| Losing my Father I was 20 years old. I was young, foolish, and didn't have a care in the world. I neglected my parents and just figured that they would be around forever. I was wrong. It all came about rather suddenly, my father was 52 years old and to me, he was my hero. He was Superman. The strongest, most accomplished man i had ever met. He worked hard and was eternally devoted to his family.Never in my wildest dreams, did i ever consider he would become sick in any way. He was the families pillar. One day, he started to forget little things. He forgot where his car was parked and his personality started to change. It was weird but we really thought nothing of it. Then, he had a seizure. My world fell apart. I didn't know how to react or what to do. My father was down, for the first time in my life. When we arrived at the hospital, we learned that it was cause by a tumor. It seemed like everything began to snowball from there. I hoped we would catch a break somewhere, but the news just kept getting worse. A CAT scan showed a small sign of it. The MRI showed the actual tumor. The doctors would later tell us, (in a cold and cruel way) that the tumor was located in the centre of my fathers brain and had butterflied over the top and was putting pressure against the skull. Causing the memory loss and the many seizures that followed. The next step was to determine whether or not the tumor was benign (A Growth) or malignant (Cancerous). A biopsy of the brain was scheduled. This was the most trying moment of my families life. It was make or break. What the doctors don't tell you, is that when the cancer cells are exposed to oxygen, they begin to rapidly grow. So, a biopsy would either identify a growth that could later be removed, or cause the now exposed Cancer to accelerate. In my fathers case, the tumour was located in a way that even if it had been benign, it could not have been removed. So what was the point of the whole thing ??? It was malignant. The doctor took us aside and said "it's mailgnant, he has 3 months to live". Point Blank. We cried, denied, pleaded, and basically got nowhere. Three months later, i got a call from the hospital at 3:45AM. I knew. My father faught and in the end, it was Phnemonea that took his life. It was Friday April 3,1992. I'll never forget that day. I found the loss of my father very numbing. I had no emotion. I didn't cry, i didn't talk, i just stared and comforted my Mom and Sister and told them everything was going to be fine. I didn't know that. I just said it. It was more important for me at the time to make sure they were ok, than to express any emotion myself. Of course they were doing the same thing. We react very strangely when a death occurs, this was my first and i was awestruck by the way i was acting. The morning my father died, we had a lot of family around, and i don't think i ever laughed so hard in my life. I think our feelings are so screwed up that we express the opposite emotion just to feel better. It was either that, or my dad's influence was around us even then. I like to think it was the latter. My mother was a housewife all her life and she pretty much depended on my dad for everything. She didn't even drive. My sister and i, had to be there for her as she had us when we were babies. It's kind of ironic that way. For those of you who are Parents/Spouses, i can't stress the importance of a life insurance policy. You never think you'll need it, but if my father didn't have one, i don't know how we would have survived. My mother took her husbands death the hardest, my sister too. They never realized how hard i took it. I have never been a person to show grief or sadness with tears. It is assumed that if we don't cry, we don't really grieve. I kinda resent that. I think it's much harder for thoses of us who keep it in. Incidentally, since experiencing all of this i cry like a baby at movies and stuff. Don't ask me why.........but i do. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Don't tell anyone. My father has been gone for 11 years now. Beleive me, it gets easier. You never forget, you will always wish for them, you will miss them eternally, you will feel their presence, you will feel their love, and you will be happy in knowing that they are watching over you, and always will. One day, you will meet someone who turns your life around and understands exactly what you've been through. I hope i can be that person for you. I honestly beleive that being able to speak to someone who's been through something like this and relating to them in this way is the absolute best way to give and receive closure. Incidentally, there isn't a specified time to greive, so take your time. Talk your way through it, Cry your way through it, cause if you take it one day at a time, you will get through it. There will be times when it becomes harder, birthdays, anniversaries, religious holidays that will truly be a test of will, but remember the good times, remember the smiles.......that's what your parents would have wanted. Losing my Mother It was about 4 years after i had lost my father. My mother insisted that i spend my birthday with her and my sister. I reluctantly complied. By this time i was in a pretty bad place. When my father died, i had felt that he was very disappointed with me. He had such high expectations as most fathers do and i hadn't acheived any of them, i even dropped out of College (or take a year off as i had put it). So, after his death i had a revelation that i was going to be the perfect son, so that he would be happy and proud of me after death. This is a typical reaction of a child when they lose a parent, i later learned. Needless to say, i graduated 3 years later. My mother was proud of me and i felt that dad was too. Yet, I had failed her in so many other ways. My mother was pretty dependant on my sister and I. I however, even after promising myself that i would never neglect another parent again felt that i had to have a good time, cause i deserved it. So, my mother who was now very lonely and depressed after losing her best friend in the world spent endless nights alone at home, watching her beloved Discovery Channel. She was miserable. Don't ever underestimate the loss one spouse feels when they lose their soulmate. It is devestating and forever life altering. I guess i should first mention that my mother was a diabetic and had been one for about 15 years. She never monitored it well and as most diabetics know, the constant incline and decline in sugar levels cause many other health risks. My mother had a really bad heart. In fact we learned that only half of it was operating correctly. She was in and out of hospitals all through summer and fall. So, she insisted we spend my birthday together. I invited some friends and we went to a restaurant for dinner. It was nice and we talked. We went home that night, I said goodnight, retired to my room as i usually do. The next morning i woke up to a thump, i went into the famiy room and my sister had my mother on the floor, she was unconcience. I felt my heart sink and that all too familiar panic. I dropped and began to administer CPR, i knew it was her heart and i tried to get it to beat again. I gave compressions which grew stronger and stronger with panic and fear. By this time my sister had 911 on the line. I continued and tried to recessitate her, but it wasn't doing any good. My mother died in my arms, while my sister watched, the day after my birthday. It was September 25th,96 and my birthday has never been the same again. I think the hardest part for me was trying to convince my sister that everything was ok, even though i knew it wasn't. I love my sister to death and her being younger and more attached to my mother, killed me. Once we arrived at the hospital, it wasn't long before the doctors came in and said those infamous doctors words........." I'm sorry". Here's the strange part, i was shattered and absolutely terrified. The first thing i did...........was go to the phone and begin making funeral arrangements. Thinking back, it mistifies me that i did that, but that was what i did. After the arrangements were made, i went back to see if my sister was ok and by this time, my mothers brothers and sisters had arrived. It truly amazes me how adults react to such events. Especially those who haven't experienced a close death before. It was not pretty. I had to actually remove people from her room as it was too disturbing to me, my sister and i'm sure, my mom. I'm not sure what the true test of life is, but death is truly one of the exams. I have learned so much, and regretted so much. I have reflected and pondered and am still at a loss. My mothers death hit me harder, i think. I didn't realize how much until recently, hence the birth of this page. When my dad died, i had lost a parent. When my mom died, i lost a family. Mom was the one who kept my sister and i together, and made us feel like we still had a home, and a parents love. When she went, so did that feeling. Confusion and lonliness is an understatement. It was terrifying. I still think about them everyday. I still yearn for their pride, their approval and just assume it is there. I have done pretty well for myself now. Looking back, i know that they would be proud of me, no matter what i did. A parents love is unconditional. So, for those of you who have just experienced a loss or have lived with one as i have for the last decade beleive me when i tell you. No matter what you do, or how you feel, or how your parents felt about you before they died. They are looking down on you now, with a tear in their eyes and pride in their hearts, because that's just how parents are. You will always be their little boy or girl !!! |
| Losing a Parent A resource for those who have lost a Mom or Dad ... too soon. |