Sunday Jan 1, 1989
4:45
WhiteSide. It is overcast, back down yonder. It's clear and sunny here. Strange how back in Pickens, it is dark and dreary, how it makes the mind think, it is the same all around. But one can drive up through the clouds and see a clear vista, such as this. Like how one can be on top of the world, so to speak, and have their spirit lifted as high. One other little trick of the mind, on the way up I had planned on sitting admist the clouds.
This morning, after usual Sunday morning biscuit and coffee, I rode to Easley - Carolina Creme was opend and stopped there, rode to Clemson - stopped and sat on the bench till ten (the bells), stopped and pissed at the beach then rode up to SC11 and back US178. So that's how I started this year.
Saturday Jan 7, 1989
7:40
Carolina Creme. Yesterday Tony S told me about a dream he had that night. Walked by my cube early morning and said, "I've got to tell you about a dream I had last night. A weird dream." So later, in the afternoon, I remind him, and this is waht he said.
"I had this weird dream about you. I was walking by your place and I saw this dead body along side the road. So I went to visit you. And there were these jeans on a chair and I pick them up and start looking through them. Some money. I get a brown leather, tooled leather, wallet and get the money out of it. Yuo say, 'What's that?' And I try to hide the money under my arm. I give it to you, you look in it and smile. But I've already got the money out, and you dont say anything."
So that was his dream and he asks me what does it mean. We talk a while longer about the body and my wallet. He wanted to see what kind I had but it was not like his dream wallet. He thought the body came from the man who died on Table Rock. The money thing of course comes from everyone thinking I'm rich. === I've decided the connnection with me, is that I'm out on top of Whitewater and Whiteside and I could fall too. Does that mean he's concerned for my well being.? ===
So that is what happened last Thursday night and Friday morning. Except I had an event too. A 'wet dream' from an unpleasant dream experience, almost a nightmare, torture type sex with me as the victim. It had been a long time since I had any wet dream, with such force - it was from a pleasant experience. Anyway, I had to take sleeping pills and I made all kinds of thought connections -- being controlled. Anyway --- YOU tell me the connection with Tony's dream.
Sunday Jan 15, 1989
4:30
WhiteSide Mtn. Wrote Marli a letter. It's time to go now. Just wanted to make an entry in the Journal, for record's sake. Shoule we talk marriage?
Saturday Jan 21, 1989
1:05
Carolina Creme. I guess I talked with the shrink for the last time Thursday. Not that I'm better or the problems are solved, it's just taht he probably couldnt do much more for me. Besides all we talked about was mom and not me. (I've wrote this before havent I) I feel so locked into this way of life I can never change. Least it will be very very difficult to. -- I wish I had not and would not let these thoughts occupy so much of my mind.
So what about the future? Look forward, not backward. Marli, I want you to be here so we can date and live together. But do you want to do that? Or is it becaouse I dont want to be alone anymore (same ole broken record.)
Saturday Jan 21, 1989
6:40
Huddle House. I dont care what the Almanac says, (it's wrong again), there is a Full Moon tonight. It rose as the sun set. I saw it with my own eyes and the Book is wrong, again.
Thought I would write more, but it's time to go to movies.
Wednesday Jan 25, 1989
6:20
Tony's in Pickens. Seems like I dont write as often as I use to. I'm not quite "into" college yet. Remember the emotion what use to go with being near / on a college campus, it's diff, not there anymore. If it wer not for the 'years' it will take to get a degree, I could almost enjoy it. Will talk with an advisor tomorrow to see which course I might pass by exams and check out the mechanics od doing it that way. I just wish I was more than half way there already -- on the down hill side.
Bob came in to pick up a takeout pizza. He came over to talk a bit. He's (his wife) expecting a kid, his first, forty years old and his first. Maybe there's hope for me yet. Mentioned going to school and Whiteside "A touch of the Way Life Should Be." So what do you think, me coming here to a place where I seldom come and an old friend coming over to talk with me? Should I change my places of habit or what? And what connection to the other major thing does it have, if any?
