Wednesday Nov 1, 1989
7:00
Huddle House. Up at 4:45 this morning. Ate ham and cheese omellete. Did math. Too early to go to work. Too late to go to Feedroom, {wasnt going anyway}. Want to drive from here to school, but too early to do that too. --- Watched the Day Break ---
Friday Nov 3, 1989
7:45
Tony's On WestSide. At the counter. The booths are full. So this is not working out like I planned either, does anything? So what shall it be, the lunch counter scene out of "Sting"? Maybe some roadside cafe in the smallest of the small towns. Definitely not any international scene. Maybe just the usual === the usual evening dinner, alone, in one of the usual places. That's it!
* Havent told Earle yet - maybe Monday. * But will I? Do I have the balls to quit? There's another loner, in a booth. Bet he has someone waiting though [[ keys on a jeans loop. ]] * You know why it's hard to quit now? * Things are busy, doing CAD, FEM stuff, interesting stuff. * But most importantly - I'm not going back to school - no more wondering what to do. * It's the agony of the decision that makes me want to quit it all. * NOT the 'years off' doing what I want, going places doing things. * It's the thought of more years of the same, and low pay. Dinner's over. {{ Margin note: Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep.... }}
Oh yes, beent trying to call Marli, cant get through to her, what does that mean?
Saturday Nov 5, 1989
4:45
Glassy EastSide. Talked with Marli this afternoon. She wouldnt be here this year anyway -- more like after Christmas and first of next year. Wont let me pay for her trip -- RATHER HAVE ME GO DOWN THERE -- YOU KNOW. It all seemed pleasant enough, no talk about 'the letter', mostly anyway, one less thing for me to think about. Now I can think about Quiting Work, going on Vacation, go to Brazil, etc, etc, adinfinitum.
Friday Nov 10, 1989
8:00
Carolina Creme. === The Berlin Wall Is NOT! === Five Weeks in Brasil ? ! ?
There's a celeberation of Freedom in the world tonight. / The East Germany people and the West Germany people are dancing on the Wall! / Have been since LAST NIGHT / -- Thirty hours nonstop party - Still Going / May it continue Forever. / It's two in the morning on a cold November night -- Still the celebration goes on. ===== Is Timothy of CAUGHT among them? ==== I shall buy a bottle of champagne {Spirits} and celebrate {party} with them.
Friday Nov 24, 1989
6:15
Pizza Inn, Easley. Spent the afternoon at mom's, fixing toilent tank, replaced stopper, watched Ken fix the washer $22) for nothing major, drove to Easley (Marion Davis Hardware) to get a lamp for the Dinning Room, drove to WalMart to walk through their store, drove back to Marion Davis, drove back to mom's, sat around for a few minutes, feeling bad about staying feeling bad about leaving her alone again. Nothing has really changed!
Suppose to be doing stuff for myself. But .... the best thing that's happend was yesterday morning at the Huddle Resturant, I gave up my booth to an elder couple with son. Moved to the counter -- doing something for strangers.
Maybe I should listen to the MindDoctor's word, your thoughts are your emotins === you feel bad cause your mind says you're to feel bad cause you suppose to feel bad when you leave your mother alone thinking she'll feel bad caouse you dont stay with here... etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, ad infinitum.
Almost ShowTime, "Back to the Future II".
Friday Dec 8, 1989
5:35
Pizzia Inn, Pickens. Work's over, spent the afternoon doing gear equations with Earl, School's over, except exams, went to math class only - ditched statics. This last calculus {actually Calculus the Fini}, was nice. The Dr Japanese was very precise in his lectures.
Earl knows I'm still thinking about quiting - I wrote the date on the board and left it, he saw it and asked about it, so I told him.
Marli will be here Wednesday. What will become of us? I start vacation then, for the rest of the year.
Glenn B says they are planning to send him to (no, not Brasil) Japan, to do motors and gears. That hurt and that's when I wrote the date on the board. Send him and not me where gears are concerned.
But Marli will be her next week.
Gratitous Papryus, left one set in the libray, one in the math class room, one on the side of the hill before the old cemetary. They do disappear -- someone lieks them enough to tak them. Will they propogate?
Monday Dec 11, 1989
8:15
Carolina Fine Foods. Today they offered more money over 2 year period. Now they've made it a little more difficult to leave. But that's what they're suppose to do, isnt it. Put my sabbatical off -- another year or two.
Tuesday Dec 26, 1989
12:40
WhiteWater Falls, Upper Deck. It's been really cold here, zero degrees F. There's ice over the rocks, from the mist. Lots of Ice, cant down tothe Falls so much Ice. The wind's colder too. Bye.
Tuesday Dec 26, 1989
5:00
Huddle Rest. Same ole groove, nothing changes but getting older.
Three more work days, still I know not, what I want to do, like stay or leave. Walk away form 32 and 36.8 K. It's too late, I've already thought about leaving, mostly I'm infactuated with the idea of not working, job shoping, volenteer work, etal. If I really wanted to work, I'd been out job hunting today. BUT with the money they're going to pay - what it should have been the last five years, I'd have what I wanted all along. BESIDES I should know I'm only dreaming when I think I could be well known and in demand. Only dreaming! BUT if I dont try, I'll never know.
Wednesday Dec 27, 1989
6:50
Huddly Rest. Awake at 3:00, up at 4:30. The sleepless nights have begun again. What to do? Go to Greenville to look for work? Write prose? Loafer? Could I stand a year of doing nothing? But morning like this, doing different, being free, isnt that what I'm dreamed of doing. Must get my thoughts together, decide what I'm to do. Today Today.
