did not live in the same state as my father. I remember being awakened by my mother at 3:00 in the morning. I knew right away why I she woke me up. All I remember was having a feeling of emptiness and feeling like I didn't know my Father like a son should. Due to my Dad and my step-dad both being in the Air Force, I did not see my Father for two years previous to his death, which explains my feelings of emptiness. The other feeling I remember is being gathered at the house with my family and friends of my Dad, and being so angry at everyone for being so joyful. I thought to myself, "How can they even laugh at a time like this." Now I realize that they were celebrating my Dad's life, not disrespecting him. The reason I wanted to write this story is because it has been 18 years since my Dad died, and until about 2 months ago, I hadn't had any closure with his death. For years I put his death on the side and did not deal with it. I thought that if I didn't address it, that the problem would go away. I was so wrong! I didn't realize that I hadn't had any closure until I started to feel angry towards my Father, which puzzled me since I had not felt this way before. That's when I knew that I needed to get through this. I would advise anyone who has lost a loved one to address the situation head on, and don't put it on the side and think that you will deal with it later. Before you know it, 18 years have passed and you cannot lead a normal life and you continue to struggle with other facets of your life, but you don't know why. Just remember that it will get easier once you have closure with the death. Getting through the death will of course hurt like hell, but not dealing with the death and allowing yourself to grieve will ultimately be more harmful to you in the long run. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story. Patrick I recently lost my mother and feel I am going crazy. I never ever thought that there was pain like this. Thank you for sharing your story. Even though it was so painful to read, it helped me. Thank you. Michele Hello. My name is Megan and I am 12 years old. I lost my dad a little over a year ago on November 4th, 2002. He was one of my favorite people in the world and for a while, when i first moved to where i am now, i didn't have that many friends. He was always there to cheer me up. But there was a problem. He didn't really feel loved. It seemed like no matter how many times we told him how much we loved him, he didn't seem to know for himself. Finally, him and his wife got a house about 5 miles away from us so that we could spend more time with them and know eachother better. See, my parents got divorced when i was about 6 or 7 and things weren't really that close with me and my dad. We didn't get to see eachother but only every other weekend and every tuesday. But it was weird because when i was there, it felt like i had never left and that was home to me, of course. Well, like i said life was finally looking better but then the night after we left his house for the weekend, we got a phone call on Monday, november 4th. It was about 10:00pm and his wife called. My mom answered because we were in bed but my dad's wife was crying on the other end. Soon, both my older sister (15 years old-3 years older) and i heard my mom sobbing in her room. We both went in to see what was wrong and my mom told us to go back into our room and she will come tell us in a while. So a few minutes past and my mom came in. "girls",she said. "that was Tammy. Something very bad has happened". Well my mom's health int all that great or wasn't at the time and so me and my sister thought she had cancer or something bad like that. But what we heard was a completely different thing. "oh god", she continued.. "i dot know how to say this but.. Your dad has.. Shot himself" Instantly Nancie (my sister) started bursting out in tears. Me on the other hand, I was in shock! I didn't cry. In fact i didn't say anything. I just sat there on my bed with eyes wide open not believing. Hoping i would wake up from this horrible dream. But i didn't and its been over a year and i still cry at least once every two days. I cant help it. I miss him more than anything and the worst part is my friends dot understand at all. They still make jokes when i am around about killing people or they will say,"go shoot yourself". I always cry when they say that because they should know not to.. i just wish they understood. I wish everyone did. Your websight made it easier for me to deal with it. I see now that other people are dealing with the same kind of thing that i am, only in different ways. There are people out there who care.. I just wish my dad could see that. Please respond back and give me advise on what i should do or something.. i dot know but thank you for listening. Thank you so much! God bless you! -Megan~Age 12- Dear Kaz, I was heartbroken when I read your story and I cried. I lost my father in September in a car accident. My mother was driving and fell asleep at the wheel. He was 58. I have often thought what if they both died? Or even now, just thinking about my mom. What it is like to be in a world without your parents. Losing one is hard enough. What I mean to say as that I have thought about that place you are in, and it feels scary and incredibly painful. I am so sorry. I just wanted you to know that your story touched me deeply. Compassion & Hope, Meg Daughter of Harry F. Geair First of all, I just want to say that I think your website is so comforting. I sometimes forget that there are other people in the same position as me. I'm 15 and I lost my 51 year old mother to ovarian cancer about a month ago. I am so heartbroken. She fought the disease for 18 months and I can't help but wonder whether I have been scarred mentally. I'm bitter about everything and the worst thing is that I clam up whenever people try and talk to me about the ordeal: I just don't like being reminded that she's gone. I know everyone says this about their parent, but my mum was so special. She wouldn't hurt a fly. She was so full of life and she was my best friend. I just get so angry that she's not here anymore. She suffered so much, and it's not fair. She was the last person on earth who could ever deserve to die so young of such a painful disease. Anyway, your website made me cry and I want to thank you for that. Tears are so healing. Thank you x I really enjoyed your site. Was wondering if you could possibly shed some light on a difficult situation. I am 25 and moved to New York City a few months ago to intern at an international art magazine. It was supposed to be a very good opportunity for me professionally, but was very difficult at first ... Ididn't know anyone here, the internship paid a tiny stipend so I had to seek out part-time restaurant work, I've been living off of credit cards, etc. Anyway, to move to New York in the first place and pursue some kind of career in the arts is