Friday Jan 27, 1989
8:00
Carolina Creme. Ive jsut looked, it's been mostly Sundays and Saturdays hasnt it. Eating a sub here tonight. Cheap food is getting to be a bore. But Chinese or Steak places are too much for a loner dinner, those Places are better with company. Think maybe I'll write Marli tonight - maybe talk marriage even.
Wednesday Feb 1, 1989
6:30
Did the first college level test in twenty years yesterday. choke don one question too. A twenty point question. The Algegra and Graphing got me confused so I didnt get the Integral rigth. Antother reason why I dont like school, never could do good on the test -- always choking on a key question. The gradstudent - instructor shouldnot have done that, put twenty percetn of the score on one question. It's not right, never has been and never will be the way to evaluate knowledge of a subject. The old English and University did it the right wary -- meet with the "proctor" once a week, discuss the subject, turn in a report and get the next week's assignment. That's the way it should be done. Anyway, tomorrow I go to Clemson and get the bad news, expecting (hoping) upper sixties low seventies, probably forty or fifty. It really mad eme mad too - incompentant gradstudent, always suffering from other people's bad judgement. Cant do anything about it, so [step over the mud hole] and climb out of the mud hole and keep on walking down this path.
Been smoking whole cigs today too. Been getting butts and smoking them. When will I ever be able to quit again.
Marli called Monday. Called me at work, I called her that evening we talked thirty minutes. I think she wants me to as her to marry. But it's such a hassle to make the arrangements, get her into the country. She wanted me to say I will go to Brazil too. It would be Spring break and for only a week and I dont know Portugese. She has a letter on the way up, in Portugese and English. What will we do? The thought of being married is nice, but after all these years of single life, how can I adjust? [Pause to eat] Well, what do I do now, go home and write Marli or study? Write more on the "Gift Paper" letter or work integral problems?
Monday Feb 6, 1989
6:40
Tony's Resturant. Not been home yet. Wish I didnt have to eat, really thought about going on home and not eat, but here I sit, waiting for the food to arrive. It just feel like sucha bother, when there is something else I want to go on with --- studing calculus of all things to want to do. Maybe that is not it; maybe it jsut go home and go to bed and dream good dreams -- Why wish that, I dont dream any more, started to back when school started, but I dont anymore. Really tought dreams were coming back after all these years, but it's not to be. Maybe I sould fell....
Friday Feb 17, 1989
6:40
Pizza Inn. It's been eleven days, come Monday two weeks, seems like it's all school work during the evenings, dont go no where, dont do anything. Just work, school and moms. How long has it been since a trip to Whitewater or Whiteside, the first of January. Not since school started (Jan 15 it was). The gradstudent tests are bad too, long, complicated and difficult test to be done in an hour and half. It's just not right. More like Problem Solving evaluation rather than Calculus. So what can I do about that? Nothing, except quit again.
Wonder what Marli is thinking? Thinkgin about me wondering about if she thinks of us being married? Some chance that has, nothing but more heartache and troubles. The latest is, she has a free trip to London, but no vacation time. When Martha first told me, I thought, how neat it would be to fly to London to be with her. An international love affair. But why bother with such thoughts. Her plane would be blown out of the sky by terrorist, not mine, I would be the one to suffer the bad thoughts and memories. And blame myself for her bad fortune.
I'm smoking again too. Mostly at work, but I keep a pack in the truck too. Just cant bear the thought of going without. The Cruise help for a while, but the scavaging butts from ashtrays, after five, brought it back. Now, it's school and work that make me do it.
Every now and then, at class adn campus, being near the kids, young and healthy, I like the thought and feel of smoking.
Bye.
Friday Feb 24, 1989
7:50
Carolina Creme. Once a week, that's what my Journal entrys are.
Randy went skiing with the Japanese -- it would have been nice to go with them.