Wednesday Dec 27, 1989
6:10
Huddly Rest. Here Again. Totally non productive day. Grn'vle Lib - no GP signs, no look for job, nothing done at home. What a bummer! Maybe that's what I'm headed for, being a bum.
Wednesday Jan 10, 1990
6:30
Huddle Rest. It's the first entry of the new year and a new decade, but dont you know, it'll be no diff than any of the pst years. --- I've even told Earl I'll stay another year [afterthought, to experience the joys of being overworked and underpayed.]
Least one thing has happened all ready. Gave $2,000 to Roger T to help get him and his wife to Germany to be with their son, (brain tumor surgery). Did that and decided to stay --- give my money and future away to help some one else. But isn't that the right thing to do? The Christian thing to do?
Smoking a pack-a-day now. Coughig up throat mucus -- maybe lungs. (Not) Having started the first entry of new year at Whitewater or Whiteside, Nor made an entry there on Winter Solistice. Wont loafer this year or look for new work or travel or write or do volenteer stuff on on of those thing. Jusk like all the past years. Just like I said to my self '88 Christmas and Thanksgiving and New Year --- "It's (holiday season) will not be like this (depressed) next year!" But it was.
The only thing that's changed is my deteriating resistance to acceptance of the way things have been. -- (and going to be?)
Maybe one of these mornings, my head will fall off into the sink.
Thursday Jan 11, 1990
6:50
Huddle Rest. Up early again! I have sleep disorder.
Wednesday Jan 31, 1990
7:30
Pizza Inn. Pickens. It's the last day of themonth and it's been twenty days sicne the last entry. So this is just one more note to let me know, I'm still alive.
I may have seen him before this late twenty, early thirty man with three boys of his own. One's maybe ten. How did he do it, starting early etal. Look at his looks, that's why and how.
Tuesday Feb 6, 1990
6:20
Huddle House Rest. On way to Nippon Class, at Easley Jr High.
Got up early, ate breakfast at Joy's in Liberty, probably will tomorrow too. Did a couple of times last week. Tony, Ron, MC, etal were there last Wednesday.
Worked on a cluster gear FEM and gear mesh drawing. Will give the gear design lecture next week.
Will then (dewa mata) time to go (i ki mashoo)
Wednesday Feb 14, 1990
7:20
Carolina Fine Food. Entries are not much, so far this year. Just dont know what to write, except maybe a skoshi in the G. P. vein, a piece on the Ethopia Drought and tragedy.
Like work has been something else too, working late and weekends. This gear design seminar thing is of little interest to those who realy need it. Should have i really expected anything else? Me thinks, only Dave, Glenn and I know why Glenn is in the gear design thing. Should I tell Earl?
Friday Feb 16, 1990
7:35
Huddle House. Seven weeks into the '90s, and still Ido the same routine -- everything alone. Asked Randy if they would be home, but no, they always have something planned. But let several weeks go by with no word, and it's why dont you come to visit us?
Sent the G.P. things and "Talk to me Wall" to CBS Sunday Morning. Another feeble attempt to get a little attention. --- Disappear into the Black Hole of Ignore Jerry ---
I'm smoking pack a day now, and dont care! Work's a hassle,seminar a flop, drill's noisy, I dont know what I'm doing.
Maybe I should run off and become an old man dropout --- that reminds me, I dont want to do school anymore either.
Friday Feb 23, 1990
6:20
Hardee Easley. First time here. Finished the Ethopia G.P. Got a start on the rock wall, footing poured, a few rocks laid down. Then the rains came.
Saturday Feb 24, 1990
7:00
Pete's Resturant Greenville. Two years -- year and half -- it's been a while since I've sat here. It's the lights -- city lights -- viewed from a distance and higher, this I like. A touch of the city life. === Just a beef BBQ and sit and wait for showtime, twenty-five minutes to go. There's never much choice about movies, I let too many good ones go by. And, the times of the ones I'm interested in, 7:30, 8:00, 9:50. I'm wonder if movie days are coming to an end?
Saw Miss Daisy last night at Colony, like the Beards and Connellys said, an old fashion story type movie -- no sex, violence or gimics. It was good.
=== Young studs, sitting behind me, talking girls, New Year Eve Party, friends, sex. Nice ===
Went to Whitewater Falls today too. Cold and Windy. Still there's a crowd of young men camping out up river -- maybe a girl or two or 3. Me thinks one couple were doing coke or something, hunched over, trying to light and drug together. There was this long hair hippie type, with hat and shoulder pacho. He smiled and greeted me.
Tuesday Feb 27, 1990
6:10
Huddle House Rest. Got my first paycheck with the 32K salary and helped Kiyp by typing up a hurry up letter to Japan and those are the two best things to happen today.
"More on TK" is lagging (putting off, wasting.) Why dont I just sit downa nd type it up.
Friday Mar 16, 1990
6:00
Tony's Resturant Pickens. It's been two and one-half months into the new year, and I've still not made it to Greenville to find a new hangout. Life is wasting away, and I dont do anything about it. [--This subject, downer attittude, is still most of what I write about.] When will I force myself to get out and do things?
Been building the stone wall, gathering together my piles of rocks and stones. Last weekend, I got the ones from the backyard, the ones I pile up ten year ago. Progress is slow -- like everything else -- the days and weeks go by -- there's things I really could be doing, but I dont.
It's getting crowded, so I'll leave, that's what I want to do -- go watch the news.
Friday Mar 23, 1990
7:20
IHOPs Grn'vle WHB. It's been a year or two or more since I've been here, the only thing I remember abot this particular place is that I stopped here on the way back from Myrtle Beach one summer. Dont remember if it was after that post high schoold graduation trip or the pre navy trip. Makes no diff, that was a long long time ago.
Mess around driving around looking for a place to lite. Now I'm late. It's showtime already and I'm here not there.