difficult in itself and requires a lot of courage. At the same time that I did this (back in May), I had also been corresponding with a guy online because I liked his writing ... he edited a literary journal out of Seattle. This correspondence eventually led to romantic attachment for both of us ... he visited me in New York four times throughout the summer before he eventually moved here. He has been here for a month now. This is supposed to be a wonderful thing, but is also a pretty stressful and intense way to have met your boyfriend. Two weeks before my boyfriend was to move to New York and my internship was supposed to end, my father was killed in a car accident. He and I were very close. I saw him five days before the accident on my first trip back home, and actually had a strange feeling afterward that I would never see him again. I have no way of explaining that other than our close connection. I had no idea it would happen so soon, though, nor that it would be by random accident. Okay, this is getting to be longer than I thought. To sum things up, I am back in the city at the end of a disappointing and fruitless internship (moneywise). I spend all of my time with a boyfriend who moved across the country just to be near me after meeting me online. He and I both know very few people here. The majority of our relationship everyday here has consisted of me being sad and him trying to support me (and both of us pretty much being flat broke). I can barely deal with the stress of most of this, and my family has been very supportive, but they are going through theirt own grief. They are not as open about it as I am. That makes it difficult to talk to them sometimes. My friends back home don't know what to do, it is almost like they are afraid. My younger brother and I (he is 23) had to be in charge of the funeral and everything else because my parents divorced when I was very young. My father never remarried, so my brother and I are his only family. My mother has my step-dad, but I think she feels guilty that my brother and I had to go through a divorce and now this -- like somehow this is her fault. I don't think that I can bear seeing a therapist about this. When I was in high school, all the repressed anger I kept inside for years about my parents' divorce, my mother's remarriage and my horrible relationship with my step-father started to show itself through depression. Instead of voicing my feelings, I felt very helpless and didn't want to upset anyone, so I pretty much just collapsed emotionally from time to time. My mother then carted me around to different doctors who all said different things and prescribed different medications. One doctor had me on nine medications at one point. None of them helped because the problem was psychological, not physiological. I find that most therapists just want easy answers and to medicate. As a result of this experience, I really don't trust them very much. I'm at a stage in my life right now where I need to be independent (especially after getting myself free of my mom's ideas about therapy -- I mean that was going on for seven years). My brother and I are extremely close and the two people who are supposedly suffering the most from this ... but I find that he is trying to be strong on the surface and not show how much he is hurting. He only really shows anger and talks about legal issues regarding the family responsible for this (it was a 16-year old girl driving an SUV who ran a red light and hit my father's car -- nobody in her car was injured). Do you have any suggestions at all? I really appreciate even the smallest idea as to what I could better do to support myself. I have become very good at taking care of myself (mainly as a means of getting free of parents and doctors who were wrong about what was best for me). Most people tell me that I seem very old for my age and I believe it is because of that experience. But it still doesn't prepare me for grieving for my father ... which of course makes me feel just like a little girl. Thank you for any ideas you might have, Laura Hi, i'm a psychology student and an ex boyfriend of mine whom i hadn't seen all summer has recently told me his father died in the Iraq war. The person that i am i tried to help an talk to him, reason why i'm studying this subject, but whatever i said to him wasn't enough and i just wasn't saying the right things. I'm sorry if this is innappropriate to ask you, as you probably don't get these types of emails, but how do you suggest i approach him? what do i say to him? there has been nothing on my course that has covered such a situation and i want to help. my head's telling me to leave him alone because i can see that he's hurting but i can't just leave someone like that, on their own like that. I guess the thing that is wanting me to help, my mum lost her mother at the age of 10 an i still see my mother hurting. Is there any advice that you can give me? Thank you Suzanne Hello, I was looking through some of my bookmarked sites and found this one.I guess my Brother had placed it here for me, I first want to say thank you for the site.It is a blessing to many.My story is about the same as most I read.I have lost both of my parents.My Dad was 61 when he was told he had cancer.It was terminal.He lived 6 months and 3 weeks after her turned 62 he fell over dead and drowned in his own blood in my Mothers arms.I thought this was the worse thing I would ever experiance in my life.For 8 years I greived his passing.I hated everything that made me think about my loss and never talked about it to anyone. In March this year (2003)My Mother got sick, she wa always healthy but never the same after my Dad passed away.March 31 I followed the ambulance to hoslital with her in it.That day I was told she has cancer.I was told she had 4-12 weeks to live. I will never be the same.My Brother and I took care of her for 7 weeks 24 hours a day 7 days a week.She always said she will beat this and so I never got to say goodbye to her because I dodnt want to make her sad by talking this. I watched my Mother who I loved more than my life go from 160 pounds to 80 pounds.Cancer took everything from her She had lung, liver, bone,organ and lastly the last week of her life brain cancer.I watched this daily take her from me.On May 20 7 weeks after we found out she died in my arms. It has been almost 5 weeks and I am no better now than I was when it first happened.I still cry daily I cant understand this.I cant seem to come out of this any at all.My Mother was 66.I think it was the suffering she did.Now I find out her and my dad both died of asbestos cancer. The reason I write this is because I just need to say she died, I cant seem to say it in words so maybe by writting this I can at least say it in some way.I do not think I will ever pass through this and I can never be happy again, however I did notice a lot on your site is what I am passing through now. Thanks for letting