It snowed Thursday. Drove to Clemson, sat in class, looked out the window, watched the snow, walked through the snow, sat in the truck and watched the snow. {thought how nice ti would be to not smoke, but I did a 1/2 cig anyway.}
How long has it been since I sat here and thought about the street kids - international traveling street kids. Surviving on donuts, fries, and coffee.
Saturday Feb 25, 1989
5:00
Whiteside EastEnd. There's snow on the ground, ICE on the cliffs. I was here and I saw these things. A bit of Cherokee here at the snow top mountain over younder.
Saturday Mar 11, 1989
5:25
Whiteside EastEnd. The snow is gone, but I have returned. It's colder I think, just sitting here, in the shadow of the mountain. My minds not the same anymore, looking East waiting for the future to rise above the horizon. But what future is it I want to rise? Sitting here waiting for death to come, or life. What future is it beyound the horizon? It's not rising you know - it's the world turning beneath time that makes the future rise.
Besides where's the other loner guy who's suppose to be here, to keep me warm? Not till I get up to leave.
Saturday Mar 11, 1989
7:52
Huddle House. Straight from Whiteside to here, via Whitewater, Shady Grove, Pickens. Just didnt want to go home - dont want to every go home, but I will - sooner or later. Now what were those thoughts, Oh Yes - thinking I should have never stayed in Pickens - should have left in seventysix - should have never bought a house, should have just got out of the navy and travled. But now it's fifteen years later and nothing can bring them back. The reason why I started thinking such thoughts -- ..... Yes my whole life has been one continuous desister.
Time to go eat dessert now.
Saturday Mar 11, 1989
8:25
Carolina Creme. Becky is here tonight, how about that. I wonder, why, would she be, where we've never meet before. Not that we talked or anything - just a hello and goodbye - is all.
So what's the deal - this suppose to be the street kid thought place. It's turning Spring around the Northern Hemisphere - are they coming out of their Winter hibernation? Are they out on the streets again? I wonder, I can only wonder!
Sunday Mar 19, 1989
2:20 AM
Huddle Resturant, Easley. It's turned into one of those night. Woke up after three hours sleep and could only lay there, wide awake, thinking about all the bad thoughts. Some sort of bad dreaming too. So it was a choice of riding, reading or working calculus problems. So that's why I'm out tonight.
On the way down here, I remembered, back in the navy days, how much fun it was to stay up late at night, or all night. But that's the diff now, it was fun because of having fun, but not now, old men need their sleep.
It's near Spring time too. The news people talked like it was last evening, but I think it's Monday or Tuesday. Hasnt it always been the twenty or twentyfirst o fMarch. Anyway, the planet is close to crossing the solar plane.
Take note -- there's still young dudes out late at night, being high, having fun. Two more just waked through the door. They're dressed in their ragged jeans and hats.
Oh Dear, there's a lady in a red dress now, she's my age and alone too. What does it mean to be here tonight? "Oh my lord, it's a girl in a big black ford and she's slowing down to take a look at me." {{ My Girl, playing on the jukebox. }}
Dear God, It's almost Spring. This planet will cross the solar plane in a day or two, like it does twice a year, for millions of years past, for millions of years to come. I would call it a design feature, created to make change happen on this blue, green, white plaent spinning through space. It's been the same for all these years, repeatitious change, four seasons a year, for forty years. That's how many I've seen, one hundred and sixty seasons. {{ Sometime it feels like an equal number of years. }} repetitious change, are they the same seasons Adam and Eve saw, or Noah, Abraham, Issac, the Judges, the Prophets, saw. Are they the same seasons you saw when you walked this planet? Did you enjoy the same sense of anticiaption for bloomig flowers and green trees? The warm days and nights of Summer? The relief from the long cold nights of Winter? .....