Saturday Mar 24, 1990
7:45
Carolina Creme. Picture this: A forty year old loner Man, sitting on the ground, next to a rock pile, brushing the dirt off the rocks, --- pitiful site, a loner with nothing better to do, than clean rocks. So that's what I did today. I did get the four big boulders set in place.
Last night I spend an hour driving up and down 291 Bypass, looking for a Bar Resturant, planning on sitting, eating, a little drinking, and writing, waiting for the movie to start. Strange how the phone book listing a lot but when it's time to go find them, where are they?
The movie was better than average -- not outstanding. An Americanized late 80s interpertation of "Lord of the Flies". Really cant remember if it's the book reading or an early seventys British version that I remember. Maybe both. Anyway, it was a British orentiation. Had to get up and leave before one of the killing scenes; hid behind my hands and blocked the ears during the other. But still, that is the "Lord of the Flies" story.
So now I'll just sit here a bit, and dream the dreams I usually dream.
IT'S BEEN SPRING SINCE LATE AFTERNOON!
Monday Mar 26, 1990
3:30 PM
Pizza Inn Pickens. Ditched worked today in order to add stones to the wall. But the weather decided to rain instead of just be cloudy. So I did taxes and census instead. Now it's late afternoon, sitting, waiting, pondering what to do next. -- Making the wrong decisions, Like always!
Me thinks that was the old kid who stayed with the old lady across from BlueRidge Produce. Bet he's married with kids and still early twenties, getting on withhis life he is. Poor me, I never did paint the lady's house. Poor pitiful creature. Does he remember who helped him in time of need and now repays the debt by helping the old lady help others?
Me, worried about being caught drinking and driving. When, lo, a couple of teenage girls back into another, lo again, one is the one who waited on me. Wonder if the other is the onw who has been friends while waiting on me here? No police, the dad came, got the daughter. What is the "K" word? It's a raining Monday afternoon, sitting in a Pizza Palor, eating Pizza. Thinking, (Dreaming) how nice it would be, to spend a vacation in Europe. Run away, for a week or two, getting one with my life. How it should have been. Getting away from my past. How it really was. The thrill of traveling, goings places, doing things.
Five minutes have past, seems like fifteen. Coming down from the beer - pizza high, downer time, vacation never happened, reality setting in, gloom and doom reality, for others, vacation time is reality, blessed few, but not me, never me.
Wednesday Mar 28, 1990
5:50
Grapevine Bar and Grill, WHB. A "NEW" "OLD" place, cause this use to be a Ken's Pizza Place, now it's a Bar, so time has past and things change. Then some things never change -- sandwich and chips and pickle in a basket, same way they served it twenty year ago, navy day. Even the topic and talk the same -- hard likfe, dream trips, sex stuff, etal. [[Maybe it's a "mindset", yuor first bar experience is the way the all are suppose to be ]] It's the youth time experience the space - time events with which first joys of life are experienced. Not just bars, but any S-T event. [Concerning the traffic outside, the blinds are drawn, but it's the knowing, not the seeing.]
Anyway, just up the road, a few tens of yards, is the Wade Hampton Motel. Remmeber those feelings before '65 and shortly after? Twenty-five, thirty years ago "it" was sitting at the counter, Cliff cooking breakfast, taking about his regulars, sister motel Catalina, ets. [[The space and time 'twixt and 'tween.]]
The sense of "PRESENT" the ageing is with me, but pitifully few events to remember and reflect upon. The simple passage of time is all I have, except, maybe, "the knowint" of all the other people's events. [[ Another twenty-five, make it fifty, what events will they be to make the sense of "PRESENT" strong.]]
Projectin - project yourself to Whitewater and Whiteside, it's time to sit in a bar in the city and "see" what is happening back in the wilderness. A windy sunset from the top of the world, a closing in of dusk and darkenss upon roaring, falling water.
Grapevine again, I remember now, seperate "the talking" from "the wishful hearing" -- fiction from fact, the story telling from ????? ; Where everybody knows your name, Except mine.
A FLASH OF THOUGHT, the news report of young writers, sitting where Hemminway sat, hoping to wrtie famous works like he wrote. How many great works have been wrote in a dimly lite bar? Then think of your own lonely pitiful life.
Monday Apr 2, 1990
5:40 "Funny Time" started this month.
Huddle House. Eat supper -- should have skipped it. Look at Japanese book - jsut doesnt stick with me. Almost showtime, better head out. Bye.
Thursday Apr 5, 1990
11:40
Bantom Chef, Liberty. It's been so long since I wrote anything really worth reading. No prose, No G.P., No letters, No thing at all. Dont try anymore either, the time at home I waste away watching tv, it's easly, lazy, mindless thing to do. That's a majore part of it, when I dont have to think, I dont want to even think about thinking.
Friday Apr 6, 1990
6:15
Tony's Resturant. Another week, nothing really important accomplished. Even work is a no progress status.
Wednesday Apr 11, 1990
5:15
Huddle Rest. Went to Clemson today, have to go through the reenrollemtn process again, cause I skipped a semester. There's no way to jsut take courses. Maybe this time they will not let me back in, that'll be just fine with me.
Met Ross, again, at the advisors office. He must have been sitting there whent I went back the second time. Did not notice him if he was, started looking through the schedule booklet, looked up latter and there he was. He sayss he is still struggling. It was a nice talk, had not seen him in months and this chance meeting (or was it) really made the dayu. Anyway [[ pause for MIND DRIFT - vacation planning, "a whatever is available in Europe"]] Anyway, whatever associations with other humans I can get -- I'll TAKE. Hand shake with Ross, Bye.
At work today, built six tools, compact drill, still have major problems, still no hard solution. guess - build - test - fail.