me say this Robyne I'm basically going through phases 1 - 6 on an everyday basis right now. I've gotten slightly better than the very initial phase (my father passed almost six weeks ago now). I can manage to "appear fine" on the outside. However, my house looks like a hurricane hit it inside, and I can't seem to get back to doing normal things, nor can I seem to stop these spending binges. That's something completely "out of character" for me, as I'm typically one of these incredibly "frugal" people. I've decided to go by the doctor's office sometime this week, and ask for some help. I know I need to get on something, at least long enough to get back into life again. (The way it's going, that might be years!) Anyway, I had to write you to say THANK YOU. I have this annoying little habit of withdrawing terribly inside my shell whenever anything's bothering me, and I've done it again. I don't really have any friends, because I've never allowed others to get that close to me. And now I probably need them more than ever, but have nobody to turn to. My father was one of the only people in the world who truly understood me, and now he's gone, also. When I found your webpage , I felt like I'd found somebody who knows what it feels like to go through this incredibly painful experience. I wish I could find a way to ease the pain, but nothing is doing that. Everytime I try, I end up feeling more empty than before. Something's got to give, before I give out! But at least now I have a way to put into words some of the grief stages I've been going through. Thank you for that, and helping me to realize I'm not totally insane, but human. Sincerely, Jen Hi Kaz. My name is Carson. I lost my father suddenly 9 years ago when I was 22 years old, one week prior to my college graduation. He was 53 and died of a heart attack while running. He was in great physical shape (or so we thought) and was an excellent competitive runner. I went into shock at first and then I was very angry at the world. I also felt that during this time I had no one else to turn to. My mother and younger sister were grieving in their own way and we could not help each other. I did not know of anyone who lost a parent this young either, so I had no one to talk to who could really understand me. I also moved a long way from home and started dental school 3 months later. This was an extremely tough time for me. Not only was I trying to deal with my grief, but I had a very challenging acedemic workload to manage as well. I also managed to alienate most of my friends that I made because I was just so damn miserable all the time. I finally sought help through counseling and that helped me because I had someone to talk to who would listen to me and help me analyze what I was going through. It took me almost 3 years to finally start feeling like myself again. The sudden death of my father left me changed forever though, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about him-even 9 years later. I have since gotten married and had a baby boy-who I named after my dad. He was not there to walk me down the aisle, or see his first grandchild born. Times like those I miss him the most. It is just so unfair that he cannot be here to share those special moments. I would like to offer some hope to others, you will get through this, it does get better. You learn how to cope and live your life after the loss although at first it seems impossible. You don't ever forget the loss, you just learn how to live with it and eventually come to accept it. I had to let my father go, and when I was finally ready to do that, the healing began. However, with any serious wound, it may eventually heal but there will always be a scar. I know I have healed but I am definitely scarred. I am better but I am forever changed by this. One thing for certain, I do appreciate the great gift of life that we all have, I take time to "smell the roses" and the "little things" no longer bother me. I am glad that I at least learned that lesson. It was one of the best (and last) lessons dad could have taught me. Thanks for letting me share my feelings on your website. A little over a month ago my mom was killed in a car accident. I was with her the morning of the accident. We were together the morning of the accident on our way to work at this house we had been painting for a couple of days. We were at the light and it had changed and when it changed green we went and a dump truck had ran the red light without even trying to stop. He had hit us on the driver side door. This had happened in town and in the busy part of town at that. I don't remember any of the accident or even any of that morning and a little bit of the night before. I was knocked unconscience and my mom was basically killed instantly. She died from a fractured skull and a punctured lung. I had suffered from a brain injury and some bruises and a broken arm. The hospital had kept me in a coma for about 3 or 4 days. The guy had spent a little bit of time in jail and was bonded out a couple days later, we don't know when the trial is going to be or what is even going to happen. We all pray that he will get what is coming to him because he has other charges which he had ran before he was charged with anything. He had no license and no cdl to be driving that dump truck, which was overloaded. So the company will also be being charged with giving him a job for knowing what kind of a person he was. So back to my mom we all miss her so very much, there is going to be so much that she will not be able to see. For instance, my sister is pregnant and she had not yet found out the sex of the baby, and my mom was so excited about having another grandbaby on the way. So now she will not be able to be there to see her grandson or granddaughter being born. I also have a son which she would babysat for me and go down to her house to swim. He loved spending time with his mama and papa. Now his memory of her is very little anymore in this short amount of time he is only two years old. He will ask about her sometimes when papa comes around to visit with him. There were so many people who she knew and was friends with who came to the funeral. I was in the hospital and they had given me a pass to go out for a while to attend the funeral for a short amount of time. I don't remember going there or coming home, but I do remember being there and seeing her just one more time before they had buried her. No one in our family is going to be the same again all of the way, because there will always be a certain part of us missing. We all loved her very dearly and we will always miss her. She will always be in our hearts and in our prayers. We know she is always looking down on us and she will make sure she doesn't miss the birth of my sisters baby and my son doing all of his growing up. She was only 40 and it is just so sad that this tragedy had to happen so soon in her life. I pray every night now and talk to god about