Here it is a week later and still Im not sure what it is I want to say. It's after Easter even. I know it's the lack of excitemetn, partly after so many years,it's the boredom, of the routine. "All is vanity, for there is nothing new under the sun." What will it take to break this repetitious change? Signs of peace among your children, instead of war? Deeds of Love and carring among your children, instead of hate and indifference? Let there be a Spring in the near future, when repetition of hopeful longing for (love) peace in all its forms, will no longer be part of the cycle.
Let there be a Spring in the near future, when repetition is a celebration of (love) peace in all its forms.
Monday Mar 20, 1989
5:45
Top Of Whiteside. It's windy up here, so this will be just a note to note I was here at this time. Spring started this morning, I think and I wanted to be with my Friend here. Will stop by my first best friend on the way back.
Thought I would be able to stay a while and write. Write Marli, Write the Spring Prayer, just write. But instead I will jsut sit a bit and then leave.
{{Margin note: Mar 27, '89, PS, I took my clothes off at Whiteside and ran around nude.}}
Friday Mar 24, 1989
6:15
Carolina Creme. It's going to be another long lonely holiday weekend. The exciting part of the day was working math problems. "Tis better to be with friends on the streets, than to be alone in a house." I'm so easily depressed. Even the happiness from the movies I've seen this week have worn away. I've never seem to have enoght of the "good times" to see me throught the "bad times". I know this is the same old song, but it's the only one I've known.
I'm a 'when there's nothing else to do friend', Not even that most of the time. I've let all my life {youth} slip by, and still I sit to let more slip. I long for death but not by my hand; maybe jsut go out some cold night to let nature take it's course.
Mar 27, 1989
3:50
WhiteWater Falls, on top. I've been wondering, how many years has it been, is this the beginning of my fifth year, maybe sixth. Eightythrees or eightyfour, I'm sure it was a January. For sure I was here in eightyfive and six, cause I left "the poem" here in eighty six.
Went up to Whiteside Saturday, but did not get to walk up to the top. Some young man, thirty-three thirty-two, was wandering around the parking lot, started talking, hinting about going places - anyfalls. He's a 'wouldbe' artist. Visions of grandeau like me with my words. He's Paul. Most of the morning and part of the early afternoon, I had mentally prepared for a typical stay at the top - alone, with my thoughts. Thought about writing the letter to AK, to tell him what I thought of "his religion" But there was Paul, being friendly. Thought about staying on toptill half pass dark. But there was Paul, being friendly. It was Easter Eve, late evening here is early morning there, in Jerusalem, when the Lord Jesus rose. I thought about being on top, thinking about the where and when over there. But there was Paul, being friendly. There was a stray thought or two about the evilness being out that night too, on top. And there was Paul, being friendly. No one is ever friendly with me. They leave the loner to be alone. Except that afternoon and Paul.
Drove Paul to Dry Falls. Watched him sketch and draw a crowd or two. Drove on down the river and watched him sketch and draw some more. He's a travler, working odd jobs, been to the West Coast, NorthWest and Flordia. Pan handles. Lived and worked with a couple doing organic food stuff for the expensive resturatnt. Raising the lady's kids. Drawing and sketching and coloring, pretendign to be an artist yet to be discovered. Drove him back to his place {{space he calls it}} sat and talked a bit. The talked turned to M.J., was that a hint? No matter, I told him the truth, "I never smoked that much and had to give it up all together tow years ago." Left him the phone numbers and left. Felt uncomfortable - paranoid, go ahaead and say it -- the whole time, Who is this Paul and why was he friendly with me at that time and space.
There's two other things to note: On the way out of Cashiers, near the state line flats, this small sports convertable whissed by and some head turned to look at me. Then later here they come back, going to Cashiers. Now what does that mean too.
Lastly - I took Mom to help her fix up her parents grave for Easter that morning. I stood by Dad's grave too that noontime. I've never stopped there before -- not in several years.
Saturday Apr 1, 1989
1:00
Whiteside EastSide. There's a bunch of young kids come up from Courthouse. Some sort of scout troop, or church group, no doubt.