Itll be showtime tonight - another Earnest movie, that'll be good - mindless humor for my mindless brain. [[Pause for thought - you know, I sort of feel good right now. Somthng to do with having started the school process. I dreaded going back, so I really didnt want to go to Clemson today, I've put it off. But after words, it's not so bad anymore. But it'll be back ]]
Friday Apr 13, 1990
7:45
BurgerKing Easley. It's Friday the thirteenth, It's Good Friday, It's a four day loner holiday. Worked on the stone wall all day. Did, just a tad of woodise wook; cleard the rainy day falls area. Just another loner day. There's lots of cars on the road. Friends traveling together, or traveling to meet each other. But NOT ME.
Monday Apr 16, 1990
6:20
Tonys Rest. I shall try again to write at this place. No one will bother me this time.
Work n the stonewall today, connected the ends together, layed the brick where there will be brick. Maybe I can finish in three or four weekends and then be done with it! Worked on the stonewall Saturday and Friday too.
Yesterday, spent the time visiting relatives. Lee had been up to see Mom sice Wedneday or Thursday. Susan and chris came up yesterday. Ate at the Feedroom -- they had a business day of coures since I wa ther. Hide Easter eggs for the first time in years. Went to Linda's and John, Kathy, BM and Micky were there too. Kevin as not there but saw videos of his Prom night He is an extraordinary handsome youn man. Must be really great to be young, goodlooking and in fine physique.
All in all it was the usual visit with family at Linda's. DM wore a black cruifix and I wondered what that meant? Tomorrow it is back to the Ryobi mess. Another boring depressing day of not accomplishing anything progressive. If I had went and really truly left in February, I wouldnt have to put up with this bad situation.
I havent done a thing to promote my own happiness. No traveling, no writing, no software, not even many trips to my old friends, WhiteWater and WhiteSide.
Friday Apr 20, 1990
6:45
Carolina Fine Food. Another week, I'm tired, I stay tired and bored, I've nothing fun to do, I'm alone and that is making me sicker. No one every calls or visits, I've no friends at all. Sometime, still, I want it all to end,not be bothered by anything again. To be yound ang handsome and excellect physique, that's what it takes to get friends.
Friday Apr 27, 1990
7:05
Pizza Inn Pickens. Time for the Friday log entry. There seems to be a pattern here. Friday night out.
Decided this afternoon to vacation. Sort-of felt like I would all wek. I'm tired of work, just have to leave work behind. I know I wont go anywhere, it is too late to do a trip. I want to go travelling through Europe - around the world - but a loner's trip is a bad trip. That's what is realy holding me back. A loner's trip.
The only thing I did different this week is not eat breakfast at the Feedroom. Ate at Joy's in Liberty, except Wednesday. I went to Huddles in Easley cause I did not want to be near Tony, Chip, Mark or Ronnie. I was rejected by that group, "Go eat with the white folks" Tony said as he left me alone. So Joy's is their place on Wednesday. "I though you were one of us" Donna said.
I have also minimized contact with others at work too. They seldom come to visit with me so why bother. I was an outcast in high school, college, navy and singer. So be it! If it must be! Besides, it's all my own fault anyway -- When have I even been the first to talk?
Sayonaro --- if it must be! I wonder! Maybe I should become the TOTAL HERMIT.
G.P. topics -- Something to do with Jerusalem -- bickering religions. Another one the Creation Thing. Maybe God Lamatatiing the condition of his children. Petty religious doctrine. Petty religious leaders.
I'm taking up some one else's space now. Time to go. Bye.
Saturday Apr 28, 1990
10:40
SubStationII Clemson. Drove down here to put the schedule card in the local mail. That little task is done, so now I can start thinking about what to do with my vacation time.
It feels like LA, the '87 fantasy trip. [a young man just sat down over on the westside, with his sub, he bowed and returned thanks. A Christain and proud to display it] LA seems like the path of least resistance.
But how much more expensive to go to Europe, or the Carribean? But mayber a small country town in the west, northwest, midwest? A nice walk - about country place?
Well, the thoughts will not flow. My mind is set on the young handsome studs and what they can do with their pretty ladies.
Monday Apr 30, 1990
11:25
Airplane Seat, Atlanta. Can you believe it, like a I was just intime for the first time to catch an airplane on time. Now it will be an huor and twenty minutes before departure to Chicago. Like I seldom if ever wait on a plane.
Meanwhile back at GSP, I hope I got the truck locked up and all. I just had to park, get out, sunshade up and run for the terminal. I've never, I think, had to run to catch a flight. Flew the 123 route, GSP-ATL. Saw Easley, Pickens, Glassy, Clemson, Seneca, Lakes. The lakes look so much closer from way up there!
So now, on teh way to the big LA, a one way flight to the west coast. With the most mony I've ever carried on a trip and I done know what I'll do next. A zero planned trip. Like it took me fortyfive minutes jsut to pick up the phone and start making reservations. I'm so paranoid about inatiating action. Reluctanc to change the routine, that's me. But what do I always talk about --- travel, go places, do things, --- then whent it gets to the nittygritty of doitn it --- hesitate, procastinate, etc. etc. Like I could have been on the way to Europe if I had made plans. Been in Treise France for Easter if I had made plans. What is it that makes me like that!
11:50, thirty minutes more. should I get off and smoke a cig. Yes -- No? A bit of wandering around. -- So much for that plan, early boardig so now I'm stuck without a smoke fix. Let's see, 1:00EDT, 2:CDT probably two and 1/2 hours till next break. No choice but to do without. Maybe it's just the thought anyway.