keeping us safe, and while I am praying I talk to her and tell her the same and to watch over all of us and to keep us all safe. I hope all of this email makes sense to you and I hope that I remembered everything. Hope to hear back from you soon. Thank You So Much, Ashley and family I love your website and am so glad to find others that are going through the same pain that I am. My name is Robin and I lost my mama 4 months ago. She died on May 7, 2003, 2 weeks after my first child was born. What should have been the happiest time of my life, turned into a nightmare! I am only 26 years old and my mom was 58. My mama survived cancer when she was 38 and a week before she died, she had been diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. No big deal, right? She went in to have the lump removed on May 5. It was a day surgery and she went home that afternoon. I stayed with her for a few hours until her best friend could come back to take care of her. I had to get home to my baby girl because both my mother-in-law and my husband had to be at work the next day. The next day, she called me and said she didn't feel good, had no energy, and just hurt! I figured the pain and the not feeling well were from the surgery and the energy was because she wasn't eating much. I told her to eat and to let me know if she needed me to come get her (I wanted her to come home with me after her surgery, but she wanted her own bed). That night, my mama's best friend called me and said they were at the ER and they thought she had developed a blood clot that went to her lungs. My first question was "Is she going to die?" I was scared to death, but her friend said she didn't think so. My husband and I hurriedly got everything together and grabbed the baby and we were on our way to the hospital. My mama was in ICU all night and the next day. At noon, the dr.'s told us they were going to run some tests and see what all was going on because her body was doing things that didn't make sense. At 3:00 p.m. on May 7, the dr. came back and said the words that changed my life forever: "Your mother has lung cancer." He said that because of her failing kidneys and heart, chemo and radiation would do nothing and that she was going to die very soon. I lost it. I started sobbing uncontrollably and almost passed out. I mean, how could she die of lung cancer the day she was diagnosed? I'd never heard of such a thing! My mother-in-law was in the waiting room with my daughter and my brother's MIL had to go get her for me because I was losing it bad. My MIL called my husband to come (he was at work) and she called my best friend to come to me, too. My first thought was that I didn't want to live without my mama, without my best friend! I had a brand new baby girl and a husband I loved dearly, but my mama had been my whole world for a very long time. She raised my brother and me by herself from the time I was 8 months old. She remarried when I was 2, but she was the one taking care of us almost exclusively. My step-dad traveled a lot, so it was just us most of the time. I was always a mama's girl and I wanted to be just like her. When she and my step-dad divorced, she was very upset and my husband and I would hang out with her a lot and watch movies and play games with her. In 1999, my brother had a daughter and she was the light of mine and my mama's lives. We loved her sooo much. When she was a year old, she started staying with my mama on weekends and my husband and I would go visit them a lot. Almost all of my memories for the last 3 years include time spent with my mama, my niece, and my husband. We had so much fun and she couldn't wait until my baby was born. She loved my Ashlyn so much. I'm so glad they got to spend 2 weeks together and they did because I had severe post-partum depression so my mama came to keep me company and help with the baby. My baby only got to go to grandma's house one time and that was 4 days before she died. We were so looking forward to Christmas this year. It would be mine and my brother's new baby girl's first Christmas and it was going to be so much fun, going to Grandma's house! I'll never eat my mama's turkey and dressing again and open presents with her. It hurts so bad that my baby won't know what a wonderful grandma she had! We had to take her off the respirator and that was the hardest decision I ever had to make. My brother was so strong for me and made a lot of decisions that I could not. I don't know what I would have done without him. My mama was an only child, and so when her mama died, she had to make all of the decisions herself (only 6 years ago!). I miss her so bad it's a physical ache. I can't imagine my life without her. I'm lucky I got 26 years with her, but I wanted 30 more! Everyone in my family lives to a ripe old age, usually around 90! Why couldn't she have? I don't understand why, when I was so happy with a family of my own, she had to die! She truly was my best friend in the whole world! I am loving being a mom to a daughter of my own, but I have this hole in my heart that will always belong to my mama. Now, my hopes and dreams have changed a bit. My goal is to be the kind of mother my mama was. I want to be open-minded and let my kids fly, but also pack the parachute! I want my children to always be able to come to me when they have a problem or need to talk, the way I did with my mama. And when my girl(s) are older (adults themselves), I want them to consider me one (if not THE) of their best friends. I don't want to be my kids' best friend when they are kids because that isn't what parenting is about, but once I'm no longer "the boss", I want us to be very close. It's very important for me to someday have that same close mother/daughter relationship with my own daughter(s) that I no longer can have with my mama. I know there are a lot worse tragedies in life than losing a parent. Parents are supposed to die before their kids. That is the natural order of things. But it's so darn hard! Especially when they die young! We kids learn to depend on them and then someday (sometimes too soon), they are gone and it's like being a fish out of water! I'm sorry this is so long, but I had to write everything I was feeling! I'm so glad I found this site. Your parents must be so proud of you! Sincerely, Robin Hi Kaz, There doesn't seem to be many recent additions to your contributions but I thought I'd try writing anyway...I am 25 and I lost my father suddenly on June 24, 2003 and haven't allowed mysef to deal with it until today. My father was diagnosed with mantle cell leukemia (which according to the leukemia societies website is a fast moving cancer with no effective treatment) about four years ago. Since then he has fought it and conventional medicine by refusing chemo/bone marrow transplants and instead using natural methods, exercise, a healthy diet and an interesting but non-commercial "drug" called 714x. He was already a very healthy and