7:00
Huddle House Resturant. Didnt much happen up there. Walked across the top to the westend, the rope people were there, walked back across the top, the falcons flew over. Walked back down the old road, looked at the icecyles. There was no "Paul" this time. Stopped by Whitewater, the Clemson boys were there this afternoon, some of them still down at the bottom, some headed back to the overlook. CU starts it's centininel celebraton this weekend. So I drove back to my house. I feel this will be the last time, for a long while, that I get to visit with my two Best Friends.
So I went to mom's, she got sick last night, after her trip. Lucille was there, they were going to eat lightly. So I get this evening off, to do my other loafering. That's why I'm here now.
Thirty more days, till I die. Forty years of being alone. Never a whole month that I can call my own. Oh that I could get on that road out there and just leave. I'm in the tv habit every night too, I hate tv. I hate studing, I hate work, I hate not writing, I hate not reading, I hate not being happy.
7:45 sameday, samedate
Carolina Creme. Eat dessert donut and go home, I know I've noted this before, but I'll write it again. Spring is on its way, the street kids {and other people} will be coming out again. But as I'm on my last thirty days of thirty something, I 'feel' less for them. Their spirit does not move my spirit like it use to. I think, maybe, I've already died, again. There's little "life" left in me. Oh that I could be like Tommy, "take his pills and drink his beer" and seek adventure in the next life. There stands another reason to be down on my self, a young thirty something with an almost teenage kid. How could I've let myself be so easliy mislead? No one to blame but myself you know, not growing up fast like the other sixtys kids.
Sunday Apr 15, 1989
4:25
Glassy, EastSide. I hear an airplane, a jet, but do not see it. There's a crow (raven) too. Wisht I was on the jet, going away from this place, but hte "feeling" is not as strong as it use to be. Images of Greenville city - any big city image, wish I was there, not here. Wish I was someone else istead of this miserable Jerry person. Also, it looks like the moon wil be full toward the end of this week. Two more weeks of school, then no school for three weeks, then school again for five. Time seems to fly by and so little progress in my life. I know this is the same old song, it's the only one I know.
Friday Apr 21, 1989
6:15
Pizza Inn, Pickens. The students in China {Bejing} are protesting. Can you imagine that? Twenty year ago it was the Culture Revolution, Chariman Mao's Little Red Book, forced exdous of the intellectuals to the farms. But today, it's "Berkley" riots on the streets of Bejing. There's another "sign" too, this "war on drugs" is turning into a witch hunt, and politicans making senseless laws "thinking of the next election". Basically, the US is turning into a police state. It's spooky! But who's going to listen to me? I'm a nobody.
[Bob's here, with his week old son, and his wife. "How does it feels to be a dad?" "It's indescribable. It makes you love everybody." "I can only imagine."]
No feedback from VanBuren, no feedback from Jennings, no feedback from any of my ventures. It's maddening. Maybe letters to the politicans. But they are sure to ignore me - except for thier patronizing nonresponsive responses. Maybe just add another page or two to G.P. be quiet afterwards. None of the environmentalist are talking, none are concerned over the burning of fossil fuels, only when there's an oil spill, exploration, or events thousand of years hence.
[Bob's new son is drawing a lot of attention, he has his friends to look after him.]
But who listens anymore. If it's not a populare cliche, NO! if it's not "proper idealogical thought", no one listens. Only to their own "PIT"s do they listen. It all seems so hoopeless. Maybe the Red Russian Communist have buried US, or have we buried ourselves?
Saturday Apr 22, 1989
5:25
Huddle Resturant. Work calculus problems, washed truck (naked), fucked myself, cleaned up. So now what? Another boring Saturday night - alone. Should go back home and file papers (later). Should write letter about politican laws (but who listens). Drop in on Randy and Shellia? No. Go to greenville and watch John Cusack (to late for seven show). Cant stand these young men, running around in their shorts, showing off their legs and stuff, cause I dont have anything to show off - skinny legs, not at all attractive.