It is too late for a lot of things, true! Too late to triple check the truck, house, plans, AmTrack schedule, etc etal. Too late to experience an early married life. Too late to back track time for any thing. So I'll jsut sit and think and expect the worst. [[ There is something, feelings, about leaving behind, the plane, in which, one leaves home behind in. Teh last contact with somthig remotely familar.]]
Monday Apr 30, 1990
4:25
Somewhere over the MidWest, I guess. We're an hour and some few minture out of Chicago, think I heard the driver say something about the Mississippi - Missouri so that about where we are. Two and 1/2 hours more till the scheduled five oclock arrival. So this will be a long long ride. My thoughts have made me feel ill at times - this chore of transport fro airport to hotel and checking in. === Still dont know what kind of place it will be. ==
Must to a twenty something male travelter streched out in these middle seats, with his seat to me. Two men hostess in the crew too. So anyway, my typical thoughts about the people about me.
There's a young lady with a baby girl aboard too. I was to sit beside here. She is from Manchester England, been traveling since nine their morning. Or did she say it was nine their evening before we left Ohara. She's on tour to visit her boyfriend she is. Anyway, long time she and child have been at it. So what have I to complain about. === No window seat, what's what. Can not see and it'll probably be clear too. The expense, transport and hotel, this will be an expensive two - three weeks.
So this is it, seven mile high above the middle of the country.
Monday Apr 30, 1990
11:00 EST
Carmel Hotel, Santa Monica, Los Angeles. and a black dude called out John Lennon Panhandled by a small young man, working on the corner ("by the cheap stuff you'll save two dollars") homeless lady on a roof top, kids smoking inn the alley courtyard, maybe that's a lady taking care of some of the kids. anyway there's a boy there now and the plastic tent is up. She sweeped the roof top, layed down the cardboard, and this kid is hanging around, smoking a cig, pacing worrdily, Maybe they all are in there. What role does the pizza dude paly? {{Margin note: wrong, midage dopers homeless by choice.]]
Tuesday May 1, 1990
7:00 EST
Hotel. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JERRY, YOU'RE forty-one and in LA.
Tuesday May 1, 1990
8:45
Dee's Resturant. Breakfast and LA Times in LA. Dee's is a picture hanging place, one of those "We've been here forever type places." Also got flag hanging from ceiling.
So what now? It's 6:45 local time and what do I do for the rest of the day? Wander the streets? [-Thought about buying and giving the roof top dwellers a blanket or something.-] Oh yes, the beach is only a block away, but down a hundred foot cliff. Bluff the call them bluffs.
Tuesday May 1, 1990
10:20
Santa Monica Pier.The 1983-84 version. Pictures are one thing, being here is the reality. The street people are everywhere, not just Los Angeles proper, but the beach towns too. I guess they are real too, sor of remember a thought fro years ago that there are those locals who are not but play act being street people. So the view is ocean, beach, bluff, and mountains. Just like the pictures. The bearded one stopped by -- gave him a dollar. How many are there? Old, young, 'twixt and 'tween. Even the pigeons have been trainded for handouts.
Tuesday May 1, 1990
12:00
Top of Bluff Walking Parkway. Been walking in town and here, along the bluffs. It's sleeping time for the street people. There's one on the cliff side of the rail where the road comes up (goes down) from the lower Blvd to the upper Blvd. Just across from where I sit, a twisted low living tree with a nice niche for a place to sleep, like there's a blanket there now. Saw an eagle of sorts, soaring the Blufffs, being chased by the seabirds of sorts.
Tuesday May 1, 1990
8:15
Dee's Coffee Shop, again. It's been one of those hotel blues afternoon. Llike look, eight hours between entrys, and earlier I ate at McDs. Of course, I didnt plan to write on that short outting anyway. So this is my birthday dinner, in Los Angeles Santa Monica. Fancy hamburger steak at Dees, the oldest eating place in Santa Monica, 1941. Pretty blond lady at the counter, ate her lettice and cheese sandwich, then left, but she did look a witsy beit at me. Almost nine oclock, just finished eating when I would have been goin to bed.
Wednesday May 2, 1990
12:25
UCLA campus, Flag Pole Area. Like I have ARRIVED! After all these years, I have finally ARRIVED!.
Did a two and 1/2 hour walk down Santa Monica Blvd and through WestWood to get here. There maybe lots of students here, but the place is so large that there are few around. I really dont know what to write --- a very key event in my life and there's no words to write. Except Robert was here in the late sixtys and early seventys. but all that is history. The sense of this place is present and future --- all studious business like UG, USC, CU. Time to move on, will leave a copy of "Thoghtsmithing" on that recliner tree behind me.
Wednesday May 2, 1990
8:20
Dee's again. Dining at Dee's again. The other places looked like they were for two's only. The walk is done. Finished the Campus Thing. Left via Sunset Blvd to Beverly Glenn, hence to Santa Monica Blvd and TwentythCenturyFox block. They dont do tours, so I jsut walked among the highrise Avenue of Stars office building. The touristia shopping mall trap, and around the Back Lot Block, peeping in through the cracks etal. Then I rode the bus back, standing most of the way.
Thursday May 3, 1990
7:50
Room. Wake up and then wait for the rest of LA to wake up. What will I do today?
Thursday May 3, 1990
10:05
Santa Monica Pier. Before this, I had noted taht the "being here" superseded the "knowing of here". Now as I just sat down, it's the "being here on this Pier" and the "knowing of there in Los Angeles tow". So which is better or the best? Maybe it's the "being this close and yet so far away" past fact, mostly fiction with hints of facts.
Nicely dressed old black man - homeless maybe - wandering around aimlessly. I think he is the one who was involved with the bus thing last night outside Dees/ Police and bus and being escorted off. So what now? Try for the bus tour thing?