strong person before the cancer but I must admit that his unconventional efforts were very admirable. I could see the illness in him because he had an enlarged spleen and was more gaunt and tired but he could still do more hard-labour than I could. He loved life and was very angry that it was going to be cut short. Ironically, it was not the cancer that killed him though. My father is a pilot and has a four seater plane that he adored. I remember hearing him leave early in the morning as he was going on a little trip. I actually saw him in my half-sleepy haze rushing around getting his things in order. About an hour later I received a phone call. My father's airplane had crashed into a large body of water. Search and rescue was there but they did not find the airplane for atleast six hours and they did not find my father until late in the evening. All of this time I had been preparing for cancer to take him away but instead it happened in one of the few places I felt he was safest. He was a fighter till the end since he successfully ditched the plane in the lake and actually had time to exit the plane and close the door behind him. He was still wearing his sunglasses when they found him. He died of hypothermia. I take solice in knowing that he died peacefully, doing what he loved and in a lake that has ties to his home. I derive understanding in that it was his time to go no matter what, as he already had cancer and I was in the airplane with him the previous day (it could have happened then but I don't think it was my time...). I am happy that he did not have to suffer like so many others, in pain and in the discomfort and unfamiliarity of a hospital bed. Still, the pain for me is real. I am an only child. Luckily my parents were divorced so the impact, though hard on my mother, does not require me to keep her going. I have not really cried (I too, to my horror, laughed a lot the week he died, even the day he was missing - it's a very bizarre thing!). Lately, I can feel my chest tightening even though I am not thinking about anything. It affects me and as a result the people around me. I don't want to destroy the relationships that I have but sometimes I just become a zombie and can't snap out of it. I have decided today to allow myself to cry, to seek out others who have endured the same thing as me and to hopefully as a result, let go of my father (but not forget!). Thanks for telling your story and posting those of others. I don't know anyone personally who has experienced the same thing and quite frankly, until you experience it yourself, you just can't comprehend. Thanks for the opportunity to tell my story. It feels good to acknowledge the event and release some of the tension. Juli. I came across your site tonight adn just wantd to express my thanks. I lost my dad 16 months ago he went to work and didn't come homehe had a heart attack and died. I have coped ok until recently, I feel that I am at the angry stage. Your page has helped me to realise that there are lots of people in the same boat as me. I am a bit older than teh other on your site (32) but my siblings are younger than I. Anyway thank you so much. Kirsten I am still in the process of digesting the reality that my father is dying and only has a few months to live. I have cried some, but not enough. I have tried opening up but feel a sense of rejection because I cannot find someone who understands this type of pain. My mother is taking care of my step-father who is also terminally ill so I am less opt to turn to her. Just can't seem to figure out how I am going to get through this and am having trouble getting through the day. I know I will be fine in the long run; I always am. But it's getting through this that I feel like I can't do. Just had to tell someone. Thanks for you site. Elizabeth It has been months & 25 days since I lost my mother. She was my world, still is. She died due to complications of Multiple Sclerosis. I know she is not in pain any more. But I would give anything to see her once more and tell her how much I miss and love her. Every day is a struggle. It doesn't get easier, even though I was told it would. All of the people who where there the first week, are no longer around. I do not spend everyday at the cemetery any more, so I guess that is a step in the right direction. I am 24 years old and have dealt most of my life with a mother who was sick. I rarely if ever talked about it amongst friends or family. It was a shock to most people close to me. But, now it is in the open and everyone treats you differently. You are the person whose mother was taken at such an early age. They feel pity upon you. All I want is my mother back for 1 day. Thank you for creating this website. It feels good knowing there is more people out there going through this and feeling this way Gina Hi... My name is Courtney, I am 15 years old and just recentaly lost my father 2 months ago from brain cancer. It's hard to lose a father at a young age, i have a younger sister who is only 13, my father died 5 days after her birthday, he was 41. Experiencing the loss, and coping with it is the hardest thing i will ever have to do in my life. For a year, i watched my father gradualy get sicker, and then die. I think of my father everyday. I never forget the little jokes he made. My father was a strong man. He faught, and faught... doctors asid he lived longer than they actually thought he would. the weekend my father died i was up in Buffalo, visiting my boyfriends grandma. later that night i recieved a phone call from my sister that goes to a college near by... she said "court, mom said he's not going to make the night." She picked me up adn took her to her dorm. we recieved another phone call with the news. It wasn't fair, i never got to say goodbye. We drove home with some friends at 3 in the morning. i didn't sleep the whole way. Watching my father get week, and watching him cry during his illness was EXTREMELY hard on me, fathers are supposed to be the strong ones. One day he just stopped crying he was too weak. I remember feeding him breakfast, and helping to take care of him with my mother. I remember how his image changed from medications. He looked horrible. My father died about 3 days before my sophomore year in highschool. It wasn't fair... the timing was just not right. Sorry if it's long, PLEASE take time to read my message. thank you for all of your help. -Courtney My father died very suddenly from cancer eight weeks ago. Your website is the first website ive ever logged onto as im not at all computer literate or orientated. However i felt as though i needed to see for myself that there are other people out there that have been through and survived what im going through. your website is very touching and comforting and i admire your strength to have been able to create it thankyou Lisa Just wanted to express my deep sorrow for all the young people who have lost thier family.I understand how