So, it's 6:00 now, supper's over, so what now? Go eat a donut dessert and go home, what else.
Saturday Apr 22, 1989
7:45
Carolina Creme. Thinking "It feels like someone else sat in this place, and had those thoughts of "Caught" and international street kids." I wonder; if Jerry's not dead yet, he's very near death. His thoughts seem so alien now.
Wednesday Apr 26, 1989
5:15
SubWay, Easley. Between work and home, eating a supper for a change. Not a real supper, that would be a "China Resturant" or Shoney's at the least. Well, supper is over, now what? "Whatelse you pitiful creature, go home, watch tv, be lonely."
It's been months since I've written Marli, she must hate my guts now. Now, she's not like that. She will just hurt and it's my fault. Everything is my fault.
Saturday Apr 29, 1989
3:05
WhiteWater, TopSide. I was here today, to share with my friend Whitewater, some of the last few hours of being thirty something. Didnt write a lot, just wanted to be, just be here. Was almost on the way out, even though I was planning to stay here all afternoon, but I put my towel on my head and decided to sit and write an entry. Now there's a bunch of young kids here, noisy, lively, lively kids. Guess I might as well, yield my space to them. While I laid down to rest, I thought hard about some of the things I've seen here, the dudes pissing, sharing a joint, Tony the Fall Guy. Just wanted to remember some things with my friend Whitewater.
Saturday Apr 29, 1989
5:30
Huddle Resturant. This is becoming habit you know. Maybe it's time I did a change habits. The old ones havent worked. Less than thirty hours now. I'm not going to like it. I've done nothing that twenty and thirty should do - like women and socializing and such.
My weight is still going down. Can not seem to stop it. Too much smoking after eating and skipping meals I dont really have to eat. But who Kares?
Sunday Apr 30, 1989
1:35
Glassy Mtn. What a place to spend part of my last day of being thirty something. It's truly sad that I have no Friends (human friends) to think about me, or share with me this dreaded milestone. They were even buzzards here, flying over head, waiting for me. One thats' way up here, like most times after the deputy ran me off, I was wondering if the "police state" would do it again. One did ride around tht top but he didnt stop to hassle me this time. I'm smoking Benson and Hedges again too. My first pack of cigs from high school days. Tis so sad so very very sad.
Monday May 1, 1989
3:45
Whitewater. I was here with my Friend on my fortyth birthday. I left copy number thirteen of "ThoughtSmiting".
Bye.
Monday May 1, 1989
6:00
Aloha, Chinese Resturant, Easley. Why Not! I've been alone all afternoon, so finsih the evening with a birthday supper to myself. The ultimate in aa forty year old loner's birthday. Least it is almost over now. [Paused to eat] Now that there's a break in the food service, I'll write a bit more. More or less just this, like she'll be back with the sweet and sour pork momentarily. Anyway, just imagine myself being in China, eating real Chinese food in a real China Resturant.
So it's finished. Only in my mind, can I travel. It cost too much -- trave has always been expensive for us poor working people. Like the furs which have always cost as much as a house. Oversea's travel will always be just out of reach. If not that, so expensive, it would be difficult to enjoy. Even a west coast trip is too costly ... but why should I care -- I'll never be able to trip {triavel}. I've just not got the stomach for it anymore.
Thursday May 4, 1989
5:55
Shoney's Easley. Been looking through the Encore Travel mag. It looks so nice and feels so nice to think about being able to "JUST GO!" Anywhere.
Saturday May 6, 1989
12:05
Whitewater Falls. Of course it's gon. Someone already took it. Didnt last five days. Dont think it was here this morning eithere. Probably gone that evening. So what else is new. Will there be any sings of it in the future? Will someone else get rich and famous of my thoughts, and words? Maybe they threw it over the edge, could find any sign of it up here. Only a wet plastic bag (emtpy bag) is all that's left.
There's been no one to talk with up here either.