Thursday May 3, 1990
12:10
Park at Santa Monica. 11:50 Bus tour in the works. Either all the street people have made their early morning rounds or they are working their way from the far end to this end. There is one small group just downt he way, next to the cannon. They have one of the few guitars I've seen. Maybe saw the firsst the other day when I did the park walk. Me thinks I no longer know what to think about the situation, like there's no emotion. They are just part of the senery and that's sad. Life in the Parks of LA.
Well, do I or dont I leave "ThoughtSmithing" for the street people?
One of the clean cut homeless stopped by for a chat. Usual stuff of crack, weed smoke. "Do I look homeless?" I've notice that about several of them. Clean, literate, sometimes job holders. But what did he really think? Checking me our for dealing, buying or what. His trimmed beard friend didnt talk much either? "They're six of 'em looking for smoke."
Thursday May 3, 1990
12:50
Hollywood - Tour central. Micky Rooney - Bob Hope - M Ball, etc stars in the sidewalk, etc. Tourist trap magneto, just some more city streets.
Thursday May 3, 1990
4:25
Universal Studios. Seein it for real, but me thinks that we saw the old place. There's a lot more big buildings, on the other side of the river (concrete lined river, LA River). The guide spoke of sets from the twenties (silent movie era). Anyway I'm here and I did it!
(Later). After looking at the map, that is Burbank, NBC studios across LA river. Also, I'm on the backside of Santa Monica Mtns.
Thursday May 3, 1990
6:45
Universal Studios. Sitting on the back patio, overlook, studios at the bas of the hills and beside LA river, North Hollywood spread out for miles in all directions, one big high rise not far away, rows of blocks of city off in the distance, a golf course, millions of people all around. Almost beyound comprehension.
Reach out with my minds eye and spirit, to sense this place and time? Would it overwhelm? Dare I try?
At least part of the mountains have been spared, scared with power line towers and right of way, patches of bare spots among the scrubs, countered by patches of nature among the scares of man.
The humanity is too much! There's too many live to sense. I can not do it.
Thursday May 3, 1990
9:25
Dee's Resturant. The young man who rode the bus out this noon, he sat beside me on the way back from Universal City to Hollywood. He's from Australia, a muscian dropping off his demo-tape here in LA and then NY. He does silk screen printing for work, has friends in San Jose, that's where he goes next. We go out for drinks later, at Eight, at a bar just across the street froom his Youth Hostel. YES, he's one of those travelers. It's all within shouting distance, same street, same block. {{Margin note: Chris. }}
Friday May 4, 1990
11:00
Pier. {{Margin note: Kent State Day}} Last night was nice. Chris had to make phone calls at nine, Went to RingsHead instead of 2nd St Bar and Grill (next to, part of the Hotel). Stood at one of the stand up bars and talked, him about music, me asking abuot Austrailia. He asked what's so valuable about my bag. I asked him how old he was (22) then commented about my canvas bag bigng four years holded that he. Said I was a writer, he responded "you never told me that" (but I did, it just didnt connect with all the other loudness). Gave him a copy at the Lion. We go to the Youth Hostel and was standing outside talking when Mark joined. he was the one who came into the bar telling about a place somewhere ele in LA wher the girls go. "Guarrented laid." He's forty four and has been doing YH for years. We go in and I get to look over the facilties, they're really nice, but the oldest building in Santa Monica had just been remodled for the Youth Hostel. Common areas, four to a room, kitchen stuff, ete. So maybe next time I willdo the YH thing. Chris and I bid ourfareyewells in the lobby (foryer). Left him with a business card.
Friday May 4, 1990
11:45
Park, Santa Monica. The rest of last night goes like this. Went to bed about 2:30EST, woke up about 4:30EST heard the street gangs rumbling downthe ally, sounded like there were trying to turn something over, one of the lower floor hotel guest called out, the "bearded suit" staggered about in the courtyard, then tries a fast walk up the alley, falls, then later I see the last of a pair of legs dragging themselves behind a wall, the police arrive for a lookabout (the gang has long since departed), he checks out the roof top dwellers (no hassle), he must of seen the "bearded suit" in the alley (ignored), he leaves, more arrive and repeat the last, then it's sit and ponder about ====== The Contradictions of Big City Scenes ======
The young baddies with guitar are packing up the cart for departure. Romancing the nomad life in LA!
Friday May 4, 1990
5:05
Dee's The task of transport ticket buying has been done. Will take the AmTrak bus - train combination to Fresno via Bakersfield. Will have to carry my stuff up 3 blocks and out 4 blocks (from 200 and 3rd to 600 and Wilshire). Been sleeping most of the day.
Friday May 4, 1990
9:10
Pier, SM. The western sun does shed a new light on the Palisades, Bluff, Cliffs, whateever. The mystery of the coming evening is in the air, least one's nomadic mind would want to see. And then there's sadness of night life in the ally courts.
* North of the pier is the Bluff, * South of the pier could pass for a stretched out Myrtle Beach, * The first strictly California, the second, any beach side resort city. * Dont you know all the "Place Names" are here, Palisades, Ventura, Vence Musle Hunington, etc beach, UCLA, Hollywood, Sunset Strip (Blvd). Me thinks i will thin I was there, or nearby.
Saturday May 5, 1990
9:15
Dee's. This morning, a kid was sitting in my usual place. The event was the one about "no money but order anyway". "I'll wash dishes." "I'm sorry" "I dont want to go to jail." "I'll die in jail." The properitor really would have too! but the kid started crying and shaking and all. "Go! Go!"
[[Lecture: If you're going to play the street life game, you've gotta play by the rules. Panhandle, look pathetic, and beg, but always have money to pay for the food you eat.]] I did nothing of course, maybe the owner scared the kid enough, maybe the kid planned it way.