hard it is to believe that they are not with us now.I lost my mom a little over a year now.This will be the second christmas without her.It is heartwrenching and sad to live without her.My mother had a hard life.She was a survivor and strong.I used to think she wasnt and i gave her a hard time because she had her faults.Now i feel so remorseful of all those times.All she wanted to do was live her life.She survived cancer twice or more only to drown in a ditch of water.Her last day was a happy one thank god.All the ladys at the beauty parlor said she was joking and happy.That is the only consolation i have that she died only hours later.It makes me cry to think about that day.I talked to her on the phone,she hung up and then got into the car and went off the road across the street from the house she lived in for 25 yrs.The water was only 4 ft deep and she was deathly afraid of water.It is heartbreaking to think of her last thoughts her last breath her heart stopping beating........and i miss her more than life itself and am deeply sorrowful.I had no idea how bad it feels.well its 4 am in the morning ive been up for hours.Its in these hours that i often think about her and i too am resentful of the fact she didnt get to live her life out the way i think she should have.But i do believe that God knows best and there was a reason he took her.I pray shes in heaven thinking of us looking down on us.But i doubt it.I think she isnt feeling sad or hurt or pain.I DO believe that.My deepest sympathy to all of you and God Bless. Nancy My name is Angie, I just lost my mom on June 20, 2003. I lost my dad September 6, 1994. When I lost my dad it hurt badly I was 7 months pregnant and I knew my daddy would never meet his grandson. My mom helped me through his death tremendously. My mom and I became best friends and I promised my daddy that I would take care of her and my brother. I was 21 at the time and my brother was 16. My mom and I became very close, we never did anything without the other. Then February 17, 2003 my mom called me and said she needed to go to the emergency room because she couldn't move her right ankle. That was the start of the terrible nightmare. This is when we found out that she had a brain tumor. She did the surgury, the radiation, and she did get to the point where she could walk again but the tumor was too demanding. The worst thing I have ever had to do in my life was the day before her birthday June 17, 2003 my brother and I had to tell the doctors to stop the medication because it was just prolonging what nature had planned. I am on medication to help me get through the day and I have everyone trying to help but I came across your web site when I was doing a paper for colege and I read it and it helped me because your 1-8 stagies is exactly how I feel. I am very angry and I am trying to do my everyday things but it is so hard. I have a 15 year old, a 9 year old and a 15 month old and they along with my husband are the only reason I get out of bed each morning. But I thought I would just write and let you know that it does help to know that there are others out there that are feeling the same thing I am. thanks Angie Hi , my name is Melissa. I'm 17 years old. I lost my mother on Sept.9 2002.I was 16 at the time. My mothers' name is/was Sherry.We lost her suddenly and not too expectedly.What I mean is that my mother was sick but the Dr. said she was fine at the time.My sister and grandmother and I had a feeling she'd pass on but not THAT soon.It's been a little over a year now and i'm just now coming out of the shock....i think.You see my mom and I were very close.I lived with my mom.So far I've had the anger and sadness and numbness the guilt and regrets....but not in that order and not as long as I'd figured each feeling/emotion would be.I'm kind of confused as to what each emotion is .Sometimes there is more than 1.I'm in counseling with a counselor that was my moms. I just want to thank you for your site.It's the one I've been looking for. Thank You again. Sincerely, Melissa Hello. My name is Destiny. For awhile now, I have been looking for a site that gave me some type of comfort of knowing that I am not the only one that has lost a father, in my case he is my Daddy, at a young age and is going through the pain that is hard to deal with that comes with that type of loss. Until I came across your site. Everything that you listed I have almost gone through. The nightmares, the feeling of abandonment, the feelings of lost and hopelessness. They feel never ending. I feel at times that I am too young to experience this, I was only 19 when he died, I am now 20 going on 21. And like one of your parents, he died the day after my brother's birthday.. His birthday hasn't been the same. Our lives have not been the same since. I think of how when I one day get married he won't be there to give me away, and I also think of how when I have my first born that he won't be there to see her, ( I want a little girl, I want to have one just for him, he loved his girls ) This hurts me alot and there have been times where I have literally screamed out in tears at him, in hopes that he would be listening and asked Why? Why did you leave me? We were so close. I don't understand. I remember when he died, just like you reacted, at first I couldn't cry as I felt that I should have, tears were there, but they felt forced. It felt as if I completely shut down emotionally. I was in shock. I had just seen him that Monday and that Wednesday he was gone. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, I love you, nothing. I do remember though, the day that I saw him, something told me to kiss him and I did, and I remember giving him some pictures of me, and my mother saying to him "Sonny, she's pretty, isn't she?" and he replied by nodding of the head, saying yes. I'll never forget that look he gave me of joy and proudness. He died of heart failure, due to the complications of Diabetes and a previous stroke. He wasn't able to talk anymore and he was paralyzed on the right side of his body. When he did try to talk no one could understand him but me. That's how I knew that me and him were the closest out of all my brothers and sisters. I know that I am probably just rambling on, and I don't mean to. I just haven't really told anyone or talked to anyone that I feel that would truly understand what I have been through, or going through. It's hard. I miss him so much. But, I just wanted to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for making this site to reassure others that even though we feel like we are the only ones, that we aren't and that there are others out there that understand and care. God bless you. And Thanks Again. Sincerely, Destiny GOD BLESS YOU. I just want to let you know that I lost my mother on April 3, 2000. I was having a very rough day today and decided to visit your page. This page was one of the most comforting and relative site that I have seen. I appreciate you sharing your story. My birthday is September 23, however, that seems like it may have been easier to get through as I dread her death date within the next month. My mother died at age 47 after being diagnosed 7 months previous with terminal cancer. My mother and father had finalized their divorce a week before the test results. They had been married for 27 years and mom had found out about my father having an affair for about a year. I think that I am still angry at a lot of things right now. Like you, I didn't cry that much, but now it seems like I cry a lot more. My older brother and I have become very close through the ordeal, but at the same time, he is a little bit more emotional than his younger sister. Sometimes I think it is hard for him to talk about it. Thank you for sharing your story--I just want to hear that it is going to get easier with time. Thanks Ribbit I to was or am still 20 years old when my father passed away and I feel that my life is so incomplete. I never thought I would feel this way. My parents got a divorce when I was three and I saw my dad all the time until he remarried and had children of his own so our visits were cut down to maybe once a year. Then in 1999 he was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer I thought that only happens in other families. It became a horrible reality when i was diagnosed with cancer. My dad seemed so strong he would never let me know he was hurting. My step-mother tried to keep us apart and it apparently worked for him but I was destined to see my father. So I would drive my 2 and a half hours to see him. Oct. 18 my aunt called and told me that he was in the hospital and I asked her if I needed to come down she said no he would soon be released. Isaid i was coming first thing in the morning. She said ok and that was that. Well the next day his conditions got worse and he passed away before I could get there. I felt like such a horrible person. I was in college at the time and still am but the professors did not believe me I was devastated. I had to show them the funeral announcement. I miss my father so much, we were not as close as I wanted to be but I miss his phone calls his laugh, and most of all his smiling face and positive outlook on life until his was so sadly taken away. My stepmother has tried numerous ways to cut me out of my brother and sister's lives but I will not allow. Thanks for listening. CASUser University of North Texas Hi there, I just need to let this out before I totally loose it...I lost my father last February 25, 2001. He was 71 years old and healthy. The day before I was just talking and joking with him over the phone. He asked me which wardrobe to wear for his class reunion. I said wear the blue suit that he will look younger instead of the black one. I told him to enjoy himself and I will call him in the morning to hear about it. But, instead I received a call from my sister stating that my father was gone...I said NO! I was just talking to him twelve hours ago why? According to my mother he got up the morning of February 25 @ 0700 am his usual time had his coffee and went back to bed saying that he wasn't feeling well. And he wanted to throw-up as my mom helping him to get up he'd just turned his head down and gone...my mom thought he was joking my mom shocked him but it's too late. That was 0730 that morning.You know what ,I feel cheated because parents shouldn't die until they are old and helpless NOT when they are young and full of life. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye...it hurts me so much...I thought this things will happen later...Later when he is old and gray not now...I am not ready for this! Thank you... Maria Hi... Thank you so much for your website. I was just complaining to my sister that I could never think of anything interesting to look up on the web, and she mentioned (since we'd just had a converstaion about it) that I should try to find information about losing a parent. My mother died when I was 17. She had a brain aneurysm and never woke from the second 14 hour brain surgery she had. Unlike your experience, the doctors were nothing but nice, however they never gave us any false hope. I'm now 23 and it's been almost eight years since she died, and although I don't suffer from the tremendous amount of grief I used to, it's still painful. When I think about those horrible days in the hospital, I force my mind to move elsewhere, because once I start to cry, I don't stop. I've often, over the course of the last seven years, felt guilty for feeling so bad about it, so often. I feel like I've exhausted my friends in my constant bitterness, and my wanting to rehash the past so much. Thankfully, they've been a great resource for encouragement and sympathy. I only realized last week how much it still bothers me, when my boss, who is around how old my mother was when she died, began to pal around with the new girl at work. She's been a mother figure to me for almost four years now, without my even noticing it. When I became so jealous that she'd found someone to "replace" me, I realized that I'm desparate for anyone to take over that role, I feel like I've been cheated out of an experience that so many others take for granted. Thank you for your website, I hope it's helped others, the way it helped me. Sincerely, Katie Response: HI Katie, I'm glad that my website was able to help, even a little. I know exactly how you feel, I am in the same place that you are. It's been 5 yrs for my mom andclose to 9 yrs since my dad died and I think that itis only now that I have realized how much I've blocked thier deaths out of my mind, simply to avoid the pain. You sound like a very strong young woman and I can tell that aside from the desparate need for some female companionship to fill the gap left left by your mom, you have survived the ordeal rather well. Katie, try to be grounded and remember that no one will ever replace or even totally fill the void left by your mom, but eventually someone will come along that will ease the pain a little, just like your boss did. Feeling cheated is very normal, and I don't think that feeling ever really gets resolved, Try to hang on to your memories, your friends, and your family and maybe one day, together we'll figure out what this test of life is REALLY all about. Kaz I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU FOR THE SITE MY MOM JUST DIED YESTERDAY ON MARCH 24TH 2001 AND YOUR SITE WAS VERY HELPFUL I AM ONLY 19 AND MY MOM WAS 41 ON MARCH 8TH I KNOW THAT BOTH OF YOUR PARENTS ARE VERY PROUD OF YOU I AM SO GRATEFUL I FOUND A WEB SITE TO HELP WITH THE GRIEF WELL HERE IS HOW IT HAPPENED I WAS BABYSITTING MY COUSINS AND MY MOM WAS WAITING UP FOR ME TO GET HOME FOR THE NIGHT AROUND 1:15 AM MY GRANDMOTHER CALLED AND SAID TO HURRY AND GET HOME BECAUSE MY MOM HAD STOPPED BREATHING THE PARAMEDICS TRIED EVERYTHING THEY COULD DO TO REVIVE HER BUT IT WAS NO USE I AM SO