Saturday May 5, 1990
11:00
3rd Street Promendae and Broadway and Santa Monica Blvd. [Last section of this volume.] On the park today, Jehova Witnesses stopped to do their thing. They talked, I listened mostly, and commented occassionaly. The homeless (beggars, panhandlers, or fakers of the same, I've been giving them two cigs or a dollar, for whatever good it does. Like what was I suppose to do this morning at Dees? But the kids breakfast, teach the kid he can get away with it, lecture the kid (with deaf ears)? So what was the right move?
Satruday May 5, 1990
3:30
NorthEnd of Park. P.S. the weekenders have arrived. Shopping cart (home in a basket on wheels) central. Wonder if this is the bedroom of the homeless? Nine carts, some abandoned. {{Margin note: It's running water and restrooms too.}} More contradicition, just around the corner, out Adeliade Ave (1956 curb date) is where more of the rich people live. It overlooks a small minivalley where the natural river runs into the bay. On the other side is where the hills and mountains start.LIke man is the cancer, running it's veins of infections up their slopes and along their ridges. I'm sure it has been like this for a long time, but still I wonder, how much longer can they hold out against progress. Even from here I see errosion, more scares from yesterday, here, a road cut and run off wearing away the natural spirit of this place. But that all started many years ago, at a time when the word spread out how beautiful this, use to be. Now ------- Contradiction. It's time to shuffle the carts around, is he (or they, young couple) the custodians for today?
Saturday May 5, 1990
8:30
Dee's. McDs was crowded, the other places are fancy and crowded and more expensive, so I'm bad at Dee's.
Today I washed clothes and now have wet clothes all over the room. Probably wont dry and have to move with damp clothes and still wet jeans. It probably would have been better to walk the ten or fourteen block tothe laundrymatic and wait around there. Anyway the deed is done.
Saturday night in Los Angeles (Santa Monica) and what will I do? Go back tothe Hotell and cry. The Weekenders have spoiled the Mood, I guess all the Insiders Partys will be happening, but not for me. The pattern is that I will walk to the hotel and watch tv a bit then go to bed.
This started out all right but a drunk mex came in and is sitting at the bar.
The "bearded suit" had to have help from his ally courtyard friends this mornig before I left for breakfast. "Drugged" between the roof topy dwellers. So what will there be to write about SM and LA and etal.
Sunday May 6, 1990
12:25 the Last Day here.
Park, California Incline. There's no peace in my spirit, the past plagues me, so many others (Sunday Weekenders today) and it's always the same, runners and strollers and cart pushers, and sleepers, they are all around, everyday "they" are here, loneliness surrounded by friends, contradicitons everywhere, beauty and historical witness of trees, bluffs, and other things, local dwellers cursing the temporary yet giving thanks fot eht gold and bums they bring. the humanity of peasant admist the sacreligious wealth of astrocities, for twentyfie year such has it been and still no end, the conflic presents its self in the trees, the trainling reaven distrubing the lesser birds peace and my own, crowing out its curse above bringing answers of warning and fea, yes tis true, nature's parallels existence with the cancer of man, there's is more beauty around than nature has to offer, the sight of young, poor, homeless couple, helping each other to survive, even the drunken drugged dwellers help each other to survive, even the pitiful act of draggin a semiconcious friend from the streets to an alley courtyard rates more merit thatnthe pitiful donation of a dollar when asked for spare change, when will the cooing of the dove over power the curse of the raven.
The Carribbean has more peace of mind to offer, there's isolationa nd seculsion on the islands, the absentene of grossly oversized city is overwleming, to be alone there is to be at peace with the universe, a lone traveler there has friends among the surf, beach rocks and caves, there is a place where it's not as difficult to imagine how it ws before man screwed up his relation with God, there only the hatred of the native islanders against the whiteman existed, there the islnad bums and homeles semed more a natrual part of the surroundings, protected by the romance of nomadic life among the islands.
Many times I've stood on the rocking top of Whiteside, looked toward the setting sun and imagained being here, back there being a place where only big cities can be imagined, being here, it is more pleasant to imagin being there. There is no power here to compare with Whitewater Falls, maybe on top Santa Monica Mountains, if only to get about this illusion of city life, away from traffic noise, gibberous of too many languages, the waters begin to flow from such mountain places and this is the end of some, economic wealth and power among human squaller.
6:15 Later at Dee's. It's all the noise, the car horns, the traffic cursing, the alarms and sirens, it's all the noise, it's the distance too, there's not really that many places to see, there are so far apart, and no easy way to get there, fifty miles through the countryside is nice, through the city is not nice at all, mile after mile of city traffic, Lost in the Maze of LA, my mind is, bits and pieces of interesting action scattered about in space and time, local continium events with which I can no longer connect, you know me thinks they are real events, congelled from imagation, images created in illusionary building, --- now my mind is lost agin in a make believe maze of thoughts.
Monday May 7, 1990
6:15
Watso on AmTrak. Mostly just a note to log my first train ride (the navy thing doesnt count). Bus from Santa Monica to Bakersfield and on board, no time to sit and ponder about things in between.
Monday May 7, 1990
10:15
Fresno, RoadWay Inn. Just wakled down (no, there's not up or down here only flat) toward town mostly looking for the car rental that the cab driver pointed out (a little building at the end of the shopping plaza parking) and a real BurgerKing. The cab was a station wagon, the driver a bearded thirty something eating supper.
Tuesday May 8, 1990
3:15
Sequia NP, FlagPole Area. Woh! It's a small gorge, rocky cliffs on the side of a mountian, not really like being out in the woods, but this is a road tour, at the moment, me thinks the best thing to do is sit and "Zen Out" on being here.