HAPPY THAT MY LAST WORDS TO HER WAS I LOVE YOU WHEN I TALKED TO HER ON THE PHONE EARLIER BECAUSE BEING 19 I LIKE TO THINK I KNOW EVERYTHING BUT I KNOW I DON'T AND I WOULD ALWAYS FIND SOME REASON TO ARGUE WITH HER BUT I KNOW THAT SHE KNEW I LOVED HER I HA D MY GRANDMOTHER TELL HER I LOVE HER FOR ME OER THE PHONE I KNOW SHE HEARD IT EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS A FLATLINE I KINDA FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT GOING IN TO SEE HER WHILE WAITING FOR THE MEDICAL EXAMINER TO PRONONUCE HER BUT I THINK SHE UNDERSTANDS AGAIN I WANT TO THINK YOU FOR LETTING ME GET THIS OFF OF MY CHEST BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE THESTRONG ONE RIGHT NOW FOR MY GRANDPARENT'S BECAUSE THIS IS THE SECOND DAUGHTER THEY HAVE LOST IN 2 YEARS IF YOU HAVE ANY MORE TIPS FOR ME ON DEALING WITH THIS I WOULD APPRECIATE THEM THANK YOU AGAIN. MICHAEL Response: I'm glad that my site was able to help. I know this is a very difficult time, be brave and try to keep your head up. Everything happens for a reason. If you need to talk, please feel free to contact me. |
| In October I was awakened by a phone call from my niece, telling me that dad had cut off his thumb. It seemed that he was cutting firewood on a saw that he had rigged up to cut wood to burn in the stove in his shop. Living so far away from him was so hard. I wanted to be able to be there and see for myself that he was ok. But I couldn't, I just had to take everyone else's word for it that he was fine. The plastic surgeons re-attached it. They did a good job, but he lost the usage in it.
In November dad was scheduled to receive an abdominal aneurysm operation but it was canceled because when he had his thumb re-attached the doctors noticed that he had 3 angina attacks while on the table and looked into it. Finding that before any aneurysm operation could take place he had to have open heart surgery. He had triple by-pass, and heart valve replacement. Come December my husband, my daughter, and I went to see him. We had Christmas together. He was doing so good. At the time I didn't know that there was something seriously happening inside him that would eventually kill him. All I knew is that he still had to have that abdominal aneurysm operation, which was re-scheduled for sometime in February. But I was just so happy to see him. See that his thumb looked good, the surgeon did a wonderful job. You couldn't even tell unless you had a really close look at it. Except he never did regain the use of it. Leaving that Christmas was very hard for me to do. Because of all that happened I wanted, needed to stay and make sure that he was ok. But work and life back in B.C. called us home. So when we returned I called home at least every second night. February comes and dad has his aneurysm operation. Things seem to go fine. But worry sets in because he still REALLY hasn't fully recovered from the open heart surgery. So much, too many things happening. Worried about how his body was handling all the stress and strain. I was more than a basket case at this point. Sleep? What's that? What else could possibly go wrong? Shortly after that operation he started to develop lumps in and on his neck. They grew large very fast. Back to the doctor's he went. He was so sick of doctor's offices, and hospitals. They took tests. More waiting...the waiting seemed to be the hardest. Not knowing. When the test results came back we found out that he had cancer. Those damn lumps were inside as well attached to his esophagus. Squeezing to the point that breathing was getting more and more difficult. Until he also had to have an oxygen machine to provide the much needed oxygen that wasn't getting to his lungs. He received radiation treatment, the highest they could give him for the longest period of time. Half hour sessions, for one week. And then they could do no more. The last session fried his vocal cords, so on top of not being able to breath well, now he couldn't talk well either. So at that point I didn't get to talk to him on the phone no more. I couldn't handle that. We planned to go to him. We were suppose to leave on April 11th which would have made it so that we arrived on the 12th. But last minute we decided to leave on the 10th, getting us there on the 11th. I got to spend part of the afternoon and evening with him. He didn't look as bad as I had expected, but he looked bad enough. I never could handle bad things happening to my dad. I always wanted to fix things. I smiled with him, laughed with him, rubbed essential oils on his feet. I told him after I rubbed the oils on him..."if nothing else you will smell pertiful" and he smiled at me. Around midnight I left, he was going to lay down. Or sit down with a bunch of pillows behind him. He couldn't lay, because then he couldn't breath at all. The next morning I called and mom told me that dad had a bad night, and that maybe just I could come out to visit. So we headed off and called to mom & dad's before we left town (using the cell phone) and my sister answered and told me not to bother coming out. That the ambulance was there and they were taking dad into the hospital. And that we should just meet them there. So I drove to the hospital as fast as I could. Got there before the ambulance even. FINALLY he got there and they took him to a room that was already reserved for him in the palliative care unit. The doctor checked him over, did an x-ray because there was so much fluid in his lungs that he wasn't breathing well at all. And his oxygen levels were so very low. They were thinking they might be able to drain some of the fluid. But as it turned out, the fluid wasn't just in his lungs it was all over in his chest cavity, surrounding his heart. The doctor said that some time in the night dad's heart had gone into distress causing this to happen. She (the doctor) also told us that dad's body was already beginning to shut down. He started getting agitated, not wanting anyone around except for mom, my sister, and I. No more nurses, or doctors, he said that he didn't want to visit them no more. Together, mom, my sis, and I agreed that we didn't want dad to suffer no more. We made arrangements for him to be sedated. He went to sleep, slipped into a coma. And although he could hear us, he was unaware of what was going on around him. As I would speak to him, he would usually respond with a lift of his eyebrows. It was very hard to sit there and watch him die. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I could sit there and talk to him, and hold him, and let him know that he wasn't alone. I stayed right there by his side until he took his last breath. I miss him so much, the pain is unlike anything else. I have lost loved ones before, but this pain I feel now...no I have NEVER hurt so bad in my entire life. But I am so very thankful that he suffers no longer. I LOVE YOU DAD! By Ginger |
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