Tuesday May 8, 1990
6:00
Sequia NP TogoKah Trail. Just a mile or so up one of these here "touristia trails", nice place, flat bend in the river with rocky mountains in the background, the head of a cascade behind. It's nice here.
6:35
TogoKah Falls. Bottom of the Falls, Top head of the valley.
Wednesday May 9, 1990
1:20
Yosemite Valley, MidMeadows. Been in the part for couple of hours. Just now thought abut making the offical Journal Entry. Walked across a few yards of marsh to get to this tree, probably not suppose to, but did it anyway. The Falls are a faint, faded out roar, more like the wind through the pine. Stopped and looke dat the Valley overlook, just before the long tunnel, and pondered ElCaptain too. Now is time to "Zen Out" on being here.
Wednesday May 9, 1990
3:25
Backside of HalfDome. This is as far as I go. It's late, I'm tired, I've gotta drive back out of this place. There's a Falls between HalfDome and the next one back. People are walking past it without a thought of looking over the "right" shoulder. I did, it's a nice private view (a couple of climbers just past on the way up, ropes and links and all, must be nice to be young healthy and outgoing, anyway it's over, time to move on.
Thursday May 10, 1990
11:15
Fesno, small aircraft. Tried making reservation on AmTrak to Denver, but no spce availabe. So if it must be, this is the end of the '90 trip. Probably will regret that I didnt stay longer, but you know me, started thinking about the cost, $100 per day to stay here, and the same would be true if I went some where else.
This will be fun for a change, small plane flying, when was the last time I did this? Of course it's cloudy and wont see anything, window seat too. Wouldnt it be grand to fly over the Parks and the High Country. They, the Park People, call it the Back Country.
Thursday May 10, 1990
1:50
LA IA. Back here again. The flight over Hollywood, between the mountains was nice, fact is, seeing the mountain tops above the clouds and the overcast blocked by the mountains was the only thing to be seen. Seeing LA spread out all over the place ws expected but interesting anyway. Mostly jsut seeing how far I really walked was the high point along with seeing where I had been. Did miss the Universal City, we were already there before I realzied where we were.
The Recruits from Frenso bummed some cigs from me, headed to Fort Gordon, gave him two for the road.
Anyway, the train ride adventure go derailed. A cross country plane ride with an excursion on the end replaced it. Guess you can not pick up train rides as easily as first indicated. All reserved trains for the long distance ones. [Moved to plane.] So this is it, no window seat on this one either, no space to call my own, old bitch moved in, one of those who are perfumed bby the gallow. How will I be able to write.
Be still my spirit, the excitement of peace in this place is indescribable, it may be mostly imagined excitement, but there is peace in my spirit, such immensity, so intense, seeing, feeling, sensing how it use to be those millennium ago, to have lived as the natives did, to have walked among the great trees, along a natural lake, across the face of cliffs, living life a season at a time, but alas, it has been a hundred and fifty years since the last native walk here in peace. Still, just over this ridge, or beyond that mountain, one can wander along too much used trails, whiteman's version of wilderness; modern whiteman's version is worse, making it too convenient to get here and stay here, the scenes, noise, smells of small communities, sort of camouflaged as part of nature, a feeble attempt to blend in with the back country, such is whiteman's abusive intrusion to not only build a road trail but a town as well, 'but if not for such' would I have ever known this peace, contradiction again, did the natives truly know this place as the wonderful place it is, without contradiction, back there (LA) between wealth and poor, here between genuine wilderness and LA, 'if not for the darkness of night, how can the light of day be known', no matter how impressive the land, if it were native home, it would be plain.
Be still my spirit, that giant sequoia has stood in peace for two millennium, experiencing more living, standing in a single spot on earth, than the roaming creatures experience in generations of their wanderings, (what lacks in mobility, gains with time), the cliffs and valleys and falls and meadows, they all instill tranquillity and excitement, contradiction again, a quiet rush brought on by meadow grasses, with a lone tall fir and a boulder or two, the exhausting Zen of the day's climb, followed by quieting Tau of the sunset, moonrise, and night, the stroll along high sierra trail, the exhilaration of a new off trail discovery, a gentle glade at a bend in the river, water over rocks steeply cascading, primeval big tree forest with little second growth, primeval peace in the wilderness.
{{Friday May 11, 1990 Pizza Inn Pickens 6:00}}
Be still my spirit, this trail leads to other trails which lead on to ... only God knows what, more enticing vistas, more enchanting valleys, more fascinating falls, more spell casting solitude from which there is no return, miles and miles of wanderings through the never-ending maze of canyons, valleys, peaks, domes, living the natural, high life, on the high sierra trails, imagine a deep winter blizzard, alone, here, imagine a bear visitation, clawing air while sniffing food hanging from a limb, imagine being lost, in nowhere land, hearing Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, while pondering all the great classical thoughts of great classical men, Plato, Confucius, Job, Budda, all in a land they never knew but which contains their contemporaries, in the trees and falls and stone, such contradiction, all those great works of great men originated with civilization while wildness in nature breeds greater works of wonders.
{{Friday Jun 8, 1990 Pizza Inn Pickens}}
Be excited spirit, I want to go back! I want to spend days, nights, weeks, months, seasons, years among my only friends. Happy solitude with the rocks, trees, creatures, canyons, valleys, mountains, meadows, they all talk to me, wind through tall pines, water over rocks, rustling of leaves by animals, more to me they talk than those who speak can but don't.
Be anticipated spirit, I want to return! Let me live my life with you, let me stand as a giant tree, to let time bring life by, let me wander as a woodsie creature, to discover life as time permits, let me flow as water from mountain clouds to ocean bays, let me ....